Tag Archive: zopiclone


Yup, time to get real with how things have been with me lately.

I haven’t had a chance to blog lately, which I prefer to use my laptop for, due to my fiance always using it when I would like to.  He’s always watching the same crap with it.  Either via YouTube or on Twitch.  So damn sick of hearing the same crap coming from my laptop for hours and pretty much every day!  I finally get hold of my laptop tonight and it’s battery is completely drained and it would not turn on!  Grr!  That so angered me!  I had to restart and about 6 times I think, before it decided to turn on.  And I only bought it in April I think.  Anyway, enough venting about that.

So, things have not been good with my mental health lately.  In fact not last week but the week before they got very bad.  I did something stupid which I am sure I have admitted to doing on here quite a few times in the past.  I abused/over-used my medications.  I intentionally took more of my medications then is probably safe or healthy.  I believe on the first night I took 5 Venlafaxine(Effexor), 3 Zopiclone, 2 Lorazepam and I think 5-6 Quetiapine.  So that is something like 425mgs of Venlafaxine(Effexor), 21mgs of Zopiclone, 2mgs Lorazepam and 500-600mgs of Quetiapine.  I may have taken more then that, I can’t remember to be honest.  I calculated how many I could take without killing myself.  I simply did not want to deal with reality for a bit.  Then the next night I took similar, but not as much.  At some point my the following day my fiance worked out something was not right with me and after dropping the kids to school, took me to the medical centre, who called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital.  The GP, my fiance, the paramedics and the hospital all probably thought it was a suicide attempt.  I assured them it was not.  Anyway, they hooked me up to all the relevant machines and took blood tests to see if my body had been effected in any negative ways by my overdose.  Lucky everything came back fine.  I stayed in overnight for observation.

Eventually the Mental Health Crisis Team came and saw me.  I found the lady to be really icy in her approach to me.  She even went as far as saying she did not think I was suffering depression.  Yeah…cause people do that shit because they are not depressed….Fuck off!  It is beyond me where the hell such a stupidly inaccurate diagnosis comes from!

And guess what?… I have not been followed up since!  OMG!

One thing that really hurt me was something my younger sister said to me after visiting me in hospital.  She said that I seemed to look quite pleased with myself when she saw me.  And even my mother agreed with that!  I had to remind them that I was high as a kite on the medications I had taken.  Man it hurts when you family have you completely wrong and say things like that.

During these school holidays we went up to Wellington for 6 days.  Which was quite an expensive trip.  I thought it might help my mental health to get away.  It did not unfortunately.  I honestly am still having trouble coping.

My anxiety is still quite a big problem and it does on many occasions stop me from doing regular things.  Like going to the supermarket.  Some days the idea of going anywhere freaks me out, so I stay at home.  Yet some days I don’t mind.  I am still definitely feeling depressed the majority of the time.  I hate my moods and emotions sometimes.  They are all over the place.  My patience sux, my tolerance to small things sux, I do not cope with stress, I can not cope very well with my 5 year olds behaviour, which is quite testing lately.

Sometimes I have a really strong urge to cut myself.  Thankfully I have only given in to that urge once, which was the same night I first took too many med’s.

So many things keep reminding me of my friend who committed suicide.  But that is probably quite normal I am guessing.

My bank account balance is playing on my mind.  I have actually been totally avoiding checking it.  I am freaking out about how fast it is going down.  I am stressing because I still have to pay for the reception, I have to keep money aside for the photographer, for suit hire, for the marriage license, for dress alterations and probably some other things.  It is really wearing me down the fact I had to organize pretty much everything for this wedding and then I have to pay for everything. It is really stressful when no-one else is chipping in.  I do not need stress!

I should be looking forward to it.  Instead I am stressing, as September is approaching rather fast.

I was aiming to get to my goal weight or near it.  Instead I have been slacking on my diet yet again and my weight is going up.  Argh!

