Big changes

So, I have a FGC(family group conference) coming up through CYFS(child, youth & family) this Thursday. I am pretty anxious about it. As when I talked to the social worker from there last week, she said they want to take our youngest 2 off us and send them to live with my sister. Which they are not allowed to say, as the FGC is to get together and make a plan regarding all the children. So it’s against the whole meaning of the meeting to suggest that. A few people have suggested they might just be trying to scare us.

As you could probably imagine, being told this has me feeling really upset and is tearing me to pieces. My children are my reason for living and they reason I have sought help, instead of ending my life when I felt suicidal. Calling for help was about caring for and protecting my children. And CYFS are ultimately about care and protection of the children.

They are using my mental health against me and any past mistakes against me. They don’t seem to be acknowledging all the positive things. They are suggesting that I have been neglecting my oldest daughter since she was 2. Which is just so far from the truth. They are suggesting her developmental delay, which was due to glue ear, is only partly that and that I am half the reason. They are saying things that are just not true! Like that she was exposed to too much technology growing up. Which is untrue. She never used a computer until she was 6 and she on occasion watched dvds. It’s hard enough they don’t want her living with me full time and I can’t imagine she feels too happy about that either. Her Dad wants to have her full time, but CYFS will not consider that until he has over time proven himself to be a capable parent. They are using his mental health against him too.

The shitty thing is, why are they focusing on us, who are loving and caring parents and nit picking about trivial things, when there are kids out there actually being abused or neglected?! As our kids are neither. It’s like, due to their failings in the past and kids being neglected, abused and killed and CYFS not taking action in those circumstances, they have tightened the reins way too much and are overreacting. As if you based declines in mental health, dark thoughts and imperfect parenting as a reason for taking people’s children away, so many of us would not have our children. As no parent is perfect and we learn as we go and yes, we do makes mistakes. We are human and humans are imperfect.

They want us to move to Nelson, to be closer to my family, which means more support with our parenting. And that is a huge thing to do. But for the sake of our children we will do that. But the hard part is, that I would have to leave my oldest here in Wellington. Though she has her Dad and his family and great support here. Which is great. But she is my first child and was my only child for 6 years. It is tearing me up the thought of leaving her and how she will feel about it. As she just wants to live with a parent, either her Dad or I. But CYFS say no and want her remaining with the carer she is living with currently. It will leave a huge hole in my heart leaving her behind. Though I will see her in the holidays. My youngest daughter finds it very upsetting that her big sister isn’t here and is really sad when she visits and then has to go again. She misses her big sister.

Moving to Nelson means leaving all my friends behind and it’s not cheap either. Not only is there the cost of moving the furniture, but there’s the cost of actually getting us there and then there is the how of finding somewhere to live.

I’ll be honest, I have self-harmed once since talking to the social worker last week and I having been struggling with the desire to do it again, but thankfully I have not. As I feel to blame for all this, like it’s all my fault and the self-harm was about punishing myself and an outlet for my intense emotions. As I feel like, if I hadn’t got so sick mentally, this wouldn’t all be happening. I have been having panic attacks nearly every night and am having trouble getting to sleep, due to all the thoughts going around in my head. I feel very anxious about this big change. It scares the crap out of me. I haven’t moved islands since 2004. Except for a brief 3 weeks back in 2006. All this is very distressing. The social worker seems convinced I will have a relapse in my mental health, though there is no evidence to support that. I have been getting better, not getting worse. She is using my unwellness and my lack of being able to be as emotionally connected as would be ideal and my inability to do practical things for my toddler, back when I was really unwell against me. I mean come on, I was not functioning back then and it’s not abnormal for these issues when someone is distressed that severely. But I think I have done pretty well considering I have had no therapy at all. And that is vital to my recovery. I have done pretty well in the ways I have improved with antidepressants. And we know that alone is not a fix. I am doing really well with regards to my baby. I actually have a bond with him now and interact with him. Which is a huge improvement from last month.

So yeah, that’s where things are at currently. I am just trying to keep myself as calm as possible. As I had been quite distraught and crying a lot after what the social worker said last week.

