Rinse and Repeat

Not literally rinse and repeat, it’s just an analogy for same shit, different day.

So I guess a lot has gone on since I last blogged.

I’ve left a few jobs, had a bit of a breakdown mentally a few weeks ago and yeah, I guess I have been avoiding admitting that I have been quite depressed for some time.

At the moment I’m not working, so that’s why I feel like life is just on rinse and repeat.

I do try to find different things to fill my day. But there are some days I just don’t want to get out of bed and I just want to sleep the whole day away.

So let’s get back to the breakdown. I think it was triggered by a lot of stress and ongoing depression and just feeling lost and not being able to find a job that I was invested enough in to stick at. I had been having intense nausea leading up to my breakdown and I thought that was just my weird stomach. Turns out it was just that I was really quite stressed and it was showing by means of intense nausea. I went through a period of barely being able to eat and my sleep was terrible and it was just a vicious cycle repeating itself. It got so bad that on my lunch break at the job I was doing at the time, that just trying to chew food was making me nearly vomit. So I ended up finishing work that day at lunch. I then made the decision to leave that job and that was basically when my mental health took a huge dive.

My physical health with the nausea had been so bad before leaving the job, that I had taken several days off and been in A&E a few times. First time just because the nausea was so bad I couldn’t handle it and was desperate for some help. Which was basically just being given anti nausea medication and sent on my way. Then the second time was because I felt desperate and a bit suicidal, because I couldn’t sleep or eat and the nausea was unbearable.

All the stress was messing with my sleep and I would wake up sweating, with my heart feeling like it was going crazy and then I’d feel really cold and start shivering and would also be on the verge of blacking out, which was really scary.

At times my heart was going so crazy, or so I thought, that I thought I was going to have a heart attack and I was really freaked out, so I called an ambulance. They checked me out and everything was fine.

Everything just got too much the next day, in the early hours of the morning and I was at breaking point. Crying loudly and sobbing very loudly. So I called the crisis mental health team and they got an ambulance to take me to A&E and I was just left there for a good 20 mins or so, sobbing loudly and rocking back and forth and being ignored by all the staff who actually had zero patients. Which I thought was really fucked up.

Eventually a doctor came and saw me and told me the crisis team were still a while away and I said “look I am just not going to be able to cope until then”. So he asked if I would like something to help calm me down and I said “yes please”. So he gave me some Lorazepam and once that kicked in, it was the first time I had actually felt calm for weeks.

I did end up in respite a few times last month, which was somewhat helpful. As I couldn’t handle the stress of being at home in the caravan and all the stress that goes with that. Plus I was not able to bring myself to eat at home. So respite was nice. It was nice to be able to go to the toilet whenever you like and not have to worry about having a cassette to empty (caravan’s that don’t have a built in toilet have a portable toilet which needs emptying). It was also nice to have a shower with no time limit. As my shower in my caravan only has about 5 mins worth of hot water, so my showers at home are very fast.

So back to why I think I had a breakdown mentally. I think it was a mix of a few things. I had been depressed for months, had nausea every morning and that was pretty unpleasant. I had started and left quite a few jobs. I felt lonely and like I only really had 1 or 2 friends and only 1 reliable one, who is my ex partner. I felt really lost after going through so many jobs. It messed with my confidence. I also haven’t seen my kids for a while and that makes me feel like utter shit. I feel like I am failing them by not seeing them often. I was totally overwhelmed with all the stuff that goes with living in a caravan. Once I had decided to leave the last job I just totally freaked out. I was constantly panicked trying to work out how to make ends meet and if I could afford to live and pay my bills and eat and see the kids.

Then there was the decision to try go back to the Commercial Road Transport course and whether I can afford to do that. As I thought I could just apply and start while being on the benefit. But then I went to the pre course interview and I was told I have to go on Studylink. So I’m still waiting to hear back about that.

Honestly the last time I felt happy and content in life was when I was doing pilot driving at Downer. So when I ended up just getting put on Traffic Control work I ended up feeling really over working there. As I really loved the pilot driving and I actually enjoyed going to work when I did that job.

Honestly I feel lonely not having someone to share my life with. It’s no surprise who I want that person to be.

It’s been just over 18 months since he left me and granted it needed to be done for both of our sakes. But he’s got his shit sorted and I’m still trying to find my place. Though I have grown a lot and changed immensely and I am very proud of my changes.