Yes.  I probably am too hard on myself.

Motivation…what’s that?…. It is something I am lacking big time!

Deep down, I know my wedding day will be great, no matter what happens and it will be quite a relief once we are married.

So much for a stress free wedding!  Is there such a thing?  Maybe.

Like I get that the timing is probably part of it.  I have had a lot happen this year.  But I did not think putting it off would make things any better.

I may whinge about my fiance, but who doesn’t whinge and vent about their partner?  He’s not perfect, I’m not perfect. Relationships are just like this.  No matter how much we love one another, there is always something that each of us does that annoys the hell out of the other person and vice versa.  Reality is, he is pretty awesome for putting up with all this that has been thrown at him in the last few years and it takes a real man to stick around and support you and love you no matter what.  So yeah, I am really proud of him and even in awe of him for all this.

Whinging and moaning aside, I do truly love him and I know he feels the same.  I am lucky, even if I fail to acknowledge it at times.

Oops…it’s nearly 1:30am!  Better try get some sleep.  Good Night.  Thankx for reading.

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20th March 2014

I knew I had something on my mind to blog about the other day, but it was too late at night and I never got around to posting. Annoying thing, of course I have forgotten what I was planning to post about the other day. Ah well. Got to love my unreliable short term memory aye…

Since I haven’t posted for over a week, I’ll just try and give an update on anything that has been happening in that time.

So, last week we didn’t have enough money for food or petrol, so we had to miss our loan payment in order to feed ourselves and get a tiny amount of petrol. The budget adviser we saw a few weeks ago was really no help out all. Just agreed we were in a terrible place with lack of money and a deficit of $90 per week. And I am damn sure budget advisers are supposed to help come up with solutions, not tell us what we already know.

I don’t find it particularly helpful when people like WINZ and other agencies ask me what we are going to do about this lack of money. Um, gee, if I knew how to fix the situation, do you not think I would be fixing it already. Plus, thinking about being in a position with money that you have no way to fix, isn’t very fruitful and is quite overwhelming and distressing. As it’s not like you can ignore the situation.

I find it very hard that I feel my fiance expects me to come up with all the solutions to our every problem. I remind him, I can only suggest so much and it’s solutions we as a couple have to talk about together to try and find a solution. As saying, “what are we going to do about this situation?” and getting all paranoid and thinking the car will be repossessed and our property will be taken to pay our debts, is kind of thinking worse case scenario and catastrophizing. And I thought I was the one who worried too much! I wasn’t even worried about those things. As I reminded him, we have missed only 1 loan payment and because it’s the first time ever, we may even be in credit for that amount, so just talk to the finance company about it. As they are more likely to try work with you to find a solution if you communicate with them. It’s when you don’t talk with them and miss many payments and are unwilling to find a solution, when they would repossess your vehicle. But they certainly wouldn’t take our property. I mean talking him into missing that 1 payment was hard enough. I reminded him of the reality that we have no money for food, so it is the only option.

I have been trying to convince him to change to a cheaper plan with the internet provider, to save us more money. As wherever we can save money, we should be. But with his love of his computer, the internet and online games, he’s being pretty stubborn there. But reality is, neither of us work, so being on a $108 a month, 150GB is a luxury, not a necessity.

I was being a bit sarcastic to him about him computer the other day. Saying about it and his attachment to it “my precious, I love you my precious” hehe! I mean choosing to go back on the computer instead of having fun times(sex) is a bit sad. And he complains about the lack of action in that department. And I keep reminding him, to be fair, it’s his computer and addiction to it that makes that area of our relationship lack. He has no-one to blame but himself.

Right, now onto the children. The CYFS(child, youth and family) social worker said to me when she rang the other week, that she was a bit concerned about how many times I have had my oldest daughter stay the night. I was like, um what, 3 times since December, that’s hardly a lot! And she was going on about how I am allowed to be alone with her, but only if my fiance is home. I was like, excuse me?! No, there was never any worries about me being alone with her and there was nothing in the FGC(family group conference) plan that stated that either.