1st December 2013

Wow, it’s December already! I just clicked on my calender to see today’s date and discovered that. I often am not fully aware of exactly what date it is. I seem to have a pretty shocking short term memory due to my mental health. It gets especially worse when I get stressed. I have trouble making decisions too. It’s really bad. I’ll go to the supermarket wanting to buy some chocolate and due to my decision making be so ridiculously shocking, I’ll spend nearly 1/2 an hour there. Because I just can’t decide. And the more choices there are, the harder it is to make a decision. I have the same issue selecting a dvd. The only time getting a dvd is easy, is if I’ve watched the trailer and have decided that is the dvd I want.

My review at CMH(community mental health) on Wednesday highlighted to me yet again how bad my short term memory is. The psychiatrist asked how the weeks had been since my last review and before I had that distress last Friday and I honestly didn’t know and couldn’t answer the question. She has decided to up my dose of Venlafaxine(effexor). So I’ll be on 3 tablets, which is 225mgs per day.

I can’t remember if I have mentioned that I created a meet up/support group last year. Well anyway, I did, it’s called Like Minds Support and it’s to support others with mental health issues and meet up at times. I managed to finally organize my first meet up event and 2 people came. It was really nice to meet them and great to be able to share our experiences. It’s nice being around people who understand. It feels good.

I watched a few dvds this week. One I watched was so ridiculously crap. The rest were good. I watched ‘Disconnect’, which is such a good movie and then ‘This is the End’, which is a comedy and SO damn funny! And last night I watched ‘Fast & Furious 6’. I personally love those Fast & Furious movies. I’m a bit of a car enthusiast. I particularly like american muscle cars and some japanese cars, like the one’s in those movies. I also rather like what would be considered teen movies. I guess it’s because I’m young at heart, even if I am 34.

Well anyway, I’ve run out of things to write about for now, so I’ll go find a jigsaw to do online. Til next time.

Update

So, it’s been a few weeks since my last entry.

I can’t remember if I mentioned in my last post about me telling my case manager at Community Mental Health that I was really unimpressed by their lack of action/ help as I was declining, previous to that Friday when I could no longer cope. And how shocked I was that they suggested going straight back home, considering my dark thoughts and desires.

At my review this week, which included my case manager and the psychiatrist, they said they have taken on board my complaints. I expressed that I don’t have much faith in them anymore.

I had mentioned to my case manager before I left respite, that based on what my Mum had told her psychiatrist about what has been going on with me, that he thought I may have some kind of personality disorder and that some support workers at the respite had suggested I may be suffering some post traumatic stress disorder. At my review, my psychiatrist agreed I do have many of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. And yes, possibly post traumatic stress disorder. But that would be explored later (the PTSD)

From what I have read, it seems to explain what has been going on with me.

My Venlafaxine(effexor) has been increased from 2 x 37.5mg tablets to 2 x 75mg tablets.

I’ll admit I have been struggling a lot with the desire to self harm and have given in once since I’ve been home. But that’s more because with my fiancé being at home, I don’t get the opportunity. And have also felt like running away, a lot.

I’m feeling this weird detachment from my baby, like he’s not mine and I didn’t give birth to him. Clearly I need to get some therapy and work through this. Though honestly, right now, I’d rather be in the psych ward or in a respite house. I don’t want to be living, this that is my life. I am forcing myself daily to stay put and not run. Though it’s very hard. I have almost no interest in my baby and don’t want to deal with him, so I’m not. My fiancé is doing everything for him.

I was watching a video on YouTube earlier explaining reasons why people self harm and so much of it rang true.

At times I feel fearful of going out in public, paranoid about what people from my daughters school and kindy might be thinking about me or what they might know about my situation.

I also feel fearful and anxious about going home and take my time getting home. I’m constantly trying to distract myself with reading or TV, to avoid my thoughts and panic. Though it’s always there much of the day.

I felt pretty freaked out and overwhelmed about the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

That’s all I have to post about for now.

Another decline in my mental health

So, apparently the medical term for having what used to be referred to as a mental or nervous breakdown, is now referred to as a Major Depressive Episode. And severe depression is described as Major Depressive Disorder. Both of which I have been experiencing lately. As well as anxiety and panic attacks.

At some point around the start of last week I became stressed and then that began to effect my sleep. I believe it was Monday that this started happening. I had also run out of 2 of my medications that help with sleep and panic and anxiety. Lorazepam(1/2 a tablet twice a day) for the panic and anxiety and Zopiclone(1 tablet) for sleep. Oh and now I am on 2 antidepressants. 1 Mirtazapine and 2 Venlafaxine(Effexor).

