Tag Archive: paranoia


The reason for the title is because we have not been able to get the internet connected at home.  Turns out the phone line which would at least allow the internet provider to narrow down our particular apartment, has been cut at the box.  Annoying!  You see it is what is referred to as a multi dwelling building and that makes it harder to work out where to send the VDSL signal.  So yeah, no internet at home as yet, which makes blogging very difficult and believe me I have been hanging out to blog.

So, thing’s have improved since my last post.  I had a session with the relationship counsellor and my ex and we managed to come to an arrangement that works for both of us, regarding seeing my younger 2 children.  I get my nearly 3 year old son by himself on Wednesday’s and I get both of them on Saturday.  My son is generally ok with that, but my 6 year old often wants to stay with me and not go home at the end of Saturday, which is hard for both her and I.  But I respect the arrangement and in time I am sure her Dad will allow her to have at least 1 overnight stay a week.

I have met my new partner’s father a couple of times and he has talked to me briefly, so that is something.  To me that is big progress considering.

The new place is great.  It is opposite the beach, a big sports field and a decent playground. And it is nice and close to most places.  It is just a really lovely apartment and we are really enjoying it here.

We were having issues a few weeks back with some unstable types through Facebook.  I don’t know how many of the messages were coming from the same person with fake profiles and how many of them were different people connected with the same person. But these people were making up numerous stories and lies and even going as far as threatening my new partner, our friend and myself.  And due to some kind of setting within the Facebook app they knew the approximate area where we live.  So I have since gone through every possible setting on Facebook to make it impossible for random people to contact me or find me on there.  I also made sure any location tracking or GPS setting on Facebook has been disabled.  They went as far as turning up at our friend’s house and threatening his Mum and made up a lie about rape.  These people are truly messed up.  We suspect they are quite possibly junkies.  They certainly were not straight while messaging my new partner or myself.  Their messages barely made sense, they keep changing their stories and could not spell or put a proper sentence together.  My new partner and I made a point of blocking anyone potentially associated with them and thankfully we have heard nothing since.  Regarding them knowing the approximate area we live in, I simply lied and said that the location service often gets that particular suburb wrong and comes up with that result even when in a nearby suburb, which is my old suburb and that I in fact lived in my old suburb.  Which is not untrue to be fair, as my phone would locate me as being in my current suburb, when I in fact lived in my previous suburb.  They seemed to know approximately what street we live on, like scarily close, as in the 2 streets up the road.  I lied again and said it would have been picking up my location from when I go to the recycling centre and recycled clothing warehouse or that I was likely visiting my friend in that area.  I did not want to let on to them that they were anywhere near right regarding my location.

All of this put me extremely on edge and made me extremely anxious, panicked and fearful.  To the point I was jumping at random noises at night and freaking out when I was at home by myself and I certainly did not want to leave the house.  I was so freaked out and paranoid that I wished I could just pack up and move islands.  But I knew that would not be fair on my younger 2 children. So now that all that has stopped I am not as freaked out, but my anxiety is still higher then usual.

The internet is a powerful thing, but on the flip side, that is not always a good thing.

I was talking to my new partner the other night about my experiences after I had my youngest child and that made it very evident to me that all that is still somewhat raw and there are still definitely issues that need resolving.

I have been having issues with disturbing and/or bothersome dreams consistently over the last few weeks.  I find it quite emotionally and mentally draining.  I find myself avoiding going to bed or when in bed anxious about going to sleep.  I just wish for some reprieve from such dreams.

I have been going to the recycling centre shop quite a bit lately and have been getting some awesome stuff for the house for really cheap.

Thing’s are going really well with my new partner.  I love how affectionate he is, how we are so often on the same page, even thinking the exact same thing at the exact same time and how he notices if my mood is off.  I observe the same in him, which he is not used to.  I love that he appreciates things like that in me and that he truly sees the real me, flaws and all and all the good stuff too.  He is one in a million.

My mood has been quite sensitive lately and low at times.  Which definitely I feel was effected hugely by the Facebook crap.

