Tag Archive: self sabotage


It’s been quite some time since I blogged last. I honestly can’t remember how long.

Like usual, I’ve been wanting to blog a lot more and had the desire to, but not the motivation. I’m not very good at just taking time out to do these things. I don’t know why, but I always feel like I need to be doing something and have a lot of trouble just taking time for myself.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned this before, but I discovered last year some time that I have sleep apnea. Which definitely does not help my energy levels or motivation. I do need to probably have a talk to a GP about it and see what helps with it.

I have decided in the last few days to switch to the Paleo way of eating. I have been wanting to try this way of eating before, but I didn’t really know enough about it. I watched the second season of The Paleo Way (I think that’s what it’s called) on Netflix recently. So now I have a lot more of an education on the subject. I also made a point of searching up Paleo meals online and bookmarking some good, affordable meal options. I also got a couple of books out from the library. One is called ‘The Paleo Diet – Food Your Body was Designed to Eat’ and ‘Modern Caveman – The Complete Paleo Lifestyle Handbook’. The first book is more on what you can and can’t eat and the second book is a more comprehensive book, that covers the subject a lot more thoroughly. This kind of eating definitely makes a lot of sense. I do feel it is important to really understand why it is beneficial. As I would imagine some people may be curious about it, so knowledge on the subject is definitely a plus.

My mental health has been through ups and downs since I blogged last. I have had really low points where I have honestly wanted to take my own life and have wanted to self harm. Thankfully I have not done either. I just get really overwhelmed with stress to a point I just can not function and I can not see a way out. Yeah, things do get better. It’s just hard remembering that when you are in distress. I think I have been feeling a lot more depressed and overwhelmed a lot of the time since I blogged last. At the moment I’m feeling ok though. Yesterday I found myself actually feeling hopeful, positive and motivated. Which for me is extremely rare.

I have caused some of the stress myself, by making bad decisions with money and get us into stress on and off with money and overdue debts. I am hoping I am over that self sabotaging behaviour.

So, there was an earthquake on Monday I think it was. It was a 6.2 and centred somewhere up north. It was quite a shake. And me, like usual, froze and didn’t react by moving to somewhere safe, like you are supposed to. I feel like when these things happen, a certain amount of disconnect. Like it’s just a really bad dream and like it’s not really happening. I think, oh it will stop soon. And even when it doesn’t, I continue to not move until my fiancé tells me to. I’m just like, nah, it’ll stop soon, I don’t need to go anywhere. So of course, my vertigo has been a problem since then. Which is always the case for a few weeks after a big shake.

I have been feeling quite easily startled and on edge. And very jumpy. Little noises makes me jump in fright. Which is since the earthquake.

My daughter(the nearly 4 yr old) was stressing me out again tonight. She’s been doing that a lot lately. It’s partly her age and partly attention seeking, knowing I am more stressed. And I nearly had to lock myself outside again. I didn’t feel any desire to hurt her. I just wanted away from the immediate stress.

I keep going over in my mind, how I can self-harm and different methods. I know this is not a good sign.

I still feel somewhat unsupported by my fiancé and yet again disappointed with his family. As they as I thought, have no intention of helping us out with the kids this week. And when my fiancé asked his Mum about them looking after our daughter, his Mum made some excuse about getting used to being back at work again. Which is just that, an excuse. As she only works 3 days a week. They are just being selfish again and putting themselves first. No surprised there! His Mum asked about if my mental health was any better and I told her that it’s not and is in fact worse. Her response “oh, well maybe this will always be how you feel and you just have to get used to it”. Argh! Hate it when people give me that attitude!

My fiancé yet again disrespected me and in front of his mother and her friend, by suggesting he has been the full time parent all this time. And I was like, “excuse me?! That is not true!”.

My cats are still being naughty. One of them pee’d and poo’d in our bedroom today. And I am so over it.

Today I have been feeling distressed again and like I don’t want to be a mother to our baby. And I hate this feeling. And I hate how easily I go from having positive and good feelings towards him, to rejecting him. When will this end?!

I felt like running away again.

I am finding it really upsetting and distressing not having my older daughter living with us and I am finding it really hard that she has been away from me since just after Xmas and I haven’t seen her for weeks. I get distressed, anxious and panicked about this every night before I fall asleep.

My computer has been driving me nuts. As I brought a really awesome graphics card for my fiancés old computer, which is better then my own computer. So I am planning to swap to that. But my hard drive won’t start up in his computer and I have been trying for about 3 days now to resolve this issue. Which I now believe I have worked out. I think it’s an error with my copy of XP. So tomorrow I will format my hard drive and reinstall windows and hopefully this fixes the problem.

