Tag Archive: weight


The spaces in between posting on my blog seem to be quite long. Well at least they feel that way to me.

It feels like too much effort. Though it is worth the effort.

The motivation to actually come and write in here is hugely lacking, part of that is due to anxiety. And to be fair, I shouldn’t have anxiety about this, it is supposed to be my safe place.

How my anxiety works at times is feeling like I always need to be doing something, or feeling like there is something I should be doing but I’m not, almost like I’m putting something off. I even have anxiety when I’m not doing anything. I do find it quite hard to just ‘chill’. I feel like that lack of ability to just relax, I compensate it by drinking alcohol sometimes. It’s like I’m using the effect of alcohol to force my brain to just take a break.

But alcohol can also have a negative effect on me at times, if I drink more then I should. I find and my partner finds I get quite selfish and I don’t have as much regard for others. It’s pretty shit really.

I always have this fear and anxiety playing in the back of my mind, especially when there is stress, of losing the plot and having somewhat of a breakdown. I guess that just comes with the territory after the fact of having a ‘major depressive episode’ and losing the ability to cope.

As observed in the past, I feel I have a low tolerance for distress. But maybe I am being hard on myself and maybe my tolerance isn’t as low as I believe.

I think some of my anxiety about blogging has come about a few years ago actually. Back when my ex found out I had been lying and then he decided to share my blog page with others. It definitely caused a hindrance in this feeling like my safe place. I started worrying about who might be reading. As it was meant to be a somewhat private thing. There for those who experience similar things or want to understand. I think I am slowly getting over the fear of worrying about who might be reading. So hopefully I can get back to posting more.

I had a bit of an intense time just before Xmas. Basically something I had done in the past got shared with certain people in my life now and it especially effected things with regards to my partner and I. It effected trust (his trust towards me) and that is a big thing. I was devastated that this past event came out. I was sure I would lose the only guy I truly want forever. And losing him is like losing a big part of me. I initially denied things and then tried to make the problem go away by making him feel like shit for not trusting me, which was not cool of me, it was a desperate move. Then I went and deleted and blocked a few people on his Facebook as well as mine and all the conversations. And naturally that set of alarm bells. As you may have guessed, I did end up admitting to things. And I explained why I never told him and why I lied. It was simply out of fear. I thought I would lose him for sure and I just can’t live without him.

As a result of all this, I have made sure I am completely transparent with him now. And I don’t hide things. Also, he felt like he was always making the effort in our relationship. So he felt it was time I actually make an effort. Which is fair enough. I guess despite how much I like affection and intimacy, over the many years with previous relationships of not having those needs met, I’ve become somewhat cold myself. And obviously I did not realize that previously.

We are definitely in a better place now and I am starting to feel secure again in our relationship. As previously I was feeling really insecure and fearful he would just turn around and leave. Especially in the first week. When he would go for long walks I would worry he would come back and break up with me or that he would just not come back. I was worried because I had hurt him so much, that he might kill himself.

Regarding suicide, I’ll admit that at times it is still a fleeting thought. Especially in times of stress, when I am feeling low and like a failure and fuck up. With that usual depressive think of, “they’d all be better off without me”.

I still struggle with the self doubt and self hate where I think I am just a bad, horrible person and I don’t deserve anything good. The whole “I’m not good enough” and “they deserve better” and “what are they doing with a fat piece of shit like me”. Yeah, that’s the real me. The dark thoughts I have about myself. I think my body is disgusting, I blame myself for letting it get this way and to be fair, it was me that put all that crap food in my body and made me this way. I struggle hugely with looking in the mirror. I absolutely hate what I see whether I am dressed or naked. I just can not handle the reality of what I see. I really hope I force myself this year to stick to my New Years resolution of losing this weight.

The depressive thinking sux. But it’s so natural. The whole not seeing the good stuff, well not often anyway. The honing in on all the negatives and holding on to all that and fixating on that. The simply forgetting there is good and has been good things. All the good stuff is always so far from my mind. And I don’t mean to be this way. It’s certainly not intentional.