Some of the Facebook crap I think was started by a young guy who had not taken it well that I am in a relationship.  Sadly he is quite a mentally unstable guy.  I believe schizophrenic and a compulsive liar.  Apparently he can not often distinguish the difference between the lies he has fabricated and reality.  He wholeheartedly believes these lies to be fact.

The problem with it being so long until I get to post is that I often have some quite significant things in my mind that I want to share, but by the time I do get to post, I have forgotten most of it.

One thing that is in my thoughts quite often is my possible career interest.  I would definitely like to be doing something helping others.  I definitely still have a very strong interest and passion for mental health and psychology.  My ideal job would be a support worker in Intermediate and/or College, as in supporting young people of those ages with things regarding their mental health.  But then is the consideration of study and how tight of a position that might put me in financially.  I know many subjects have mid year intakes.  Then there is adding to my student loan debt.  It is scary.  I think my caution regarding that is my own mental health.  I want to feel a certain amount of stability with my mental health consistently.  As I know I become overwhelmed easily, stressed easily, anxious and panicked.  I think that is what has been hindering my decision and commitment to study.  As I can not keep just trying to go on without working through such significant issues.

Gah!  Just writing all that made me feel anxious.

I think that is all I have to write about for now.  So thank you again for reading.

 

 

So I have been experiencing some of that lately. At first I thought, maybe I was being paranoid about some posts that seemed aimed at me, but without the person naming me. But then once I came to release this now ex-friend was actually judging me and insulting me and was clearly no longer a friend, I decided to delete and block her.

And then, I can only assume, after she realized she was blocked and deleted, that nasty text messages started. And I did not bite back or lower myself to her level. But simply replied politely and explained I deleted her as it was clear to me she was no longer interested in being my friend.

So in comes rolling, nasty, judgmental, slandering and even threatening texts. And that was upsetting and intimidating enough.

But then, a friend of mine informs me that this female has been saying even more extreme stuff, in the form of lies and vicious rumours on a Facebook group I am not in. This female even named me and what street I live in!

So after reading what had been written about me, it became evident that I was not being paranoid at all and the posts I thought were directed at me all were.

She even mentioned my dealings with CYFS(child, youth & family) in this group and that my oldest daughter is not in my care!

This is not a very nice feeling! I just want to get out of this suburb asap or be invisible for the next 2 weeks.

Clearly this stuff is getting to me, as, in my dream a few nights ago I dreamt I somehow managed to move my moving date forward by 2 weeks.

Because of this nastiness and the threat in her text, I no longer want to go anywhere in this suburb and I do not want to take my kids to childcare, as her son’s go there and I want to avoid her and her family. As I hate conflict, intimidation and confrontations. And I worry some person might assault me or something.

I have never been so viciously lied about and gossiped about and judged by a person and their family. It hurts.

My fiance said he could tell from the moment he met her, that she was like this. The type of person to become your friend, find out private things about you and then turn around and use it against you.

Man, I wish I wasn’t so trusting and always giving people a chance.

Man, I am experiencing so many different emotions lately, especially today.

Such as, grief, trauma, despair, anger, irritability, paranoia, stress, depression and anxiety.

I kind of feel like I want to numb my emotions right now. I was lying in bed before thinking, I wonder how many of my antidepressants it would take to get my mood into a good place. Maybe 4 or 5. Yeah, not healthy thinking. I just hate feeling so low and distraught.

I don’t know if my paranoia and sensitivity is coming from stress, grief or recent events.

I do know my stress is coming from recent events. Where I feel a few people are taking their stress out on me. And plus there is financial stress in there too.

I feel quite on edge and anxious. And I find myself getting easily irritated and angry. Again, I am unsure specifically where this comes from. Maybe stress and recent events of being judged and feeling picked on and bullied.