You see, I don’t like to pay someone to fix my computer issues. I like to try my hardest to fix things myself. Even if that means seeking advice from IT professionals and googling the issue. As that doesn’t cost a thing 🙂

I am trying to lose weight at the moment. As I am simply over my smaller clothes being stored and not being able to wear them. And I am over being disgusted at my body and shamed. I have been using having a baby and my mental health as excuses not to put in the effort. And when I have lost any weight in the past, I have self-sabotaged it, by eating more and then gaining what I’ve lost. My weight loss is the one thing I can control at least.

I’ve been finding myself quite obsessive about things lately. Fixated by imperfections. Stupid things like, windows that don’t shut properly, my imperfections, household cleanliness, things being in what I consider ‘the right place’, any issues with this house that need fixing and I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of other things. I have been fixated on having dishes done and away in their proper places and hate mess and anything dirty. So when my toddler decides to make a mess in her room, just playing, as toddlers do. It drives me nuts and I can’t handle it and get really annoyed and ‘must’ tidy it. And I’m quite obsessive and particular about where things go. My fiancé thinks that’s quite funny, but of course I don’t.

My fiancé thinks I should try and laugh more. He just doesn’t get that when my mental health is bad, nothing is funny and I have zero sense of humour.

Tonight I felt like going on facebook and posting on my profile how I was feeling at the time. Something along the lines of “nobody in Wellington genuinely cares that I’m not ok, except 1 friend and people I only know through the PND facebook group”. But I couldn’t be bothered getting the tablet or my mobile to log on to facebook and vent. Probably not such a bad thing…

I still feel like there’s something I am forgetting to post about. But yeah, my memory is still failing me and I still can’t remember what it was.

I know as much as, I am sad about not having a father. He died when I was 2 1/2 in a motorbike accident.

I am getting so damn annoyed with people suggesting I go back to work. Why do people not seem to get that I’m not ok and I need therapy first. Or at least some start on therapy and resolving issues.

I am quite stressed about how finances. As being I have told IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) that my oldest daughter no longer lives with us. They have dropped our money by $90 per week. I don’t know how, even if my fiancé goes back to work and we get some subsidy on full time day care for the 2 younger kids, we will afford that.

I am keep stressing about money and need to make a budget. So nothing gets missed out bills wise. I will have to go to WINZ next week and ask for a food grant, as due to my using all the money in our account to try bolt to Nelson the other day, we are down nearly $200.

I have to go to the GP next week and see if they can getting me on the waiting list for getting my tubal ligation(tubes tied) over at Hutt hospital. As I can’t afford to go to Kapiti to the mobile theatre like planned. And also, I can’t handle the stress.

I’ve also been quite paranoid. Like I won’t leave the pegs hanging on the clothesline cause I think someone will steal them and I won’t hang my Ed Hardy clothes on the clothesline, as I am paranoid they’ll get stolen. I know all this is irrational and really no one is going to steal these things. But I can’t seem to convince myself of this fact.

So much going on for me lately. It’s not surprising I want to run away at times.

Hmm, it’s like 1:12am. I think maybe I should go to bed aye.

I have now moved to the new house.

I’ve been still having a very hard time with my mental health. I honestly don’t know where to turn.

I talk to the mental health crisis team, they tell me to get a good nights sleep. Sleep is not the problem! I get enough sleep.

I tell my fiancé how I feel like none of his family genuinely care how I’m doing. He tells me to give them a chance by telling them how I’m feeling. I do this and get no response.

I told him how I have honestly been feeling and his response is “what the fuck Kelly?!” And then he changes the subject and it feels like he doesn’t really care either.

I feel like he is being very selfish and unsupportive still. Leaving the majority of unpacking for me. And one day last week he slept til just after lunch. Leaving me alone with both kids. And it just seems like he prioritizes his wants over my needs.

Honestly how I have been feeling is, rage, wanting to throw a fly spray can at his head just because he asked me to spray a fly and I was in a mood. The other day I felt like driving the car into a lamppost, with him and the 2 younger kids in the car. I’ve felt like harming myself more severely then before. Angry at my toddler over stupid little things. Distressed by my baby. Like running away and like leaving my fiancé and just being with my 2 girls. I’m really forgetful and distracted and have come very close to crashing into traffic islands, barriers or curbs.

We were at mall on the weekend and my fiancé left me with a grumpy, hungry baby, by myself for nearly 1/2 an hour. Then at Farmer’s my toddler ran off twice and I thought I’d lost her and he did nothing, though he knew I was looking for PJs for her and not able to watch her. And I was SO close to losing it and screaming and smashing up things. Thankfully I didn’t. Then he blames it on me for going into Farmers!

I’ve been feeling hyper vigilant and catastropizing. Feeling like, when my daughter is with his family and not wanting to leave me, like she’ll escape and get out on the road and run over.

Due to her resistance to going in my fiancés brother or sisters car or being left at her grandparents (on his side), I end up highly distressed. The other day I’d had enough of the struggle and just dropped her bag and said “I’ve had enough, I can’t deal with this any more” and went and sat in our car, leaving my fiancé to deal with it. Though honestly, I felt like actually just walking off completely, leaving him stranded.

