That’s how I’m feeling in general at the moment about a few things.

Due to confusing pregnancy complications, I have spent I’m not even sure how many hours in the hospital. On Wednesday I spent from mid morning there, til the next morning. On Thursday night I spent a few hours there and on Saturday afternoon and night, 9 hours there. But Saturday was more due to how busy they were with other emergencies. How I wish this pregnancy was complication free like my last one’s.

So, I’m over how much time I’ve spent going back and forth between hospital and home. I’m over how my toddler packs a tantrum every single time she is put in her car seat. And how she says things are her’s, which are not, like her sister’s tablet and my computer and when you tell her she can’t use them, she has a major breakdown about it. It’s not helping my stress levels.

I’m also over how it seems my fiance only thinks about himself some days. Doesn’t help with the housework, not even on Mother’s Day and after I ask that he not spend the whole day on his computer, does exactly that(spends the whole day on it) And when I say, it would have been nice to have something done for me, being we have no money, so he couldn’t get a gift, he turns it around and says I spent 6 hours at the hospital with you the other day and you’ve barely been here, because you’ve been in and out of hospital. I found that really upsetting. As, I couldn’t help that I have had complications and I did not enjoy my time in the hospital. It just makes me feel unsupported. I mean, shit, I am the pregnant one, growing the baby, exhausted, both physically and emotionally and I didn’t ask to have these complications. I just feel like sometimes, what I am going through really doesn’t even factor to him.

I feel incredibly lonely and unsupported. Apart from my good friend, she has been supportive. I am so very sick of not seeing my friends. They express no interest in keeping in contact. I mean apart from the one friend. I haven’t seen my friends in about 2 weeks and the only friend I have seen, is my good friend. She is in the process of moving house, so she is unavailable most of the time and I’m cool with that. Just wish everybody else wasn’t so busy.

This morning, listening to my toddler whinging all the way from home, to my fiance’s work and dropping my older daughter off at school and then home again, about a good 20 minutes, was very frustrating. It stresses me out. It makes me go, fuck it, I am so over my life. Not in a suicidal way, just to be clear. I just need a break from everything.

I must admit, I get a bit annoyed with people who go, not long now, to the next 12 1/2 weeks left of pregnancy. Yes, to them, who are not pregnant, it might not seem like long. But to me, who has prolapse, which causes a heavy feeling constantly and sciatic pain and with the complications, stress at home, feeling isolated and drained in so many ways, 12 1/2 weeks is a very long time.

So yeah, all this considered, I am feeling over it all. And I do my best to feel encouraged and to not let things get me down. But I can only be strong for so long.

I am doing some things for myself. Such as, going to a Mother’s Network Support Group. Which is once a week, on Tuesday evenings for 2 hours for 6 weeks. It’s for Mum’s to get some time out and support. So that is a good thing. And also, I get to start Hydrotherapy this Friday, for an hour, once a week til near the end of pregnancy. Which is for pregnant women and helps with the sciatic pain and such. It will be good meeting some other expectant Mum’s to be. As I am not doing antenatal classes this time.

It’s during the day that I find the hardest. As, all I feel I do is, keep myself fed, housework and look after the kids when they are home and pick ups and drop offs. And being today, I am nearly on empty, petrol wise, I can’t even go driving anywhere. I am so sick of being at home!

I think that’s about it for now. I started seeing a Psychologist at Community Mental Health last week, so that’s something.

Ciao.

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