Tag Archive: facade


So I realized I haven’t done much posting since I moved to Nelson. And it’s not because I have been busy, I think it is because I have been feeling quite unmotivated and depressed lately.

The constant criticism from my fiance seemed to increase even more since my last post. To being several times a day, despite me saying to him that he really needs to stop it.

A few days ago I vented on facebook on my profile about the way he was being, as well as admitting I have not being doing so great with my mental health lately. And the majority of my friends are supportive and caring. But this one person who I know and who was in my friends on there, decided she would take the opportunity in response to my post, to straight out insult and attack me, on my profile! She really should have showed some respect and compassion and done it via private message, not on my profile. And it did not stop at that 1 nasty post either. My real friends who support me, posted in response suggesting that if she were of that low opinion she should have shared that with me privately and that clearly she does not know me and is not a real friend or she would realize how untrue everything she had written was. So I thought, ok, I do not need this crap, but I will give my real friends an opportunity to put her in her place before I deleted her. And I was out most of the next day and logged in later in the evening to find she had written 3 more lengthy, insulting posts. My Mum responded by telling her how disgusting she was being with her posts and she then insulted my mother! I was wanting to respond to her posts, but was trying to consider how to word my response without stooping to her level and while remaining respectful and mature in my response. And eventually I responded politely. Then she informs me at least 3 of my friends actually messaged her congratulating her for her post. I responded by putting a post on my profile saying whomever that was needs to remove themselves as my friend, as clearly they are not a real friend. I deleted and blocked this nasty person and removed all her nasty posts and that felt a lot better. But I so did not need to be attacked like that. This person basically said in her post, that it is my fault I am depressed and that she is sick of reading my vents/posts about my depression, that I am negative and have a poor me attitude and that I have always been like that.

Clearly she does not know me. As, yes, I did used to be like that from my late teens and through much of my 20’s. But since my 30’s I have been quite the opposite and I have actually been optimistic and hopeful. Yes I have bouts of depression varying in intensity. But I am not to blame for my depression and my bouts.

I have been feeling pretty crap lately. I feel as if PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) is possibly part of the reason. My dreams have been horribly vivid and the content of them has been really getting to me. I keep staying up really late to avoid sleep and the potential dreams. I hate it when this becomes an increasingly frequent problem. I hate dreading sleep. I am feeling a bit spacey to be honest. And I do not have my 1st appointment with mental health here until the 31st of this month. And I remember from the last time there was a significant length of time without being under a mental health team, back when I moved to Wainuiomata, that this is not great for my mental health. I end up feeling quite vulnerable and uneasy. Another thing that leads me to believe PTSD is a problem is when I was discussing what happened with my son’s birth with my friend. The feelings that came up when typing what happened were not pleasant. I definitely agree there is still a need for me to get some therapy to help resolve these things. I am sick of being fearful of sleeping and dreaming. The dreaming or lead up to falling asleep feels quite scary and I feel quite anxious and panicked about it.

On something different. I keep thinking about when my older daughter is living back with me, well here’s hoping that happens, and I feel nervous. As CYFS(child, youth & family) with all they have said about me and the lack of confidence they express in me, as well as my daughter’s father’s family, has really shaken my confidence. And from what I know of others in this situation, it is not abnormal that these dealing with CYFS often result in greatly effecting your confidence in your parenting. This process with CYFS has drawn out for so long and it is really taxing.

Man I feel low and depressed. I feel like my fiance doesn’t even pay attention to how I am feeling/doing. And I have been putting up this facade around a lot of people that I am doing well, when I really am not. Like I have probably said before, I end up feeling like my friends and family might just be sick of this already and that makes it harder for me to admit when I am struggling. Plus there is also the part of me that worries if I admit to it CYFS will find out.

The good thing about me being open and honest with some people about my depression, is that a friend I have reconnected with who lives in Nelson also told me she suffers from a lot of what I do. And another friend of mine from Nelson suffers from some of what I do and she came and visited the other day, which was really great, as I needed some social contact.

It’s a pity there are no mental health groups here like they have in Wellington on the Meet Up website.

I think I may have PMS at the moment. As the last 2 days I have been extremely moody and on edge emotionally. Gah, I hate being a female sometimes!

