Category: Pregnancy


The waiting is over

So I ended up being induced 7 days early, due to my declining mental health.

So I had baby Dylan on 1st August, 1:28pm, weighing 7 lbs 12 1/2 oz, at Wellington Hospital.

Oh my, induced labour, it was not pleasant. I actually found it quite traumatic. I had waters artificially ruptured and those contractions were bearable. But once they started me on the drip, the contractions steadily picked up the pace and intensity. I asked for an epidural once I knew I could not cope any longer on the gas and at this point contractions were 6 in 10 minutes and I was not getting much of a break between them. As I was using the gas, but as the contraction would peck, I could no longer handle the gas and was getting very distraught. But my midwife said to keep trying with the gas, which I was not happy about, as I knew I wasn’t coping. She turned off the drip and still contractions were coming just as often and strong. I was physically shaking, crying, panicky and just overcome with pain. Eventually she agreed to an epidural. So while the anesthetist was doing his big talk about the side effects, I was having unbearable contractions, wishing he could just hurry up his speech, which, yes, I know is protocol, but it’s just more time in pain to the women. Eventually it came time to get everything in place for the epidural and I was feeling relieved, knowing soon the pain would be over. But damn, the contractions were so bad. And then, suddenly just as he was about to put the epidural in, I suddenly needed to push and this was not ideal, as I was sitting on the side of the bed. Midwife said can I wait a few minutes and I was like “no, I need to push now!” So at speed my fiance and the midwife had to get me in a better position. Apparently I grabbed my fiance and pulled him towards me. I remember screaming in pain as I pushed the baby out. All this time, I thought I’d been given the epidural and was awaiting the pain relief kicking in and was wondering why it wasn’t. I had a 2nd degree tear and a PPH(postpartum hemorrhage) and lost 1 litre of blood. All these doctors and so on where all around me and I was effectively using the gas at this point, to cope with the discomfort of all they were doing. Every bit of pain I endured after having baby, felt like torture. So due to all this I had to stay in hospital overnight. My body was so over everything and the blood lost, that the hospital midwife the next day hardly even got a teaspoon of blood, to test my iron. Apparently this is a normal reaction when you’ve had quite a bleed. The body refuses to give up anymore blood and here I was, telling her I was good for taking blood. Obviously I didn’t know how losing that much blood effects the body.

So yeah, that was the labour and birth. Which I had to try not to think about, as every time I did, I’d get panicked and cry uncontrollably.

My mental health has been really bad since I had the baby. Due to the sleep deprivation and all I went through, the joy and excitement I expected to feel wasn’t there. Just a sense of fear and despair. I have spent much of the last few days distraught at times in tears and being so upset I nearly vomit. How I feel at these times, is that I don’t want my life anymore and yes, at sometimes a bit suicidal. Often I just wish I could runaway from it all. But I would miss my family and it’s not fair on anyone. Often I feel like, I want things back the way the used to be, with just 2 kids. And then I feel like shit for thinking like this. I fear how I will cope once my fiance is back at work.

I am having such a issue with sleep. As being so sleep deprived the first few days, seems to have screwed with my body. So I will try with no success for upto 5 hours to get to sleep and just can’t. And I will try and sleep when baby is asleep and just can’t. So I get very little sleep once I get to sleep. Like 90 minutes the first time last night and then maybe 2 hours from when baby went to sleep a 2nd time. And it took me 2 or 3 hours to get him back to sleep. Which takes it’s toll and I end up distraught. So I have maybe had 6 hours sleep in 3 days I think.

I find the lady from Community Mental Health really annoying. She rung to see how things are and I was in tears and explaining everything and she has no compassion. Just keeps telling I shouldn’t hold on to the thoughts and pretty much I should not let myself go to those places in my mind. She just rubs me up the wrong way. I need support and tenderness and compassion. I do not need to be made to feel my feelings aren’t valid or like I’m to blame for my depression. Which honestly, I rate as severe. I have no felt this low ever.

A lot of the time I just want to hide from the world and isolate myself permanently. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere and I just want to be left alone. Even going to the supermarket made me feel panicked and I was walking around the supermarket, holding back the tears.

I’ve added a picture now of my latest addition.

So that’s my story regarding the last week.