We have both been trying to learn the Cha Cha. Though that’s pretty difficult in my caravan. I have a dvd that is for beginners, but I need more space to practise. I can use one of the spaces here where I live, I just need to book a time to use it when it’s free.

I have been trying to learn Latin with this app called Duolingo. I’m doing ok at it. But sometimes I just get a bit over getting many sentences wrong. Though despite the frustration I keep persisting.

At the moment I’m on Quetiapine to help with sleep. Which seems to be working well and on the plus side, it seems to mean waking in the morning with no nausea which is awesome! As the nausea was so unbearable before. I have also been prescribed Lorazepam for the panic attacks. So I use that when I feel overwhelmed and start getting into freak out mode.

I feel like I am able to get out there and do normal things again. As it was so bad last month or whenever all this stuff happened, that I couldn’t handle going to the supermarket, pharmacy, doctor or even leaving the caravan. I was also struggling to make myself food or eat. I just basically had no interest in eating.

I remember waiting to see the doctor and just being in such a panic and when I saw her for whatever reason I was there, I was crying most of the time.

I’ve been wanting to write about all this for a few weeks now, but just couldn’t find the motivation to actually blog.

My ex partner has been really supportive during this time, which has been great. My mum goes between being supportive and critical. I was in tears over something she said yesterday. I can’t even remember what. But I had a good text exchange with my ex about everything and that helped me chill out. I can’t help but love him, he’s been there for me through a lot and his support and advice mean a lot to me.

He says he wants to build a life with me, but I need to get my shit sorted. Which is fair. As teammates should be equal contributors to the relationship. As in the past it was quite one sided and I took more then I gave.

I had to learn to love myself and be by myself and be ok with that. Plus I had a few unresolved issues that I really needed to work through.

I’ve definitely discovered how strong and resilient I can be.

That’s all for now. Until the next time I find something worth blogging about.

Thanks for reading 🙂

Feeling Stuck, Overwhelmed, Lost

Actually putting in the time to write a post is hard. I just get overwhelmed and everything is an effort

Just even thinking about actioning any desire to post makes me anxious sometimes

Sometimes my level of anxiety about doing things just overwhelms me and stops me from taking any action

I’ve been feeling kind of in a funk at work lately. Just very over my job and how simple and unchallenging it is. I feel like it doesn’t require a whole lot of skill and most people could do it. Also been feeling unappreciated at work also. Seems a bit of a popularity contest at times. As it seems the well liked and more popular group of people seem to stick up for their buddies and let management know they are doing a good job. Doesn’t seem to matter if I am doing just as good a job or better. After nearly 4 months, not once has there been any feedback telling me I’m appreciated and doing a good job

I expressed this frustration to a work colleague and she has felt the same with regards to herself and her effort and not being appreciated or acknowledged. She did at least say she considers me to be a hard worker with a great work ethic, so it’s good to be told someone sees it

I also talked to my temp agency about this frustration and he says the place I’m working at does sing my praises and appreciate me. And I’m like, yeah great, but why do they never bother to let me know this? Why do they seem to only show appreciation for the popular bunch?…

With my job I feel very unchallenged also and I feel like they are just going to leave me in the mundane job I’m doing, despite that not being the job I was hired to do and despite me making it very clear I need a challenge and I would like to be in other roles. I guess I just don’t feel heard or appreciated. Also, despite having an interview over a month ago, I have heard nothing. So it leads me to believe they have chosen someone else over me, because I have other commitments and can’t do weekends

Like I understand they are a business and why they would prioritize others who can do more hours. But I do a better job then several of those others and I don’t slack off and get paid for doing minimal. I actually do my job very well and don’t slack off at all

I am putting in the effort to upskill myself, as it seems I’m just not getting the opportunities at work, so I have to effect change myself

I know myself well and when I am getting depressed at work and hating my job, it’s hard to focus and to want to stick at it. So as an adult who is responsible for steering my own ship, I’m doing something about it

I’ve had a lot going on lately. I’ve moved out of the flat I was in, have moved into a caravan, which is a huge change and such a huge adjustment, which at times feels like a lot and is hard to feel at ease with

