I’m not sure which year has been the worst for me so far. As last year definitely had some horrible times. But this year, life has thrown some pretty unpleasant stuff my way.

Especially in the money area. I worry about how we will afford groceries and/or petrol each week. I’m sensible when I do buy groceries and save money in whatever ways I can. But there’s unfortunately no way around the cost of babies formula, as it is one of the more expensive things. On special it’s just under $17 and usual price is between $21-$23 depending where you go.

Still, I am being left with too much expectations and not enough support. As things that either require my fiance’s input or things he should really be doing, are being left to me. And whenever I mention this, he doesn’t respond or help more. Like things such a looking into how many hours childcare we need for our baby, once my fiance goes back to work. How my fiance will get to work and back. And what position that leaves us in financially. As well as, how many hours my fiance needs to go back for.

With my moods being how they are, this makes things even harder for me. As my moods get very bipolar(I’m not bipolar, but that’s the best way to describe them). Like, Monday, I felt ok for half the day and the other half, I felt quite the opposite. It all gets too much. And I feel like I want to scream. And I feel like I want to call some kind of mental health support to talk things out and vent, but I have lost faith in CMH(community mental health), my case manager and the mental health crisis line. They do not get concerned about concerning thoughts I have and they don’t seem to do anything for me.

If I told my fiance how I feel about him sometimes, he would not like what I have to say. Which is, that a lot of the time I just want to leave him and the baby and just live with my daughters.

It’s no surprise that I am SO over his gaming. He places too much time and energy into it.

It’s no surprise I’m not happy with his family, especially his parents. I mentioned to his sister that I wasn’t very happy about the fact her parents hadn’t taken either of the kids for about 3 weeks and she said “oh, but Mum’s been really tired”. To which I replied “that might be the case, but she could have at least text us and let us know if they couldn’t take the kids”. And reminded her, that the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review is in just over a month.

I feel like yelling at them and saying “how are you going to explain your lack of support at the FGC?! As CYFS don’t excuse petty excuses. And if it was said that you would support us by helping with the kids, that means exactly that. And CYFS will want to know why, after us moving here for better support, why it’s dropped off so quickly” and also “do you forget how much I am struggling with my mental health and how vital this support is? Or are you simply too selfish to care?!”

Seriously, my family are an awesome example of unconditional love and support and selflessness. I am proud to have them as my family and that is why I am really looking forward to moving back to Nelson. As I miss them SO much.

I don’t know why my fiance is being the way he is lately. And whenever I talk to him about it, he just tries to distract from the subject.

I felt something really unpleasant the other day. When I was filling out a form, I had to write about my daughters(the nearly 4 year old) siblings and I felt weird writing that she has a brother. Like, an unpleasant feeling, acknowledging him. This I know is not a normal way to feel. But I recognized the feeling at least, even if it wasn’t pleasant. This highlights to me, even more, the need for therapy. As clearly if I am feeling things like that, there are some major issues that need addressing.

I’m trying not to think too much about the FGC review next month. As I have enough stressing me and I probably shouldn’t be using my time to worry and stress about that. As I don’t want to get worked up and distressed like I did when the original FGC was coming up.

I’ve been feeling quite jumpy again lately. Paranoid about sounds, thinking it’s an earthquake. Becoming very easily startled. And I keep feeling like the ground is moving under me. Not liking this. And my crazy cat, decided to suddenly bolt at full speed through the house last night and the sound of her doing that, made me jump, my heart go nuts and made me think the sound was a big earthquake coming. Damn hyper vigilance and catastrophizing!

Right, better go find something to do. Thanks for reading.

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