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The Waiting Game

So I have 13 days left til my due date. But as this week goes on, the more I become very over being pregnant and I am often feeling very emotional. On a daily basis I am breaking down in the solitude of my room about it.

But today I am just finding it all too much. I am just so uncomfortable. My body is just so over this pregnancy and I can’t get comfortable no matter what I do today.

I honestly am wanting so desperately to go into labour today. Though I’m not going to do any of those labour inducing things. As I don’t want things to start prematurely. I want things to start naturally. The only thing I have done, which I heard can help, is walk down the stairs sideways.

I wrote about my feelings on a facebook due date group that I am in(that’s a group for women due the same month) and just couldn’t stop crying while writing the post and when people responded with compassion, that of course set me off and I cried even more.

I have pretty much been crying for the last 45 minutes.

I can tolerate so much generally and I think I have done quite well to stay strong and together for this long. But yeah, I have reached my limit now.

I am not liking that everything is irritating me lately due to feeling like this. I am not liking feeling irritated by my innocent toddler and supportive fiance. Though I am doing a good job of not taking my emotions out on them. As I don’t think it’s fair on them.

The Community Mental Health worker keeps telling me how she thinks I’m such a strong, capable and stable women. Well, I don’t feel like that much lately. And she never observes me when I’m not coping.

I am coping, at times, because that is my only choice. But it is bloody hard at times.

They want to discharge me from the Community Mental Health support. Which I’m not sure how I feel about. As I won’t have them to call upon if needed.

Anyway, that’s all from me. I need to try get through the next 3 hours til my fiance finishes work.

Well, I’ve been meaning to write a blog post for probably a few days now. But I simply have not had the energy to actually find a few minutes to write a post. Couldn’t even find the motivation to post via my mobile, which actually makes it easier with predictable text.

Right, so I will start with pregnancy related things. Had midwife appointment yesterday. All is good with baby. Baby is 4/5th engaged. ROA. My BP(blood pressure) is 130/88. Babies HR(heart rate) is 136bpm(beats per minute). And baby is normal size for gestation. To explain some of that for people who aren’t aware of what some of that means. ROA is babies position. So what ROA means is, baby is head down with his back facing the right side of my tummy. It’s a good position to be in. There are several positions a baby can be in, OA is the best position, which is babies back facing your belly button for example. OP or anything with OP at the end is not so great. So, the R or L stands for right or left. O stands for Occiput. P is for Posterior, which is babies back facing your back. And then you have Transverse, which is baby laying across way, so babies bottom faces your left side and head faces you right side for example. And then you have breech, which is baby facing bottom down and head up. Regarding engaged, 4/5th is nearly fully engaged. So 5/5th is fully engaged. It’s the amount the babies head is descended into the pelvis. 1st babies generally engage a few weeks before they are due, but not all babies. 2nd and subsequent babies can wait til you are in actual labour to engage. For example, my 2nd didn’t engage at all til I was in established labour. And my 1st, she never fully engaged, only got to 3/5th engaged and that was due to her being posterior, making it harder for her to drop into pelvis, like she should have. So I was surprised that this baby boy has decided to become engaged and that much engaged. Though it explains why walking is really uncomfortable!

A bit of history for anyone interested, on my previous 2. Sophie, my 1st, I had when I was 24 and I was a solo parent to her. She was 3/5th engaged from 36 weeks. She was 11 days late, I was fully induced, as in, gel, waters artificially ruptured and I was give oxytocin via drip. I ended up having an epidural, as induced labour is really painful compared to natural labour and she was posterior, making for a painful labour. I tried pushing for who knows how long, but she was only moving down and then back up. So I ended up having a forceps delivery. Established labour was 26 hours. I was a very angry person during labour, swearing at everyone and when I got to what is called Transition, which is generally the point where women go, nope, not doing this anymore, I got the shakes, sweats and was throwing up a lot. So yeah, wasn’t in a hurry to do that again. Annabelle, my 2nd, I had when I was 30, and she was only 2 days late. I had the ‘show’ 9 days before I had her. The ‘show’ is the mucous plug that keeps entrance of the cervix blocked during pregnancy. My waters broke 6:30am in the morning and I started having contractions around 10am and by 2pm they were 10 minutes apart. I saw midwife at 1pm and she was sure I wouldn’t be having baby til the next day. Well, I left that consult at 2:30pm and by 3:30pm contractions were 5 minutes apart. So headed to hospital at 4pm and had baby at 5:42pm, in the birthing pool, with no pain relief. Established labour was 1 hour 42 minutes with my 2nd.

