Tag Archive: cliques

My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

What’s been happening lately. Hmm, well I got the Jadelle out last week, so am now contraception free and hopefully that will improve several areas of my life. Such as, weight, moods, monthly cycle and my skin. That nearly didn’t happen though. Which would’ve kind of pushed me over the edge a tad. What annoyed me was, I decided to make an appointment at my doctor, so I didn’t have to wait 2-3 weeks for an appointment at FPA. So I was willing to accept the higher price by going to my doctor. As I was desperate to get it out. So when they rang me the day of my appointment and cancelled my appointment, I was about to just lose it. As I was just so over letdowns and I just could not handle another. I just pretty much said to the nurse, I’m so over being let down and disappointed and explained how I’d just recently been dealing with the muck up over the operation that wasn’t in fact happening and that if I wanted to wait another 2-3 weeks, I’d have gone to FPA and saved $30, but I was desperate to get the Jadelle out and explained all the side effects and eventually she had some compassion and found an emergency appointment for me. But while I was on hold, I will admit I was having a little cry. As at that point, my appointment was still cancelled with no hope of a sooner one.

I was just kind of very over so much in general. As my tooth had been causing me agony more regularly last week and then another tooth broke. Plus my iron was too low, due to having my monthly twice in 2 weeks, not to mention 2 bouts of PMS. So I was really, really over shit. Admittedly I did quite desperately want to self-harm at least twice, but thankfully I didn’t. Which I am proud of. As feeling so low and desperate is a place I do not like to be in.

Went to an Anxiety and other Mental Illnesses meet up last weekend. That was really good. I made a point of organizing it myself, as I’d not found one to go to for months and I was desperate to be around more like-minded people. So it was nice chatting away with everyone there and connecting.

Of late, I have really been making a point of speaking my mind about things. But in a totally positive way.

It’s school holidays at the moment. And if anyone follows my blog, they will know I don’t really enjoy this period. As I can usually cope the first week, but by the 2nd week, I’m kind of losing the plot. Though I do my best to make sure I get out and socialize or at least have people over to visit. As if I don’t, I’d kind of lose it I think. It’s harder these days to keep cool, as my toddler is very, very testing now, more so then usual. And that’s not a fun stage. And my older girl tends to get bored and ask for food continually. When will she work out the damn difference between boredom and hunger?! Grr! At least I have something to do some of the the mornings this week. Though not fun things really. Yesterday I had to go to dentist and get a quote. So that’ll be $755 I have to go ask Winz for. Today I have an appointment with my Psychologist, the last of my 6 free sessions. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Winz to apply for help with dentist bill. Here’s hoping my toddler behaves and that the appointment is as fast as possible. As it’s never a fun process going to Winz with her. As she just won’t stay put. And on Thursday there in the Annual October Buggy Walk, which should be fun. Hopefully someone will go with me. As it’s kind of lame by yourself. On Saturday I have a 1 year old birthday to go to. So it’s just a matter of filling in the afternoons.

I actually like not having too much structure in my weeks. As it leaves me free to have a life. As I find some people have expectations that, because I have a toddler, I should be going to all these things… but these things, they all cost money. Plus, I like to avoid anywhere that has potential cliques. As I hate them with a vengeance and as a Mum, you see a lot of cliques. Don’t have time for that crap. I find it highly immature and what’s so laughable about it, is the age of these cliquey Mums. Let’s just say, they are old enough to know better. Usually in the 20’s or mid-30’s or even 40’s. It’s like, shit, we’re back in high school! That’s why it’s laughable. As I’m 33 and I will never be in a clique or be in the slightest bit cliquey. I am proud to say I’m a quality person like that and I am proud that I would never stoop to that. But I guess, I never have, even in high school. I was the type to be hassled by the cliquey types. Why can’t we all just get along?! In an ideal world we world. Status, income, popularity and all that other crap wouldn’t matter. But oh well, there are clearly some screwed up people out there, who weren’t taught to treat others as they wish to be treated. Who build themselves up by tearing others down. Who see differences as a negative, instead of something to embrace. Oh I feel so sorry for those sad individuals. How fun it must be to be them…not! I am very proud, that despite what shit I may have been through in my life, I still have remained relatively the same, morals wise and ideals wise.

On a totally different subject. Damn my cats kittens are cute!