And oh man! The mess I am when I miss doses of my antidepressants! It shows me that way back in 2013 something really did change with me, my brain and my mental state. I am not the same as I was before that. And yeah, there are some positives to that. But the negative is how fast I spiral back down if I miss doses. It’s scary! Basically panic attacks return for no reason, constant feelings of despair and just basic utter lack of hope in life. It’s not a good place.

I’m still working on building my home business. Slowly trying to find ways to get my name out there and find more business. It’s not easy of course. As some amount of advertising does require spending money.

Currently I am feel quite worried and stressed out, as I missed this weeks rent, I have no WOF (warrant of fitness), I owe $40 to the council, $43 to the GP, I’m pretty sure I am possibly behind on the power bill, I owe the landlord money for water rates, I’m not sure how we are going to make the next payment on the credit card and things I have bought cheap to resell to help pay for some of these things, are just not selling. I am quietly constantly thinking about that. So I am probably seeming quite snappy to others. And I just kind of distance myself and go off and sit quietly in another room often. Cause I am stressing about it.

My 14 year old daughter is staying with us at the moment, until Tuesday. And she seems to be going through similar to what I did at her age. And it is hard to stop her from worrying and reassure her enough. But at least she talks to me about it, which is definitely a good thing. As at her age, with the very same fears, I actually didn’t tell anyone. I just kept it to myself. The fears she have are about dying, especially dying in her sleep or not waking up or just having something wrong with her and suddenly dying and the other fear is that she will stop breathing. I had both those fears too at her age. I would have the most intense and scary panic attacks about dying and I do still have panic attacks about dying these days, not as intense, but still pretty often. And the stopping breathing thing, I found eventually you can prove to yourself that fear is invalid. Generally eventually I found that if you try to hold your breathe for a certain amount of time, you just can’t after a while and that breathing is an automatic thing that your body does. But yes, I too did have that very real fear that I would stop breathing and would consciously make sure I would still keep myself breathing, until such a time as I learnt that I would just keep breathing no matter what.

My daughter does also suffer from anxiety and panic attacks at times. And she finds it very overwhelming and scary. It’s not an easy time being a teenager, so much going on and so many changes. You really do forget as an adult what an intense time teenage years were, until a teenager reminds you. It is a very intense and vulnerable time in life.

I’ve just today finished watching a series on Netflix. Which I’m sure some of you would have heard of by now, maybe even watched. It’s called “13 Reasons Why”. It is about a teenage girl in college/high school who killed herself and left 13 tapes explaining why she did it and who she blamed. I found it a very interesting series. I like that it explored things not just from her perspective, but others too. How what she did effected them, what happened for them during those few weeks in college personally, the effect it had on the school, the students, the parents and the very huge effect all of this had. It covered many different subjects that do happen to many or have happened to many in the past. It covers suicide, depression, self harm, rape, bullying, social media, slut shaming, gossip and also the extent some people will go to, to cover their own arse. I did find the very graphic scene of her cutting her wrists and bleeding out in the bath hard to watch. It did make me feel this horrible feeling within myself, it also made me feel ill. It’s hard to describe the feeling, it’s like watching someones last moment and knowing that’s the end, there’s no coming back from that and they are about to die and that is it. The only way I guess I can describe that feeling is exactly how I felt when I was told my best friend had killed himself. This sheer horror, where you are frozen in time, knowing nothing will ever be the same from then on.

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I don’t think I blog anywhere near as much as I used to.  Partly, because I just don’t get around to it, partly because I’m not sure what to write about or if I want to share very private thoughts(which usually, I just write in my diary) and partly because, I don’t know if my blog still gets read.  Though I’m sure it does…well I hope it does anyway.