With this pregnancy I have had my fair share of complications. With my 1st, I had a very cruisy pregnancy, but a difficult labour. With my 2nd, pregnancy consisted of being tired all the time and being a little bit ill in the first 3 months. But labour was pretty good. With this one, I had HG(Hyperemisis Gravidum), which is severe nausea and vomiting til about 17 weeks and I have cervical prolapse, which is where the cervix is not being held up where it should be by the muscles, so it will sit down lower in the cervix and sometimes even come out a bit, down below. And I have also had a few bleeds as well. I think I’ve visited the hospital about 5 times due to all this. Also, I have been feeling increasingly like I could go into to labour at any time, on a daily basis for the last 2 weeks. And I keep getting paranoid about my waters breaking in public. And then there’s my mental health, that’s had lots of ups and downs.

Anyway, I am 37 weeks tomorrow. So it’s safe for baby to come any time after that. And I’m happy if he comes earlier, rather then in another 3 weeks time.

We had been having major issues with the new car we brought. Which is an auto, meaning my fiance can drive it. Previous car was a manual and with my big bump and short legs, it was getting very difficult to drive. So we brought a new car and about an hour after getting it home, it wouldn’t start! Thinking it was the battery, we got car dealer to put a new one in. But, no, later that day, again the car wouldn’t start. So they gave us our old car to drive, while the new car got looked at. But I wasn’t happy with driving the old car, as it was no longer insured. So they ended up giving us a loan car. But, after driving it around for 1/2 a day, I discovered registration was due to expire in a few days and then discovered the car had no Warrant of Fitness. I told them I was not happy and could they sort this. So they again gave the old car back, which still, was not insured and took the loan car. So I ended up insuring the old car and was left paying 2 insurance premiums due to this. And of course, I kept stressing that I’d go into labour while we still had the old car and my fiance wouldn’t be able to get us to hospital. I was getting increasingly frustrated with the car dealer. As 2 weeks after buying this car, we still didn’t have it and it wasn’t fixed. In fact, it spent a whole week sitting in their car yard, when it was supposed to be getting diagnosed and fixed! I was so distracted by this stress, at a roundabout, where I am always obeying the road rules and paying attention, I failed to look to my right and almost hit a motorcycle. Which is for 1. just not good in general and 2. My Dad died at an intersection, on his motorbike, though he was hit by a truck. So I had a bit of a panic attack and bawled my eyes out for the next 20 minutes. Anyway, I called car dealer and told them how much stress they were causing us and how their treatment of us and the whole situation was not on and that we really wished we had never brought from them. Got no response to that voice mail, so I rung later and talked to the person who sold us the car and eventually, success and it was actually taken to a proper mechanic and was fixed 2 days later and yay, we now have a fully functioning car. It was a thing called the Cam Follower. Which is responsible for creating the spark, from the spark plugs. So, therefore, no spark being created, meant no starting of car.

So there have been points during the last month where I have been really stressed and just so over everything. But I am good to myself and I cry when I need to. Even if that means I’m crying a lot. Better then keeping it in.

Out of sheer boredom I have been doing the housework. Which for me, is big, as I hate housework. So yeah, getting pretty bored aye.

Finally my fiance and I have at least agreed on 2 name options for baby. I’ll let you know what his name is once he arrives. As, sometimes you like one name and then see baby and they just don’t suit it. So no point locking in a name just yet.

My baby bump is pretty big. I was measuring 119cms around a week ago. I will upload a picture from last week to this post.

I have a lady who comes to see me from Community Mental Health, as I need her, since I am unable to go into their office. I found it interesting that she thinks I have been coping pretty well. Like I said to her, “well you haven’t seen me when I am not coping to be fair”. But it was nice to hear that anyway.

I have seen my friend who lives about 10 minutes away, a few times in the last few weeks, which is great. As I had not seen her for ages previously.