Do you ever just feel really bored with your life? Like it’s the same shit different day? I must admit I do a lot. Especially on the weekends and in the evening. Find myself at a loss as to what to do. Everything just gets so boring. I’ll just be sitting there going, what to do, what to do. Part of the problem might be my fiancé. He seems to not get that maybe I am a bit over looking after the kids all week and that eventually that wears you down and you need to get out of the house. He’s too busy thinking poor me about being left home with the kids and how he works so hard and deserves a break. Yeah sure, he works hard and deserves a break. But so do I! It’s like, what I do, doesn’t seem significant to him and it’s like my duty as the Mum is SO easy. I often stay around home just to keep him from having a sulk. And yeah, sometimes when I leave the house, I don’t come back for hours. Which often isn’t my intention, to be out for that long, but sometimes time flys. And it sux to be out somewhere, not being able to relax properly, cause you know he’s sulking. It’s not my fault he has no social life! It’s not my responsibility! If you want to have a social life, you need to put yourself in positions to meet new people. That’s what I did. I had to. If I didn’t I’d have lost the plot long ago and be much worse off mental health wise. I had to make new friends and put in the effort to maintain my friendships for my sanity. And recently, it became evident how little he thinks I do. He was having a whinge at me for cleaning up a little in the morning, instead of helping out with Annabelle(our toddler) and was going on about how I never help in the morning and I was like, what?! I helped the day before. And then he’s going on about, well how do I know you do anything for her during the day? I was like, are you serious?! Clearly I do, she is feed, nappy changed, happy. And he’s like, well how do I know if you don’t tell me? I’m like, well you don’t come home to a starving child with a nappy that’s never been changed now do you?! I was like seriously, you really don’t get how much I do! And the day before, he was telling me I was being a bad Mum to my older daughter because I couldn’t go make her dinner. Which was because I had major stomach pain and was tired as hell and he was like, stop lying to get out of things. I friggen wasn’t! I think it was him just being a jerk because I was upset he’d not made her some dinner before or after her school production, as I didn’t have time. So he turned it on me instead. Those couple of things is why I went a bit downhill mood wise last week. And over the weekend he was driving me to near insanity with his moaning and whinging and bitching while doing his online gaming. So wanted to go turn the power off! He just doesn’t get how annoying it is to listen to that crap for hours!

I rang the Mental Health Crisis Line last week, due to how desperate and in despair I had been feeling and had a good chat and they told me to ask my doctor to call them and arrange with a Psychiatrist there to have a phone consult and find some options for me anti-depressant wise. But I have heard nothing from my doctor, so don’t know if that has been actioned yet. I kind of get over asking for something to happen, time after time and still not getting any results. I have mentioned this 2 other times since to other doctors to try hurry it up. But it seems to just keep getting forgotten. Shit! Shouldn’t my mental health be important! I thought it should be high on the to do list.

Have lost a little bit of weight since getting the Jadelle out. About 1.4 kgs I think. Have been behaving on with my diet. And when I say diet, I’m not on a diet. It just means the way in which I am eating. As in, healthy diet and not eating crap.

I guess I’d better go, as I have my appointment in 35 minutes.

YAY! I can blog again!

So recently internet and phone was cut off and I could mostly handle no internet, as I could go on facebook and check emails on my phone, just couldn’t do much else. But the no phone bit, damn, that was not cool.

So, my thyroid has been playing up again and just awaiting blood test results. As when my thyroid function is under what it should be, I get symptoms similar to depression. I get the worst PMS! People, stay away from me when I’m having a bad day with my PMS, I tell you, I am evil! So can’t be fun to live with me. Poor Braiden, Sophie & Annabelle. So with my thyroid function being as it is, I get moody, depressed, tired, irritable, lose a lot of hair, have dull, crappy looking hair, skin looks like crap, I feel like crap and weight loss gets screwed with, even when I strictly stick to 20 gms of carbs a day. So in fact, some days when weight sound being falling off, it’s either not budging or adding on, not by much, but still. Formally when I’d done the atkins diet, before my thyroid problem, it worked wonderfully, and I got down to my desired size and weight quite soon. Not happening presently.

Did a bit of boredom eating last night, but not too badly. But the rest of the day I ate well.

Things are getting better with regards to some bills, but we still owe money to friends and family, so once that is paid, that’ll be a relief.

I feel really weighed down when we have debt that needs to be paid either now or soon. Makes me feel quite anxious and stressed.

On another subject. I like that I have at least 1 friend to visit. But I really wish people would come visit me. I know people love the comfort of their own homes, as do I. But it’s just a nice feeling when people want to come visit me.