And I’ve been feeling depressed again. As if I weren’t on any antidepressants.

I’ve told my mental health case manager all of this and his reaction is just, maybe this is the way you will always be and maybe try some distress tolerance and CBT(cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques. To which I respond “how am I supposed to use these techniques if I have not had any form of therapy for over a year? Therefore, I am not equipped with these tools and techniques.”

I feel like the only people concerned with my mental health are my mother and myself.

And now, my fiancé is suggesting that he may be heading towards a breakdown mentally. And telling me it’s my fault for any emotions he does feel and that I intentionally provoke his emotions. Which is not true at all.

I have explained to him that our parents model relationships to us and if we have not had a healthy model of a relationship modelled by our parents, that is half the problem in not knowing how to deal appropriately and communicate effectively in relationships ourselves. And that he shouldn’t be so hard on himself. As it’s not his fault his parents did not show him what a healthy relationship and healthy communication looks like.

I know what both healthy and unhealthy relationships and communication look like. And I have done years of therapy and worked on my personal development, self esteem, confidence and many other issues in my 34 years. So I do know a fair bit about relationships and communication. And also I have had a few relationships and my fiancé has not. This is his first and only relationship.

So today he has opened up a lot to me, which is really good. But now I have the burden of his fears and such on my shoulders as well. Which I feel at this time I am ill equipped to deal with, due to my mental health still being pretty bad.

I have been feeling yet again, highly distressed by my baby when he is upset and easily annoyed at my toddler. Whom I love SO much, but still, this does not stop me from getting to these points of not coping.

Today I have spent a good hour or so in my room avoiding everything. I have felt unmotivated and depressed and not wanted to leave the house. I have self-harmed, but not badly. And I have felt like just walking off. It’s all so stressful at the moment.

My fiancé’s family have let us down at points. Such as his sister saying she would have the baby tonight and her not following through on this and his mother the other week backtracking on looking after our toddler as arranged.

The social worker from Cyfs(child youth and family) is coming over tomorrow. Not looking forward to that.

I feel like I’m self-sabotaging any weight loss. As I seem to lose weight and then screw up things by intentionally eating junk food.

Anyway, that’s all I have to share for now. Thank you for reading 🙂

Facade

Well, I’ll admit, though I knew the word facade, I didn’t actually know how to spell it. I spent a good few minutes trying to write it, how it sounded, but in the end, had to go to good old google and type it into an online dictionary to find out.

I found it an appropriate word to describe what many of us do. We put up a false facade. A facade that says, all is good, everything is fine, I am coping.

…when…reality is, we are not.

Earlier I rung the mental health 0800 number and I am actually really glad I called the mental health number and had a chat to them.

They pretty much, acknowledged what most men don’t. Which is that, our job as Mum’s(whether full-time or part-time) is very exhausting and draining, in many ways. Such as emotionally, physically and in general. And that we do A LOT for our children/child. And often get no acknowledgement for that.

That the way I have been feeling, is very common among mothers. From what they hear again and again, from mothers who will admit to not coping and don’t put up the facade that all is well.

That the anxiety and exhaustion and general feeling of being SO over it all, is not uncommon either.

That we DO need time out from our mothering duties.

I so wanted to cry while I was talking to her. As so much of what she was saying hit home and was so true and exactly how I was feeling, even though I didn’t know so at the time.

This is something I felt inspired to write after thinking about this all and having this chat earlier.

“Do not put a facade up, that all is well, when it’s truly not.

Tell someone if you are in pain emotionally.

Reach out.

You’ll be glad you did, no matter how hard that first step is”

Yeah, so I’d say, that describes me somewhat. I sometimes, though not realizing it. Put up a facade. Because, I get so over the not coping. I spent so much time in Annabelle’s first year or so, not coping and not feeling so shit hot. So naturally, I do not welcome those, not so positive feelings. I want to be rid of them. I don’t want them as part of my life.

I got desperate a few weeks ago and took 2 whole anti-depressants! Yeah that’s kind of a piss take. As 2 anti-depressants is actually a normal dose for most people. 2-3 I have heard. Yet I used to only be on 1. But that’s not my point. The point was, I was just not coping and snappy and anxious and generally over feeling so crap. So I felt desperate and took them. Thinking, well they might not be so bad, they’ll calm me down at least. And maybe, the side effects won’t be so bad.

…yeah, nah!!!

Those innocent 2 tablets. Though they did calm me down. They also made me extremely nauseous and I threw up everything I ate for 2 days and the exhaustion they caused, lasted a whole week! So yeah, not going down that road again!

It’s because I’d run out of my trusty 30 Plus tablets a few weeks ago and couldn’t afford anymore. So I was left to cope with myself, without any form of medication.

So yeah, also not keen to let myself run out of the 30 Plus tablets again. As, unfortunately, no matter how good my attitude or health or diet, I still seem to go back to not coping so well.