I have been feeling a little worried about my youngest daughter and Kindy, she’s 4. She never wants to go or be left there and she is always desperate to leave. Also, she wears pull-ups training pants, as we are trying to encourage her to try using the toilet. And she has come home several times, from a 10 hour day at Kindy, in a pull up that has not been changed all day and has been rather red and sore down below. I also worry with some of the things she says, that she might be getting bullied. I have also noticed that every day she comes home from Kindy she has new bruises or scrapes and she is not a clumsy kid. I mean every day, that is a lot. I get concerned with the behaviour from some of the other children at the Kindy and the fact the Kindy teachers are not seeing some of these things. As I noticed 2 boys, hitting each other very hard in the stomach and not in a playful way and it seemed like for them, that kind of thing was normal. Also my daughter has started pushing other children, which is something she never used to do. I mean, when someone else is caring for your child, you shouldn’t have all these things to worry about. They are responsible for the care and safety of your child while the child is in their care.

My 2 youngest have their Gateway Assessment tomorrow and we were only told on Monday, which is only 5 days notice. It’s to assess how they are doing in all areas and observe how we all interact together as a family. I am rather unimpressed that the CYFS social worker gave us so little notice. And they hadn’t even given us a date for the FGC review and weren’t planning to, til tomorrow. But I chased her up about that, as I need to try get my support people along to it and they need sufficient notice. And so far, we only have CMH coming as our support people. And it seems CYFS aren’t being very helpful in accommodating anyone else’s schedule, except their own. Making it harder for us to get all our support people along on the date. We still haven’t been given the location or time either. 11 days notice is not a lot of notice for people who work. I feel CYFS think because it’s a review, it will all be a very fast process. But what they want, is not the same as what they want. They want to keep things as they are and what my support people and my family want, is for me to have my role back as a Mum. It is very evident by the FGC outcome ‘plan’ that CYFS see me as too mentally unstable to function at all. Quite a disrespectful attitude and so inaccurate. And they don’t like to acknowledge all my progress. I mean the only thing for Kelly to do in the plan is “get therapy when offered” and that is not at all geared towards me having my role back. I fully acknowledge at the time of the FGC I was not coping and that the decision that was made, was the right decision at the time. But it is no longer the right decision. All those who know me and support me, acknowledge and agree, I have come a damn long way and made huge progress, considering everything I have been through, the fact I have had zero therapy and all I have on-board is antidepressants, which we all know is not a total fix and it’s just the chemical imbalance being addressed.

It was my birthday yesterday. I’m now 35. It wasn’t a very exciting birthday. I didn’t get any presents. But my Mum has brought me a book that I wanted and will be sending it over for my present. It’s this book: http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Selfharm-Overcoming-Self-Injury-Treatments/dp/1572246162
And my grandma gave me some money. So I brought some jeans, a hoody and some togs for $30. My fiance cooked dinner, which was a plus and we brought a birthday cake from the supermarket.

I had a few things on yesterday. I had the Open Home Foundation lady come over to observe us in the morning with the kids. Then I had an appointment with CMH(community mental health), with the nurse, social worker and psychiatrist. I talked to them about the whole CYFS situation and my desire to have my role back as a Mum and they are fully behind recommending that. So if they are all available on the date of the FGC review, they will be there to state that to CYFS. Which is awesome. They fully acknowledge my progress and capabilities and actually feel I am coping better then my fiance. Also, because they work as a team at CMH and with the family, they will be checking in with my fiance regularly and seeing how he is doing and seeing if they can support him in any way. As they acknowledge how much is put on him as the primary caregiver and they see that no-one else is looking out for him and how he might be doing, except me. So they want to be of a support for him too. Which is excellent. Psychiatrist has prescribed me Quetiapine to help with sleep. So I can finally come off the Zopiclone. Which is great. I had the 4th of 6 DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Resiliency Distress Tolerance group yesterday as well. Only 2 left! I will miss that group! Though I talked to the psychiatrist and psychologist about the possibility of PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and they agreed I may possibly have it and have recommended when the next Anxiety Support Group starts, that I go to that. Just as at least something, until I can have one to one therapy. As the waiting list is still quite long for the therapy.