I must admit, I’m not overly keen on Braiden’s parents sometimes or his sister. I get annoyed that they spend nearly all the time we spend at their place, on their computers and/or telling Annabelle not to touch everything. I mean, for goodness sake, you have grandchildren now who are young, adapt and child proof some! Instead of making us feel anxious about visiting. And maybe, just come visit for the hell of it and not when you want something.

Oh the family matter, I do really, really miss mine. They just live all over the place and I can’t afford to visit. Mum is in Australia, my older sis is in Auckland and my younger sis is in Nelson. It’s really hard for me having them so far away.

Oh and I still think certain people on Ohbaby are clique, but I’ve dropped the subject on there, but I still see the cliques and by some of the very people who get all defensive about it. One word HYPOCRITES! And I’ll admit, I had rather a laugh, when one of these people posted a whole page on their blog, about cliques! Hmm, so she says they don’t exist on Ohbaby forums, when I’m being picked on for saying so, then she writes a big post on her blog, that’s so hypocritical!

Back to the weight loss. I’ve only really lost 2.6 kgs since I’ve been trying to lose weight. But I guess when you are smaller, it is a bit more stubborn at leaving. Just, damn, can’t the weight stop disappearing from my boobs! I don’t want them any smaller! And man, can my thighs hurry up and lose some! They are huge! The problem is, when I have extra weight on, it’s not in proportion, so it’s more obvious and therefore, makes me feel crap about myself.

Ok, run out of things to say for now, need to go make myself some lunch…at nearly 2pm! Oops!

…um, yeah…so….

I have offended some people, as a result of my now deleted thread.

That was so not my intention. But I do understand how they may have taken things the way in which they have. Even though I tried my hardest to be considerate and tried my best…at times to word things appropriately. People still got hurt.

I guess, at the end of the day, I am not them, I can’t possibly predict how my words could be taken by others.

The fact is, perception, a big important thing. Is not acknowledged. We all live in ‘this’ world, but we do not all perceive the happenings in the same way. PERCEPTION…. very relevant thing. But we do not often realize, that ours(perception) is not the same as others. So we can not predict the possible outcome of expressing our observation/perception, on others.

So, while we try our best to be considerate and sensitive, we may indirectly offend. And, possibly, unfortunately(all depends on your perception), shit happens, people get hurt, or offended and though, not our intention, this just happens.

I am hoping I am making sense.

…sorry, have a few beers in me. My point is, you don’t need to be offended and it is your choice how it affects you. As at the end of the day, you control you, your feelings and reactions, not me.

So don’t even dare try and blame me for how you feel as a reaction. As, it is our choice, to react, or not. We at the end of the day, do control how we react. Even if we think we are out of control and own no control. Fact is, we do have much more control and ownership then we choose to acknowledge.

…think about that….

I’m friggen AWESOME! And by the way, so many of you ladies who read my blog are too! So don’t take this as me being arrogant or anything. See it as inspiration and a compliment too. As I think the same of you all. I think you are all friggen AWESOME too!

So, why am I so friggen awesome, you may ask?…

Because, I am decent, kind, caring, compassionate, non-judgemental, very importantly not at all clique! Understanding, open-minded, open to change, intelligent, in touch with my emotions(really in touch LOL!) and most importantly, different and unique!

Take my blonde and pink hair as an example of my uniqueness if you will. Cause, how many 30 something year olds do you know with blonde and pink hair?! It reminds my of some Eminem lyrics actually. “Why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think”. Ok, so he was taking the piss out of Pink, but who cares! Pink is friggen AWESOME!

I like different. Some of the music I prefer is evident of this. Like Eminem, Pink, Evanescense, Rihanna. LOVE Rihanna’s red hair!

I’m really not into acting my age and dressing appropriately. And eventually, I know I will get to a place, where I will not be so bothered by people’s opinions and want get into a big sulk and pity party if someone doesn’t like me.

But yeah, as you will all know, I HATE cliques! Wish I could get ride of them all. But I’m a Pisces and I’m into idealism and that’s just not reality. The world is not a lovely, happy, pleasant place. The world is falling apart and more and more people are becoming self-centred and self-serving.

Anyway, must go. Thankx for reading 🙂

So, on ohbaby, I once made a thread about cliquiness and social cliques, which so many were quick to say, was non-existent on that site. By the way, no offence to fellow ohbaby members. It’s not directed at those of you who read my blog, you’re all lovely!

I was at an ohbaby meet up today and I thought, I’ll just be open and friendly and if there are any cliques between people there or dislikes towards me, I’ll observe it and say nothing.