Gah, I hate it! I hate that I still manage to get back to that place I so hate. I so don’t like being in that place. Could be worse though. It’s not like I’m anything like I was when I suffered with severe PND. I am much better in so many ways in comparison.

It just totally sux, that I have a really good day, one day and then the next, I feel like that.

It’s not totally school holidays to blame. Though it partly is. For some reason, I come unhinged around the school holidays. I think it’s just maybe something that happens, slowly, over a period of months and that happens to coincide with school holidays. So it’s not the school holidays, but the extra demands on me during the school holidays just effect my ability to cope. As there’s more required of me then.

Apparently the constant fatigue I have may not in fact be any medical condition. …Unless you call being a full time Mum a medical condition LOL! Apparently it’s a normal state to dwell in if you are a Mum.

And an update on the weight loss/diet. That’s going…ok…I guess. I have been a bit unhealthy with my diet lately and totally slack on the exercise front.

I wonder if I might be doing that unconscious self-sabotaging again. As I got to within 2 kgs of my goal weight and seem to have gone a bit inconsistent on it all again and gained a little. But to be fair, not a lot. Only 1.9kgs over my lowest weight so far.

I dunno, maybe it’s just me feeling a little relaxed, due to feeling a bit more ok about my body. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

That’s all for now. I have no idea if anyone still has time to read my blog, but hey. At least it’s here if it wants to be read and at least I’m getting stuff off my chest. Which is good for me anyway.

Blah + a little bit of blurgh

That’s a pretty good description of how I’m feeling lately.

My mood is very much blah.  And how I feel about my body and in general is well described with blurgh.

Motivation has wavered when it comes to exercise.  It seemed to have wavered a few months ago and hasn’t come back big time.  I generally feel a little bit of motivation when I look at my non shifting weight and all my clothes become too tight and I look at my semi nude body with disgust.  It’s generally a bit of a wake up call.  Simply, you eat crap, don’t exercise and this is what results.

It’s hard constantly being mindful of what you eat!  Especially when you spent most of your life not having weight issues and stayed at a steady 48kgs till you turned 20.  Even then, weight I gained, was not hard to lose.  I found it became progressively harder to lose once I got closer to 30.  Then, once I hit the big 30, it was a huge struggle to lose anything.  And motivation, last all of about 2-3 weeks.  Then you add, having a baby and gaining 27 kgs and developing Hypothyroidism to it.  Yeah, so not an easy road.  And granted, I have done well in losing 24 kgs and that wasn’t easy.

I do kind of worry I have an unconscious ability to self-sabotage my weight loss, once I get to within 3 kgs of my goal weight.  It’s like, I’ve yoyo’d between 58 kgs and 60 kgs for so long, I can’t seem to handle getting to my goal weight.  Like, I’m scared I might get obsessed with weight loss and get too small. This has happened before, in my mid 20’s.  But once I got too small, I saw that and added some weight.  Also, it’s like, as if I don’t think I deserve to be happy or success.  Deep issues that clearly haven’t been resolved.  I’ve been a self-sabotager in many areas of my life for years.  And I’ve mainly gotten past most of that, but obviously not completely. 

I really don’t understand why I deep down don’t seem to believe I deserve happiness or success.  I guess someone must’ve told me differently for so long I started to believe it.  Some messed up person in my past.  Either that, or I just didn’t have enough confidence and security instilled in me from a young age and thus is the result.

It’s like, for fuck sake!  Why can’t my mind get on board with what my heart knows?! 

Which is, that I do deserve happiness and success and all good things.  I guess shit that has happened in life has made me question this to some degree.  Like the fact that I’m a good person, a kind person, a compassionate person.  Yet, people have fucked me and/or my family over.  Doing things like, robbing us, lying to us, insulting me, lying to me, trying to tear me down because they are having a shit time in life or just rejecting me and making out I’m some how not good enough.

Fact is, YES I am good enough and YES I am worthy.  Anyone who doesn’t see that is just missing out.  I just wish these truths, could get fully cemented into me.  Because, clearly, the truths are there, but not instilled in me, if I have such conflicting beliefs.

Back to the diet and exercise thing.  I think the slackness in eating well and lack of exercise, plus too much time indoors, is part of why I have issues with my moods.  If I could just kick this fatigue, it’d be a lot easier to get myself out and about.  As, it all feels like such a chore presently.  And, gosh, I am really unfit at the moment!  Doing 45 minutes of Zumba yesterday made me very aware of that.  And it became obvious to me, just how much that 2.8 kg gain makes a difference.  As, I was sitting at between size 8-9 at 58 kgs and now I’m size 11.  And the crap thing about that is, I sold almost every pair of size 11 jeans.  But thankfully I still have 1 pair. 

