So I ended up being induced 7 days early, due to my declining mental health.

So I had baby Dylan on 1st August, 1:28pm, weighing 7 lbs 12 1/2 oz, at Wellington Hospital.

Oh my, induced labour, it was not pleasant. I actually found it quite traumatic. I had waters artificially ruptured and those contractions were bearable. But once they started me on the drip, the contractions steadily picked up the pace and intensity. I asked for an epidural once I knew I could not cope any longer on the gas and at this point contractions were 6 in 10 minutes and I was not getting much of a break between them. As I was using the gas, but as the contraction would peck, I could no longer handle the gas and was getting very distraught. But my midwife said to keep trying with the gas, which I was not happy about, as I knew I wasn’t coping. She turned off the drip and still contractions were coming just as often and strong. I was physically shaking, crying, panicky and just overcome with pain. Eventually she agreed to an epidural. So while the anesthetist was doing his big talk about the side effects, I was having unbearable contractions, wishing he could just hurry up his speech, which, yes, I know is protocol, but it’s just more time in pain to the women. Eventually it came time to get everything in place for the epidural and I was feeling relieved, knowing soon the pain would be over. But damn, the contractions were so bad. And then, suddenly just as he was about to put the epidural in, I suddenly needed to push and this was not ideal, as I was sitting on the side of the bed. Midwife said can I wait a few minutes and I was like “no, I need to push now!” So at speed my fiance and the midwife had to get me in a better position. Apparently I grabbed my fiance and pulled him towards me. I remember screaming in pain as I pushed the baby out. All this time, I thought I’d been given the epidural and was awaiting the pain relief kicking in and was wondering why it wasn’t. I had a 2nd degree tear and a PPH(postpartum hemorrhage) and lost 1 litre of blood. All these doctors and so on where all around me and I was effectively using the gas at this point, to cope with the discomfort of all they were doing. Every bit of pain I endured after having baby, felt like torture. So due to all this I had to stay in hospital overnight. My body was so over everything and the blood lost, that the hospital midwife the next day hardly even got a teaspoon of blood, to test my iron. Apparently this is a normal reaction when you’ve had quite a bleed. The body refuses to give up anymore blood and here I was, telling her I was good for taking blood. Obviously I didn’t know how losing that much blood effects the body.

So yeah, that was the labour and birth. Which I had to try not to think about, as every time I did, I’d get panicked and cry uncontrollably.

My mental health has been really bad since I had the baby. Due to the sleep deprivation and all I went through, the joy and excitement I expected to feel wasn’t there. Just a sense of fear and despair. I have spent much of the last few days distraught at times in tears and being so upset I nearly vomit. How I feel at these times, is that I don’t want my life anymore and yes, at sometimes a bit suicidal. Often I just wish I could runaway from it all. But I would miss my family and it’s not fair on anyone. Often I feel like, I want things back the way the used to be, with just 2 kids. And then I feel like shit for thinking like this. I fear how I will cope once my fiance is back at work.

I am having such a issue with sleep. As being so sleep deprived the first few days, seems to have screwed with my body. So I will try with no success for upto 5 hours to get to sleep and just can’t. And I will try and sleep when baby is asleep and just can’t. So I get very little sleep once I get to sleep. Like 90 minutes the first time last night and then maybe 2 hours from when baby went to sleep a 2nd time. And it took me 2 or 3 hours to get him back to sleep. Which takes it’s toll and I end up distraught. So I have maybe had 6 hours sleep in 3 days I think.

I find the lady from Community Mental Health really annoying. She rung to see how things are and I was in tears and explaining everything and she has no compassion. Just keeps telling I shouldn’t hold on to the thoughts and pretty much I should not let myself go to those places in my mind. She just rubs me up the wrong way. I need support and tenderness and compassion. I do not need to be made to feel my feelings aren’t valid or like I’m to blame for my depression. Which honestly, I rate as severe. I have no felt this low ever.

A lot of the time I just want to hide from the world and isolate myself permanently. I don’t want to do anything, go anywhere and I just want to be left alone. Even going to the supermarket made me feel panicked and I was walking around the supermarket, holding back the tears.

I’ve added a picture now of my latest addition.

So that’s my story regarding the last week.