Tag Archive: frustrated


My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

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I was thinking on this subject especially on the weekend. Due to how I was feeling within my relationship and was considering how depression effects relationships or maybe just mental illness in general.

So, pretty much, I was rather down and exhausted. Both physically and mentally. Due to getting sick(I have the flu now) and it’s toll on my energy as well as mental health. I find getting sick has a follow on effect with me of my mental health declining soon after. Which makes sense really. As when you are not feeling 100% everything becomes a chore and your tolerance for everything goes down, big time.

Anyway. I was feeling very unsupported by my fiance and was over getting no help when I needed it, with what I needed help with. Being housework. As I do ask him, when I am unwell, if he can just help me with at least 1 household chore. And in saying that, I try and be easy on him and don’t ask too much. As in, just doing half of the dishes. Like if one of us wash them, the other can dry. And I think this is not much to ask and it’s not a big task. But yeah, still he won’t help. No matter how I explain about my lack of energy, due to being sick and lack of motivation. Does he show me any compassion or sympathy? No he doesn’t.

It’s funny how he won’t acknowledge all the housework I do or anything I do. Yet he gets pissed off if it’s not done and has a whinge.

I feel that he manipulates/plays on my emotions. As he knows I love him and I care about him and his opinion and I feel he plays on this fact.

It all just got a bit much for me on the weekend.

What happened was, my older daughter(from a previous relationship), her Dad wanted to see her and that’s fine. But I had told my fiance I wouldn’t be going anywhere else during the weekend on Friday. As I went to the latest Twilight movie and to try make him feel less sulky about that, I assured him I had no plans to go anywhere during the weekend. But, I didn’t know til Saturday, that my daughters Dad wanted to see her. So when he asked to see her, I arranged that with him. My fiance then got in a foul mood due to this. And I explained to him, that I didn’t have plans to go anywhere, but this has come up and I’m not going to deny my daughter the chance to see her Dad. And he was like, “well what if we had plans? I bet you wouldn’t have said no to him and would’ve canceled our plans”. And I reassured him that, no, if we had plans already, I would not have taken my daughter to see her Dad.

So, I left to take her to see her Dad and my fiance wouldn’t even acknowledge me and wouldn’t even give me a kiss before I left and just looked pretty pissed off.

This resulted in my pretty much crying most of the way to my daughters Dad’s house and I was quite an emotional wreck by the time I got there. Thankfully, he himself struggles with mental health issues too and we know each other quite well and he was sympathetic and compassionate.

So we all had a nice time out Ten Pin Bowling and it was nice to vent to my daughters Dad and feel heard and understood.

I got home and told my fiance how I was feeling. Which was, that I feel unsupported, I feel I don’t get enough affection, I feel like, I can’t leave the house without him being annoyed at me for leaving and how this is not good for my mental health, as I do need time away and that, I end up therefore, due to his lack of support, staying out for longer, as I dread coming home to him in a mood. I also told him, I don’t feel appreciated at all for all that I do during the week, with looking after the kids and doing the housework and just once, it would be great to just have some acknowledgement in that area. His response was “I’m not that kind of person. I don’t say things like good job or well done” and I said, “well that’s no excuse. I at least acknowledge everything you do and to have some acknowledgement in return would help me not feel so unsupported and unappreciated and therefore, less anti you”. I also went on to say, that it should not be my problem that he has no social life and therefore is jealous that I get to go out and do things and I do have to get out and see others, for the sake of my mental health, as, if I don’t, my mental health declines. I feel like, he punishes me, with his sulking, due to him not having friends. But really, I am my own person, I am in charge of me and that is really his problem and should not be put on me and I should not be made to feel guilt for having friends and some social interaction. I feel like, I have to spend as much time at home as possible, to keep him happy and this often ends up making me isolated and therefore makes my mental health decline. I explained to him, the lack of affection is really hard for me. As it shows me he cares and when I’m clearly upset and he can see that, it would be really comforting if he could hug me. That, I shouldn’t have to get hugs from other people, who I don’t even know that well.

So, he didn’t respond at all. He just sat there and said not a thing. I said that pretty much, that makes me feel like you don’t care about me or our relationship and maybe I should just leave. As his behaviour is making me want to push him away and that I don’t want to despise him, but it’s heading that way.

Still, no response. So, me being me, was not willing to drop it. So I just followed him over to the computer and insisted he give me a response.