I know diet alone doesn’t do much for weight loss.  But for goodness sake, I have been consistently staying within my calorie goal for several weeks now and I’m not losing ANY weight!  I have gained 300 gms at most.  But I’m only going between 60.5 kgs and 60.8 kgs.  And to a lot of people, they may see that as nothing to get upset about.  But for me, being 5ft2(158cms), I don’t have height on my side and any extra weight on me, shows big time.  Damn this being short!  With my height, if I gain a tiny 1.7 kgs on my current weight, I’m classed as overweight.  And yeah, people may say BMI is not accurate all the time.  But for me, I do look unhealthy when my BMI is anywhere in the overweight range.  Boy is it frustrating having to lose the same 3 kgs over and over again! 

I’ve been learning a bit about ‘False Fat’ which is pretty much bloating and swelling, by reading ‘The False Fat Diet’.  It explains about having reactive foods.  Which are foods we react to, either by digestive upset, causing bloating and swelling or with extra ‘real fat’.  It’s sensitivity’s you have to certain foods.  Not the same as food allergies, but similar.  It explains why this happens and why this results in imbalances in our body.  Unfortunately I’m not up to the chapter which helps to diagnose what my reactive foods are, by doing an elimination diet.  Which is eliminating certain foods for 7 days and paying attention to how you body reacts without them.  And eventually doing this will help you discover your reactive foods.

Ok, well that is all from me.  Till next time.

So what seems to happen with me is. I’ll get to my lowest weight of 58kgs, but never seem to be able to shift the scales to a lower number. So it’s like, I unintentionally self sabotage and seem to reward myself my eating too much or punish myself by going fuck it, I’m over it. Then, I end up gaining a few kgs. Then as a result, feeling crap and down on myself. And my eating, seems to go between, either lots of over-eating or under eating. Which seems to be fucking up my metabolism. So, since my body clearly doesn’t know, what to expect from one week to the next, it’s all out of whack.

When I’m eating too little, my body adjusts my really slowing my metabolism and then as a result of me eating either normally or over eating, I gain weight really fast.

I just get into a really bad habit of either drastically cutting my calories or sabotaging my weight loss by over-eating.

And when my moods are shit, that’s reflects on the scales and in my diet too. Generally being, I eat emotionally, which always consists of over-eating and eating the wrong things. And, when I get bored, due to lack of good weather, meaning lack of exercise, I eat too.

But, I seem to fuck things up, when the weather is good, by eating less, as for some reason I think faster weight loss and don’t have energy to exercise, as I’m eating too little.

ARGH!!! It’s SO frustrating!!! But really, when I sit back and take a long hard look at myself and assess the situation, I come to the realization, that I’m the only one to blame for all of this. And I need to take some responsibility for my actions and therefore change them.

So, what I really need to do, is force myself, to try and never go below 1200 cals. As, if I do, I’m just screwing things up for myself and my body will never sort it’s shit out and my metabolism will never be doing it’s proper job. And, I need to be more consistent with my exercise.

I tend to lose motivation, when I lack energy and when my moods are crap and it takes a lot of energy to get back on the right track. As, not changing is way easier then changing. And, in case you don’t know, I don’t like change, even if I’ll benefit. It mainly comes down to my lack of energy. When that lacks, I don’t do shit.

Here’s hoping, I can turn over a new leaf and at least get my diet sorted and then hopefully up my exercise.

Now I look back, I think going for the Protein Shakes as an attempt to lose weight, wasn’t such a good plan. As, since I’ve been having them, I’ve become very obsessed with my calorie intake and not been eating/consuming enough.

I admit, I’m obsessed/caught up with the number on the scales, as an indicator of my weight loss or gain. Which is something I really need to work on getting over. As, there are so many reasons why the numbers go up and down and I never rationally consider this and just get all emotional and pissed off, when I’m not being told what I want by the scale. I need to try just work by measurements and the way my clothes fit and not worry about the scales. Easier said then done of course.

Forgot to add, I’ve run out of my happy pills(the natural tablets I’ve been taking) so I’m a bit of a moody grump lately.

This picture shows how I feel about it all right now, including how I feel about the scales.

hmm, now that I’ve gone to the effort of creating a blog, I’ve gone a little shy and wonder where to start on sharing my history/journey.

Right, so I guess I’ll start with some history.  I was born in Christchurch, New Zealand in on 19th March 1979.  I was planned and my parents were married.  They were great parents.  At some point we moved to Mackay, Australia.  Over there, my Dad was involved in an accident.  He was on a motorcycle and was hit by a cane truck.  He died at the scene.  So my Mum moved us, myself and my older sister back to N.Z some time after.  He died at age 26 on 5th November(Guy Fawkes) 1980.  So naturally we didn’t celebrate Guy Fawkes due to this.

So my mother was left to raise myself and my older sister alone.

I lost my granddad(my fathers dad) when I was 12, which was very hard for me, as I was very close with him.  I was clearly very effected by this, as I have no recollection of going to the funeral, which, up until I was 25, I had believed I didn’t attend, until informed by my older sister I was in fact there.  Apparently I was quiet the whole funeral and blank, expressionless and people thought that seemed strange, that I didn’t display any emotion.  I still to this day, can not recall the funeral at all.

