Like my title says, I am not lacking things to write about. But I have been lacking motivation in general for weeks. Thus why, despite having so much on my mind and so many emotions, I have not written much for a while.

On Wednesday I had a sudden downward spiral with my mood and depression.

It started with something quite small. On the way home from picking the kid’s up from school my fiance mentioned that we needed to get groceries. That provoked a sudden feeling of panic and anxiety. All I wanted to do was get home and find any excuse not to leave the house again. When at home, I went to the bathroom and then suddenly I started bawling my eyes out and experiencing high anxiety and a feeling of panic. While I was in the bathroom I could hear my son having a little whinge and I found that highly distressing. Later I went on the laptop, but barely had motivation to do anything. I typed into Google “high anxiety and persistent feeling of hopelessness”. The result of the search suggested Major Depression.

I have been feeling fatigued for weeks and tired all the time. I thought maybe it might be my thyroid levels or something. So I went to the GP and she sent me for a blood test, but everything came back normal. So, no medical explanation for the fatigue. And I have been getting enough sleep and eating healthy. So, no answers there either.

It’s fair to say I have been struggling for weeks. And it has been quite persistent since my close friend committed suicide in late March.

My GP can see I am struggling, as can my relationship counselor. My GP referred me back to CMH(Community Mental Health) My GP can see I need a break. And it was really hard for me to reach out and be totally honest and ask for help.

So I finally got seen by the Psychiatrist at CMH last week. I told him of my desire to self-harm, my suicidal feelings, over using my medication 2 times in a week, my anxiety, my moods, my diminished ability to cope and my often out of character behavior. He responded by saying I need to get on with my life and deal with it and at no point will they offer me any respite. That made me feel really upset, anxious and angry.

Some examples of my unstable moods are, me snapping and swearing at my oldest daughter, which is something I just don’t do. Being left in the house, while my fiance was only outside for maybe 5 minutes and suddenly having a freak out and bawling my eyes out and feeling the sense of despair and distress I had felt back in August 2013 some time. And that was very scary for me re-experiencing those feelings. I keep getting distressed and irritable over so many little things. It is quite concerning to me. I went nuts at my fiance on Wednesday for assembling a box I wanted to assemble and had kept telling him to leave alone. I got really angry and threw 2 small items at him.

On Wednesday night I was just a complete mess. Wanting a break, needing a break and knowing CMH will not give me that. It makes me feel very scared. And when we went in the car to go to the supermarket that night I nearly started bawling again.

I certainly know I am in desperate need of grief counselling. I have such a swinging and somewhat unpredictable range of emotions. It tends to go between, anger, rage, irritability, distress, despair, feelings of hopelessness, nearly total lack of motivation and a general lack of enjoyment in most things. Any good mood will barely last a day. It might if I am lucky stretch out to 4-5 hours.

No-one has visited for weeks. I feel like my friend who died(committed suicide), was my only extremely close friend in Nelson. And he was someone who was a true friend and truly and genuinely cared about me as a friend. He would put in the effort to visit me or spend time with me as much as he could. I am so lost without him in my life.

I do have other close friend’s but they live in Wellington.

I have a few tattoos now. 6 in total. 5 of them have significant meaning to me. One however I have just because of the beauty of it. Which is this one.

Pegasus

My other one’s are the ‘Parker’ tattoo which will be in one of my past blog posts. The gem tattoo in honor of my friend who committed suicide, which has his birthstone color Aquamarine(March) in the gem and his name, which is on the upper outside of my left arm . I have a set of tattoos on my lower arm on the inside with each of my children’s name and a gem each with their birthstone color inside. I have the Pegasus, as pictured. I also have the 2 Pisces fish on the middle of my upper back, just under my neck. And on my inner, lower right arm I have a Panther. The good thing about the placement of my tattoos with my children’s names and birthstones, is it motivates me not to self-harm, as I don’t want to ruin the tattoos.

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