I have felt judged by my oldest daughters grandparents, as they thought it was a step backwards and lets just be honest, they are kind of being closed minded snobs about the whole caravan thing and where I have relocated to. Yeah, I get it, they worry. But it’s not really fair for them to make assumptions and judgements without actually talking to me and seeing where things are at in my life. They basically freaked out and thought it was me going backwards. I had to explain to them that I am actually paying $10 more a week where I am now and it was the most affordable option for someone living alone. Rent is high these days and living alone in even just a 2 bedroom flat is way more expensive then it was when I moved in to the old flat. I paid $320 per week and now that same size and same location is $430-$480 per week and that was just not affordable on a single wage

Then there were other stresses with my own family and how my mother feels about my younger 2 kids and their shyness and reluctance to converse with her or others. And granted, I get it that it’s not ideal. But basically telling 2 young kids that they are rude, yelling at them and calling their father a loser who is fucking up their life, is the wrong way to approach these concerns. And using tough love as an excuse and saying you’re not going to pussy foot around the subject, is not being responsible for your words and actions. And all the kids hear, is you’re bad and your dad is a bad person. I urged my mother to be more mindful of her language and the consequences of what she said. She just got on the defensive. Yes I did say to her that her tough love screwed me up and she didn’t like hearing that, but I am allowed to speak my truth and assert myself. She felt like using tough love on me while I was growing up would make me tougher. I told her, no, I was a sensitive and emotional child and that was actually more damaging then anything else

I do make a point of acknowledging that I know all this comes from a place of love, so she knows it is seen and appreciated that she tries, even if the delivery is wrong

Parents have a hard time taking advice from their adult children. I feel like they feel disrespected sometimes when an adult child asserts themselves. Sadly their reactions are a result of their own upbringing. Some of us are just breaking the unhelpful cycles of possibly generations of harsh parenting

Tough love has it’s place yes. But a wise person knows when to employ it and when to hold your tongue. Words are damaging

Saying your granddaughter has an attitude for expressing an opinion that differs from yours is also not fair. Neither is pushing someone and trying to force your opinion on someone while they are asking for space and to be left alone. Especially if that person is having a very obvious panic attack and trying to find ways to calm themselves

It was a very hard night for me having 2 of my girls in tears, having panic attacks and trying to keep everything calm and protect them. That experience did wear on me a lot. That was also the same weekend my oldest daughters granddad expressed his concerns and judgement, so it was a lot to handle

So all of that passed and it was meant to be back to work, but then I had a little accident on my motorbike and broke a part on my motorbike and injured my foot. Apparently it’s a temporary dislocation of some bone in my right foot. So as a result I’ve not been able to work all week

So everything just built up and was a lot to handle. The moving and feeling vulnerable here by myself. The feeling isolated as I’m in a different part of NZ now. The stress of the other weekend. The lack of satisfaction and lack of appreciation at work. The injuring myself. The drain on myself physically while I’m healing and also the lack of uncertainty with not being able to work and now relying on a ridiculously small amount of money from WINZ to survive on and how I will get by while I’m doing a 2 week Wheels, Tracks and Rollers course. So yesterday I was a bit of a mess. Crying a lot of the day, feeling like utter shit, no motivation in doing anything

Got a bit needy and insecure and was begging my ex to come hang out with me. Which isn’t really fair or enjoyable for him. Then I cause him to worry about me and that’s not a burden I want to put on him

I guess I give him confusing and mixed messages at times by laying all my crap on him. Like I think he feels responsible for trying to come up with a solution or a way to fix the problems I express. All I am really wanting is to share how I’m feeling. But I think I have trouble with getting the right balance. Like I want to be fair to him and his needs and not burden him. Sometimes I think I am too busy trying to get out of my funk and I don’t realize how laying my crap on others might feel for them or drain them or ware on them

He said he feels sometimes like he’s just a dumping ground for my crap and yeah that’s not fair

He is the only person I feel is a true friend and who I can actually rely upon. He very much has my back and has always supported me and encouraged me and he’s the one person I trust the most. I trusted him with my heart, my vulnerability and the mess I used to be and he certainly stepped up and proved he was the only person deserving of that trust and vulnerability. I do honestly feel like people like him only come by once in a lifetime and that you should make sure they know how special they are to you and that they are appreciated and seen and supported

One of my rattos died earlier this week and that was really unexpected and hard to deal with. He was pretty special to me and he had a special relationship with me. As I was the only person he ever bonded with. He was quite a shy boy. His name was Shadow. So that’s been quite hard losing him and now I’m worried about his brother Dusty, as Dusty is looking like he might be on his way out too. Just looking at him now he looks a bit concerning. Like he might be on his last legs. But sometimes I get it wrong and they’ve still got a bit more life left in them. I just got extra worried, as yesterday he fell out of his basket