Very glad I still have 1 grandma left, my dad’s mum, as I will so miss her once she is gone.  I am so glad to have an awesome step-dad and my mum is the best mother ever.  I hate to think, that one day, they too will not be around, but this is just the reality of life.

I have a major fear of death, which is probably a result of losing many relatives early in their lives and my life.  I used to regularly have major panic attacks, to the point of nearly throwing up and choking and having trouble breathing.  Presently, I have that anxiety under control.

The first time I experienced depression was at 17, when my boyfriend at the time dumped me.  It was my first proper relationship and he said we’d be together forever and have kids and stuff and being young, I believed him.  So when everything was going fine and he just suddenly ended it, it came as quite a shock.  For the first time, I felt depressed.  Looked up at the tallest tree and thought to myself, I want to be up there, jumping off and ending things right now!  It’s like my whole world came crashing down.  I don’t think at that age, I had the maturity to realise, things don’t always last forever and people’s feelings change.

As a result of this relationship ending, I developed some trust issues and tended to self-sabotage all the good relationships I had and stay in bad relationships.  It’s like, I sabotaged the good ones, just in case I got hurt, or just in case the guy found out who I really was and rejected me.  Yup, clearly I had major self-esteem issues and had mega low self-confidence.  And with bad guys, I knew the outcome, so I’d just stay, because I knew things would end and I would be doing the ending of things.

Little girls really need their fathers.  There has been studies done, that saw girls with no father present or a neglectful father, tend to suffer low self-esteem and seek male approval so much and will sleep with men simply to feel wanted and some form of love/affection.  This was true of me.  I would simply go there and do that, to feel loved.  Eventually I worked out I was just being used.

Unfortunately in my teenage years, I was raped on 3 different occasion within 1 year, by different guys.  The first time I self-harmed, was after this first happened.  It’s always people you know strangely enough.  That’s the sad thing.  So as a result, I would often sleep with guys, because I didn’t want to get raped again and I figured if I just said yes, I can’t risk being raped again.

I used to self-harm a lot in my teenage years.  It made me feel numb, which helped.  It’s like, I’d do it as a cry out for help, but then I wouldn’t want people to know I’d done it, after the fact.

I think my depression came from many things.  Genetics, there is a lot of mental illness in my families history, life events, such as losing my dad, granddad, being raped.

I have been depressed much of my life since it started.  It sux!  I always wished it would just get cured and never come back.  But it always does.  It’s so draining and such a burden.  And you always feel like such a burden to people in your life, for being depressed.

Some of my depression is affected by my body image.  I tend to get extra depressed when I’m not happy with my body.  Especially since having children.  I did have some Bulimia when I was in my early 20’s.  I had a controlling boyfriend who pretty much spent 2 years telling me I was fat, though I wasn’t.  So I would binge and purge.  I didn’t stop until I moved out and my new flatmates kept noticing my throwing up.  There is only so many times you can say it’s because you’ve drunk too much, before they start to suspect it’s not that.  So it was pretty hard for me watching my changing body when I was pregnant with my first daughter.  I would have to just remind myself it was ok that I was gaining weight.

I had some pre-natal depression with my first daughter.  At times I would be happy to be pregnant.  At other times I would hope something would go wrong and I’d miscarry and other times I would feel terrible for thinking like that.  I would worry I would despise and/or hate my baby, if it was too much like it’s dad.  As when I ended things with my daughters dad, I was 5 weeks pregnant and I despised and hated him by the end of our relationship.  He was not a nice guy and played mind games all through our relationship and really messed with my head.  He was also violent at times.  Though I must say, emotion abuse is so, so much worse to me then the physical was.  By the end of my pregnancy I was happy to soon be meeting my baby.  But by the time I was in labour, like most women, I was freaking out and wishing to rewind and stay pregnant for a few more weeks or months.  I was very angry at everyone apparently, while I was in labour and swearing a lot!  I had trouble at times with my bond with her, but not all the time.  I was a solo mum for most of her life, except the odd periods, when I had a stable relationship and man in my life.  But I didn’t have anyone long term til I was 26 and I’m happy to say, I’m still with that partner.  I did try having a relationship a few times with my first daughters dad before I met my partner, but that never worked long term.  Her father is quite unpredictable, unstable and messed up.  I often found myself attracted to that type of person.  As I like to fix people, so I’d be attracted to wounded souls.

I’ve never attempted suicide thankfully, though I have felt like ending things seriously at least twice in my life.  Thank GOD(literally) that I never tried.  I once was praying desperately to GOD to let me just end things, but he wouldn’t let me.  And I truly thank GOD for that.  This was in my early 20’s.  The last time I felt like I wanted to seriously end things, was in late 2010 and I was thinking in my head of how to do it.  Then I woke up to my ideas and thought, what the hell am I thinking?!!!  Both my daughters were at home and how dare I think like that and how selfish am I for thinking that!  I do thank GOD I have children.  That is probably the one thing that has actually stopped me from ending things.  The fact that, no matter what, I don’t trust anyone to look after them like I do.