I am finding the DBT group and all I am learning extremely helpful. I highly recommend DBT.

Insomnia

Ok, so I’m sure I’ve mentioned in the past that since having baby and my mental illness going downhill back in August, I’ve had trouble with sleep.

It’s still plaguing me.

And apparently over time sleeping tablets become less effective. And being they are ‘highly addictive’ apparently, mental health professionals and GP’s don’t like to keep you on them long term.

Well, I am by no means addicted to them. In fact I had stopped taking them for a little bit in October and was using natural sleeping tablets, one’s you can get from the supermarket. They tend to contain Valerian most of them. I also used a few drops of Lavender Oil to help with sleep. But then unfortunately the natural alternatives stopped working and I had to start taking Zopiclone again.

Well lately even with the Zopiclone, I have still been having trouble getting to sleep. And the Community Mental Health nurse suggested trying to get off the Zopiclone and use techniques like acupuncture pressure points and warm milk and honey.

I’ve tried the acupuncture pressure points, but not had any success. And last night I tried that and allowing myself to fall asleep without taking the Zopiclone. Unfortunately that didn’t work and after 4 hours of giving myself plenty of time to fall asleep, I had no success. So had to take the Zopiclone to get to sleep.

It’s frustrating, because I want to stop taking the Zopiclone and I have so much pressure from medical and mental health professionals to get off them.

What annoys me about the medical and mental health professionals, is how they go on and on about certain medications being ‘highly addictive’ and they don’t seem to consider the fact I am not one of those people who becomes addicted to medications.

I’m going to try the warm milk and honey tonight. So hopefully I have success.

I do all the right things. I practice sleep hygiene. Which is doing stuff like:

-only using the bed for sleep or sex
-no electronic stimulation an hour before bed
-no caffeine at night
-breathing techniques
-peaceful sleep environment
-clock out of view

Though sometimes the peaceful sleep environment does get disturbed due to my fiance gaming or doing something on the computer that involves him being vocal. That doesn’t help in those circumstances. I sometimes get so desperate for sleep and annoyed with this crap, that I’ll go sleep in my daughters room in the spare bed.

Update

So, it’s been a few weeks since my last entry.

I can’t remember if I mentioned in my last post about me telling my case manager at Community Mental Health that I was really unimpressed by their lack of action/ help as I was declining, previous to that Friday when I could no longer cope. And how shocked I was that they suggested going straight back home, considering my dark thoughts and desires.

At my review this week, which included my case manager and the psychiatrist, they said they have taken on board my complaints. I expressed that I don’t have much faith in them anymore.

I had mentioned to my case manager before I left respite, that based on what my Mum had told her psychiatrist about what has been going on with me, that he thought I may have some kind of personality disorder and that some support workers at the respite had suggested I may be suffering some post traumatic stress disorder. At my review, my psychiatrist agreed I do have many of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. And yes, possibly post traumatic stress disorder. But that would be explored later (the PTSD)

From what I have read, it seems to explain what has been going on with me.

My Venlafaxine(effexor) has been increased from 2 x 37.5mg tablets to 2 x 75mg tablets.

I’ll admit I have been struggling a lot with the desire to self harm and have given in once since I’ve been home. But that’s more because with my fiancé being at home, I don’t get the opportunity. And have also felt like running away, a lot.

I’m feeling this weird detachment from my baby, like he’s not mine and I didn’t give birth to him. Clearly I need to get some therapy and work through this. Though honestly, right now, I’d rather be in the psych ward or in a respite house. I don’t want to be living, this that is my life. I am forcing myself daily to stay put and not run. Though it’s very hard. I have almost no interest in my baby and don’t want to deal with him, so I’m not. My fiancé is doing everything for him.