The grief and trauma is coming from the upcoming move and having to leave my oldest daughter behind until CYFS(child, youth & family) hopefully let her return to my care at the end of the school year. There is a HUGE amount of grief and trauma surrounding that. And especially surrounding her and how she was not allowed to return to my care after I came out of hospital last August. It effects me hugely this reality. And the trauma also comes from how my life got turned upside down after the onset of my extremely severe depression last August and CYFS becoming involved and how I nearly had my younger 2 taken off me and was not allowed to have my oldest living at home. CYFS well and truly came along and tore my family apart and for what?! Because I had an extremely low point last August. How does that make me an unfit mother? Mental Illness does not equal inadequate or incapable parent. The birth of my son was a trauma and then all this upheaval from CYFS created yet another trauma.

Yes, it was extremely traumatic for me having them come into my life and absolutely pulling it apart. Not just with regards to my family, but also it totally screwed us over financially. And then they have the cheek to question our ability to provide our children with enough food. Even though, there involvement has caused us to be in the worst financial hardship ever! They even went as far as to suggest I see my older daughter less, due to lacking in petrol, due to our low income. Yet, not once have they tried to help us remedy this mess that they have created. And I know for a fact they have funds and access to such help. And just to clarify, no matter how poor we have been, our children have never gone without. I am the one who chooses to go without to ensure they are all well fed.

And there are so many red lights signaling to me the huge effect all this has had on my 4 year old. She seems to be displaying a high level of anxiety, needs reassurance, is quite clingy and her behaviour has been effected greatly, as has her confidence and reluctance to interact socially. She used to sleep in her sister’s bed before we got bunks. Now, she either wants to sleep with the light on or wants to sleep in our bed. She has started showing what I would observe as anxiety and insecurity, by chewing on her clothes or sucking them and chewing on her necklace. She sometimes lashes out at kids at Kindy, due to being quite sensitive and/or angry. She tends to keep to herself a lot at Kindy. When her sister is here, she totally opens up and she is happy, chatty and is exactly how she used to be. It upsets me greatly how all of this has effected it.

Regarding my paranoia. I am feeling like some people are bullying or picking on me, with either private messages on Facebook or posts. And I don’t know if some of these posts are about me or directed at me or whether I am just being over-sensitive and paranoid. Though I suspect considering who is doing the posting and being they are all in the same family, it is quite possible I am not actually being paranoid.

Gosh, I was reading a post on PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and just reading the signs made me feel a sense of dis-ease.

I was reading a post on a Facebook group I am in last night and what the person posting described I could so totally relate to. And I wasn’t the only one. Like, we all appreciate that we are not alone in those feelings, while still wishing the others didn’t have to go through it too. It really touched me that post.

Sometimes when I am just lying on my bed, just having a quiet moment, my emotions just hit me like a train. Just, boom and they are all consuming. Such as tonight, I was lying in bed with my 4 year old, while I waited for her to fall asleep and I am hit with feelings of grief, trauma, despair and sadness over the upcoming move and leaving my oldest daughter and also, over how my 4 year old has been effected. And I was just in tears and absolutely consumed with sadness.

I know I am definitely depressed at the moment, as I don’t want to go anywhere, I have no motivation, I want to avoid people, I feel depressed and I’m feeling alone and isolated.

I was thinking tonight, I don’t know how much of my perception of my fiance and our relationship is down to the effect of my mental health and how much is based on fact. As sometimes I truly appreciate him and feel good about us and other times I feel anger and resentment. And I don’t know what to think or feel about all this. It is all very confusing.

I feel really tired, but then again, I did an hour ago when I went up to bed, yet boom, I lie down for a bit and I’m wide awake! So I really don’t trust my bodies ability to fall asleep without my sleep medication(Quetiapine) with this fact considered.

I’m not sure which year has been the worst for me so far. As last year definitely had some horrible times. But this year, life has thrown some pretty unpleasant stuff my way.

Especially in the money area. I worry about how we will afford groceries and/or petrol each week. I’m sensible when I do buy groceries and save money in whatever ways I can. But there’s unfortunately no way around the cost of babies formula, as it is one of the more expensive things. On special it’s just under $17 and usual price is between $21-$23 depending where you go.