So what started happening when I became stressed is, whenever I would go to bed and try to sleep, my mind would just go into overdrive and wouldn’t shut up. Mainly songs repeating in my head or thoughts. Then came panic attacks and anxiety. After a day or so, this sleep issue and the panic and anxiety started effecting my ability to keep food down and as it worsened, I became unable to keep anything down for long, even my medications and my appetite just disappeared. Things that I would experience at night when I would go to bed and try to sleep were, feeling like I was absolutely boiling, though the room temperature was cold and my heart going so fast, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. Any sleep I would get, wouldn’t last long and it was very disrupted sleep. Even sleeping in another room with ear plugs in and a eye mask and darkness didn’t help. It seems my body has forgotten how to sleep. And sleep deprivation and/or poor quality sleep has a very negative effect on my mental health. I had been trying to no avail to get help from the mental health team, only to be declined over and over. After a phone call from my case manager and my request for help and appropriate medication was again declined, I just lost it. I felt enraged and wanted to throw the phone at the wall and smash it to piece’s. But I didn’t, as I figured I might need the phone. I then just totally broke down. I fell on hands and knee’s and just sobbed/howled/wailed uncontrollably and very loudly. I was no longer able to cope and was making little sense when I rung my fiancé and asked him to come home. I tried through this unwellness to do what I needed to for my family and children. I was so sleep and food deprived by Thursday, that I was losing it, even with home help here. Doing stuff like rocking, jiggling my legs, hitting my forehead with my palm, tugging at my hair and wanting to knock myself out on the kitchen sink. I had to go down to the chemist to get my medication and my youngest daughter wanted to come with me. Driving, I felt like I was dreaming and like I could easily crash, due to impaired judgement and impaired alertness. When I got out of the car with her, I felt hyper vigilant and vulnerable and unable to protect myself or her and like I was not aware enough of my surroundings and felt paranoid. I really shouldn’t have been driving in that state. That day I avoided doing much for the baby, unless absolutely necessary. I just wanted someone else to care for him, as I was unfit to, in my state. There was a point that day, where, though I had company and baby was happy and content. I wanted to harm him. For no reason, I just felt this violence. I had already called some relatives of my fiance’s to come look after the children so I could sleep. Eventually my fiance’s sister came over and I went and had a sleep. But despite any sleep I got, it just wasn’t quality sleep and was very disrupted. Things that would happen during this time of sleep deprivation were, shaking, uncontrollable jiggling of 1 leg, becoming distraught, feeling enraged and feeling constantly panicked and anxious.

By Friday morning, I had reached whatever limit there was to my coping. I wanted to harm my children, but especially the baby and I wanted to harm myself. So I sat there, once my fiancé had gone to work, considering what actions to take. Such as, drop my daughter at Kindy and then maybe just leave baby there in his capsule and run off. Drop my daughter to Kindy and the baby and car off to my fiancé’s work and run off. But baby was asleep when I got to Kindy, so I dropped my daughter off and then went home. Knowing that I felt so violent and like harming myself and baby, I knew I had to try and keep my kids safe from me. So I called 111 and told them how I was feeling. Police came over and they called my fiancé to tell him he needed to come home. They called the CATT team, who are a mental health crisis team, expecting they would request me to be assessed and taken to hospital. But unfortunately, because I am under the community mental health team, this did not happen and I was taken into my case managers office. I was so desperate to self harm, I tried using a paper clip, but that wasn’t sharp, so didn’t do a thing. I was considering using a drawing pin, but didn’t get the opportunity. And when I was left in another room, I was considering using the phone cord to try bring an end to my suffering. But the curtains were open, so I wouldn’t have succeeded at that. I was assessed and asked lots of questions and asked to make decisions. None of which I was able to do, as I was barely functioning on little sleep and no food. They wanted to send me home, but my fiancé said no, that was not wise. I mean, really, seriously, why the hell would you try and send someone home who wants to harm their kids, especially the baby and kill themselves?! I told them I felt the best place for me was hospital and they simply said no. They eventually decided on sending me to a respite house, despite others feeling hospital was wiser. So I was at respite from Friday afternoon til Tuesday afternoon. Where honestly, I still felt vulnerable and unsafe. Though I did manage to get sleep and start eating again. But I didn’t feel ready to go home so soon. The one good thing about the support workers there is that they have all experienced mental illness and distress. So they are very understanding, non-judgemental and easy to talk to.