Watched a couple of dvds on the weekend. ‘Oz – the Great and Powerful’ and ‘Side Effects’. I found ‘Side Effects’ really quite good.

I had something quite upset me the other day. My fiances family I must say, are not very supportive. Which I can guarantee I have mentioned in previous posts. Anyway, my fiances younger brother is expecting #2 with his girlfriend. And I see a Facebook post by my fiances mother, boosting about how they excited to announce that they are expecting another grandchild, from their son and his girlfriend. Anyway, why this is upsetting to me is, they never made any such mention regarding this pregnancy and possibly not even my pregnancy with #2(my 1st with my fiance) So I felt really angry and upset about this and was bawling my eyes out telling my fiance how upset I was about this. It bothers me, as I feel they are more then happy to offer support and buy stuff for his brother(my fiance’s brother) and his girlfriend and their babies and both of them work full time and do not lack money wise. Whereas, when I was pregnant with #2 and neither myself or my fiance were working, no offers of support or help and same this time. Except this time my fiance is working, but we are only a very low income. And we could really do with some support, as we could benefit from some time alone as a couple. But yeah, we’re kind of use to the fact his parents play favourites with their kids and grandkids. So we don’t expect crap from them.

My parents are really good and do their best to support us, all the way from Australia. My Mum is even coming over in August to see us. And Sophie’s grandparents on her Dad’s side, they are really great. They even take her away in school holidays if they can and have her for some of the day or overnight every couple of weekends.

It’s just hard, when you tell people you are struggling and could do with more support and they just ignore you. Even though they, who have known their own suffering at times, due to mental illness. You would think, being they have been in that place too, they’d want to be supportive, now they have it all sorted. But no. I am rather used to feeling failed and rejected by them.

I guess, it would be nice to live in an ideal world, where you get the support you need, from the people who you feel should give it you. But that’s not reality.

Anyway, enough about that. Here’s my latest bump picture.

At 36 weeks.

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Coping…

It seems to go like this, coping…coping…few bumps in the road, not coping so well, coping somewhat, trying to stay strong and pushing through it, not coping.

So, at times I can cope through the bad weeks health and pregnancy wise and deal with tantrums and nagging from my kids. But every now and then, I just reach my limit and have more of an issue with coping with that which is my everyday life.

For me, that was yesterday. I was just over it by the afternoon. Between my 3 yr old screaming from the car, to my older daughters school and then all the way back to the car again and the glances of either parents or children, as my 3 yr old proceeded in having a very loud meltdown. And then at home the insistent nagging from my nearly 10 yr old for the majority of the next 2 hrs. I just couldn’t handle it anymore. That feeling crept in again, of just wanting to escape that which is my life, for a bit. To clarify, not in a suicidal way. Just in a, I’m desperate for a break way.

It wasn’t helped particularly by the fact my older daughter said she wished she had nicer parents. And me in my over it, not coping mind reacted by saying things like “fine, go find someone else to live with. Go tell someone who cares. Go tell CYFS and have them take you off me, since apparently I’m such a bad parent”. Though I know she doesn’t truly want any of that to happen. She said she just doesn’t like it when I’m so angry. And I explained to her, that if she didn’t ignore my responses and keep nagging/asking me for things I have said no to more times then I can count, then yes, eventually I will have had enough and yes, I will get angry. So if she wants to avoid this, she needs to listen and stop nagging, as the answer will not change.

I hate how I get in such aggro moods. I mean, shit, she was annoying me again that evening and I wanted to throw the remote at her. Glad I didn’t though and then I start feeling ultra crap for wanting to do that.

The only thing I can seem to do lately to have some ‘ME’ time is have a long bath and then it’s back to reality.