 

So where I’m at presently is… I’ve been quite depressed for the past 2 weeks.  Things just seem to be getting on top of me.  Not busy wise, just life.  This cold weather makes me wants to hibernate at home and it’s not helping my exercise resolve at all.  I have exercised properly 2 times in I don’t even know how many months.  I’m thinking it’s been about 4 months.  My weight has gone up, from my goal weight.  And while I don’t like this fact, I’m finding it hard to stick to strict enough eating to get back to my goal weight.  Which is partly this cold weather and partly my depression. 

 

At many times lately, I’m just getting very worked up, angry over Annabelle being a whingy little toddler.  Which is most likely a typical behaviour at this age.  But it seems, I find it quite hard lately to keep my cool and keep calm.  She’ll just whinge, instead of telling Braiden or I what she wants.  Because she knows the words for whatever it is she’s wanting.  But instead, she’s being whingy.  And it kind of does my head in!  I go between feeling overwhelmed and teary and overwhelmed and angry or frustrated.  

 

The other week, I was having a bad day.  She was being difficult and kept misbehaving.  Possibly I think, because I missed the window of opportunity for her afternoon nap.  And well, toddlers can be rather difficult if this nap is needed and is missed.  As they get overtired and all hypo.  Anyway, her behaviour was already driving me a bit mad and then she threw a very solid, hard toy at the new TV and I had, had enough and lashed out and hit her(just to be clear, not in an abusive way) and she cried, because, one, I generally never hit her, so she was in shock and two, it probably hurt too.  Like most normal, caring, loving mothers, I instantly regretted lashing out and I felt like utter crap.  I said sorry and told her it wasn’t her fault and tried to explain myself(whether she understood what I was on about is another thing LOL) and gave her a big cuddle.  And I just broke down in tears and bawled my eyes out.  And she was such a sweetie, she puts both her little hands on my face and looks up at me and then hugs me even tighter.  I think she’s at an age where she’s developing empathy.  So she saw me wipe away my tears with my hanky and then grabbed my hanky and put it up to her face, so I could wipe her tears.  I then, cried even more.  But that was more out of pride and seeing how sweet and cute she was.

 

Yeah, so, I’ve been crying a lot lately and at times my anxiety levels have been going up, which is never fun.  But on the plus side, I have been approved for 6 free counselling sessions.  So at some point soon, I’ll arrange that.

 

Yesterday I went to a meet up, through this NZ meet up group, for people with Anxiety, Depression and other mental health issues.  We first meet up at Starbucks and then went and watched the movie ‘Rock of Ages’.  They are an awesome group of people and I really enjoy hanging out with them and chatting with them.  As we generally ‘get’ each other, in ways that others in society don’t ‘get’ us.  And sometimes, I think some of them think I talk too much LOL!  Which in all honesty, I am known for, by so many people who know me!  I just have to remember, despite how people might react to my talkative nature and even if people try give me shit about it, it’s not a bad thing and I won’t let myself feel as if it is.  As I spent a lot of my younger years, being hassled about this personality trait, like it was a bad thing and it gave me a bit of a negative complex about it.  But these days, I try and laugh it off if people give me shit about it.  Plus, sometimes they are just being sarcastic.  Being able to talk so easily and openly is definitely a positive personality trait.  As not everyone can just do that.  It’s something I have, that not everyone has.  It makes me unique and makes me who I am.  Of course, sometimes me being overly talkative is a nervous thing.  Like, sometimes I just can’t handle silence and I just talk, talk, talk.  Other times, it’s because I spend way too much time at home, with my toddler, or children and when I get to see adults and have social interaction, I get all excited and talk, talk, talk.  So, in short…or long maybe, I’m cool with this personality trait of mine, despite how others react.