Unfortunately, because I am so unwell and I still feel unsafe to care for the baby, my fiancé has had to give up working.

It’s been a week since I got to my worst and I still feel very unwell mentally and do not feel at all safe to look after the baby. I need to get some therapy and work out what is going on, to make me feel this way. As my rational mind knows it’s not right. It has been suggested by some, that maybe I am suffering some PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) and may also have a personality disorder. So I am awaiting an assessment by someone more qualified then the Psychiatrist at community mental health.

I have expressed my dissatisfaction and lack of faith in this mental health team and my case manager and his colleagues. But haven’t seen him since he dropped me home on Tuesday and not heard from anyone there.

I do not feel totally safe at home. I worry about my desire to self harm and my rejection and dark feelings towards my baby. I feel distressed when he wakes or cries and not in a good way.

So that’s where things are at.

This week and how things have been

Made a bad decision based on being overwhelmed.

You see, I was trying to get baby to sleep and my toddler kept demanding a bottle. So I got her one. Then later she was demanding food and I explained I would get her food once baby was asleep. So she kept on and on and had a tantrum and kept screaming. Anyway, I ended up having to put him down, she was screaming outside my door, which had woken him up, just after I’d got him down. I did lots of yelling all through out this time. Went out my door, kicked the shit out of several doors around me and the safety gate, luckily breaking nothing. Got her some food and went upstairs to re-settle baby. I was pretty upset by this point, so I took 2 lorazepam, and still I was distraught, so I took 2 more and 2 of my antidepressants.

See, I was just over feeling depressed and I wanted to feel happy and calm. That was my reason. Though I must admit earlier I felt like I wanted to sit in the corner and slash my wrists, but really I knew I wouldn’t do that.

Anyway, my GP called to check in on me and see how meds were going, as my antidepressant has been increased to 1 tablet, instead of 1/2 a tablet and asked how I was, so I told her about taking those tablets and why I had done that.

So, I’m sitting upstairs relaxing for once, yes, maybe feeling a bit drowsy and chilled and next thing I hear loud knocking on my front door(which is downstairs) and again, so I went downstairs and I see an ambulance officer at the door and one in the yard and an ambulance and one ambulance officer climbing towards my roof(I assume that’s in case I didn’t answer the door) I opened the door and they were like, you need to come with us, your GP called us and told us you’ve taken a few tablets. And I was like yes, but I wasn’t trying to overdose, I was just wanting to feel happy and calm.

So I had to get my fiance home to look after the kids.

They considered it a small overdose and took me to A & E and did obs on me and then sent me to short stay to wait for CATT team to come assess me.

So, oops! I wasn’t even trying to do anything stupid and ended up being sent to hospital and oh, how mean, they didn’t give my antidepressants back!

Note to self…don’t self medicate!

As a result of my misuse of meds, they have now limited it to me having to pick up my daily dose of Lorazepam and Phenagan from the pharmacy. And if I don’t get to the pharmacy at all, I don’t get that day’s meds, as in even if I come the next day, I only get the meds for that day, not any day I can’t get to pharmacy.

While I understand why they have done this, it causes me more stress. As some day I just want to stay home and also, it’s using up more petrol.

And I thought, ok, that sucks, but I understand the reasons.

And in other news, yesterday I was having a really bad day, where I was crying a lot and had tears streaming down my face a lot. As baby was being difficult and only had 1 sleep during the day and I was just feeling down in general, before having this issue.

Then things got worse. I was informed lady from Open Home Foundation has emailed CYFS(Child Youth & Family Service). As I had said I smacked my youngest daughter’s butt. And when I say smack, it was more like a tap on her butt, not an actual smack. But here’s where it gets bad, my case manager from CMH(Community Mental Health) has told a straight out lie and said to her(Open Home Foundation lady) that I said I wanted to shut my toddler in the cupboard. So that and the smack on the butt apparently is why CYFS have been contacted. I found this out because she called my fiance and told him last night and when he told me what she said, I was in shock and became quite distraught. As I don’t consider smacking my toddler 2 times in 3 1/2 years child abuse. Plus the smack, was more like a tap. I understand due to the changes in the law, even an innocent smack/tap has to be reported by people in these agencies, as the 1 other time I had smacked her, which was twice on the leg, I had told the Psychiatrist at CMH and they put in a referral to CYFS, but they told me they had done that and that is why Open Home Foundation became involved, to help us as a family get more support. But I am like WTF, about the lie my case manager told. And my fiance was shocked too, not about the innocent tap on the butt, as I admitted to that and had obviously mentioned it to Open Home Foundation lady. But about the cupboard, as he knows I would never do such a thing or even think of it. I don’t know why such a lie would be told. And yeah, based on what Open Home Foundation lady was told, even though it’s not true, I understand why she would be making a referral. Fact is, it is not true at all.