Today, I thought I was doing ok. Then came the struggles with my 3 yr old again. We get back to the car, she tells me she doesn’t want to get in the seat. Too bad, that’s non-negotiable and of course I put her in and have to fight against her to get the straps on and done up. So that was stressful enough. So we leave and she screams all the way to the supermarket. I decide to put her in the stroller, much to her dislike, as I needed to get a few things and being 32 wks pregnant, I’m not so into chasing her around the supermarket while trying to get what I needed. So, the whole way around the supermarket, she is screaming her head off and yelling “I want to get out” and typical insensitive people turn around and stare. I ignore this the best I can and just try and zone out and get through the supermarket. Then this 1 women, starts making snide comments and walks past me and still within ear shot, makes some comment and I just react and say “shut the fuck up bitch”, not that she heard me and no-one else heard me thankfully. But I’ll be honest, I kind of wished I could kick this women in the shins. It’s just, it bothered me even more, that this women was a Mum and that she was so insensitive and had such of lack of compassion, considering I am quite obviously very pregnant and not having the best time, with a screaming toddler. I get back to the car eventually and my 3 yr old tells me she’s not getting in the car. So of course, more of a struggle trying to strap her in, while she fully resists. I slam the car door out of frustration. Put the stroller in the boot and get into car and my older daughter flinches, which pushed my buttons and I was like “really?!” As I thought she was doing that because she thought I was going to hit her or something. I told her why I was angry about that and she said that she thought I was going to slam the door again. I said to her “well I didn’t. But isn’t it better I hurt the car then a person”. Anyway, I pull out of the car park and drive onto the street and this lovely person(sarcasm by the way) decides they just won’t give way to me at all. I beep the horn hard out at her and give her the middle finger and she looks at me like she’s done nothing wrong! Yeah, that doesn’t help my mood much obviously. By the time I’m down the road a bit I’ve just got to that point where I am very over everything. Just not coping, wanting to drive the car into something solid or just go find a knife and harm myself. Thankfully those moments pass before I actually act on them. So I end up going from that to sobbing.

This parenting and it’s challenges and being pregnant, as well as having mental health issues on and off, is very draining. I so wish I didn’t suffer from mental illness. It’s so hard to cope with life at times, when you have mental health to contend with.

Like I’m an optimistic and hopeful person generally. But mental illness has a way of wearing you down at times and things just feel so hopeless. I’m over this burden.

I know things will improve again at some point. But it’s very exhausting. With being pregnant, feeling isolated and pregnancy complications, as well as the challenges of parenting, it’s understandable I guess that I get like this. But damn, so over it for now.

I have these moments, like yesterday and today, where I really wish I could just have my baby already. Even if that means he’d be in hospital for a bit. Then I feel selfish for thinking that. I’m just over the complications and how much harder everything is to deal with, with the strain on my body, emotions and mental health.

Man, I find myself stressing out over the silliest things. Like the fact I only have 1 maternity bra that fits and no fruit to eat.

I’ve been feeling isolated again. It seems my friends just don’t have an interest in hanging out. They seem to be quite good at keeping themselves busy. All I can do is try find opportunities to make more friends, so I have more options. But forming friendships takes time. As you will know, I don’t like feeling isolated. And I hate it when I feel I can not do a thing to change this.

So the words of the day, or the last 2 days is quite clearly “over it”.

Sometimes when I write with such honestly, I do find myself wondering how other people perceive me and wonder if they judge me or accept me. Whether they ‘get it’ or think I’m a bad parent. But, I still choose to be real and transparent and honest, despite what reaction or judgement that might cause. As I know, many people put up a false facade about parenting and often won’t admit to the very real feelings that accompany the challenges of parenting. As, who wants to be judged? As this world quite clearly is a place of quite severe judgement at times. So it’s not surprising people want to hide the real feelings. But hopefully, with time, this world will become a more accepting and tolerant place.

Pregnancy #3

So I had my 20 week scan on Thursday. All is good with baby and this time we are having a Boy. Which is exciting and scary. As I have been buying girls stuff for nearly 10 years for 1 daughter and 3 years for my youngest. So the whole buying for a boy thing is a bit different. I find the stuff I do like for a boy is out of my price range. I am a bit fussy. So I might have to shop around and go for unisex stuff, until I can find boy stuff I like within my price range. Unisex stuff is still pretty cute though.

I got all emotional the other day when I went to a kids shop and was looking at boys clothes. As I am so lost. It’s so out of my normal element of clothes buying. And trying to find a name, well, I am finding that super hard.

There is no possibility it’s anything other then a boy. It was quite clear, the boy bits in the scan. Not used to seeing ‘that’ in my scans.

