Tag Archive: discontent


I couldn’t really think of a title more suitable to my life at present.

I am basically living a double life. And it is not as exciting as it sounds. It is quite stressful to be honest.

I have been living this double life for maybe 2 months. I am not entirely sure.

There is 1 part of me that is living life as I truly want to. And the other part of me is just faking it, putting on a facade, maintaining the status quo. That other part of me is not really living, it is more just going through the motions and on auto-pilot. So yeah, that is my life at present.

Basically the gist of it is, I am staying in a relationship/marriage I am no longer invested in, nor happy in, nor committed to. And that is most definitely living a lie.

Why? Because I do not know how to end it. Simply because I am a compassionate, caring and empathetic person and I am aware my husband does want this relationship/marriage and I worry how he will react. And if I am to be honest, I am also scared of how he will react.

I have tried nearly everything I could think of to try and push him to be the one to end it. But no matter what I do he still stays and keeps trying. And I do not want to try. I am over being in this relationship/marriage. Which is pretty shocking, as I have only been married for 4 months. But I can not keep living a lie and staying in a relationship/marriage I am not invested in, that I no longer want, that does not make me happy and just does not fit ME anymore.

All of this is probably not doing my mental health any great favours. I feel numb currently. I also feel torn. As it really is not fair on me to keep dragging this on, just because there are so many uncertainties and so many unanswered questions. And I guess it is not really fair on my husband just dragging it on for his sake.

I have been doing a lot of unhealthy things since December some time. Things like inhaling Ritalin once and on a different occasion taking a tab of Acid. Smoking Marijuana a few times. Drinking a lot. Though all of that has ceased now.

During my Acid trip I thought it a good idea to go swimming in my underwear, which was not such a huge deal, but having my keys on me, which ended up wet and stuffing my alarm remote, was not wise. And neither was doing a whole lot of donuts and a few burnouts. That resulted in a few days later, my clutch blowing to bits. So for a while I did not have my car. But thankfully we have 2 cars, so I used the other one.

I have been befriending people on Facebook that my Mother does not approve of.

I have also learned a few new and interesting things about myself during these last few months.

I have through encouragement of a very cool, skilled and multi-talented person, decided to try learn some Hula Hoop skills.

My hair is currently bright pink and dark blue, which I am loving. I will add a picture for you all to see 🙂

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I also got my tongue pierced. Which is something I had been wanting to do for a while.

I am rather addicted to Chuppa Chups.

My weight loss is going ok. I am finally under 70kgs. The last time I weighed myself I was 68.9kgs.

I am quite sure that my parents and younger sister thoroughly disapprove of me lately.

My oldest daughter is down at the moment, so that is quite nice.

I am unsure if there was anything else I wanted to add to this post. But I know I am definitely feeling very conflicted.

Thankx for reading and following 😀

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Support

The lady from mental health crisis line was asking me about it. As in, do I have much support.

Well, honestly, if it’s support I can access, honestly and fearing non-judgement. No I do not have any such support close by anyway.

I have a supportive few people at a distance, as in, other parts of NZ or at least an hour or so away.

But I don’t feel I have support that is there whenever I might need to call on it.

Only such thing is those helplines you can call.

Not an actual person I can go see.

I have friends who are supportive. But their lives have become quite busy more recently and they are not always available or in a position to be there for me.

There are people I can text or chat to online when they are available. I have 1 friend who lives a good hour away. And the other, well she lives in Christchurch and I can only call in the evenings.

I do not feel that supported at home. I feel I am expected to do too much. Though I do get some support. As in, my fiance helps gets the kids up and fed in the morning and cooks dinner at night. But on the weekend, when I’d love to just try relax, I am expected to do everything still.

He makes me feel, by his attitude that he thinks my role is easy. And because he works hard, I need to appreciate that, which I do by the way and I tell him that.

He thinks I have it easy. Though I tell him, no, it’s not just physically draining, but mentally draining too.

People say, tell him how you feel. Which I do. Doesn’t change anything.

I tell him, if just once, I could get some appreciation or acknowledgement for what I do, do, that would be great.

I don’t need to hear it often. But I do need to hear it. I do need to feel appreciated and I need it to be acknowledged. Instead of brushed off like it’s nothing. Like it’s so easy.

Clearly, it’s not SO easy.

If it were, I wouldn’t lose the plot several times a year.

It is draining going between, anger, depression, despair, discontent and frustration. Getting through it all and then going through it again and again.

I’m not like every bloody, body else!