 

On an area I’m not cool with…is parents who reject me.  As in, my significant others parents.  And, it’s a source of insecurity.  It something I have struggled with for years.   As when you’re in a relationship, an important, significant, hopefully long term relationship, how you are perceived, liked, disliked by your partners parents is a big thing.  And I know in many relationships, it makes or breaks the relationship.  So when my partners parents reject me, I find it really upsetting.  The more parents who have rejected me, the more it seems to upset me.  It’s happened to me a fair bit, since I had my first serious relationship when I was 17.  And I have had a few parents, dislike me or reject me.  Some for reasons I have been told, like my first serious relationship for example, I was 3 years older then my boyfriend and his mother did not like me for this reason.  She was worried I would lead him astray and corrupt him.  Fair enough though, he was 14, I was 17 and he was a virgin, though not completely innocent before I met him.  His Dad liked me though(his parents are divorced), so I could handle the fact that his mother wasn’t keen, as fair enough when you think about her reasons.  Other parents who have rejected me, it has seemed like there was no valid reason, they just didn’t like me.  I know one boyfriend, who had been brought up in wealth and has very rich parents, it was down to the fact that I had not had the same upbringing.  Gosh, snobby and judgemental much!  Another parent, it was because I’m christian and they are catholic.  Which to me, seems pretty petty, as both religions believe in the same God, the same Jesus and the same bible!  So, the fact Braiden’s(my now fiancée), father has rejected me, for no apparent reason, upsets me.  I mean, the way I see it is, why would a parent not like me?  What reason could they possibly have?  I’m nice, honest, kind, caring, compassionate, good, easy-going, friendly, a loving Mum and a generally all round decent person.  So the fact that his Dad has taken issue with me, kind of hurts.  If someone doesn’t like me, I want to know why, even if I don’t like the answer.  Not knowing why, that’s part of the problem.

 

It’s probably a big issue for me, because family is very important to me.  And being I don’t have any family within driving distance and whom I can see regularly.  Having the other halves family reject me, hurts even more.  As family is VERY important to me.  But, I do have good support on Sophie’s side of the family.  Her grandparents are very lovely and have been such a help to me over the years and are very involved in her life.  And for that, I am SO grateful!  And I make sure I tell them that too.  Just to clarify, for people who don’t know my history.  Sophie is from a previous relationship and Annabelle, is Braiden and my child.  So it’s Braiden’s parents who are the issue here, not Sophie’s side.

 

I am often disappointed that, though Annabelle’s grandparents(Braiden’s parents), live in Wellington, they put in no effort!  Or very little.  I mean, it’s only about 25 minutes drive I’d say, from their place to ours.  Seems like, they only visit and by they, I should more say, his Mum, when they are over this way for other reasons.  Or if it’s Annabelle’s birthday.  Like FFS, they don’t even give Braiden a call on his birthday or a present!  And his last birthday was significant, he was turning 30 and still, nothing!  Me, personally, with my family and expectations of family, found that shocking and disgusting!  If they could be more involved, even if that’s just his Mum, that would be greatly appreciated.  They know I struggle and they know I have mental health issues at times, yet they don’t offer any support.  And it’s not like they shouldn’t ‘get’ it, as they have both suffered from mental health issues at times in the past.  Yeah, so, not so impressed with them.  They have their youngest granddaughter plenty and she’s way harder work then Annabelle.  They even moan about how difficult she is.  Yet they have her plenty.  I think, they play favourites with their kids.  So, because Victoria(their 2nd and youngest granddaughter) is their youngest sons daughter, she gets favoured over Annabelle.  I have the feeling, they weren’t very nice to Braiden growing up and this favourites thing with their kids, has been going on for years.  And I so do not agree with that shit!  I know my Mum doesn’t play favourites with any of us kids.  I just feel like we, as a couple, do so desperately need some time without both the girls.  As, your relationship does most definitely suffer if you are always ‘on’ and always doing parent duty.