Pregnancy and having a newborn is a scary thought. Due to my previous experience with PND(postnatal depression) with my 2nd. And I know I have struggles still, somewhat on at least a fortnightly basis, with feeling overwhelmed and depressed. So it’s fair to say I likely have AND(antenatal depression) And it’s hard feeling like this.

It’s not helping my older daughter has taken to nagging me for most of the weekend and in the afternoons, once she’s finished school. I am finding that quite distressing.

Emotions are still a bit of a mix between excitement and fear.

I don’t bother to put scan pictures up in here, as I know strange people go on the internet and steal images of scans. And being this is a public blog, I am not going to risk that.

Here’s my latest bump picture. At 20 weeks. And it’s weird, it seems to look smaller then previous weeks.

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14th March 2013

No significance to that date. I’m just not big on ideas for a title LOL!

I’m doing ok. Though today feeling a bit low and no motivation.

It gets like that when I’ve not managed to socialize for a bit. But it’s fine, as I know I will get to hang out with at least 1 friend next week.

Next week I have the odd few things happening. Monday 18th, have a midwife appointment. Yay! Always enjoy them, as my midwife is awesome and I love getting to hearing babies heartbeat. Tuesday 19th is my birthday, I’ll be 34. Also have an appointment with the lady at Community Mental Health. Wednesday 20th, Marmite is back! And well, I and many others are damn happy about that! And 21st I have my 20 week scan and FINALLY will get to find out whether I am having a boy or girl! So impatiently waiting for that!

So, it seems Community Mental Health have decided to step up and not just try and fob me off and medicate me. As that was their initial plan. But being I’m pregnant and prone to getting quite sick with medication, they have decided against that. And instead are just going to work with me on helping to find strategies to cope with my lows. Which is good.

Feeling better about pregnancy. I’m now 19 weeks. And usually feel movements from baby a few times a day. Which definitely helps with things.

Knowing I am able to access some support from the mental health sector is making me feel more hopeful about coping once baby is here.

Community Mental Health did make a referral to CYFS(child, youth & family) as a result of me telling them a month or so back, that I felt overwhelmed and smacked my toddler on the leg a couple of times. Yes I did think a referral over that was a bit over the top. But I understand their reasons. Reasons being, I was not coping and they wanted me to get any help and support early, so it doesn’t escalate. Which is fair enough.

Like I have explained to them and CYFS when they visited. The getting to that point of not coping, was a result and lacking proper sleep, being sick regularly and not keeping food down. All this amounting to, low energy and lacking good nutrition and causing me to not cope, as I was on edge, due to being so unwell. I also told them, I did say sorry to my toddler and explain to her, that’s it’s not a nice thing Mummy did and Mummy shouldn’t have done that and I was very sorry I had hurt her and upset her. As soon as I had done it, I went from the angry feelings, to instantly balling my eyes out and feeling like utter crap. As I don’t want to be that person and I don’t like that I was not coping and I smacked her.

I am glad the law got put in place about smacking being illegal. As it discourages you from feeling the desire to do that and think before you act. Well it does for me. Knowing there is a law that says it’s not ok, makes me feel on occasion when I have smacked, that it is not ok and not something I should be doing.

These days, with all the hormones and emotions, I tend to go from anger to crying uncontrollably. Which is better then smacking either of my children I figure.

I remember the CYFS person asking me, do I feel isolated. To which I answered yes, though I try my best to get out there and not isolate myself, but also, I can’t control if my friends are unavailable.

It’s hard, as I try my best not to isolate myself and I practice self-care as much as possible, in hopes of avoiding depressive periods too often. But I can’t control other people and the fact they are not always available. So when this happens, it is hard and sometimes as a result, yeah, I do feel less motivated and do somewhat isolate myself. Like this week, I wanted to go a few places yesterday, but was sick of leaving the house without a friend or another adult with me. So I just stayed home nearly all day and only went out once to the supermarket and the warehouse.

These pregnancy emotions…they make me so emotional! I was reading someone’s post about their PND and was nearly crying. 1. Because I hate that they are feeling that way. 2. Because I so get how they feel and it sucks others have to feel like that too.

And writing about my emotions nearly brings me to tears too. As do nice gestures. Like someone offering me some free maternity clothes or to take me to the movies.

