Right, so I acknowledge I am tired and should probably get some sleep.  So I take my sleep medication, turn off the laptop, put it away, turn off the light and get into bed.

But, it seems my mind and emotions had other plans.

I just start feeling overwhelmed with sadness, anxiety and some amount of fear.

The feelings of rejection are quite raw.  The questioning of why is there.  Why?  Always why?  Why do some people not see ME?  Why do they reject me?  Why in their mind am I seen as the bad guy?  Why can they not see the decent and good human being I am?  Why do they think I am so terrible?  Why must they feel that I am second best and never good enough?

I already have my own issues, insecurities and questioning of why I am never enough. These rejections just compound those issues and insecurities.  They are like a self fulfilling negative prophecy.  Just feeding my already existing fears.

I am struggling with huge feelings of loneliness and a void in my life.  This void coming from what I feel is a loss of good friendship I thought was solid and secure with a friend I considered to be one of my best friend’s.

Again I am having the issue of increased disturbing or bothersome dreams.  Which feeds the fear of sleeping.  In my mind I am thinking “please, please can these dreams stop”. And it only gets to me at night, before I try to go to sleep.  It only sometimes is plaguing me during the day.

I have been having such a huge struggle with my depression lately.  PMS is not helping the situation.  It is just making me excessively sensitive and vulnerable.

I will be honest, I have really been struggling hard with the desire to self harm, which I did do a few weeks back.  And I have honestly been having struggles with thoughts of suicide, which I hate.  As I know the pain of loss through suicide.

In reading some articles the other night, regarding suicides in New Zealand.  There was one article in particular that made me cry for both the person who had lost their loved one to suicide and the person who committed suicide.  As I understood the pain of them both.

One of the thoughts that was making me cry tonight was questioning, why do I have to keeping losing the ones that I love the most?.

In my life that has been my Dad, Granddad, Grandma and best friend.

That time of year is coming soon.  Firstly, my best friend’s birthday and then the anniversary of his death.  This is the friend who committed suicide last year.

A year has already passed since I lost my Grandma.

A person who is very important to me, can see that at present I have lost my sparkle.  That is what we like to call it.  It is basically like your beam of light, your joy, your spark.  We all have one.  When we are doing what we love or what brings us joy and happiness, that is when you will see it.  It is unique to you and others admire it, are inspired by it and want to be around it.  And the right people will help you nurture it and encourage you to pursue whatever makes it brighter.

People will try and dull your sparkle for one reason or another.  Sometimes, when your energy is low and life has been throwing too many punches your way, it can dull.  This is what I am dealing with at present and where I am at.

I am trying to get a good sense of what my true passion is.  I find the idea of a creative writing course appealing, but am as yet undecided on whether I do really want to pursue that career path or not.

I really have a lot more to say, but tiredness is overtaking me.  So I will have to try and write some more once I have had a decent sleep.

Thankx for reading.

 

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