Still, I am being left with too much expectations and not enough support. As things that either require my fiance’s input or things he should really be doing, are being left to me. And whenever I mention this, he doesn’t respond or help more. Like things such a looking into how many hours childcare we need for our baby, once my fiance goes back to work. How my fiance will get to work and back. And what position that leaves us in financially. As well as, how many hours my fiance needs to go back for.

With my moods being how they are, this makes things even harder for me. As my moods get very bipolar(I’m not bipolar, but that’s the best way to describe them). Like, Monday, I felt ok for half the day and the other half, I felt quite the opposite. It all gets too much. And I feel like I want to scream. And I feel like I want to call some kind of mental health support to talk things out and vent, but I have lost faith in CMH(community mental health), my case manager and the mental health crisis line. They do not get concerned about concerning thoughts I have and they don’t seem to do anything for me.

If I told my fiance how I feel about him sometimes, he would not like what I have to say. Which is, that a lot of the time I just want to leave him and the baby and just live with my daughters.

It’s no surprise that I am SO over his gaming. He places too much time and energy into it.

It’s no surprise I’m not happy with his family, especially his parents. I mentioned to his sister that I wasn’t very happy about the fact her parents hadn’t taken either of the kids for about 3 weeks and she said “oh, but Mum’s been really tired”. To which I replied “that might be the case, but she could have at least text us and let us know if they couldn’t take the kids”. And reminded her, that the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review is in just over a month.

I feel like yelling at them and saying “how are you going to explain your lack of support at the FGC?! As CYFS don’t excuse petty excuses. And if it was said that you would support us by helping with the kids, that means exactly that. And CYFS will want to know why, after us moving here for better support, why it’s dropped off so quickly” and also “do you forget how much I am struggling with my mental health and how vital this support is? Or are you simply too selfish to care?!”

Seriously, my family are an awesome example of unconditional love and support and selflessness. I am proud to have them as my family and that is why I am really looking forward to moving back to Nelson. As I miss them SO much.

I don’t know why my fiance is being the way he is lately. And whenever I talk to him about it, he just tries to distract from the subject.

I felt something really unpleasant the other day. When I was filling out a form, I had to write about my daughters(the nearly 4 year old) siblings and I felt weird writing that she has a brother. Like, an unpleasant feeling, acknowledging him. This I know is not a normal way to feel. But I recognized the feeling at least, even if it wasn’t pleasant. This highlights to me, even more, the need for therapy. As clearly if I am feeling things like that, there are some major issues that need addressing.

I’m trying not to think too much about the FGC review next month. As I have enough stressing me and I probably shouldn’t be using my time to worry and stress about that. As I don’t want to get worked up and distressed like I did when the original FGC was coming up.

I’ve been feeling quite jumpy again lately. Paranoid about sounds, thinking it’s an earthquake. Becoming very easily startled. And I keep feeling like the ground is moving under me. Not liking this. And my crazy cat, decided to suddenly bolt at full speed through the house last night and the sound of her doing that, made me jump, my heart go nuts and made me think the sound was a big earthquake coming. Damn hyper vigilance and catastrophizing!

Right, better go find something to do. Thanks for reading.

So, there was an earthquake on Monday I think it was. It was a 6.2 and centred somewhere up north. It was quite a shake. And me, like usual, froze and didn’t react by moving to somewhere safe, like you are supposed to. I feel like when these things happen, a certain amount of disconnect. Like it’s just a really bad dream and like it’s not really happening. I think, oh it will stop soon. And even when it doesn’t, I continue to not move until my fiancé tells me to. I’m just like, nah, it’ll stop soon, I don’t need to go anywhere. So of course, my vertigo has been a problem since then. Which is always the case for a few weeks after a big shake.

I have been feeling quite easily startled and on edge. And very jumpy. Little noises makes me jump in fright. Which is since the earthquake.