He gave me plenty of excuses and said he felt like I have this whole other family(with my daughter and her Dad) when I go hang out with them for several hours. Anyway, things seem better at the moment.

But it makes it really apparent how important support is. Especially by your partner, when you have mental illness or just even if you don’t.

I often feel angry at him. For all the time he spends on his computer, with headphones on, ignoring his surroundings. It is very hard having a gamer for a partner/fiance/husband. I sympathize with any women who has to deal with this and I know I am not alone in this frustration.

But, he is a great Dad to our daughter. Just lacks interest and compassion towards my older daughter. Which I don’t like at all. Which was another thing I mentioned in my talk to him the other day.

See, I was very kind about my talk with him the other day. I made sure I did not raise my voice, did not get angry, did not attack him with words, did not say anything insulting. So I felt quite frustrated that I still got no response for about 45 minutes. As I was very controlled. Seems with him, no approach works any better then another. I used I feel statements and made sure I wasn’t using blaming words.

So, yeah, been crying a fair bit over the weekend. Well actually, been crying a lot lately in general.

But, at least on a different positive. I’m 1 kg away from my goal weight. Which is 55 kgs. So, currently 56 kgs.

It’s taken ages to get below 57-58 kgs. But finally, I am getting there.

That song “Don’t you worry child” by Swedish House Mafia, though, makes me cry nearly every time I hear it. Not sure why. But it’s in my “Emotions Playlist”. Which is pretty much a playlist of any song that evokes emotion in me. I feel it’s quite good to feel emotions. So I do listen to it quite a bit lately.

Ok, think that’s all I have to say. Thankx for reading.

Why oh why?!

Why oh why, does my depression fool me into thinking it’s improving and then, bam, the next day it’s back with a vengeance!

Sunday, was doing well.

Monday, was falling apart.

But that was due to it being the 32nd anniversary of my Dad’s death. Though my downward spiral mental health wise made it an even harder day I feel.

I was on the edge of tears all day yesterday. If not in tears.

My sleep has been pretty crap for a while and I think this is a contributing factor too and I feel stress is contributing to that. It’s not the getting to sleep that is so much of an issue, as Lavender Oil helps with that, it’s the staying asleep. I wake several times a night and take ages, sometimes an hour to get back to sleep and it’s not even like my mind is ticking over, it’s just being awake and not being able to just get back to sleep. And the end result, waking up tired every day and feeling like I need more sleep and suffering through out the day with the subsequent fatigue.

I have invested in some ‘Clinicians REM sleep’ tablets though. Though they weren’t cheap! I am hoping they help.

I feel, this long cycle of depression could’ve been avoided if I had managed to get an appointment with Community Mental Health sooner. I don’t have that appointment til the 29th of November.

I feel like I have been screaming out for help for over 6 months at various health professionals and just not been heard. And I always go when I am at my worst(though I should probably go before that) and still, seems like banging my head against a brick wall. I feel pretty frustrated at the length of time this appointment has taken to get. I do not like suffering for long periods like this. It’s very draining and hard to snap out of.

I feel this lack of support and help has been some of the reason behind why I have been having such an extended period of depression. As usually, it’s 2-3 weeks. Though like I think I said in an earlier thread, I have had a long period of depression of this length one other time this year.

So over it aye.

I was so stressed by my lovely toddler today, due to her continually running off at the supermarket this afternoon. I wanted to go back to the car and literally pull my hair out. I just wanted to bloody scream!

I had started off so well this morning I had thought.

I spent the whole time at home, before I had to go pick up my older daughter from school, just hanging out with her, trying to find ways to get her to comply, with no stress and it WAS working.

So I thought, cool, I’ve got it sorted.

I even let her have the freedom to go into a few shops without putting her in the pram and that went ok.

But after school, it all changed.

She wouldn’t go in the pram, so I had to hold her down to strap her in. She screamed the whole walk from the car to the classroom and continued while I waited for my older daughter and kept it up all the way back to the car. Get back to the car and she won’t get in her car seat. So I was like, well, stuff it, I give up and sat in the back seat til she was ready to comply. Which worked via bribe. As I had something she wanted.

So yeah, pretty drained today.

I’m hoping better sleep will help things a little or significantly.

And off in a completely different tangent, here’s just a few words on honesty.

I think my honesty does make people unsure what to think of me. But hey. I am me and that’s just how I roll.

