Well, my baby boy is nearly 1 year old! In just 3 days it’s his 1st birthday. Exciting! He is such a cutie!

So, my fiance recently got a job through the temp agency here, so has been back working again since last Thursday. So I am once again a Stay at Home Mum. Which I am proud of. I am actually finally doing the job I wish I had been able to do the last nearly 12 months.

I feel I am doing well with it. I have discovered though, the importance of getting enough sleep. As the first day I had not got enough sleep the night before and by 1:30pm I was nearly falling asleep, which I could not allow to happen, as I had to look after my 11 month old and my 4 year old alone. I found myself more grumpy due to being tired. So I made a point of getting to bed earlier that night.

Today was a little hard, as I was tired again and I haven’t done any socializing for over a week, so I have been feeling the effects in the manifestation of increased feelings of depression. So for a brief amount of time, maybe about 20 minutes I felt like I couldn’t cope and I was not a good enough parent. Though this is not true, I was just having a lapse of faith in myself and confidence. After about half an hour I snapped out of this pit of depression and was feeling better.

I guess today was hard, because my 4 year old was nagging me for who knows how long, about using my computer and despite her continual asking, as I told her, the answer would not going to changing from “no”. And my baby likes to have these little tantrums and he lies on the floor and has a whinge. I was feeling quite tired today and lacking a bit of energy, because I vomited a fair bit this morning, due to over indulging in Whittaker’s new Hundreds & Thousands chocolate.

Also, I have been feeling pretty shit lately, due to the fact I know I have gained weight and that was confirmed, just how much, when I weighed myself. I have gained 5kgs and I’m not happy about that. And when I look at my body naked, I do not like what I see. Most of the weight is on my belly, then my thighs and arms. I have nobody to blame for this but myself. I go through these periods of eating junk and getting into a habit of doing this and then I am snapped back to reality when my clothes get tighter and then I weigh myself. So now I need to try and get back to healthy eating.

It’s this ongoing battle of mine. I have this love of sweet foods, yet I want to fit my old clothes again. But the bad food tastes so good! And it is hard to ignore those sweet treats and SO easy to make excuses.

It is likely not helping my mental health though. As for 1, putting crap into my body has a negative effect of my mental health and 2, some of my feelings around my body image worsen my depression.

My fiance asked why I am so angry today. I just ignored the question and didn’t answer. As I was just feeling over it and depressed and could not be bothered explaining.

Man, I really hate when I have those severe bouts in my depression, even if just for 20 minutes, where I feel hopeless and discouraged.

So, I know I am going directly against the recommendations of Wellington CYFS(child, youth & family), with not having my baby in daycare. But they are no longer in a position to enforce that with us living in Nelson. And also, I know for this to be enforced, a CYFS social worker would have to put it through the family court, which requires proof of a child/baby being in ‘immediate need of care and protection’. Which would mean, I would have had to have been abusive or neglectful to him, which I have never been. So it would not go anywhere. This is why nothing has even been put through the family court. As the family court needs concrete evidence. Whereas, the FGC(family group conference) can go by hearsay and does not act with any basis in evidence or proof.

The fact is, I am coping and I can cope with the ‘day to day care’ of my baby and my 4 year old.

I knew it would be hard moving here and not having many friends. But it is damn hard! I am trying to talk a friend of mine who lives in Wellington, into moving here. And I do have another good friend who I have known since I was about 13 and who lived in Nelson when I did, moving down here very soon. So hopefully I can find a way to be more social.

I must admit, I am a bit shy about getting out there and meeting others. As I am in an extremely cliquey and snobby suburb. But hopefully I can get past this and in time meet new people.

I should probably head to bed soon.

I have managed to get my sleep medication(Quetiapine) back down to 50mgs, which is quite an achievement. As at times I was even having issues with the 100mgs and having to take 2 to 3 times that dose. I am thinking I will try 25mgs tonight and see if I have success with that. As I am finding with even the 50mgs, I am still having trouble waking and feeling fatigued upon waking.

Oh, I seem to have improved the ant situation, after it getting to it’s worse on the weekend. And when I say worse, I mean I came home in the evening and there were ants all over the outside of the cupboard and inside the cupboard! It was the honey attracting them, so I have removed it. But gosh, those ants got my anxiety levels going crazy!

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