I feel I have come a long way with regards to healing and growing as a person.  I used to be very jealous, possessive, un-trusting, paranoid, desperate and obsessive in my relationships.  Now I am a healthy amount of jealous LOL and trusting.  I think meeting the right person helps a lot though.  Plus, being single much of my first daughters early years, has helped and I spent a lot of time while I was pregnant wit her and afterwards working on myself and getting myself sorted mentally and emotionally.  I did like that I didn’t have her father in her life, as that was a bad relationship and that is something a child should not experience.  Plus I had ALL my love, affection and attention to devote to her.  Though I totally understand the part of PND(postnatal depression) where you feel lost/loss of yourself, after becoming a Mum.

I was thinking, as I was contemplating writing this post, about sharing my current PND and how that happened and why and a few things that never occurred to me, about why, have now come to mind.

Ok, so before I got pregnant, while we were trying, I got severely depressed when thinking about taking a HPT(home pregnancy test) and the possible positive result and then I felt haunted, due to having a termination back in 2006 before I met my partner.  Some history on that.  I was led to believe my a nurse, that due to an infection, I may not be able to get pregnant in the future or have trouble, so not knowing I was pregnant at the time, was very distraught by this.  I had thought I was infertile due to hooking up with my ex, whom I have first daughter with for 6 weeks and not becoming pregnant.  So on a couple of occasions while I was single, I had not used protection, believing I was infertile.  So when I found out a week after nurse told me I may not be able to have more babies or have trouble, that I was pregnant, it was a BIG shock.  I remember taking the test and saying “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!, “FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!!!”  This was not supposed to be happening!  So I had a very hard decision to make.  Told both the prospective fathers and of course, they were never ever keen to be involved and both wanted to to terminate.  It was such a hard decision, as I was so anti-abortion and it was against my beliefs as a Christian.  But I thought about the fact I’d taken a few party pills and drunk a lot and my mental stability and doing it alone and so many things and decided a termination was best.  As I could not mentally handle being pregnant and having a baby to an unknown father and my mental health would’ve suffered badly and my daughter would’ve had a very screwed up, unstable mum.  The people I did tell at my church all judged me.  So I thought I’d accepted this decision once I’d gone through with the operation and had some counselling, but then I got severely depressed and would often want to crash my car at full speed into things and often wanted to kill myself.  So I thought I was finally mostly healed from doing this and discovered I really wasn’t when we were trying to conceive my youngest daughter.  I started feeling like I was so selfish, like it was not fair for me to even get pregnant, like a terrible person, that how the hell can I deserve the chance to get pregnant when I’d done such a selfish thing and feeling so, so terrible for that baby I’d terminated and got so, so depressed and had to go on medication again.  I guess I’ll never be ok about doing what I did, but that is ok.

So once I was over that, things seemed fine and though pregnancy was draining and I was really sick at the start, I was really happy to have a baby on the way and so happy to have a partner this time to share this with.

Labour this time went naturally and though it was scary, I’m really proud of myself for doing it with no pain relief(though at the time I was freaking out!)  My youngest was only 2 days late, 12 minutes of pushing, 1 hour 42 minutes established labour and a water birth.  My oldest, well she was 11 days late, 26 hours labour, fully induced, posterior, not engaged til 1 hour before her birth, had episiotomy and forceps.

Like most mothers, I felt so happy to finally meet my baby and was on cloud 9 for days, even with not much sleep, I was still happy.  Then I got the baby blues, which was fine, as I expected that, but it didn’t go away and I developed bad PND.  I would so often just want to leave everyone behind and felt like everyone would be better off without me.  Sometimes I’d want to take older daughter and go, sometimes not even her.  I felt so depressed, all the time.  And every time I’d thing, yay, I’m all better, the PND would come back, and worse.  Sleep was so important to me.  Often I just want to hide at home and see no-one and go no-where.  Other times, I found getting out and about helped heaps and just talking about my feelings really good.  But then all the social events ended and I was lonely and depressed again.