Being so honest, it does of course upset me when people don’t take my word for things and don’t think I’m being truthful. As honesty is a big strength of mine.

…well, I dunno if everyone likes that strength, but hey.

Could be worse, I could be a compulsive liar.

Quite glad I’m honest. But never honest in a negative way.

Ok, getting tired now and hoping I did a good job of proofreading. As sometimes I think I have and come back, re-read my blog and see more mistakes.

31st July 2012

Yeah, that’s what happens when you run out of interesting titles for blog entries.  You just go with the date  🙂

 

So, yesterday was a bit of a crap day.  I was visiting a friend and my toddler hit her 10 month old with a toy while I was out of the room.  And yeah, I acknowledge that is not cool.  But also, it’s not cool for 2 people to start attacking me as a parent and to insult my parenting and my child.  Comparing her to other children.  Insinuating that she has issues and anger problems.  She is actually a nice little girl and by no stretch of imagination, does she have issues.  She just has zero experience with babies.  And yeah, that’s not an excuse, but it is fact.  If I had been in the room and saw it potentially heading that way, I’d have told her no and explained why we don’t hit babies.  But unfortunately I was not in the room.

 

I was very upset with being attacked and having my daughter insulted.  I’d have thought parents would have more tact, then to insult another parent and their child.  I wanted to just get up and leave, as I don’t like conflict.  But then I felt that gives a message I am wrong and they have won.  So I simply stayed, to prove the opposite.

 

Also felt quite emotional after all that.  And then I watched a programme called “One Born Every Minute” and that made me very emotional.  Seeing several women becoming Mums for the first time and those emotions and their pain.  But, I’m still fine with the fact that my baby making days will soon be over.  Though I feel like I’m being tested in that area a lot lately.

 

I’m getting hair extensions tomorrow.  Well I bloody better be!  I have been waiting for nearly 3 months!  So that is kind of exciting.

 

I’ve been feeling a bit emotional and frustrated about my weight not shifting much.  As, I had been eating very well, for a whole week and expected a loss of at least 1 kg minimum.  So when I stood on the scales at the end of the week and saw I’d only lost 200gms, I got very upset and packed a bit of a tanty and took it out on everyone that morning.  Did a bit of binge eating and emotional eating on the weekend and yesterday.  And I get very annoyed at myself for knowingly putting this bad food in my mouth and into my body.  I also get frustrated that I really don’t feel like exercising.

 

I met a lovely person through the Anxiety/Depression meet up group, last week.  We chatted via email for about a week before we met.  We have quite a few things in common.  I have really enjoyed hanging out with her and chatting to her.  She’s a very nice person.

 

I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed the last 2 days.  I’m not sure if I’d say depressed or not.  Just kind of sick of being on Mum duty all the time.  Wishing I could just have 2 days off, by myself, without these responsibilities.  But don’t see that happening.  It’s just very hard when the older child is giving attitude and looking at you being a little smart-ass and the younger one keeps screaming and screeching, instead of using words.  That noise does drive me pretty crazy.  Having your emotions go on a bit of a rollercoaster doesn’t help.  As I get a bit sensitive and easily upset.

 

I have been doing my very best to socialize as often as possible.  Just to take care of myself and my moods and mental health.  As, like I have most likely mentioned before, if I don’t socialize often enough I go downhill, get depressed and sometimes as a result isolate myself.  So I think I have done ok to have socialized once both days this week.  Though, yesterdays social interaction turned negative due to the incident with my daughter and that crap.  I got to hang out with my neighbour from down my street for a bit.  She’s really cool.  I like hanging out with her.  And this week, I have a few things on, which is nice, as that gives me things to look forward to and that is important.

 

Tomorrow, I am visiting my friend Anastasia in the morning and I get to see her new baby for the first time and Annabelle gets to hang out with her older son, Eddie.  Then I am hanging out with Donna, who used to work with my fiancée when he managed a video store.  I’ve not actually hung out with her before, apart from chatting to her when I bumped into her earlier this year and chatting via text.  She’s a cool chic.  Then tomorrow evening I get the hair extensions.  On Thursday I have my 2nd appointment with my Psychologist.  And on Friday I am visiting my friend Lily.  And next Wednesday, my Mum is in Wellington for 2 days.  She lives in Australia.  So I’m pretty excited about seeing her.  Next week is pretty mundane apart from that.  On Monday I have boring things to do, like take Annabelle for her 2 1/2 year Plunket check and then take Sophie to the Dentist later that day.