I was watching a video on YouTube earlier explaining reasons why people self harm and so much of it rang true.

At times I feel fearful of going out in public, paranoid about what people from my daughters school and kindy might be thinking about me or what they might know about my situation.

I also feel fearful and anxious about going home and take my time getting home. I’m constantly trying to distract myself with reading or TV, to avoid my thoughts and panic. Though it’s always there much of the day.

I felt pretty freaked out and overwhelmed about the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

That’s all I have to post about for now.

So, apparently the medical term for having what used to be referred to as a mental or nervous breakdown, is now referred to as a Major Depressive Episode. And severe depression is described as Major Depressive Disorder. Both of which I have been experiencing lately. As well as anxiety and panic attacks.

At some point around the start of last week I became stressed and then that began to effect my sleep. I believe it was Monday that this started happening. I had also run out of 2 of my medications that help with sleep and panic and anxiety. Lorazepam(1/2 a tablet twice a day) for the panic and anxiety and Zopiclone(1 tablet) for sleep. Oh and now I am on 2 antidepressants. 1 Mirtazapine and 2 Venlafaxine(Effexor).

So what started happening when I became stressed is, whenever I would go to bed and try to sleep, my mind would just go into overdrive and wouldn’t shut up. Mainly songs repeating in my head or thoughts. Then came panic attacks and anxiety. After a day or so, this sleep issue and the panic and anxiety started effecting my ability to keep food down and as it worsened, I became unable to keep anything down for long, even my medications and my appetite just disappeared. Things that I would experience at night when I would go to bed and try to sleep were, feeling like I was absolutely boiling, though the room temperature was cold and my heart going so fast, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Any sleep I would get, wouldn’t last long and it was very disrupted sleep. Even sleeping in another room with ear plugs in and a eye mask and darkness didn’t help. It seems my body has forgotten how to sleep. And sleep deprivation and/or poor quality sleep has a very negative effect on my mental health. I had been trying to no avail to get help from the mental health team, only to be declined over and over. After a phone call from my case manager and my request for help and appropriate medication was again declined, I just lost it. I felt enraged and wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it to piece’s. But I didn’t, as I figured I might need the phone. I then just totally broke down. I fell on hands and knee’s and just sobbed/howled/wailed uncontrollably and very loudly. I was no longer able to cope and was making little sense when I rung my fiancé and asked him to come home. I tried through this unwellness to do what I needed to for my family and children. I was so sleep and food deprived by Thursday, that I was losing it, even with home help here. Doing stuff like rocking, jiggling my legs, hitting my forehead with my palm, tugging at my hair and wanting to knock myself out on the kitchen sink. I had to go down to the chemist to get my medication and my youngest daughter wanted to come with me. Driving, I felt like I was dreaming and like I could easily crash, due to impaired judgement and impaired alertness. When I got out of the car with her, I felt hyper vigilant and vulnerable and unable to protect myself or her and like I was not aware enough of my surroundings and felt paranoid. I really shouldn’t have been driving in that state. That day I avoided doing much for the baby, unless absolutely necessary. I just wanted someone else to care for him, as I was unfit to, in my state. There was a point that day, where, though I had company and baby was happy and content. I wanted to harm him. For no reason, I just felt this violence. I had already called some relatives of my fiance’s to come look after the children so I could sleep. Eventually my fiance’s sister came over and I went and had a sleep. But despite any sleep I got, it just wasn’t quality sleep and was very disrupted. Things that would happen during this time of sleep deprivation were, shaking, uncontrollable jiggling of 1 leg, becoming distraught, feeling enraged and feeling constantly panicked and anxious.