Why would someone tell such a lie? And such a damaging and concerning lie.

You see, if you ever admit to smacking your child, even if it’s not abuse and you tell a government funded agency, like CMH(Community Mental Health), MMH(Maternal Mental Health) or Open Home Foundation worker, say like a case manager, counsellor, support worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. They are obligated to report it to CYFS.

So yeah, things have been pretty challenging for me this week.

Back home again

So, it seems like, with the public health system and their treatment of me, they tell me one thing, though they have already decided on another. That being, they told me I was going home for the weekend and they told me that on Thursday and then they inform me on Friday, the day I am due to go home for the weekend, that, no, actually they are discharging me and the doctor tells me, that time I have spent there at the ward and in respite, is as much as they are offering me and that I need to get home for Dylan’s (my newborn) sake and that is most important. So pretty much, right, we’ve done what we can, now off you go home and deal with reality, as we won’t be taking you back.

I have found it really frustrating the lack of information and say I have had in anything. It seems like, they make a decision about me and tell me this is what’s happening. Without consulting me or giving me any say in it. Such as, the other day when they asked how I felt about respite and then told me that’s where I was going. No asking if I want to go, as I said I didn’t feel ready, but they said well that’s what’s happening. And then regarding my antidepressants, the one’s they were aware made me really ill. They upped the dose from 1/2 a tablet to 2 tablets. So they tripled my dose without taking me into consideration and the effect that would have on me.

Also, they sent me home on Friday and then I find out, they have told my fiance to go back to work on Wednesday. Which left me feeling panicked and in tears before I left. As I’m not ready to do it all on my own yet. And I was left under the impression previously, he would not be going back to work for another week.

I felt my needs and my mental health and transition back into everyday life is being rushed and I don’t need that stress.

Since being back at home, I am still having sleep issues. Like I spend most of the time in bed awake, hoping to fall asleep and maybe averaging 1-2 hrs sleep a night, if even that. I have experienced waking to my body shaking in a state of panic, due to being tired and unable to properly sleep. But at least I still have my appetite. It’s just the lack of sleep is not good for my mental health. And I have had to use the Lorazepam at least twice to get myself out of panic mode and get some rest. And apparently the pills they gave me for insomnia are supposed to allow me 6-8 hrs sleep. Well they don’t even get me 2 hrs sleep. It’s so frustrating!

Breastfeeding has it’s ups and downs. I went from expressing small amounts at first, while I was at the ward and respite, to a good 100mls, sometimes more. And then I was unable to see my baby for 2 days and my milk supply went down to 10mls. Apparently the body can get confused without regular contact with your baby and it will try dry up the milk supply due to this. So I have had 1 day at home where I breastfed for 2 hrs straight and then another 3 hrs straight and after that I was exhausted and in tears. Though my supply is getting a little better now. I keep having issues where I would go, right, I’m giving up and I’ll just formula feed and then every time the next day would arrive, I’d go back on that decision. I know my sleep issue is not helping with things.

It’s true, sleep deprivation is torture!

I went into the ward today and said Hi, to my friends in there. It was nice to see them and introduce them to my baby, those who hadn’t seen him.

Yesterday didn’t start so well. The baby woke at around 5am and took 5 hrs to get back to sleep, despite my best efforts and my fiances. I ended up giving up and crying and having a lorazepam and having a nap. And I’ll admit in my desperation and panic, I did have a slight desire to self harm, but thankfully I took my chill pills instead. And I get anxious when I can’t find anything to do. It’s like I feel like I have to constantly be doing something. But I keep telling myself to take it easy and that it’s ok to relax. I’m definitely suffering from hyper arousal. Which would be part of the sleep issue. I wish I could sleep properly!

My friend visited yesterday and she seemed really sad to hear what I have been going through. She even had tears in her eyes. I must admit, I do find it hard talking about the feelings I experienced that got me to that bad place last week and that I continued to experience for most of the past 9 days.