 

It’s not surprising I guess, that sometimes I just have enough of it all and want to escape and piss off elsewhere for a significant amount of time.  It’s not that I’m trying to get away from Braiden even, it’s that I’m just trying to get away from my 24/7 responsibilities.  As, leaving the house is the only way to get a break.  Going upstairs and chilling by myself, every now and then, will do.  But sometimes, that’s just not enough for me.  As I can’t fully relax when the kids are all home or when Braiden is bitching and moaning at his game or people he’s playing against.  That in itself does my head in on occasion.  As, really, who wants to listen to that for several hours or several nights in a row.  Not me!  I know though, I’m not alone in this desperation for time out and the whole, being ‘on’ 24/7 and desperately wanting a break or just some time as a couple.  Only having that time when the kids are asleep, is not enough and so not the same.  And yeah, I think my sex life and sex drive suffers as a result!

 

I’m not alone in that either.  Thank goodness!  I was rather relieved when I was hanging out with a few Mums in their 30’s, who have 2 or more children and we were discussing this subject.  It was nice to know, that others feel this way too.  And that some of them, have sex even less then Braiden and I.  But never-the-less, I do feel kind of shit about the fact that I don’t have much of a desire.  It’s not him either or lack of attraction.  It’s totally me.  I just favour sleep.  And, I think it’s hard to connect sexually, when you are always busy looking after 1 or both kids.  And not getting a break either.  I think, if we had the odd night off from them both, we could have better sex and my libido might go back to normal.  I am shocked at how shit it is!  I thought, it was supposed to be ‘dirty thirties’ and that us women are supposed to be at our peek sexually in our 30’s.  Yeah, not so much in this case!  I think maybe they mean single women, without kids!  The only time I seem to feel the desire is in my friggen dreams!  Not cool!  At least Braiden has a sex drive.  Pity I can’t borrow some of his LOL!  Interesting subject aye?!  My sex drive or shall I say lack of sex drive.  But I was encouraged by some people I was chatting to, (in real life, not online for once) to be honest and share my views and feeling on this subject.  As, there might be others out there, feeling the same and thinking that they are the only one feeling this way.  Let me just say, if you feel this way, you are so NOT alone!  I used to think maybe it was my body image or maybe it’s because I’m always tired.  But nah, seems more like, it’s the lack of real adult time.  That’s hard when you have 2 kids.  It was always much easier to get this time, when I only had 1 child.  And I wouldn’t want to go back to having only 1 child, but, there is a price to pay for having more then 1.  You just don’t realize this when you are planning on making a 2nd child.  You naively think, we’ll still have time, we’ll find the time and then reality bites and you find out, that time, isn’t so easy to come by.  The parents I know, who have a sex life, they only have 1 child or, they regularly get nights off from their kids.  Oh, how luck they are!  So, if we can maybe try and encourage Braiden’s parents to have Annabelle more, then maybe we can sort this dilemma out.  Hmm, I wonder, is there a pill I can take at my age for increasing sex drive?… I think, most likely nothing that can be prescribed by a doctor, due to not being an old lady LOL!

 

Oh, another great personality trait of mine is, I’m funny…apparently.  I don’t often see it, but I have a friend who is always telling me so. So she must be right of course!  Either that, or she just brings out the comedian in me.

 

A strange thing I have been getting frustrated about lately is.  I only have 5 pages left in my old diary and last time I wrote in it, I think I had about 9 pages left, so I had a good write in it and then started writing about mundane b.s, because I was trying to fill in the pages.  Then I get to the end of my entry and I still had 5 pages left.  Most people wouldn’t care about such a thing.  But me, I was left feeling frustrated.  Why, you may ask… It’s because this diary, I have had since 2007 and it’s just an A4 writing book, very boring.  And I’ve brought a new diary, which is very cool and has a funky design and I got a funky new pen to go with it.  So, I’m getting frustrated at not having finished my current diary.  As, naturally, I am feeling very excited about my new diary and writing in it.

 

Ah, so maybe that’s why people find me funny… Because I go off in tangents about subjects often completely unrelated.  Did you notice?…And also, maybe because, I get annoyed at the strangest things.  But, that’s what makes me unique right?!  And being unique, is definitely not overrated.  Even if people may replace the word ‘unique’ with weird, that’s most likely just because they are a boring copycat, who wouldn’t know unique if it came and bit them on thee arse LOL!  And there I go again, being random.