I guess I’m kind of not used to people doing kind things for me. I’m used to being the giver, not the receiver.

Oh man, now I’m nearly crying again.

I’m trying not feel bothered too much about everything expanding. I guess the fact I weigh only 1kg more then I did at the start of my pregnancy with my youngest, is something to be happy about. It’s just hard to look in the mirror and see the fat on my thighs and butt and my arms getting bigger. I can accept the bigger belly. It’s just hard dealing with the changes pregnancy cause. And knowing I have to lose all that weight again. But I know it can be done at least. As I did lose it all eventually the last time. Just took 18 months.

One cute thing with this baby, is it likes jelly. Which suits me, as so do I. Loves to wiggle around when I’m eating jelly.

Oh and here is a picture on my baby bump, from last week. It’s at 18 weeks.

18 weeks

Stress, parenting and so on

So, as you might have guessed, among other things, my post is about stress, parenting and so on.

Today I have been feeling really stressed. As have I a fair few times in these ultra long school holidays. I think these holidays are about 6 wks.

How other parents manage to cope, as in the one’s who do have their kids with them full time during the holidays and don’t get a break, I fail to understand.

As I don’t!

I do at points in the holidays. Like, at first I enjoy the lack of structure and routine and not having to worry about school drop off and pick up. But eventually, with the length of these holidays, I do start coming undone. I unfortunately always do. It’s a reoccurring theme with these particular holidays. Every year, without a doubt, I end up not coping.

There was at least 1 week so far, where I just was not coping the whole week. Though thankfully I managed better the next week.

This week, the coping has been on and off. Today being one of the off days.

My older daughter just nags and nags and questions me and my authority and that wears me down. And then my toddler, who is 3 next month, she has meltdowns when she doesn’t get her way or when she is getting over everything, due to needing a nap. That’s a sure sign of her needing a nap, the meltdowns and losing it over everything.

I also get stressed with regards to my oldest daughter playing outside on her bike and sometimes her scooter, due to the speed limit down my street, which is I guess cul-de-sac like and has speed bumps, being 5km and some of the arrogant people who live down here or visit, not sticking to that speed. As, kids play out there on their bikes and scooters and it’s a very family orientated street. Thus, the very low speed limit and speed bumps.

What makes it worse is, 2 of the people who live down here and go over that speed, they have kids! That angers and concerns me. It almost seems like, they don’t care about anyone else and think it’s ok to drive like that, cause their kids are safe in their car.

So, some days, while my 9 yr old is outside, I worry, worry, worry and sometimes won’t let her bike outside due to my fear and worry. And it doesn’t help when she ignores the rules and goes down the unsafer end of the street.

Some of my meltdown today started, because my toddler was clearly getting tired, was nagging me and I was trying to get ingredients mixed and sorted to bake a cake and in this stress, I did it the wrong way around, but thankfully realized this and saved it from disaster.

Anyway, after that was sorted. I proceeded to take her shoes off, for bed, she resisted and struggled, same with the hat. And then I had to carry her upstairs with her struggling all the way and wriggling out of my grip by the top of the stairs. She resisted the whole time. She was losing it and I was losing it. And I’ll admit I did smack her on the legs. All after screaming my lungs out about not coping and balling my eyes out as well.

She was crying, I was crying. It was a big mess.

Got her in to bed thankfully. But I think she complied because I’d scared and/or worried her with my behaviour.

I think all this meltdown and stress comes down to a few things.

I’m really lonely. No-one visits and no-one invites me to visit. And those who wouldn’t mind me visiting, live to far for me to be able to manage or afford to visit.

It’s pretty bad how distant some of my friends have become. As in, I have only seen 3 friends in about 2 1/2 months. And I do try and make contact and encourage some socializing, but it seems some of them just can’t be bothered. Which is not particularly healthy for them either.

I struggle with a lack of support. I understand on my older daughters grandparents side, they have work and a few grand kids to spread themselves around. Though they do try see her a few times a month. Still a total lack of support on my youngest daughters side of the family. And I really need some time out from them both. And that shouldn’t mean, having to leave them with my fiance. As he deserves to have time out too.