 

Wrote in my diary for the first time in like 15 days last night.  Thinking I might write in there again soon.  Also thinking I might go to bed soon.  As I’m attempting to look after myself, by getting enough sleep.

 

I’m sure I had more stuff to write about.  But I’ve forgotten what else.  That’s all for today.

I don’t think I blog anywhere near as much as I used to.  Partly, because I just don’t get around to it, partly because I’m not sure what to write about or if I want to share very private thoughts(which usually, I just write in my diary) and partly because, I don’t know if my blog still gets read.  Though I’m sure it does…well I hope it does anyway.

 

So where I’m at presently is… I’ve been quite depressed for the past 2 weeks.  Things just seem to be getting on top of me.  Not busy wise, just life.  This cold weather makes me wants to hibernate at home and it’s not helping my exercise resolve at all.  I have exercised properly 2 times in I don’t even know how many months.  I’m thinking it’s been about 4 months.  My weight has gone up, from my goal weight.  And while I don’t like this fact, I’m finding it hard to stick to strict enough eating to get back to my goal weight.  Which is partly this cold weather and partly my depression. 

 

At many times lately, I’m just getting very worked up, angry over Annabelle being a whingy little toddler.  Which is most likely a typical behaviour at this age.  But it seems, I find it quite hard lately to keep my cool and keep calm.  She’ll just whinge, instead of telling Braiden or I what she wants.  Because she knows the words for whatever it is she’s wanting.  But instead, she’s being whingy.  And it kind of does my head in!  I go between feeling overwhelmed and teary and overwhelmed and angry or frustrated.  

 

The other week, I was having a bad day.  She was being difficult and kept misbehaving.  Possibly I think, because I missed the window of opportunity for her afternoon nap.  And well, toddlers can be rather difficult if this nap is needed and is missed.  As they get overtired and all hypo.  Anyway, her behaviour was already driving me a bit mad and then she threw a very solid, hard toy at the new TV and I had, had enough and lashed out and hit her(just to be clear, not in an abusive way) and she cried, because, one, I generally never hit her, so she was in shock and two, it probably hurt too.  Like most normal, caring, loving mothers, I instantly regretted lashing out and I felt like utter crap.  I said sorry and told her it wasn’t her fault and tried to explain myself(whether she understood what I was on about is another thing LOL) and gave her a big cuddle.  And I just broke down in tears and bawled my eyes out.  And she was such a sweetie, she puts both her little hands on my face and looks up at me and then hugs me even tighter.  I think she’s at an age where she’s developing empathy.  So she saw me wipe away my tears with my hanky and then grabbed my hanky and put it up to her face, so I could wipe her tears.  I then, cried even more.  But that was more out of pride and seeing how sweet and cute she was.

 

Yeah, so, I’ve been crying a lot lately and at times my anxiety levels have been going up, which is never fun.  But on the plus side, I have been approved for 6 free counselling sessions.  So at some point soon, I’ll arrange that.

 

Yesterday I went to a meet up, through this NZ meet up group, for people with Anxiety, Depression and other mental health issues.  We first meet up at Starbucks and then went and watched the movie ‘Rock of Ages’.  They are an awesome group of people and I really enjoy hanging out with them and chatting with them.  As we generally ‘get’ each other, in ways that others in society don’t ‘get’ us.  And sometimes, I think some of them think I talk too much LOL!  Which in all honesty, I am known for, by so many people who know me!  I just have to remember, despite how people might react to my talkative nature and even if people try give me shit about it, it’s not a bad thing and I won’t let myself feel as if it is.  As I spent a lot of my younger years, being hassled about this personality trait, like it was a bad thing and it gave me a bit of a negative complex about it.  But these days, I try and laugh it off if people give me shit about it.  Plus, sometimes they are just being sarcastic.  Being able to talk so easily and openly is definitely a positive personality trait.  As not everyone can just do that.  It’s something I have, that not everyone has.  It makes me unique and makes me who I am.  Of course, sometimes me being overly talkative is a nervous thing.  Like, sometimes I just can’t handle silence and I just talk, talk, talk.  Other times, it’s because I spend way too much time at home, with my toddler, or children and when I get to see adults and have social interaction, I get all excited and talk, talk, talk.  So, in short…or long maybe, I’m cool with this personality trait of mine, despite how others react.