I don’t cope, where others might. I can’t just snap my fingers and be all better and just snap out of these down times.

I do need support. Practical support, emotional support. I need to feel supported!

I don’t have family anywhere near me and that leaves a big gap/void.

I do all I can to try access support and put myself in positions to gain support, but it’s still lacking.

It has been very hard for me recently. As I had been sick and drained and in pain for near 2 weeks. And that has taken it’s toll on my mental health. Which is understandable. I mean, when you are less then 100% health wise for a significant period, it will take it’s toll.

I haven’t had social interaction in 2 weeks or more. And that has been bloody hard. But I was tired and unwell, so I wasn’t exactly up to going and visiting anyway. Though a visit would’ve been nice.

As you will know if you read my blog. Too little social interaction = Kelly getting depressed.

Today, I was so over everything.

I may be anti self harm and discourage that option. But in all honestly, that thought did cross my mind. Only reason I didn’t act on it, was lack of energy and thankfully that means lack of motivation. Which meant, I couldn’t be bothered getting anything sharp to inflict pain.

I was feeling frustrated and angry and so over everything and wanted to go around and kick walls and such. But my fiance was home and I didn’t want him hassling me/judging me for losing the plot.

I want to get away. I want time out. I want time away. But, I actually have no-where I could go to escape anyway.

As in, I usually like to go to a friends. But in the evenings, that’s not really a possibility. Because my friends have kids too and are generally having family time. Lucky them, they have happy family lives.

And I end up isolated, due to feeling like, if I do leave the house too often or for a bit, my fiance is going to have a sulk about it.

Now that’s not very supportive, is it?!

That’s all I have to say tonight. Need sleep.

What’s been happening lately. Hmm, well I got the Jadelle out last week, so am now contraception free and hopefully that will improve several areas of my life. Such as, weight, moods, monthly cycle and my skin. That nearly didn’t happen though. Which would’ve kind of pushed me over the edge a tad. What annoyed me was, I decided to make an appointment at my doctor, so I didn’t have to wait 2-3 weeks for an appointment at FPA. So I was willing to accept the higher price by going to my doctor. As I was desperate to get it out. So when they rang me the day of my appointment and cancelled my appointment, I was about to just lose it. As I was just so over letdowns and I just could not handle another. I just pretty much said to the nurse, I’m so over being let down and disappointed and explained how I’d just recently been dealing with the muck up over the operation that wasn’t in fact happening and that if I wanted to wait another 2-3 weeks, I’d have gone to FPA and saved $30, but I was desperate to get the Jadelle out and explained all the side effects and eventually she had some compassion and found an emergency appointment for me. But while I was on hold, I will admit I was having a little cry. As at that point, my appointment was still cancelled with no hope of a sooner one.

I was just kind of very over so much in general. As my tooth had been causing me agony more regularly last week and then another tooth broke. Plus my iron was too low, due to having my monthly twice in 2 weeks, not to mention 2 bouts of PMS. So I was really, really over shit. Admittedly I did quite desperately want to self-harm at least twice, but thankfully I didn’t. Which I am proud of. As feeling so low and desperate is a place I do not like to be in.

Went to an Anxiety and other Mental Illnesses meet up last weekend. That was really good. I made a point of organizing it myself, as I’d not found one to go to for months and I was desperate to be around more like-minded people. So it was nice chatting away with everyone there and connecting.

Of late, I have really been making a point of speaking my mind about things. But in a totally positive way.

It’s school holidays at the moment. And if anyone follows my blog, they will know I don’t really enjoy this period. As I can usually cope the first week, but by the 2nd week, I’m kind of losing the plot. Though I do my best to make sure I get out and socialize or at least have people over to visit. As if I don’t, I’d kind of lose it I think. It’s harder these days to keep cool, as my toddler is very, very testing now, more so then usual. And that’s not a fun stage. And my older girl tends to get bored and ask for food continually. When will she work out the damn difference between boredom and hunger?! Grr! At least I have something to do some of the the mornings this week. Though not fun things really. Yesterday I had to go to dentist and get a quote. So that’ll be $755 I have to go ask Winz for. Today I have an appointment with my Psychologist, the last of my 6 free sessions. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Winz to apply for help with dentist bill. Here’s hoping my toddler behaves and that the appointment is as fast as possible. As it’s never a fun process going to Winz with her. As she just won’t stay put. And on Thursday there in the Annual October Buggy Walk, which should be fun. Hopefully someone will go with me. As it’s kind of lame by yourself. On Saturday I have a 1 year old birthday to go to. So it’s just a matter of filling in the afternoons.