I am struggling with knowing we will have extra financial stress coming up soon. That, firstly in the way of rent increase, which is quite significant. $35 extra per week, which calculates to $70 more a fortnight and $140 more per month. And on one income, that is not great. But also, we can’t really afford to move. And of course at some point we will have to buy baby stuff.

Also been getting stressed due to having some odd bleeding, which thankfully is nothing to worry about and my cervix prolapsing. But before knowing all that was harmless, it caused me to worry and stress. As you worry about bleeding in pregnancy and fear the worst. But no, all is good with baby. Have had scans to confirm that.

I must admit, I am still hurting over the whole being kicked out of that Anxiety Group I was in. Still makes my head spin, all that was said and how very untrue it all was and inaccurate. I have never been so hurt by words in my life. As it’s one thing when people are saying nasty stuff at school, cause they have issues. As you can get over that as you mature, as you realize they have the issues, not you. But when adults are saying stuff about you and your character which they believe is true, but it just isn’t, that hurts a whole lot.

Yeah, I may be self-assured for the most part, but I am still vulnerable, emotional and I do care what some people think and I am able to get hurt.

I have found the community mental health team of no help. They keep asking how they can help me and what I expect from them and I don’t know what I can access and what they can help with. So I have trouble answering that, past, I would like to feel supported and access any practical help they can offer. They tell me, that’s not specific enough. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what services they offer or can offer. All I know is, I had an assessment and based on that day and not on my answers in the questionnaire, which honestly rated my depression as severe, they deemed me stable and said they could offer me 1 appointment to look at medication options.

Gah! How sick I am of people trying to just medicate mentally ill people and not treat the cause and not offer support! Stop taking the easy way out! That is NOT how you fix people or support them!

Anyway, that is all. Might go ice the cake.

Surprise!!!

Yes this certainly is a surprise!

To me, as well as others.

I’m pregnant.

Why is this a surprise. Well, because I was supposed to be getting my tubes tied last week. So this was not planned at all. But clearly this means I am now not getting my tubes tied.

I’ve not really had the energy to come blog since I found out. Which was a few weeks ago.

I’m currently 6wks + 4 days. And all is well with baby. As I had a scan last week and got to see what will resemble a baby more so in weeks to come. Looks more like a bean LOL! And it has a good heartbeat of 120bpm.

So I’m due next year, 8th August 2013.

This baby is making me rather ill though. I’ve had to get some pretty hard out anti-nausea medication to help. As I was being so sick, regularly and feeling pretty miserable. Ending up in tears several times a day. Simply due to being SO drained and feeling weak and really unwell.

With my 1st I only had nausea and no other crappy symptoms and with my 2nd I had nausea and vomiting, but not like this. It was bearable.

Yeah, as you can imagine I have had the good old swings of hormones and emotions. That’s always fun…

Today I have still been particularly unwell, even with taking the anti-nausea tablets.

Hopefully this won’t last all of the first 3 months. As I’d like to actually feel excited, instead of miserable.

The morning sickness and vomiting starting early, at 5 weeks.

I was in shock when I took the test and it was positive. As was my fiance. He tried to blame me, for him not using condoms. Hmm, ok…

He asked what I planned to do. To which I told him, that I’m not willing to screw up my life and mental health and risk losing the plot over something I will forever regret, so we’ll cope. The short story of that, is in reference to the fact that in my late 20’s, when I was single, I had an abortion and that messed up my mental health and has continued to plague me with guilt on and off for years and mental health problems. So yeah, I was not willing to go down that path ever again. The fact I ever went down the path is hard enough, as I was always anti-abortion and I am a Christian. Though, granted, not the best one.

I got suicidal back then. And when I was trying to conceive my youngest, I had to stop trying for a while, due to the guilt and shame and feeling like I didn’t deserve to have another baby, due to that choice back then. And I got pretty depressed back then too.

My reasons for having an abortion years ago were, my mental health, total lack of support, the fact I’d been drinking heavy and taking party pills and knowing my daughter(I only had 1 child back then), whom I was a solo Mum to, would lose out and not have a good time, due to me as her parent, losing the plot and not being able to cope with my situation.

Anyway, enough about that, it’s depressing.

My fiance is no longer in shock. Yay! And has accepted that we are having another baby. And seems to be happy about it.

Still feeling yuck today. So will try take it easy and do as little as possible.