I feel like sometimes I’m all over the place with my thinking and writing and that maybe it’s hard to follow and wonder if it makes sense. I also think too much and overthink, so yeah, that doesn’t help

Anyway, I got this. Everything is alright, even when it all feels like too much and everything is always fine in the end. And I can always take back control when things feel out of control and tomorrow is a new day and the future is always full of new possibilities and I am responsible for my happiness

Anyway, I should probably get some sleep soon

The Uncertainty of Lockdown

So, here in lovely NZ (New Zealand) we are currently in Level 4 Lockdown, which started on Tuesday at midnight (17th August 2021) and it was originally for 3 days NZ wide and 7 days in Auckland (that was where the 1 active case was as of 17th August 2021) and that was a big shock to the system. That has effected my ability to work, as I am only a temp at my work. The permanent staff have work still, as they are deemed an essential service working in road maintenance and temporary traffic management. Sadly for us temps, these are times of uncertainty and obviously no pay, unless we are owed leave/holiday pay and I’m not sure I’ve worked for long enough through my temp agency to accumulate any

We have just found out this afternoon all of NZ are Level 4 Lockdown until next Tuesday at midnight (24th August 2021) I can’t say I like this uncertainty and being stuck at home isn’t much fun either. I do have a flatmate, but there’s only so much I can handle when it comes to someone relatively new to my environment. Also, no offense to stoners, but I don’t really have time for them if I am forced to live with one. Especially because he has lied about smoking in the house and keeps making excuses, despite me very clearly stating it’s not allowed under any circumstances and that it could effect my living here if the landlord were to find out and I don’t need that stress. As the landlord only informed me on the weekend just passed, that he has listed the flat for sale, so that’s a hurdle I was not expecting and now have to deal with and I’ll be honest, I am stressing a little about it, though I try keep that stress in check… But I’ve kind of not really been looking for somewhere else. Yeah, I know, not helpful in any way aye. I mean I have been looking here and there, but the price of rentals out there is not affordable and flatting with others is a challenge, as you have to gel with them and also, having pet rats makes it challenging. I have considered the idea of financing a caravan, but at the moment that isn’t an option I can consider realistically with the lockdown

So yeah, a fair bit of uncertainty is looming at this time

One kind of cool thing that has been helpful in dealing with the isolation of lockdown has been using Discord to watch movies with my ex via Share Your Screen option. It’s pretty cool, as you can be connected with the voice chat too. So it’s like they are there with you, which is a plus at this uncertain time

Honestly, feeling the effects of isolation at the moment, feeling a bit alone and low. Not having the every day structure of work is kind of hard to deal with. It was fine the first 2 days, but now I’m over it aye

One positive that’s happened lately is I got a motorbike. I used to have one the same as what I just got, but had to sell the previous one back in March due to bills and not having a job. So there’s that which is a nice, good thing in my life I can feel positive about. I just wish I could go ride it, but I can’t, as I don’t have a license and it’s not yet legal. It’s a cool as motorbike though, it’s a Yamaha Scorpio Z 2010 – 225cc

Also, the having to move house is good, as then I don’t have to be paranoid about the creep who was sexually harassing me trying to knock on my door or windows or talk to me or seek revenge. Yeah, I’m pretty paranoid about things since that incident the other week. I will get over it in time, but yeah, it still effects me on some level

Anyway, I’m feeling a bit drained emotionally, so I think I’ll find something to do that will relax me. Maybe watch a movie or play a game

Thanks for reading. Enjoy your day/night

It’s been a while

I’ve been through a lot since my relationship ended last year in November. Ups and downs. Some bad decisions, but I feel more good decisions have been made then bad.