 

On an area I’m not cool with…is parents who reject me.  As in, my significant others parents.  And, it’s a source of insecurity.  It something I have struggled with for years.   As when you’re in a relationship, an important, significant, hopefully long term relationship, how you are perceived, liked, disliked by your partners parents is a big thing.  And I know in many relationships, it makes or breaks the relationship.  So when my partners parents reject me, I find it really upsetting.  The more parents who have rejected me, the more it seems to upset me.  It’s happened to me a fair bit, since I had my first serious relationship when I was 17.  And I have had a few parents, dislike me or reject me.  Some for reasons I have been told, like my first serious relationship for example, I was 3 years older then my boyfriend and his mother did not like me for this reason.  She was worried I would lead him astray and corrupt him.  Fair enough though, he was 14, I was 17 and he was a virgin, though not completely innocent before I met him.  His Dad liked me though(his parents are divorced), so I could handle the fact that his mother wasn’t keen, as fair enough when you think about her reasons.  Other parents who have rejected me, it has seemed like there was no valid reason, they just didn’t like me.  I know one boyfriend, who had been brought up in wealth and has very rich parents, it was down to the fact that I had not had the same upbringing.  Gosh, snobby and judgemental much!  Another parent, it was because I’m christian and they are catholic.  Which to me, seems pretty petty, as both religions believe in the same God, the same Jesus and the same bible!  So, the fact Braiden’s(my now fiancée), father has rejected me, for no apparent reason, upsets me.  I mean, the way I see it is, why would a parent not like me?  What reason could they possibly have?  I’m nice, honest, kind, caring, compassionate, good, easy-going, friendly, a loving Mum and a generally all round decent person.  So the fact that his Dad has taken issue with me, kind of hurts.  If someone doesn’t like me, I want to know why, even if I don’t like the answer.  Not knowing why, that’s part of the problem.

 

It’s probably a big issue for me, because family is very important to me.  And being I don’t have any family within driving distance and whom I can see regularly.  Having the other halves family reject me, hurts even more.  As family is VERY important to me.  But, I do have good support on Sophie’s side of the family.  Her grandparents are very lovely and have been such a help to me over the years and are very involved in her life.  And for that, I am SO grateful!  And I make sure I tell them that too.  Just to clarify, for people who don’t know my history.  Sophie is from a previous relationship and Annabelle, is Braiden and my child.  So it’s Braiden’s parents who are the issue here, not Sophie’s side.

 

I am often disappointed that, though Annabelle’s grandparents(Braiden’s parents), live in Wellington, they put in no effort!  Or very little.  I mean, it’s only about 25 minutes drive I’d say, from their place to ours.  Seems like, they only visit and by they, I should more say, his Mum, when they are over this way for other reasons.  Or if it’s Annabelle’s birthday.  Like FFS, they don’t even give Braiden a call on his birthday or a present!  And his last birthday was significant, he was turning 30 and still, nothing!  Me, personally, with my family and expectations of family, found that shocking and disgusting!  If they could be more involved, even if that’s just his Mum, that would be greatly appreciated.  They know I struggle and they know I have mental health issues at times, yet they don’t offer any support.  And it’s not like they shouldn’t ‘get’ it, as they have both suffered from mental health issues at times in the past.  Yeah, so, not so impressed with them.  They have their youngest granddaughter plenty and she’s way harder work then Annabelle.  They even moan about how difficult she is.  Yet they have her plenty.  I think, they play favourites with their kids.  So, because Victoria(their 2nd and youngest granddaughter) is their youngest sons daughter, she gets favoured over Annabelle.  I have the feeling, they weren’t very nice to Braiden growing up and this favourites thing with their kids, has been going on for years.  And I so do not agree with that shit!  I know my Mum doesn’t play favourites with any of us kids.  I just feel like we, as a couple, do so desperately need some time without both the girls.  As, your relationship does most definitely suffer if you are always ‘on’ and always doing parent duty.

