Well, I have 2 more tattoos.  One I have in another of my go-to self-harm areas.  It is the word H.O.P.E as an anagram.  Which is Hold On Pain Ends.  Which I think is a really great little anagram and something I need to remember.  The other one is a My Little Pony.  Simply because I am rather obsessed with My Little Ponies.

Where things are at in other parts of my life.  Well I have talked to someone about getting Grief Counselling finally.  So I am waiting to hear back once I have been assigned someone.

Something I recently learnt was that my friend’s suicide would likely have not happened if he wasn’t in the relationship he was in when he did that.  Just hearing someone else agree with that thought I myself had about things, was quite validating and has at least helped a small amount.  But no doubt, I still miss my friend a lot.  I just really miss not having the little moments of joy or celebration to share with him.  There are so many things I naturally would share with him, but now can not.

I have my wedding to look forward to, which is a nice little positive.  And now that I have more things paid for, I am feeling less stressed and more excited.

I am quite annoyed with myself for being half-arsed about my diet.  I mean I do eat mostly healthy, but I think I allow myself treats too much.  And I need to get out of this cycle of gaining what I do manage to lose.  I would like to get to my goal size and try and stay there.  I am really discouraged and depressed by how my body looks.  At least I am happy with my hair at present.  Though I prefer it when it’s straightened.  At least I can enjoy my tattoos.

I have become really good friend’s with someone I knew through the friend’s group that I am on, on Facebook.  That was the group which allowed me to reconnect with my friend Nevil.  He’s my friend that committed suicide.  Anyway,my new friend, Cherie, she was friend’s with Nevil as well.  And her, like Nevil and I, has been through similar hell with regards to Mental Health.  So she is someone, like Nevil, who I can be REAL with and knowing she truly get’s it.  Which is very important to me.  Since she is someone I care about I wanted to do something nice for her.  As I think it is really important to let your friend’s know they are special to you and cared about and that it is important to help them feel encouraged when things don’t feel so awesome.  So I got her one of these necklace’s: http://www.zazzle.co.nz/always_remember_pendant-177891982436034368.  I wouldn’t mind getting something similar as a poster or print for myself if I can find it.  I was so happy when she received it and told me how much she loved it.  Thing’s like that are priceless.

Mood wise, sometimes I feel like I am doing better.  But I do still have a hard time coping with stress. Having a friend who I know enjoys my company and whose company I enjoy is something nice.  I missed not having that when I lost my friend.  As I value friendships like that highly and when I lost my friend, I lost that.  So it is good to have a decent friend in the same city as me again.

With my Quetiapine I have been needing to take more.  But the downside to that is the hangover effect in the mornings.  That is one thing I really dislike about Quetiapine.  And I so do not enjoy how often I have messed up dreams.  So wish that crap would stop.

I feel a lot of shame and guilt about having been really quite reckless with my inheritance.  I mean I know I can’t change the past, but I just feel like I have really failed my late Grandma in how stupidly I have burnt through the money.

I was feeling quite shit a few weeks back and asked my fiance why he bothers to stay.  He always replies with don’t be silly.  I always feel a lot of guilt for what he has to put up with, with being with me.

I have been feeling quite annoyed with him a lot lately.  He seems to get certain things done upstairs in the evening and even during the day and he just pisses off downstairs to his computer most of the time.  Sometimes I feel so angered by it!  Like tonight I wanted to friggen smash hole in the walls due to how fucked off I felt.  But I didn’t because I don’t want to scare the kids.  It’s not cool though.  It makes me feel even more alone and unsupported.  I mean granted, he does a lot for me and puts up with a lot.  But I don’t like feeling so alone at home.

My parents just moved back to Nelson from Australia yesterday.  So I am super glad to have them back in NZ and close again.

I’m feeling tired, so I think I should take my meds and get some sleep.  Thanks for reading.  Night.

Advertisements