Out of loneliness and desperation for social contact, I did hang around with some less then desirable people and made bad choices. Took drugs that I regret ever trying. I don’t feel I ever got to a point of being reliant or addicted, as I feel it was more being around the drug and people who had a dependency on it and simply partaking out of boredom and just being around those people. I never really cared for it and can happily live without it and those people and the stresses that their lives involved. I was mostly using it as a distraction from my unhappy feelings. It was most definitely an unhealthy coping mechanism. Trying to runaway from my reality, instead of facing it head on and making the changes I needed to, to make my life better. Certainly I do not think people who take such a drug are bad people, but they tend to be, from my observation, very stuck, hurting people, who generally have traumas and issues that they haven’t resolved and rather then actually doing the right thing for themselves and working through their traumas and issues, they choose to numb it and block it out with drugs. This, as we all know, never fixes anything. This is always a temporary solution and never serves to improve their lives and then due to their addiction, they do end up make bad choices and becoming pretty shitty in how they behave and treat others, out of desperation to feed their addiction. It’s really bloody sad. I am quite empathetic and I see their pain, but I don’t accept their excuses. I can empathize with how their trauma is a constant struggle to live with, but still, you are the author of your life and only you can rewrite your story and that there is power. A power that I wish these people would embrace.

All you can do is say, “hey, I see you. I see your pain. I see how much it hurts, I see how hard you struggle. But you can do better and be better and you have these skillsets and you can make something of your life and you know that”. No-one will ever change until they are ready. All you can do is let them know someone believes in them, that they are important and people do care and leave it at that. You can’t hang around to see if they make these changes, as due to their addiction, they will sadly use you, manipulate you and play on your sympathies to feed their addiction.

That’s as much time as I’m willing to devote to that subject. I’m done with that drug and those people and my life is better for it.

I was so sick of living a life of regret and shame. I hated hurting people I love when I was weak. I hated that I lied and only thought about myself at times, in the context of making selfish choices that did not serve my growth and I couldn’t be the best me.

I am SO lucky for the few great people I have in my life. I keep my circle small for a reason. Only people who want the best for me I allow to stay in my life. I am thankful to my Mum for being there and loving me, even when I couldn’t love myself. For supporting me and advocating for me when I was depressed and suicidal last year and the mental health sector didn’t offer me any help. I am so thankful she kept pushing until someone would hear me and offer me the support I desperately needed. I am thankful for my friend Lindsay, even though he didn’t always know what to say, what he had to say was supportive and caring and just even if all he could do was listen, that was huge to me. I am thankful for my oldest daughter Sophie telling me some hard truths and pulling me up on being kind of shit Mum during the Xmas holidays and not being there for her. She was blunt, but I love that she was and I needed her to tell me straight how that effected her. It really helped me. Yeah, no doubt it was very hard to hear. As it hurt and I hurt her and failed her when I couldn’t be present. As I was not coping after my break up and I just couldn’t be present and be the parent she needed. I am thankful to my ex, who is still my friend and I think he will always be my best friend, despite everything. Because we have been each others best friend for 5 years and we are used to sharing our lives, triumphs and struggles with each other. And I Love him no doubt. It hurts me so much when I know he is hurting because of me. He’s been my biggest supporter in life and been with me through so much. The best and the worst and he still stayed loyal and by my side, loving me through it all. But I wasn’t always the team player and partner he needed and I was detrimental to his mental health at times, due to my unresolved issues. So I respect he needed to leave and put that time and distance between us, to look after himself and ultimately it forced me to look after myself and find myself and start to heal my life. I do want a life with him and I hope in the future we can have that. We do both care for each other deeply and love each other. But because of my last slip up with drugs on my birthday, his guard is up and his trust towards me is shaken. So that will take time to rebuild. But I appreciate that he texts with me every day and we chat on the phone several times a week. He is irreplaceable. No one has captured my heart like him. No-one gets me like he does and he’s just a beautiful soul, so kindhearted and a real man. He softened my hardened heart.

I’ve had to sever contact with his parents, as they don’t agree I should be in his life in any capacity. I do understand based on the past me, that they have their reservations. But people can and do change. But I can’t allow myself to care so much what they think and about their approval, as the last interaction I had with his father, left me feeling enraged, hopeless and suicidal and rather then allow his father to throw anything more at me that had such a negative response by me, I did what was best for me and cut off contact. If you have followed my blog and read many of my previous posts about myself, you may recall I have quite an issue with seeking approval of parents, especially fathers. I think fathers, because I lost my own father at an early age, so I tend to crave that acceptance more.