By Friday morning, I had reached whatever limit there was to my coping. I wanted to harm my children, but especially the baby and I wanted to harm myself. So I sat there, once my fiancé had gone to work, considering what actions to take. Such as, drop my daughter at Kindy and then maybe just leave baby there in his capsule and run off. Drop my daughter to Kindy and the baby and car off to my fiancé’s work and run off. But baby was asleep when I got to Kindy, so I dropped my daughter off and then went home. Knowing that I felt so violent and like harming myself and baby, I knew I had to try and keep my kids safe from me. So I called 111 and told them how I was feeling. Police came over and they called my fiancé to tell him he needed to come home. They called the CATT team, who are a mental health crisis team, expecting they would request me to be assessed and taken to hospital. But unfortunately, because I am under the community mental health team, this did not happen and I was taken into my case managers office. I was so desperate to self harm, I tried using a paper clip, but that wasn’t sharp, so didn’t do a thing. I was considering using a drawing pin, but didn’t get the opportunity. And when I was left in another room, I was considering using the phone cord to try bring an end to my suffering. But the curtains were open, so I wouldn’t have succeeded at that. I was assessed and asked lots of questions and asked to make decisions. None of which I was able to do, as I was barely functioning on little sleep and no food. They wanted to send me home, but my fiancé said no, that was not wise. I mean, really, seriously, why the hell would you try and send someone home who wants to harm their kids, especially the baby and kill themselves?! I told them I felt the best place for me was hospital and they simply said no. They eventually decided on sending me to a respite house, despite others feeling hospital was wiser. So I was at respite from Friday afternoon til Tuesday afternoon. Where honestly, I still felt vulnerable and unsafe. Though I did manage to get sleep and start eating again. But I didn’t feel ready to go home so soon. The one good thing about the support workers there is that they have all experienced mental illness and distress. So they are very understanding, non-judgemental and easy to talk to.

Unfortunately, because I am so unwell and I still feel unsafe to care for the baby, my fiancé has had to give up working.

It’s been a week since I got to my worst and I still feel very unwell mentally and do not feel at all safe to look after the baby. I need to get some therapy and work out what is going on, to make me feel this way. As my rational mind knows it’s not right. It has been suggested by some, that maybe I am suffering some PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and may also have a personality disorder. So I am awaiting an assessment by someone more qualified then the Psychiatrist at community mental health.

I have expressed my dissatisfaction and lack of faith in this mental health team and my case manager and his colleagues. But haven’t seen him since he dropped me home on Tuesday and not heard from anyone there.

I do not feel totally safe at home. I worry about my desire to self harm and my rejection and dark feelings towards my baby. I feel distressed when he wakes or cries and not in a good way.

So that’s where things are at.

Sleep Issues

So I have mentioned I think a few times in the previous few posts about sleep issues.

Initially they gave me Zopiclone to help with sleep in the week before I went downhill and ended up in hospital. And that did help at first. But as things got worse with my mental health and I developed Hyper Arousal, which can best be described as being on high alert all the time. Which is not helpful for getting sleep!

So I would pretty much get to sleep at some point, with the aid of Zopiclone or Lorazepam, but not stay asleep. So often I was only getting maybe 2-3 hours sleep a night and that was at the ward or at respite. And when I came home, I had 1 Zopiclone left and was given Promethazine to help with my sleep. And one night in desperation to get some sleep, I took both of them and still I only got maybe 2 hrs sleep if that. And ended up taking a Lorazepam in the morning, to get at least some sleep, though I think that was only 1 hour or just over.

I recall on at least 2 occasions, waking to a panic attack, due to inability to fall asleep and another time, waking up to my body shaking, due to not being able to have a simple nap.

Man it sucks having this issue. Not helpful for the mental health and the day to day life as a Mum. Last night I managed a few more hours sleep I believe, but that was due to exhaustion, from weeks of hardly any sleep. I hope tonight sleep goes better again. I am over laying in bed for hours waiting for sleep to come, to no avail.

Good night. Off to bed now.