 

It’s not surprising I guess, that sometimes I just have enough of it all and want to escape and piss off elsewhere for a significant amount of time.  It’s not that I’m trying to get away from Braiden even, it’s that I’m just trying to get away from my 24/7 responsibilities.  As, leaving the house is the only way to get a break.  Going upstairs and chilling by myself, every now and then, will do.  But sometimes, that’s just not enough for me.  As I can’t fully relax when the kids are all home or when Braiden is bitching and moaning at his game or people he’s playing against.  That in itself does my head in on occasion.  As, really, who wants to listen to that for several hours or several nights in a row.  Not me!  I know though, I’m not alone in this desperation for time out and the whole, being ‘on’ 24/7 and desperately wanting a break or just some time as a couple.  Only having that time when the kids are asleep, is not enough and so not the same.  And yeah, I think my sex life and sex drive suffers as a result!

 

I’m not alone in that either.  Thank goodness!  I was rather relieved when I was hanging out with a few Mums in their 30’s, who have 2 or more children and we were discussing this subject.  It was nice to know, that others feel this way too.  And that some of them, have sex even less then Braiden and I.  But never-the-less, I do feel kind of shit about the fact that I don’t have much of a desire.  It’s not him either or lack of attraction.  It’s totally me.  I just favour sleep.  And, I think it’s hard to connect sexually, when you are always busy looking after 1 or both kids.  And not getting a break either.  I think, if we had the odd night off from them both, we could have better sex and my libido might go back to normal.  I am shocked at how shit it is!  I thought, it was supposed to be ‘dirty thirties’ and that us women are supposed to be at our peek sexually in our 30’s.  Yeah, not so much in this case!  I think maybe they mean single women, without kids!  The only time I seem to feel the desire is in my friggen dreams!  Not cool!  At least Braiden has a sex drive.  Pity I can’t borrow some of his LOL!  Interesting subject aye?!  My sex drive or shall I say lack of sex drive.  But I was encouraged by some people I was chatting to, (in real life, not online for once) to be honest and share my views and feeling on this subject.  As, there might be others out there, feeling the same and thinking that they are the only one feeling this way.  Let me just say, if you feel this way, you are so NOT alone!  I used to think maybe it was my body image or maybe it’s because I’m always tired.  But nah, seems more like, it’s the lack of real adult time.  That’s hard when you have 2 kids.  It was always much easier to get this time, when I only had 1 child.  And I wouldn’t want to go back to having only 1 child, but, there is a price to pay for having more then 1.  You just don’t realize this when you are planning on making a 2nd child.  You naively think, we’ll still have time, we’ll find the time and then reality bites and you find out, that time, isn’t so easy to come by.  The parents I know, who have a sex life, they only have 1 child or, they regularly get nights off from their kids.  Oh, how luck they are!  So, if we can maybe try and encourage Braiden’s parents to have Annabelle more, then maybe we can sort this dilemma out.  Hmm, I wonder, is there a pill I can take at my age for increasing sex drive?… I think, most likely nothing that can be prescribed by a doctor, due to not being an old lady LOL!

 

Oh, another great personality trait of mine is, I’m funny…apparently.  I don’t often see it, but I have a friend who is always telling me so. So she must be right of course!  Either that, or she just brings out the comedian in me.

 

A strange thing I have been getting frustrated about lately is.  I only have 5 pages left in my old diary and last time I wrote in it, I think I had about 9 pages left, so I had a good write in it and then started writing about mundane b.s, because I was trying to fill in the pages.  Then I get to the end of my entry and I still had 5 pages left.  Most people wouldn’t care about such a thing.  But me, I was left feeling frustrated.  Why, you may ask… It’s because this diary, I have had since 2007 and it’s just an A4 writing book, very boring.  And I’ve brought a new diary, which is very cool and has a funky design and I got a funky new pen to go with it.  So, I’m getting frustrated at not having finished my current diary.  As, naturally, I am feeling very excited about my new diary and writing in it.

 

Ah, so maybe that’s why people find me funny… Because I go off in tangents about subjects often completely unrelated.  Did you notice?…And also, maybe because, I get annoyed at the strangest things.  But, that’s what makes me unique right?!  And being unique, is definitely not overrated.  Even if people may replace the word ‘unique’ with weird, that’s most likely just because they are a boring copycat, who wouldn’t know unique if it came and bit them on thee arse LOL!  And there I go again, being random.

 

Right, so we have established, I’m talkative, random, unique, funny and lacking a sex drive.  Oh and clearly, very honest.

 

You know I was actually supposed to be getting off the computer like an hour or so and then I remembered, I was going to write in my blog.  Glad I remembered.  I’ve been meaning to write in here for a few days