Man, currently I feel numb. I do not know why. Maybe it is the 1 beer I had, who knows. Or maybe it is just my reaction to how I am feeling currently.

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Facade

Well, I’ll admit, though I knew the word facade, I didn’t actually know how to spell it. I spent a good few minutes trying to write it, how it sounded, but in the end, had to go to good old google and type it into an online dictionary to find out.

I found it an appropriate word to describe what many of us do. We put up a false facade. A facade that says, all is good, everything is fine, I am coping.

…when…reality is, we are not.

Earlier I rung the mental health 0800 number and I am actually really glad I called the mental health number and had a chat to them.

They pretty much, acknowledged what most men don’t. Which is that, our job as Mum’s(whether full-time or part-time) is very exhausting and draining, in many ways. Such as emotionally, physically and in general. And that we do A LOT for our children/child. And often get no acknowledgement for that.

That the way I have been feeling, is very common among mothers. From what they hear again and again, from mothers who will admit to not coping and don’t put up the facade that all is well.

That the anxiety and exhaustion and general feeling of being SO over it all, is not uncommon either.

That we DO need time out from our mothering duties.

I so wanted to cry while I was talking to her. As so much of what she was saying hit home and was so true and exactly how I was feeling, even though I didn’t know so at the time.

This is something I felt inspired to write after thinking about this all and having this chat earlier.

“Do not put a facade up, that all is well, when it’s truly not.

Tell someone if you are in pain emotionally.

Reach out.

You’ll be glad you did, no matter how hard that first step is”

Yeah, so I’d say, that describes me somewhat. I sometimes, though not realizing it. Put up a facade. Because, I get so over the not coping. I spent so much time in Annabelle’s first year or so, not coping and not feeling so shit hot. So naturally, I do not welcome those, not so positive feelings. I want to be rid of them. I don’t want them as part of my life.

I got desperate a few weeks ago and took 2 whole anti-depressants! Yeah that’s kind of a piss take. As 2 anti-depressants is actually a normal dose for most people. 2-3 I have heard. Yet I used to only be on 1. But that’s not my point. The point was, I was just not coping and snappy and anxious and generally over feeling so crap. So I felt desperate and took them. Thinking, well they might not be so bad, they’ll calm me down at least. And maybe, the side effects won’t be so bad.

…yeah, nah!!!

Those innocent 2 tablets. Though they did calm me down. They also made me extremely nauseous and I threw up everything I ate for 2 days and the exhaustion they caused, lasted a whole week! So yeah, not going down that road again!

It’s because I’d run out of my trusty 30 Plus tablets a few weeks ago and couldn’t afford anymore. So I was left to cope with myself, without any form of medication.

So yeah, also not keen to let myself run out of the 30 Plus tablets again. As, unfortunately, no matter how good my attitude or health or diet, I still seem to go back to not coping so well.

Gah, I hate it! I hate that I still manage to get back to that place I so hate. I so don’t like being in that place. Could be worse though. It’s not like I’m anything like I was when I suffered with severe PND. I am much better in so many ways in comparison.

It just totally sux, that I have a really good day, one day and then the next, I feel like that.

It’s not totally school holidays to blame. Though it partly is. For some reason, I come unhinged around the school holidays. I think it’s just maybe something that happens, slowly, over a period of months and that happens to coincide with school holidays. So it’s not the school holidays, but the extra demands on me during the school holidays just effect my ability to cope. As there’s more required of me then.

Apparently the constant fatigue I have may not in fact be any medical condition. …Unless you call being a full time Mum a medical condition LOL! Apparently it’s a normal state to dwell in if you are a Mum.

And an update on the weight loss/diet. That’s going…ok…I guess. I have been a bit unhealthy with my diet lately and totally slack on the exercise front.

I wonder if I might be doing that unconscious self-sabotaging again. As I got to within 2 kgs of my goal weight and seem to have gone a bit inconsistent on it all again and gained a little. But to be fair, not a lot. Only 1.9kgs over my lowest weight so far.

I dunno, maybe it’s just me feeling a little relaxed, due to feeling a bit more ok about my body. Maybe it’s not such a bad thing.

That’s all for now. I have no idea if anyone still has time to read my blog, but hey. At least it’s here if it wants to be read and at least I’m getting stuff off my chest. Which is good for me anyway.