I am a lot stronger then I realized. That I am still standing and persevering despite such a long struggle with depression is awesome. The end of last year was so hard for me. Living by myself has been very hard and yeah, there was a period of bad decisions because of loneliness. My brief time on Tinder, I thought it was about sex, but when I really looked at myself, it was loneliness and not respecting myself and not loving myself and not caring about myself. It was so much deeper, that behaviour, then what it seemed. Truth, once I got over my self destructive tendencies, I realized I don’t even care about sex, unless it’s in a relationship and with someone I love. It doesn’t feel good, it lacks substance and depth. I feel some females can tend to keep sex very separate from feelings at times. This is evidenced in how females can tend to move on sexually or otherwise quite fast. We can be a bit ruthless to be honest. Men, despite many misconceptions have more depth and emotional connections related to sex. Interesting, because there’s always been this perception that women are the more emotional sex. Hmm, don’t fully agree. It’s just more socially acceptable for us to have and show emotions. I feel the opposite is true. I feel men are the more emotional sex. But it is less accepted as appropriate for them to show emotion by society. Yes, there is more acceptance of this, but still we have a long way to go. I feel women really are given way too much leeway and they get away with so much that they shouldn’t. We are taught from a young age in fact, to be less then honest and how to manipulate and in fact how to use our sexuality to get our way in certain situations. Whereas men are taught to be honest, loyal, truthful and to make their family proud. They are taught to be hardworking, nurturing, protective and they have a huge weight of expectations on them by society and family. I accept I’m a female and it is what it is, but I am not proud of what little is honestly expected of us. I mean come on, really?! Why do we get bought up with such questionable values?! Why didn’t we get bought up to be honest, loyal, truthful, hardworking and protective?…. Like in this world of equality, this is fucked! Granted, there are likely some women who may have been bought up in a less morally questionable way, but I’m not one of them and every female I have known so far, accept maybe one, was bought up much the same as me. And just let me say, I think men do deserve to get paid more with regards to certain careers. This isn’t about sexism though, it’s about certain tasks they can better perform then women and I’m not saying there aren’t possibly women who could do some of those tasks, it’s possible, but this is why the higher pay is justified.

On to another subject. Stoicism and Philosophy. Both bloody awesome subjects! I’ve been listening to a lot of audiobooks on Stoics, Stoicism and Philosophers and Philosophy and it’s very insightful and relevant and can definitely be used to better our lives. Markus Aurelius, Socrates, Seneca, Epictetus. I have come to discover a lot of modern Psychology has a lot of basis and inspiration from Philosophy and Stoicism, especially CBT.

So, what else have I been upto lately. Well, self improvement, studying for my Class 2 license and Forklift License. Trying to get a full time job. Eating well and looking after my mind, body and soul. Living a life I can be proud of. I can’t remember if I have mentioned my annoying diet restrictions. Annoyingly I am Gluten Intolerant, Lactose Intolerant and Egg Intolerant. Makes eating healthy on a small budget so damn difficult! You go to the supermarket and have to really look and not be impulsive. That not being impulsive with foods has been a hard one to work with. As I love sweet, bad things, but my body WILL punish me if I eat bad foods 😦

I’m feeling a lot happier these days and have more energy and motivation. Dropping the antidepressants seems to have helped with that. Though I do still have dreams that are intense and sometimes emotionally charged or distressing. But I’ve come to accept that might just be because dreams are the brains way of resolving issues, whether current or past. Having to just use your own strength to deal with your many varying and intense emotions without the aid of antidepressants just shows how strong you really are. But damn! It is not the easiest task to sit with those intense emotions, especially the desire to self harm or any suicidal thoughts, when you don’t have the off switch or balancing influence of antidepressants. But look, I am still here and I’ve not self harmed and I’m still living my life and finding hope.

It used to feel like I had this lifelong sentence with BPD. I feel the essence of my issues with regards to BPD was the shifting self identity and now that I have a more solid sense of self and feel assured of who ‘I’ am, I am feeling more at ease, more contented and less of a lost cause. I feel so much more hope for myself and the future. It sux when you lose yourself and just can’t work out where you fit in this world. Finding that renewed sense of self is a beautiful, powerful thing.

Right, I’m happy with that level of sharing and also, just past midnight and I need to sleep. Thanks to anyone following my blog and reading it. I appreciate it and appreciate you. I hope what I share helps others feel less alone in this messed up world. Knowing you aren’t the only one going through what you’re going through is reassuring and makes life, with it’s ups and downs and various struggles, that little bit easier just knowing you aren’t alone in your struggles. Hence why I blog and I encourage others to blog. This started as an outlet just for me and then became about just being real in hopes that others might draw inspiration from knowing they aren’t alone and being at the very least, comforted by that. I do my best not to filter myself, as I want to be as real as possible about my ups and downs.