My daughter(the nearly 4 yr old) was stressing me out again tonight. She’s been doing that a lot lately. It’s partly her age and partly attention seeking, knowing I am more stressed. And I nearly had to lock myself outside again. I didn’t feel any desire to hurt her. I just wanted away from the immediate stress.

I keep going over in my mind, how I can self-harm and different methods. I know this is not a good sign.

I still feel somewhat unsupported by my fiancé and yet again disappointed with his family. As they as I thought, have no intention of helping us out with the kids this week. And when my fiancé asked his Mum about them looking after our daughter, his Mum made some excuse about getting used to being back at work again. Which is just that, an excuse. As she only works 3 days a week. They are just being selfish again and putting themselves first. No surprised there! His Mum asked about if my mental health was any better and I told her that it’s not and is in fact worse. Her response “oh, well maybe this will always be how you feel and you just have to get used to it”. Argh! Hate it when people give me that attitude!

My fiancé yet again disrespected me and in front of his mother and her friend, by suggesting he has been the full time parent all this time. And I was like, “excuse me?! That is not true!”.

My cats are still being naughty. One of them pee’d and poo’d in our bedroom today. And I am so over it.

Today I have been feeling distressed again and like I don’t want to be a mother to our baby. And I hate this feeling. And I hate how easily I go from having positive and good feelings towards him, to rejecting him. When will this end?!

I felt like running away again.

I am finding it really upsetting and distressing not having my older daughter living with us and I am finding it really hard that she has been away from me since just after Xmas and I haven’t seen her for weeks. I get distressed, anxious and panicked about this every night before I fall asleep.

My computer has been driving me nuts. As I brought a really awesome graphics card for my fiancés old computer, which is better then my own computer. So I am planning to swap to that. But my hard drive won’t start up in his computer and I have been trying for about 3 days now to resolve this issue. Which I now believe I have worked out. I think it’s an error with my copy of XP. So tomorrow I will format my hard drive and reinstall windows and hopefully this fixes the problem.

You see, I don’t like to pay someone to fix my computer issues. I like to try my hardest to fix things myself. Even if that means seeking advice from IT professionals and googling the issue. As that doesn’t cost a thing 🙂

I am trying to lose weight at the moment. As I am simply over my smaller clothes being stored and not being able to wear them. And I am over being disgusted at my body and shamed. I have been using having a baby and my mental health as excuses not to put in the effort. And when I have lost any weight in the past, I have self-sabotaged it, by eating more and then gaining what I’ve lost. My weight loss is the one thing I can control at least.

I’ve been finding myself quite obsessive about things lately. Fixated by imperfections. Stupid things like, windows that don’t shut properly, my imperfections, household cleanliness, things being in what I consider ‘the right place’, any issues with this house that need fixing and I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of other things. I have been fixated on having dishes done and away in their proper places and hate mess and anything dirty. So when my toddler decides to make a mess in her room, just playing, as toddlers do. It drives me nuts and I can’t handle it and get really annoyed and ‘must’ tidy it. And I’m quite obsessive and particular about where things go. My fiancé thinks that’s quite funny, but of course I don’t.

My fiancé thinks I should try and laugh more. He just doesn’t get that when my mental health is bad, nothing is funny and I have zero sense of humour.

Tonight I felt like going on facebook and posting on my profile how I was feeling at the time. Something along the lines of “nobody in Wellington genuinely cares that I’m not ok, except 1 friend and people I only know through the PND facebook group”. But I couldn’t be bothered getting the tablet or my mobile to log on to facebook and vent. Probably not such a bad thing…

I still feel like there’s something I am forgetting to post about. But yeah, my memory is still failing me and I still can’t remember what it was.

I know as much as, I am sad about not having a father. He died when I was 2 1/2 in a motorbike accident.

I am getting so damn annoyed with people suggesting I go back to work. Why do people not seem to get that I’m not ok and I need therapy first. Or at least some start on therapy and resolving issues.

