So, it seems like, with the public health system and their treatment of me, they tell me one thing, though they have already decided on another. That being, they told me I was going home for the weekend and they told me that on Thursday and then they inform me on Friday, the day I am due to go home for the weekend, that, no, actually they are discharging me and the doctor tells me, that time I have spent there at the ward and in respite, is as much as they are offering me and that I need to get home for Dylan’s (my newborn) sake and that is most important. So pretty much, right, we’ve done what we can, now off you go home and deal with reality, as we won’t be taking you back.

I have found it really frustrating the lack of information and say I have had in anything. It seems like, they make a decision about me and tell me this is what’s happening. Without consulting me or giving me any say in it. Such as, the other day when they asked how I felt about respite and then told me that’s where I was going. No asking if I want to go, as I said I didn’t feel ready, but they said well that’s what’s happening. And then regarding my antidepressants, the one’s they were aware made me really ill. They upped the dose from 1/2 a tablet to 2 tablets. So they tripled my dose without taking me into consideration and the effect that would have on me.

Also, they sent me home on Friday and then I find out, they have told my fiance to go back to work on Wednesday. Which left me feeling panicked and in tears before I left. As I’m not ready to do it all on my own yet. And I was left under the impression previously, he would not be going back to work for another week.

I felt my needs and my mental health and transition back into everyday life is being rushed and I don’t need that stress.

Since being back at home, I am still having sleep issues. Like I spend most of the time in bed awake, hoping to fall asleep and maybe averaging 1-2 hrs sleep a night, if even that. I have experienced waking to my body shaking in a state of panic, due to being tired and unable to properly sleep. But at least I still have my appetite. It’s just the lack of sleep is not good for my mental health. And I have had to use the Lorazepam at least twice to get myself out of panic mode and get some rest. And apparently the pills they gave me for insomnia are supposed to allow me 6-8 hrs sleep. Well they don’t even get me 2 hrs sleep. It’s so frustrating!

Breastfeeding has it’s ups and downs. I went from expressing small amounts at first, while I was at the ward and respite, to a good 100mls, sometimes more. And then I was unable to see my baby for 2 days and my milk supply went down to 10mls. Apparently the body can get confused without regular contact with your baby and it will try dry up the milk supply due to this. So I have had 1 day at home where I breastfed for 2 hrs straight and then another 3 hrs straight and after that I was exhausted and in tears. Though my supply is getting a little better now. I keep having issues where I would go, right, I’m giving up and I’ll just formula feed and then every time the next day would arrive, I’d go back on that decision. I know my sleep issue is not helping with things.

It’s true, sleep deprivation is torture!

I went into the ward today and said Hi, to my friends in there. It was nice to see them and introduce them to my baby, those who hadn’t seen him.

Yesterday didn’t start so well. The baby woke at around 5am and took 5 hrs to get back to sleep, despite my best efforts and my fiances. I ended up giving up and crying and having a lorazepam and having a nap. And I’ll admit in my desperation and panic, I did have a slight desire to self harm, but thankfully I took my chill pills instead. And I get anxious when I can’t find anything to do. It’s like I feel like I have to constantly be doing something. But I keep telling myself to take it easy and that it’s ok to relax. I’m definitely suffering from hyper arousal. Which would be part of the sleep issue. I wish I could sleep properly!

My friend visited yesterday and she seemed really sad to hear what I have been going through. She even had tears in her eyes. I must admit, I do find it hard talking about the feelings I experienced that got me to that bad place last week and that I continued to experience for most of the past 9 days.

Today went ok I feel. Yes, I got baby back to sleep this morning, but only by laying him on my chest, but that meant I couldn’t fall asleep and then I put him in his bassinet and he woke a few minutes later. So I just let my fiance deal with him, as I needed some sleep. So I took 1 1/2 Lorazepam and had a nap. As I so needed to keep calm and have some rest. We did a few things, like went to an appointment, I visited friends in the ward, then we came home for a few hours and had a lady from home help come over and then we went to the baby shop and got some things we needed and came home and that went fine. Which is good. No panic stations going on for me, so that’s a positive. I am hoping it will go as well when I do it alone, once my fiance is back at work.

Well that is all for today. I am feeling tired

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