So, unfortunately, there was some cliques going on there. Or maybe just people who get on better. Sux that a couple aren’t keen on me as a person, being I started the meet up group. But I tried to talk to and interact with all the ladies there and it became apparent, at least of them have an issue with me. As they barely exchanged more then 1 word with me. So glad I brought my friend along, so I didn’t feel left out. I wasn’t leaving myself out, I was trying to interact as much as I could, while chasing Annabelle around and keeping Sophie happy. The majority there were fine, just 2 of them weren’t keen on me. It’s a bit sad, but really, it is their loss, not mine. I am proud of who I am and my personality and I know I am not one bit clique, I am completely open to everyone and friendly, kind, caring and an overall nice person. I’m not vain, I just know that I am decent.

Anyway, thankx to all of you who are my friends and whom I know and whom accept me, as I so appreciate you all for that 🙂

That’s all. Have a great day!

Ok, so note to self, make sure you NEVER run out of anti-depressants again!  Well to be honest, I did my best to avoid this.  I ordered the repeat online the day I ran out, so that the pills would be there for the next day and chemist was supposed to contact me and let me know when they were there.  So I had none yesterday…not a good plan!  I rang them this morning…”oh yes, we have them here on the shelf, sorry we forgot to contact you”.  I was like “ok, but I really needed them yesterday, as now I am really not coping”.

So yesterday, I was already starting to go downhill due to not having them.  Had lost my temper a few times and was experiencing some vertigo.

But today, well I lost the plot for about an hour or more.  I was getting super angry at the baby, because she was making changing her nappy absolute hell and then she was making getting her skirt on, just as much of a stress, if not more.  And then each time I’d attempt to feed her to get her to bed for her morning sleep, my older daughter kept yelling up the stairs or coming in and distracting her.  So I was really losing my tolerance.  I was just so mad!!!  I wanted to punch a hole in the wall and kick the shit out of parts of the house.  And when my older daughters was angering me, I wanted to throw my water bottle at her.  I just kept going between major anger and feeling really depressed.  I did look at my wrist at some point and thing…hmm..(I’m a self-harmer you see), but thankfully that desire passed.  I rang my partner at work to ask him to come home, as I was losing it and he could hear that, due to me yelling at the children.  But he said he can’t come home, as we can’t afford it.  Which, so didn’t help.  But what can you do.  He heard me calling my older daughter a bitch and swearing at her and told me to stop it and stop taking it out on her.  I was like, “ok, but I’m not coping”.  And was expressing how it pisses me off that his Mum nannies other people’s kids and only visits us if she’s over this way and never actually makes a special trip.  Which sux, as she lives like 15 mins away!  So eventually I had to get off the phone and let him go back to work.  After that, I went between anger and wanting to lash out and very depressive moods.  Ok, so not having breakfast, did not help, but I hadn’t had time.  I had to give my children breakfast and then attempt to get the baby to bed, so my energy was nearly non-existent.  My partner kept telling me on the phone to go eat and get my medication, but I was like, “no, my frame of mind is not good and I have no energy and I shouldn’t drive in this state”.  I simply had no motivation or energy to do anything but cry and lay on the bed.  I got quite worked up and when that happens I have a little bit of an anxiety attack and start coughing and feeling like I’m going to be sick.  I was like, yes, I need to ask for help, but I don’t have the guts and I don’t want to let anyone who can help, know I’m not coping.  I have a LOT of trouble asking for support and help in my most desperate times and that is not good.  The only person I trust enough to ask for help is my partner and due to our finances, he can’t afford to leave work.  Which sux, as like I said to him, I’m important too.  But yeah, we simply can’t afford for him not to do his hours.

Can I just say “Thank GOD for coffee!”.  If I didn’t have a coffee right now, I’d still be feelings super crap.

I really wanted to call someone and tell them I’m not coping and don’t want to move an inch and can they please go get my medication, but yeah, as I said, no energy or motivation to move, even out of my bedroom.

To be honest, the ladies from my first PND group, they were all like, we are all here to support each other and if you need to talk or anything, let us know.  And I would tell them when I wasn’t coping and that I needed company and they’d never have the time for me!  I think they are rude, well-off, snobby, clique bitches to be honest!  And because I am not well off and haven’t had their traumatic pregnancies, labours or births, they all seem to clique and relate and exclude me.  That is total fuck’n bull shit if you ask me!

Anyway, that’s my morning so far.  Helped to share.  I hope my day gets better, though I still have no motivation to leave the house.  And urgh, I have to get groceries today, which I hate!  Stresses me the hell out!