I’m back for now

The reason for the title is because we have not been able to get the internet connected at home.  Turns out the phone line which would at least allow the internet provider to narrow down our particular apartment, has been cut at the box.  Annoying!  You see it is what is referred to as a multi dwelling building and that makes it harder to work out where to send the VDSL signal.  So yeah, no internet at home as yet, which makes blogging very difficult and believe me I have been hanging out to blog.

So, thing’s have improved since my last post.  I had a session with the relationship counsellor and my ex and we managed to come to an arrangement that works for both of us, regarding seeing my younger 2 children.  I get my nearly 3 year old son by himself on Wednesday’s and I get both of them on Saturday.  My son is generally ok with that, but my 6 year old often wants to stay with me and not go home at the end of Saturday, which is hard for both her and I.  But I respect the arrangement and in time I am sure her Dad will allow her to have at least 1 overnight stay a week.

I have met my new partner’s father a couple of times and he has talked to me briefly, so that is something.  To me that is big progress considering.

The new place is great.  It is opposite the beach, a big sports field and a decent playground. And it is nice and close to most places.  It is just a really lovely apartment and we are really enjoying it here.

We were having issues a few weeks back with some unstable types through Facebook.  I don’t know how many of the messages were coming from the same person with fake profiles and how many of them were different people connected with the same person. But these people were making up numerous stories and lies and even going as far as threatening my new partner, our friend and myself.  And due to some kind of setting within the Facebook app they knew the approximate area where we live.  So I have since gone through every possible setting on Facebook to make it impossible for random people to contact me or find me on there.  I also made sure any location tracking or GPS setting on Facebook has been disabled.  They went as far as turning up at our friend’s house and threatening his Mum and made up a lie about rape.  These people are truly messed up.  We suspect they are quite possibly junkies.  They certainly were not straight while messaging my new partner or myself.  Their messages barely made sense, they keep changing their stories and could not spell or put a proper sentence together.  My new partner and I made a point of blocking anyone potentially associated with them and thankfully we have heard nothing since.  Regarding them knowing the approximate area we live in, I simply lied and said that the location service often gets that particular suburb wrong and comes up with that result even when in a nearby suburb, which is my old suburb and that I in fact lived in my old suburb.  Which is not untrue to be fair, as my phone would locate me as being in my current suburb, when I in fact lived in my previous suburb.  They seemed to know approximately what street we live on, like scarily close, as in the 2 streets up the road.  I lied again and said it would have been picking up my location from when I go to the recycling centre and recycled clothing warehouse or that I was likely visiting my friend in that area.  I did not want to let on to them that they were anywhere near right regarding my location.

All of this put me extremely on edge and made me extremely anxious, panicked and fearful.  To the point I was jumping at random noises at night and freaking out when I was at home by myself and I certainly did not want to leave the house.  I was so freaked out and paranoid that I wished I could just pack up and move islands.  But I knew that would not be fair on my younger 2 children. So now that all that has stopped I am not as freaked out, but my anxiety is still higher then usual.

The internet is a powerful thing, but on the flip side, that is not always a good thing.

I was talking to my new partner the other night about my experiences after I had my youngest child and that made it very evident to me that all that is still somewhat raw and there are still definitely issues that need resolving.

I have been having issues with disturbing and/or bothersome dreams consistently over the last few weeks.  I find it quite emotionally and mentally draining.  I find myself avoiding going to bed or when in bed anxious about going to sleep.  I just wish for some reprieve from such dreams.

I have been going to the recycling centre shop quite a bit lately and have been getting some awesome stuff for the house for really cheap.

Thing’s are going really well with my new partner.  I love how affectionate he is, how we are so often on the same page, even thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time and how he notices if my mood is off.  I observe the same in him, which he is not used to.  I love that he appreciates things like that in me and that he truly sees the real me, flaws and all and all the good stuff too.  He is one in a million.

My mood has been quite sensitive lately and low at times.  Which definitely I feel was effected hugely by the Facebook crap.

Some of the Facebook crap I think was started by a young guy who had not taken it well that I am in a relationship.  Sadly he is quite a mentally unstable guy.  I believe schizophrenic and a compulsive liar.  Apparently he can not often distinguish the difference between the lies he has fabricated and reality.  He wholeheartedly believes these lies to be fact.

