Tag Archive: sleeping tablets


It’s been a little while since I blogged last.

My oldest daughter ended up moving to Wellington 9 days ago.  As the new school in Wellington felt it was more beneficial for her to start this year in the remaining few weeks.  As that gives her more opportunities to reconnect with old friends from her old school in Wellington.

So I have been depressed every since the day she moved up there.  I think I was just keeping up a front for her until then.  I did not want her worrying about me as well as having her own anxieties.  I think I have cried every day since she moved.

I’ll be honest, I am angry at my husband.  I feel this is all on him and him not trying hard enough while she was still living with us.

She did ask me to break up with him in the weeks leading up to her move.

With her being gone, it is like half of me is gone.  My heart is most definitely broken with her not here.

I am glad that she is happy and she will have a happier life.  I was relieved to  hear that her first week at the new school went really well and I was happy seeing her happy when I skyped with her last night.

But the reality is, she is my first born and was my only child for 6 1/2 years and she will always be so special to me because of that.

I do love my younger 2 children of course.

I have been a huge mess mentally.  Feeling like I am not present in my life.  Like I am on auto pilot and just going through the motions.  I have been feeling very detached and like I have not been participating in life.  I do feel a certain degree of dissociation.

I have felt like dying or cutting or overdosing several times in the past 9 days.  On one particular night I was lying in bed wanting to go cut my wrists and I was trying to think of how I could do that without ruining my tattoos and since I could not come up with a way that would not ruin my tattoos, I decided not to.  So my tattoos are definitely a life saver at times.

I was thinking about overdosing on my sleeping tablets on Friday night.

So yeah, I am struggling A LOT.

I am feeling pretty miserable persistently.  My joy is non-existent.

I have been making bad choices for sure.  Drinking a fair bit.

Trying to explain my feelings, emotions and struggles can be difficult at times, but I always persist in trying my best to explain them.

Like I get that it is hard for my Mum to know I am still struggling big time with depression and I know she worries.  I have had this line from both her and my husband lately “it’s been over 2 years, you should be over this already”.  Yeah, top of the list of thing’s not to say to someone struggling with mental illness.

So I did my best to try and explain to my Mum that sometimes when people break mentally, they may never be the same as they were before that mental break and that time has nothing to do with it.  And I explained how my reaction to stress and distress has changed and how it is so much harder to manage my emotions now and regulate them and how I have less resilience to things then I used to.

I feel like my husband is over it.  I do regularly tell him he is free to go find someone who is not me with my issues.  Plus I am so sick of his fucken gaming and streaming and the amount of time devoted to that.  I just do not give a shit about my relationship anymore.  I’m over it.

He has his own issues and I am in no place to live with them and through them and support him.  They are too complex for me and quite frankly some of his issues come out very negatively and I do not like being around that.

I have spent a fair amount of time away from the house in the evening.  As that is when I feel at my worst and miss my oldest daughter the most.

Home is not where my heart is.  My heart is with my girl in Wellington.

I am truly heartbroken.

Just thinking about this and writing about this makes me extremely emotional and cry.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH!!!

And damn it, I have no alcohol to drink to numb these feelings and this pain.  Not that that is sensible or wise.

I have even been trying to find people to shout me some pot, with no success.  And I had not touched that for like 6 years, up until last week.  I got rather stoned off my face last week.  On the plus side I slept well LOL!

The only thing’s I enjoy lately is alcohol, seeing my best friend, being away from the house and the love of my children.

I’m sure there was more on my mind, but I feel I should go to bed now.  As I have been getting to bed way too late for ages.

Thank you for reading and following.

 

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Insomnia

Ok, so I’m sure I’ve mentioned in the past that since having baby and my mental illness going downhill back in August, I’ve had trouble with sleep.

It’s still plaguing me.

And apparently over time sleeping tablets become less effective. And being they are ‘highly addictive’ apparently, mental health professionals and GP’s don’t like to keep you on them long term.

Well, I am by no means addicted to them. In fact I had stopped taking them for a little bit in October and was using natural sleeping tablets, one’s you can get from the supermarket. They tend to contain Valerian most of them. I also used a few drops of Lavender Oil to help with sleep. But then unfortunately the natural alternatives stopped working and I had to start taking Zopiclone again.

Well lately even with the Zopiclone, I have still been having trouble getting to sleep. And the Community Mental Health nurse suggested trying to get off the Zopiclone and use techniques like acupuncture pressure points and warm milk and honey.

I’ve tried the acupuncture pressure points, but not had any success. And last night I tried that and allowing myself to fall asleep without taking the Zopiclone. Unfortunately that didn’t work and after 4 hours of giving myself plenty of time to fall asleep, I had no success. So had to take the Zopiclone to get to sleep.

It’s frustrating, because I want to stop taking the Zopiclone and I have so much pressure from medical and mental health professionals to get off them.

What annoys me about the medical and mental health professionals, is how they go on and on about certain medications being ‘highly addictive’ and they don’t seem to consider the fact I am not one of those people who becomes addicted to medications.

I’m going to try the warm milk and honey tonight. So hopefully I have success.

I do all the right things. I practice sleep hygiene. Which is doing stuff like:

-only using the bed for sleep or sex
-no electronic stimulation an hour before bed
-no caffeine at night
-breathing techniques
-peaceful sleep environment
-clock out of view

Though sometimes the peaceful sleep environment does get disturbed due to my fiance gaming or doing something on the computer that involves him being vocal. That doesn’t help in those circumstances. I sometimes get so desperate for sleep and annoyed with this crap, that I’ll go sleep in my daughters room in the spare bed.

Sleep Issues

So I have mentioned I think a few times in the previous few posts about sleep issues.

Initially they gave me Zopiclone to help with sleep in the week before I went downhill and ended up in hospital. And that did help at first. But as things got worse with my mental health and I developed Hyper Arousal, which can best be described as being on high alert all the time. Which is not helpful for getting sleep!

So I would pretty much get to sleep at some point, with the aid of Zopiclone or Lorazepam, but not stay asleep. So often I was only getting maybe 2-3 hours sleep a night and that was at the ward or at respite. And when I came home, I had 1 Zopiclone left and was given Promethazine to help with my sleep. And one night in desperation to get some sleep, I took both of them and still I only got maybe 2 hrs sleep if that. And ended up taking a Lorazepam in the morning, to get at least some sleep, though I think that was only 1 hour or just over.

I recall on at least 2 occasions, waking to a panic attack, due to inability to fall asleep and another time, waking up to my body shaking, due to not being able to have a simple nap.

Man it sucks having this issue. Not helpful for the mental health and the day to day life as a Mum. Last night I managed a few more hours sleep I believe, but that was due to exhaustion, from weeks of hardly any sleep. I hope tonight sleep goes better again. I am over laying in bed for hours waiting for sleep to come, to no avail.

Good night. Off to bed now.