I am quite stressed about how finances. As being I have told IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) that my oldest daughter no longer lives with us. They have dropped our money by $90 per week. I don’t know how, even if my fiancé goes back to work and we get some subsidy on full time day care for the 2 younger kids, we will afford that.

I am keep stressing about money and need to make a budget. So nothing gets missed out bills wise. I will have to go to WINZ next week and ask for a food grant, as due to my using all the money in our account to try bolt to Nelson the other day, we are down nearly $200.

I have to go to the GP next week and see if they can getting me on the waiting list for getting my tubal ligation(tubes tied) over at Hutt hospital. As I can’t afford to go to Kapiti to the mobile theatre like planned. And also, I can’t handle the stress.

I’ve also been quite paranoid. Like I won’t leave the pegs hanging on the clothesline cause I think someone will steal them and I won’t hang my Ed Hardy clothes on the clothesline, as I am paranoid they’ll get stolen. I know all this is irrational and really no one is going to steal these things. But I can’t seem to convince myself of this fact.

So much going on for me lately. It’s not surprising I want to run away at times.

Hmm, it’s like 1:12am. I think maybe I should go to bed aye.

Argh!!!

I know I really should be trying to sleep. But I’m having an issue with very lucid dreams. Which makes me partly not want to sleep. But I know sleep is vital, so I shouldn’t avoid it.

I’m finding it really horrible and scary, how my dreams feel real and like they are actually reality, when in fact they are not. Apparently this can be an side effect with sleep medication. But unfortunately now is not the time to try wean off it. As with all the stress of moving house in just under 3 days, I need my sleep.

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed when I came upstairs to go to bed about an hour ago. I was a mess emotionally. Panicked, anxious as hell, distressed, nauseous and my heart was going mental. I was also experiencing vertigo, hyper vigilance and hyper arousal/alertness and it felt like the bed was moving and the sounds of the house, due to the wind making it creek, made me on edge and convinced there was going to be a big earthquake. That would be what they term ‘catastraphizing’. Where you feel a sense of imminent danger and/or impending doom. I hate my minds ability to go to that place.

Pretty much, I’ve been holding a lot in emotionally and trying to keep it together and remain strong and just get through this period of the upcoming move. But I am finding the closer the move of house date gets, the more anxious, overwhelmed, stressed and panicked I get.

It did not help that last night my fiancé was not coping well with the fact that our baby woke when he shouldn’t have. My fiancé was frustrated and swearing and expressing this frustration and annoyance and the baby clearly picked up on that and was crying very urgently and in a distressed manner. Which I couldn’t cope with, so I went and cuddled him until my fiancé had got him a bottle. It was really distressing seeing my fiancé like that and it’s effect on my baby.

Unfortunately, as seems to be the case with my mental health and interactions and bond with my baby, the more I am exposed to any upset of my baby, the more I seem to get distressed and go from having a bond and warm feeling, to feeling distressed and stressed and wanting to get as far away from him as possible.

With all this stress, I have been feeling so desperate and wanting to runaway and leave my fiancé and baby behind and my home and sometimes even wanting to run and leave my whole family. I am finding these feelings incredibly distressing.

Part of me keeping stuff in, is partly as a result of the Cyfs(child youth & family) family group conference last month. Knowing information was shared about me, which I considered confidential. Such as things said by me to my psychiatrist and community mental health team.

It has caused me to feel I can’t truly express and talk about things anymore. As I am paranoid now about it being used against me potentially in the future.

Because the Cyfs social worker expressed that I was guaranteed to relapse again with my mental health, I’ve tried to keep it together and hold everything in to try and prove her wrong. As my pride gets in the way and I don’t want there to be any possibility of her being right. But I am feeling myself go downhill.

Ok, so not surprising I guess, as a result of the stress of moving and all that has happened since August. But I just hate my mental health declining, especially because it had been improving.

I just need to try and take things slow.

I am just feeling a bit concerned because of how the closer the moving date gets, the worse I get mentally.

I at least did one good thing for myself though. I called the mental health crisis line and talked to them about how I have been feeling.

