So, I got a semi-colon tattoo last week.  Here’s a photo.

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I made a point of getting 1 a little different to the usual one’s.

My wedding day is fast approaching. It’s 36 days away!  I ended up having to buy a different wedding dress.  As being the original one had a broken zip, I had never actually tried it on done up.  So anyway, I went in to the clothing alteration place last week to see about getting the zip fixed and put the dress on to see what other adjustments needed to be made and that is when I found out it was a bit too small.  As in a 17cm gap.  So being that is quite a few cm’s to shed, I decided it would be wiser to get a wedding dress that fits.  So I went to Savemart and got a gorgeous one for $150 and it fits perfectly.  Also it is gorgeous as!  So that is a positive.  I did have to buy some different jewellery though to suit the new dress.  But thankfully I managed to get it on sale, so it was quite well discounted.  So now I don’t need to stress myself out about getting to my goal weight in such a short time.  I do still want to get to my goal weight, but I don’t need to stress about achieving it asap.

I have braved the checking of my bank balance and it is going down fast.  Thankfully I don’t have much left to pay for.  I just need to still pay for the Wedding Certificate application, which I will aim to pay this week hopefully.  And the photography and the suit hire.

My grief counselling starts tomorrow.  So I have no idea what to expect with that.

I find myself believing this delusion that my friend who committed suicide is still around and like he’s just on holiday and I am unable to see him.  But that is probably a part of the denial stage of the grief process.

The other night my fiance went off at me for bitching at him for pissing off downstairs without telling me and leaving me with the kids.  As he only came upstairs when I had yelled at our 2 year old a couple of times.  He feels like he never gets a break and that I am unjustified in being pissed off for him having 45 minutes to himself with his computer.  Granted he may be right on some level.  But I feel like he just ignores the fact I am still having a hard time with my mental health and that I am still not coping very well in general.  He did say some quite nasty things about us getting married and is this how things are going to be.  He said quite a few nasty things in anger.  But I didn’t hear all of it fully.  As I couldn’t handle being attacked like that, so I shut the doors so I couldn’t hear any of it and bawled my eyes out.  And being the one who tries to work through things with communication, I later tried to encourage him to talk it all through with me.  But him being his stubborn self, did not say a lot.

This kind of thing tends to make me feel quite insecure as a result.  And often when he is feeling stressed I find him quite critical of either me or things in general.  I try to discourage this and remind him how I take it personally and how I feel attacked and like nothing I do is good enough.  Man relationships are hard work!  And these situations do no favours to my anxiety.

The other night with his verbal abuse made me feel extremely overwhelmed and anxious and I felt very strong urges to cut myself.  I even get to the point of feeling a bit suicidal lately.  Just with the combination of feeling like a burden to him and my family and also feeling that he feels I am not an adequate enough parent and then there is my older daughter who likes to push my buttons and keep going on about her ex-carer and how things were so good there. She says things that are quite hurtful sometimes.  And I end up feeling like nothing I do is ever enough.  I feel these low points where I wish I could take action on my suicidal thoughts and just bleed out and slowly slip away into death.

I find lacking friends in Nelson really hard.  As it feels really lonely.  I literally only have 1 friend in Nelson and when I am not able to hang out with her I feel isolated and alone.

At times I will be honest with my fiance and tell him how I really feel.  But I don’t feel like that changes anything.  I feel like it falls on deaf ears.

I know I definitely have grief from probably years and years ago which has never been properly resolved.  Like I have these fucked up ideas and desires about my Dad.  For anyone who hasn’t read my whole blog, he died when I was 2 1/2 years old.  Anyway, sometimes, partly because of grief maybe and partly because I miss him, I want to go to Christchurch and dig up his coffin and get in and just hug his corpse/skeleton, what ever is left of him.  And I know that is an extremely weird thought/desire.  But then I think, is it though?  Like maybe that is just some twisted reaction to grief and having lost someone so important and not having them there most of your life.  I dunno, maybe I’m weird, maybe I’m not.

Regarding my friend who died/committed suicide. I would often have strange thoughts after he was gone.  Like that he was in the shadow of the cat clock, like he was my new kitten.  That seems really fucked up to me.  But again, is it fucked up or is it just an effect of grief.

Last week when I saw the relationship counsellor I was quite honest with him about some of my feelings and thoughts lately.  I admitted to him that lately, especially at night before I could fall asleep, I would feel similar feelings to what I felt in August 2013 and similar feelings to wait I felt while I was in the Psych Ward and in respite initially and similar to what I felt for a good 6 months after.  I would feel this panicked feeling like something is off and this sense of impending doom.

In all honesty, I can not gauge where my mental health is at currently.  I know I am having a difficult time coping, I feel lonely, I feel low in hopeful feelings, I am overly sensitive and that my emotions feel quite on edge and delicate.

Lately I have been feeling really tired, despite getting enough sleep.  I find it hard to get up/wake up in the morning and I seem to be ok energy wise for a few hours and by 1pm I’m tired again.

Tattoos wise.  I am wondering how much I may be using them as a distraction or even some kind of therapy.  I don’t know why, but even after getting a new one I don’t feel satisfied.  I don’t feel like it’s enough and I feel like I need more.  It’s like, right, another one done, what next?…

I now have 9 tattoos and I’m booked in to get another one on Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired now, so I’m going to get some sleep. Plus I don’t have anything else to write about just now.

Thankx again for reading.

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