 

Right, so we have established, I’m talkative, random, unique, funny and lacking a sex drive.  Oh and clearly, very honest.

 

You know I was actually supposed to be getting off the computer like an hour or so and then I remembered, I was going to write in my blog.  Glad I remembered.  I’ve been meaning to write in here for a few days

Being all of 158cms, 5ft2, is not helpful when you have a small frame and are carrying extra weight. It also makes it very easy to be deemed overweight. That’s according to the BMI. Which I shouldn’t let bother me, it’s a general guide, but it really does bother me!

I want so desperately to be at least a size 10, though I’d prefer size 8, I can settle for 10.

I had a bit of a meltdown regarding how I feel about my body earlier. Changed my top like 6 times, maybe more. As everything was showing my belly size(and it’s not a good thing) and just either clinging to all the wrong areas or just making me look pregnant. I’m not pregnant!

So I resorted to putting on tights/pantyhose, to try flatten my belly some and a corset. Looks a little better, but I know what it looks like without the help.

So feeling pretty crappy today.

Not helping me that Annabelle being difficult today and makes be anywhere but home or someone’s home a nightmare! Then you get the rude people at the mall staring(very obviously) while my toddler is packing a tantrum. All I can say, is that teenager is very lucky my PMS has worn off!

Ok, that’s all for now. Sophie has Brownies enrollment day today, so just waiting for 4:30pm to take her.

Realizations…

I hope I spelt that word right LOL!

I keep coming to these awesome realizations and thinking, oh I must write that down or write it on my blog, but then I forget to go do so or I’m nowhere near a computer!

One realization that came to mind recently, that I actually remember is, we should thank our ex’s for dumping us and even sometimes, treating us crap. Strange thing to say, I know. But I have a reason for saying that.

If they never dumped us, we’d still be with them and clearly that was not the right plan and they weren’t the right guy, so it’s good they set us free. As if they didn’t, we wouldn’t have the partner, fiancée, husband, we do right now. And we wouldn’t have our beautiful children. Well in some cases, an ex may have gifted us with either one or some of our children, so in that respect, they did something else good for us. And if they never treated us crappy, we wouldn’t appreciate the decent guys, in comparison. I hope this makes sense.

And on the topic of realizations, but on a different subject, have you ever got to thinking, ‘who am I?’ As in, who am I now, compared to who I was growing up and how much have I changed from that child and was it for the better or not?…

I am who I am now, as a result of many life experiences, some good, some really bad. I like the parts that have effected me positively and made me stronger, but I wish to purge the parts the make up the not so nice parts of me. Cause, though I am, really quite a nice person, I am capable of being a right bitch at times, just by comments I make or the things I may think. But I think that comes down to self esteem. As generally, we are attacking, because we are lacking and we’re trying to boost our ego in some way and trying to pretend we aren’t that insecure person that we really are.

I once was sitting around and thinking about who I used to be and who I am now and it saddened me and made me cry. It’s like, I lost myself, well most of myself and I hadn’t even realized it til years and years later.

I will, in time become a happier, more content and confident person. I’m working on it and it’ll take time, but I’ll get there.

I don’t remember if I’ve said this before or not. But so much of my self esteem right now, is tied up in the way I look and my weight. And some of my unhappiness and lack of confidence is simply because I got FAT! And in my head, I’ve never gotten used to that and I can’t just accept it. As when you go from being a size 8 for most of your life and having a nice slim figure and then you gain a lot of weight and become overweight and have all these wobbly bits, you tend not to be able to just accept this. Well I don’t anyway. But at the same time…I do bake a lot of cupcakes and keep eating them and I am very slack when it comes to exercise. I think it’s because I know, to lose the weight, I have to be disciplined as and once the weight is lost, I have to work out how to maintain the ideal weight and that is always the struggle.

Ok, it’s now nearing midnight, so I think I shall end this post here. Good Night.