I actually like not having too much structure in my weeks. As it leaves me free to have a life. As I find some people have expectations that, because I have a toddler, I should be going to all these things… but these things, they all cost money. Plus, I like to avoid anywhere that has potential cliques. As I hate them with a vengeance and as a Mum, you see a lot of cliques. Don’t have time for that crap. I find it highly immature and what’s so laughable about it, is the age of these cliquey Mums. Let’s just say, they are old enough to know better. Usually in the 20’s or mid-30’s or even 40’s. It’s like, shit, we’re back in high school! That’s why it’s laughable. As I’m 33 and I will never be in a clique or be in the slightest bit cliquey. I am proud to say I’m a quality person like that and I am proud that I would never stoop to that. But I guess, I never have, even in high school. I was the type to be hassled by the cliquey types. Why can’t we all just get along?! In an ideal world we world. Status, income, popularity and all that other crap wouldn’t matter. But oh well, there are clearly some screwed up people out there, who weren’t taught to treat others as they wish to be treated. Who build themselves up by tearing others down. Who see differences as a negative, instead of something to embrace. Oh I feel so sorry for those sad individuals. How fun it must be to be them…not! I am very proud, that despite what shit I may have been through in my life, I still have remained relatively the same, morals wise and ideals wise.

On a totally different subject. Damn my cats kittens are cute!

Do you ever just feel really bored with your life? Like it’s the same shit different day? I must admit I do a lot. Especially on the weekends and in the evening. Find myself at a loss as to what to do. Everything just gets so boring. I’ll just be sitting there going, what to do, what to do. Part of the problem might be my fiancé. He seems to not get that maybe I am a bit over looking after the kids all week and that eventually that wears you down and you need to get out of the house. He’s too busy thinking poor me about being left home with the kids and how he works so hard and deserves a break. Yeah sure, he works hard and deserves a break. But so do I! It’s like, what I do, doesn’t seem significant to him and it’s like my duty as the Mum is SO easy. I often stay around home just to keep him from having a sulk. And yeah, sometimes when I leave the house, I don’t come back for hours. Which often isn’t my intention, to be out for that long, but sometimes time flys. And it sux to be out somewhere, not being able to relax properly, cause you know he’s sulking. It’s not my fault he has no social life! It’s not my responsibility! If you want to have a social life, you need to put yourself in positions to meet new people. That’s what I did. I had to. If I didn’t I’d have lost the plot long ago and be much worse off mental health wise. I had to make new friends and put in the effort to maintain my friendships for my sanity. And recently, it became evident how little he thinks I do. He was having a whinge at me for cleaning up a little in the morning, instead of helping out with Annabelle(our toddler) and was going on about how I never help in the morning and I was like, what?! I helped the day before. And then he’s going on about, well how do I know you do anything for her during the day? I was like, are you serious?! Clearly I do, she is feed, nappy changed, happy. And he’s like, well how do I know if you don’t tell me? I’m like, well you don’t come home to a starving child with a nappy that’s never been changed now do you?! I was like seriously, you really don’t get how much I do! And the day before, he was telling me I was being a bad Mum to my older daughter because I couldn’t go make her dinner. Which was because I had major stomach pain and was tired as hell and he was like, stop lying to get out of things. I friggen wasn’t! I think it was him just being a jerk because I was upset he’d not made her some dinner before or after her school production, as I didn’t have time. So he turned it on me instead. Those couple of things is why I went a bit downhill mood wise last week. And over the weekend he was driving me to near insanity with his moaning and whinging and bitching while doing his online gaming. So wanted to go turn the power off! He just doesn’t get how annoying it is to listen to that crap for hours!

I rang the Mental Health Crisis Line last week, due to how desperate and in despair I had been feeling and had a good chat and they told me to ask my doctor to call them and arrange with a Psychiatrist there to have a phone consult and find some options for me anti-depressant wise. But I have heard nothing from my doctor, so don’t know if that has been actioned yet. I kind of get over asking for something to happen, time after time and still not getting any results. I have mentioned this 2 other times since to other doctors to try hurry it up. But it seems to just keep getting forgotten. Shit! Shouldn’t my mental health be important! I thought it should be high on the to do list.

Have lost a little bit of weight since getting the Jadelle out. About 1.4 kgs I think. Have been behaving on with my diet. And when I say diet, I’m not on a diet. It just means the way in which I am eating. As in, healthy diet and not eating crap.

I guess I’d better go, as I have my appointment in 35 minutes.