My dermatillomania(as referred to and explained in a previous post) got pretty bad earlier too, when I came upstairs. I was picking more rapidly and pulling out loose bits of hair and peeling dry skin on my nose and feeling agitated, anxious and stressed and was rocking back and forth while doing so.

Ok, better go to bed, it’s nearly 1am!

So, apparently the medical term for having what used to be referred to as a mental or nervous breakdown, is now referred to as a Major Depressive Episode. And severe depression is described as Major Depressive Disorder. Both of which I have been experiencing lately. As well as anxiety and panic attacks.

At some point around the start of last week I became stressed and then that began to effect my sleep. I believe it was Monday that this started happening. I had also run out of 2 of my medications that help with sleep and panic and anxiety. Lorazepam(1/2 a tablet twice a day) for the panic and anxiety and Zopiclone(1 tablet) for sleep. Oh and now I am on 2 antidepressants. 1 Mirtazapine and 2 Venlafaxine(Effexor).

So what started happening when I became stressed is, whenever I would go to bed and try to sleep, my mind would just go into overdrive and wouldn’t shut up. Mainly songs repeating in my head or thoughts. Then came panic attacks and anxiety. After a day or so, this sleep issue and the panic and anxiety started effecting my ability to keep food down and as it worsened, I became unable to keep anything down for long, even my medications and my appetite just disappeared. Things that I would experience at night when I would go to bed and try to sleep were, feeling like I was absolutely boiling, though the room temperature was cold and my heart going so fast, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Any sleep I would get, wouldn’t last long and it was very disrupted sleep. Even sleeping in another room with ear plugs in and a eye mask and darkness didn’t help. It seems my body has forgotten how to sleep. And sleep deprivation and/or poor quality sleep has a very negative effect on my mental health. I had been trying to no avail to get help from the mental health team, only to be declined over and over. After a phone call from my case manager and my request for help and appropriate medication was again declined, I just lost it. I felt enraged and wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it to piece’s. But I didn’t, as I figured I might need the phone. I then just totally broke down. I fell on hands and knee’s and just sobbed/howled/wailed uncontrollably and very loudly. I was no longer able to cope and was making little sense when I rung my fiancé and asked him to come home. I tried through this unwellness to do what I needed to for my family and children. I was so sleep and food deprived by Thursday, that I was losing it, even with home help here. Doing stuff like rocking, jiggling my legs, hitting my forehead with my palm, tugging at my hair and wanting to knock myself out on the kitchen sink. I had to go down to the chemist to get my medication and my youngest daughter wanted to come with me. Driving, I felt like I was dreaming and like I could easily crash, due to impaired judgement and impaired alertness. When I got out of the car with her, I felt hyper vigilant and vulnerable and unable to protect myself or her and like I was not aware enough of my surroundings and felt paranoid. I really shouldn’t have been driving in that state. That day I avoided doing much for the baby, unless absolutely necessary. I just wanted someone else to care for him, as I was unfit to, in my state. There was a point that day, where, though I had company and baby was happy and content. I wanted to harm him. For no reason, I just felt this violence. I had already called some relatives of my fiance’s to come look after the children so I could sleep. Eventually my fiance’s sister came over and I went and had a sleep. But despite any sleep I got, it just wasn’t quality sleep and was very disrupted. Things that would happen during this time of sleep deprivation were, shaking, uncontrollable jiggling of 1 leg, becoming distraught, feeling enraged and feeling constantly panicked and anxious.