The problem with it being so long until I get to post is that I often have some quite significant things in my mind that I want to share, but by the time I do get to post, I have forgotten most of it.

One thing that is in my thoughts quite often is my possible career interest.  I would definitely like to be doing something helping others.  I definitely still have a very strong interest and passion for mental health and psychology.  My ideal job would be a support worker in Intermediate and/or College, as in supporting young people of those ages with things regarding their mental health.  But then is the consideration of study and how tight of a position that might put me in financially.  I know many subjects have mid year intakes.  Then there is adding to my student loan debt.  It is scary.  I think my caution regarding that is my own mental health.  I want to feel a certain amount of stability with my mental health consistently.  As I know I become overwhelmed easily, stressed easily, anxious and panicked.  I think that is what has been hindering my decision and commitment to study.  As I can not keep just trying to go on without working through such significant issues.

Gah!  Just writing all that made me feel anxious.

I think that is all I have to write about for now.  So thank you again for reading.

 

 

I Don’t Want Anyone to Know How I Really Feel

I don’t even want to write it in here. But pretending I am not feeling how I am feeling is not helpful either.

Granted PMS probably is not helping.

Something small will set off my emotions. I start feeling anxious and vulnerable. Then my emotions just go numb. I do not know if that is the antidepressant, a defense mechanism or a coping strategy.

The emotional numbness wears off and then slowly the tears start flowing and then streaming down my face. They are definitely not numb any more.

When I am here by myself a lot, I feel really lonely and isolated.

The amount of isolation on days when I have no company is really hard for me. It is not helped by the fact I do not have my car. I crave that freedom and independence. I do need that freedom and independence for my sanity and for my Mental Health to be in a healthy space.

This lack of freedom to just get in my car and go wherever, has been very detrimental to my wellness mentally.

I have, for the most part, had a car for the past 20 years almost. Except a few months over 10 years ago when I had no car for a short period. But I was not lacking social contact back then.

I do not really want to admit this, but I am always for honesty and transparency and sharing my journey, so I will.

Last night I felt really low. I can not really remember what triggered it. Though I do know I am more sensitive at the moment and my emotions are closer to the surface due to PMS. I felt super low and wanted to cut myself. But I am not even sure why. Well, that is not completely true. I think the isolation at times might have quite a bearing actually.

I do not like having to rely on others to get me places. And to be honest, I am not fond of public transport either.

I guess I have trouble needing help, accepting that I need others help and having to rely on others.

I am a stubborn, self-sufficient, independent adult. So yeah, it is difficult to swallow my pride and need others like this.

At least I know I am most likely to have my car back and running this Friday. But damn! Friday can not come fast enough!

I have noticed quite often lately when I am sleeping alone, my anxiety increases at night and I start feeling a bit panicked. Fearful that my panic attacks might creep back in. But they have not so far, so I hope it stays that way. As when I used to suffer from them quite regularly years ago, they were very frightening and overwhelming.

I need to say though, I do not always feel low like this. I am experiencing more joy, contentment and happiness at times when I am doing new thing’s, spending time with people who are important to me and getting out and about. So it is not a constant low mood.

Hmm, I must have needed to blog actually and let this all out. As I am feeling very calm and at ease now. Yay for blogging and having a creative outlet!

I have been a bit slack lately with trying some new tricks with my Hula Hoop. But that is simply because my energy stores get zapped at this time of month.

A few thing’s that help me feel chill, content and happy are, spending time with people who care about me, nurture me and encourage me. Watching comedic movies definitely helps too. As does having a few people who I can be real with and whom can do the same with me and exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences and stories.

Just by the way, I am quite proud of my cake making skills this year. I made my 6 year old a Paw Patrol themed birthday cake and it turned out awesome. So a big yay me for that.

I refreshed my hair colour today, got some Chuppa Chup scents for my car, got a battery for my led gear knob, got some brake fluid, got a labret piercing in the centre just under my bottom lip and bought myself a Tattoo magazine. So I have been kind to myself today. I might leave the nail polish application until tomorrow. And eventually I will start reading Fifty Shades Darker.

I am still undecided if I will watch another comedy on my laptop tonight.

Right, so that is all for tonight. I might go spend a little more time on Pinterest.

Ciao. Thankx for reading and following.