I did attend a PND support group, but didn’t get much out of it.  I found the co-ordinator made me feel like, just because I hadn’t had a traumatic labour and birth with youngest daughter, what I had to say wasn’t important.  I felt often judged by her and often when I would pause while talking, she’d just move on to the next person.  I was really glad when the group ended.  As I didn’t need to feel crap any more, as a result of this lady making me feel judged and un-important.  On one occasion I just wanted to run off and cry, but then I didn’t want anyone asking where I went and why I was upset and having to explain why.  I wasn’t on medication back then either.  At points last year 2010, I was really not coping.  I would always be grumpy and angry, my bond with older daughter would often be non-existent and I’d often want her to live with someone else full term.  I often struggled with really wanting to hurt her.  As her behaviour had gone downhill and she was pushing my buttons and I just didn’t have the control or clarity to see it was just a cry for attention.  I did lash out on some occasions I am ashamed to admit.  It took ages before my MMH(maternal mental health) lady took my thoughts seriously.  It took me saying that I really wanted to punch my daughter in the face and that I could not say whether I would or would not have done it, if I had not been driving, for her to understand how much I was not coping.  Thankfully I never did such a thing.  But it shouldn’t take getting to that point for people to take you seriously.  It also didn’t help me when I first was not coping, for my partners parents to take him away from me for nearly a whole day to help them shift, when they knew I was not coping.  I really disliked them for that.  I remember on Valentines Day, my partner hugged me and said “I love you” and all I could do, is be held and cry and it took 5 minutes for me to be able to even respond by saying the same.

I went to a second PND support group and that was so much better.  Different co-ordinator and it was great and I was on medication by then, so was feeling a lot better.  Little did I know, til just before this group, I actually have an under-functioning thyroid and that was making me feel drained, depressed, gaining weight and just making me feel crap in general.  So once I got medication for that, I started feeling better too.  A few months ago I was not coping again, so decided to up my medication and that helped.  I hated how when I was not coping I’d yell at the baby, who is just a poor baby and just be so angry at everyone and everything.  Yay to not feeling like that now.  Though of course, I do still have some times when I lose it a little, but not as often.  I read a book recently called  ‘Postnatal Moods – Emotional Changes Following Birth’.  It was really good and explained a lot.

So, what I know is before pregnancy with my youngest, the breakdown due to previous termination contributed to the PND, as did the fact that the week I found out I was pregnant, ex was in hospital after trying to commit suicide and close to not making it and my mother while on holiday in Australia, had a heart attack.  Also, before I got pregnant, partner had lost his job and we had flatmates in who screwed as over financially or wrecked their room(resulting in us losing our bond plus $350 extra).  Then while I was pregnant, last flatmates robbed us, making me feel very paranoid, fearful, anxious and on edge.  It’s so violating being robbed!  And it just seemed like we could never get a break.  Partners parents didn’t help us out at all and only visited once baby was born, if in the area!  And they live in the same city!!!  My parents in Australia put in more of an effort!  We had constant car troubles, so we always had to use spare money on car repairs instead of baby stuff.  Luckily before I had baby my partner got a job, which he still has and enjoys.  So not surprising that I developed PND.  So it seems for me, to have come down to, older daughters hard to handle behaviour, lack of money, bad things happening, isolation, tiredness, thyroid problem, previous depression, past termination, feeling lost, lack of control and like I was just existing to keep partner happy and be a mum.  Also, my partner has had trouble dealing with and bonding with my older daughter since we had our baby(the youngest) together.  He just always seemed to be telling her off, seeing only the negative and it seemed like, he’d be happier if she wasn’t around, as in not living with us.  So often I would want to leave him and despise him.  As hurting/rejecting her, hurts me.  Plus she got to the point of just hating him and never listening to him.  So his lack of interest in her, for a while, affected me and I rejected her too.  But I am over that now too.  I guess it’s hard to cope with a new baby and a suddenly, what seems like, impossible older child.  And also maintaining a relationship and making it all work.  It’s a LOT of pressure!  I was not used to having all this to deal with when it was just myself and older daughter.  It was a real shock to the system.  I wanted to say, though I had severe PND with youngest daughter, I never had any issue with bonding with her.  I think the natural birth, with no complications probably did help with that.  And maybe all the intervention with oldest daughter in labour, may have contributed to the bonding issues with her.

I did at times struggle with my confidence as a parent, after my daughters teacher expressed concerns for my older daughter and referred to me as: unemotional, unaffectionate, with no bond, neglectful and she also said, she wondered if daughter was given breakfast and/or even dinner at home!!!  Which she does.  She gets fed very well.  So knowing someone I respected and liked, thought this, was hard to swallow.  With regards to my older daughter, she has developmental delays and behavioural problems and we are in the process of getting her assessed.  So thankfully I now know, it’s not our parenting, it’s just things that are going on in her, that none of us can control.  I am happy she is very loving and affectionate and really loves her Mummy.  I know I have done a good job and no-one is perfect and we all make mistakes.

With regards to my partner.  It must be hard being a step parent and it is normal/natural to have a stronger bond with your biological child, I get that.  We will get there in the end.  Now we are getting more support outside of the home.  But damn, it took a while before we got that help.

What I’d love, is some more close friends and for people to come visit us or me.  As only one friend does and that’s not as often as she’d like, as she doesn’t live close.  The others, well they all live closer, but I have to go to them and they don’t put in much effort and having crap all money, doesn’t help, as I need petrol in the car to get to them.

That’s all for now.  Thankx for reading   🙂