Today went ok I feel. Yes, I got baby back to sleep this morning, but only by laying him on my chest, but that meant I couldn’t fall asleep and then I put him in his bassinet and he woke a few minutes later. So I just let my fiance deal with him, as I needed some sleep. So I took 1 1/2 Lorazepam and had a nap. As I so needed to keep calm and have some rest. We did a few things, like went to an appointment, I visited friends in the ward, then we came home for a few hours and had a lady from home help come over and then we went to the baby shop and got some things we needed and came home and that went fine. Which is good. No panic stations going on for me, so that’s a positive. I am hoping it will go as well when I do it alone, once my fiance is back at work.

Well that is all for today. I am feeling tired

Another update on things

So, like I mentioned in the previous entry, I had a review coming up. And I must admit I was very panicked and anxious about that. I found it very overwhelming with all the people in the room, talking about my situation and formulating some kind of plan. I just wanted to curl up on my seat and cry. Though by the end of it, I felt a bit more calm.

I don’t think it helped that my antidepressant had made me quite sick that day and therefore I was feeling in general unwell and on edge.

I told the doctor in the review that the current antidepressant just doesn’t suit. So I have been put back on Mirtazapine at a lower dose and that one helps me sleep thankfully and doesn’t make me sick.

I am supposed to be going home for the weekend to see how that goes. I was finding the thought of that daunting and feeling quite panicked this morning, so I had to ask for a Lorazepam to calm my panic.

It’s just scary when you have been away from home and that whole routine for just over a week and remembering how things went before I ended up in here. Oh, thought I should mention, I am back at the ward, while they try this antidepressant on me again. The Mirtazapine.

The confidence you lose in yourself doesn’t help at all. So I am hoping I can give it a try and it will go fine and that my mind can begin to understand that I am capable.

I guess I will update again after the weekend or maybe during the weekend.

I did feel as a result of that review and a conversation I had with my older girls granddad, that there was pressure from him to sort myself out asap, which I felt was unfair and putting unnecessary pressure on me.

Though she will be fine. She is going to respite care and staying with a really lovely lady who has been involved with her at her school. Whom I personally love as a person and totally trust and I know it will be a positive experience for her. So that’s good.

Hopefully I won’t need another Lorazepam before I go home tomorrow. Though I might ask for one. It just helps ease my panic.

Something positive that has come out of being here, is meeting a few women, who I consider friends on some level. Who I would love to keep in touch with outside of here. 1 whom I knew already from outside of here and another in the same situation with the panic and anxiety and stress over the whole new baby thing. So it’s really refreshing having some people to chat to in here.

That is all for now. Thanks for reading 🙂

My mental health presently

What I feel like I am experiencing, is hypervigilance, hyper arousal, panic disorder, PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), social phobia and depression.

I feel like I’m broken. And this antidepressant is just horrible, I struggle not to throw up and feel on the verge of being sick most of the day, I feel unmotivated and depressed and I still suffer from panic and panic attacks and I feel tired all the time, yet I’m not able to sleep properly.

Yesterday they got me to leave the Psych ward and I am now in a respite house. I kind of felt like I didn’t have a choice in whether to come here or stay in the ward. They pretty much worded it like someone else needs your room urgently, so this is what is happening.

I feel fearful and panicked most of the time. And all I want is to just feel normal again. I want my life back. I just feel so very broken.

I have developed all these intense levels of mental illness that I have never experienced before. This current state and that of the last week, is very severe.

I don’t know the why or how of how this all came to be. But I hate it. I don’t feel like ME anymore. I feel like who I was is gone and I feel like a shell of myself.

I miss my family and I feel like I’ve somewhat abandoned them, even though I see them once a day. Though I haven’t seen my oldest daughter since last Wednesday afternoon.

I’m scared and worried nearly all the time about the future or even the day ahead. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep or rest all the time. But that gets me nowhere.

I have a review tomorrow and that is worrying me.

I can’t sleep properly, I can’t eat properly and I have hardly got an appetite.

Interesting

I had someone share this youtube clip with me today.

I found it very interesting and some of it very accurate regarding some antidepressants.

It does happen, as it’s described and it clearly is a risk for some, as I recall certain antidepressants in the past, having some of those risks as a possible side effect, listed in the pamphlet.