By Friday morning, I had reached whatever limit there was to my coping. I wanted to harm my children, but especially the baby and I wanted to harm myself. So I sat there, once my fiancé had gone to work, considering what actions to take. Such as, drop my daughter at Kindy and then maybe just leave baby there in his capsule and run off. Drop my daughter to Kindy and the baby and car off to my fiancé’s work and run off. But baby was asleep when I got to Kindy, so I dropped my daughter off and then went home. Knowing that I felt so violent and like harming myself and baby, I knew I had to try and keep my kids safe from me. So I called 111 and told them how I was feeling. Police came over and they called my fiancé to tell him he needed to come home. They called the CATT team, who are a mental health crisis team, expecting they would request me to be assessed and taken to hospital. But unfortunately, because I am under the community mental health team, this did not happen and I was taken into my case managers office. I was so desperate to self harm, I tried using a paper clip, but that wasn’t sharp, so didn’t do a thing. I was considering using a drawing pin, but didn’t get the opportunity. And when I was left in another room, I was considering using the phone cord to try bring an end to my suffering. But the curtains were open, so I wouldn’t have succeeded at that. I was assessed and asked lots of questions and asked to make decisions. None of which I was able to do, as I was barely functioning on little sleep and no food. They wanted to send me home, but my fiancé said no, that was not wise. I mean, really, seriously, why the hell would you try and send someone home who wants to harm their kids, especially the baby and kill themselves?! I told them I felt the best place for me was hospital and they simply said no. They eventually decided on sending me to a respite house, despite others feeling hospital was wiser. So I was at respite from Friday afternoon til Tuesday afternoon. Where honestly, I still felt vulnerable and unsafe. Though I did manage to get sleep and start eating again. But I didn’t feel ready to go home so soon. The one good thing about the support workers there is that they have all experienced mental illness and distress. So they are very understanding, non-judgemental and easy to talk to.

Unfortunately, because I am so unwell and I still feel unsafe to care for the baby, my fiancé has had to give up working.

It’s been a week since I got to my worst and I still feel very unwell mentally and do not feel at all safe to look after the baby. I need to get some therapy and work out what is going on, to make me feel this way. As my rational mind knows it’s not right. It has been suggested by some, that maybe I am suffering some PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and may also have a personality disorder. So I am awaiting an assessment by someone more qualified then the Psychiatrist at community mental health.

I have expressed my dissatisfaction and lack of faith in this mental health team and my case manager and his colleagues. But haven’t seen him since he dropped me home on Tuesday and not heard from anyone there.

I do not feel totally safe at home. I worry about my desire to self harm and my rejection and dark feelings towards my baby. I feel distressed when he wakes or cries and not in a good way.

So that’s where things are at.

It’s fair to say, being in a relationship with someone who has issues with their mental health, can not be easy.  Especially when the other person in the relationship suffers no mental illness at all.

 

I can’t say I understand what it must be like.  As I’ve had mental health issues for as long as I have had relationships.  So I wouldn’t know what it’s like to be the stable one and how it must be for my fiancé.

 

I have been in relationships with others who have mental health issues and I know that’s never a good thing.  Especially if the other person is even more unstable then yourself.  That makes for a very intense relationship and not a fun one.

 

I feel for my fiancé, having to deal with me.  I know I’m not easy to love when I am severely depressed and as I have been for quite some time.  Especially since the birth of our son.  And yeah, I get paranoid he only stays because we have 2 kids together and I get insecure and start wondering if he even loves me.

 

I brought all this up today with my fiancé, as I was feeling like he was becoming very distant from me and wondering, does he even love me still, is he just here because of the kids and is he just staying to stop me from going off the rails completely.  But no, I am wrong about all that, he has assured me.  But yes, he admits it’s hard to love someone in my state.  And he doesn’t talk to me about things, as he worries it’ll only make things worse, as it seems like no matter what, my reaction is always an emotional one and he worries he’ll make me feel more depressed.  He feels like he can’t say or do anything to make things any better, as from experience, since I have been so unwell, I react often by being angry or upset.

 

I got to feeling like this, due to yesterday, when he was really tired and kept getting angry at me for things that weren’t even my fault.  And I explained to him, that made me feel like a failure and made me feel rejected and all those other negative emotions and got me all paranoid.  So yeah, I needed to have a serious talk with him, to get the reassurance about how he really feels about us.

 

It shows he’s a pretty great guy, the fact he is still here after all that we have been through with this period of severe depression.

 

I will never truly understand though, how it feels for him.  I can only try and understand.