Thursday 10th May 2012

So, I’ve just finished reading a booklet on Panic. It was very interesting and insightful and has given me a lot to think about.

If I can start to apply some of the strategies, that would be beneficial.

It pretty much explained quite well why we Panic and what causes Panic Attacks. It’s like the acronym for FEAR.

F- False
E- Expectations
A- Appearing
R- Real

If that makes sense. So what is happening with panic is, it’s like we have an alarm and alarms are generally good, but it’s like we have a somewhat faulty or over-sensitive alarm. Think of a smoke alarm, that goes off from the slightest smoke or a car alarm, that goes off due to the wind or a house alarm being set off by the cat.

None of these things are a threat, but these alarms are perceiving them as threats. It’s a bit like that with our anxiety and panic. We’ve got a faulty/over-sensitive alarm system. Where we perceive threats which aren’t really there. Which can be due to many things, like stress, some medical conditions, trauma, or unresolved issues.

Our panic attacks can come about either out of the blue or as a response to the above factors.

So, what we have to do is learn/practice strategies to lessen our anxiety or panic and gradually, our mind and body will come to understand over time, there is no threat.

We have to teach ourselves/prove to ourselves that nothing bad is going to happen or does ever happen as a result. That is where, out fear, anxiety and panic come from. Us perceiving there is a threat to our lives or safety or that of those around us.

The reason for our panicked state is a natural reaction to perceived threat. Fear is there to protect us and gear our bodies to ‘fight or flight’. It’s just with those of us with anxiety and panic attacks, we are on high alert much of the time and our body is geared to respond appropriately to the perceived threat. Which for us, is generally not a threat at all. No wonder we get fatigued as a result of anxiety and/or panic. As our body is working over time!

The booklet outlined a few techniques. Such as: breathing, distraction, challenging/questioning your fearful thoughts and proving to yourself or reminding yourself of the fact that nothing bad ever happened as a result of your panic. Such as, you are still here, still alive, still standing and you didn’t faint, choke or have a heart attack, which are a few things you might fear happening as a result of your panicked state.

Anyway, today I went to Compass Health in town for an assessment. It was 1 hour long. Had a really long, thorough chat to the lady there. She asked lots of in-depth and thorough questions, which was good. Explained a few things about anxiety and how it drains us quite a lot. And did a K10 assessment(well I think that’s what it’s called anyway) and the results were: mild to moderate depression and moderate to severe anxiety. Not all that surprising. But thing is, I do actually feel good after having that appointment and reading the booklet on Panic. Has cleared and explained a few things to me.

So, I’m back on antidepressants. I was put on Escitalopram(loxalate) 10mgs. I was given anti-nausea tablets to counteract the nausea. Though in saying that, though the nausea is less, it’s still quite severe. I have been struggling with trying not to throw up each morning. These antidepressants are making me feel somewhat like a Zombie. They seem to be very sedative. And I have now learnt the difference between fatigue and sedate. Fatigue I can handle and I almost in comparison to feeling sedate, say fatigue seems like energetic to me, compared to my current state.

So I have gone from being anxious and depressed and fatigued. To feeling sedated, depressed at feeling sedated, still anxious, horrible nausea and my sleep is terrible! I have gone from sleeping through the night before I started on them, to now waking up to 6 times during the night and morning. And I just feel tired ALL DAY! As in, even if I nap, I still feel tired and I can barely even nap. I feel like resting or sitting or laying down all the time and I can’t get a good sleep at all!

I was curious as to why I stopped taking Escitalopram the last time. So I read my initial blog posts from when I started blogging. And it seems, even after 3 months of being on this one, the side effects were still a big issue and didn’t go away at all. As generally, they are supposed to last 2-3 weeks. Not 3+ months. So I am now thinking, though Venlafaxine(Effexor) made me nauseous and fatigued, they have nothing on these crappy side effects I am currently experiencing.

The reason I wanted to get back on to antidepressants is due to the severe anxiety I have with driving and motorways and heavy traffic. As I need to go up to Otaki to see my older daughter Sophie, who is up there at camp. And my fear or driving all that way was making me highly anxious and panicky. So I thought, right, get back on antidepressants and I should be sorted to calmly drive up there. But now, I am so sedated most of the day, I do not even feel safe driving on the motorway for any longer then 10 minutes. As I feel not quite with it and my reactions are slowed. Therefore, I have decided, at least for the short term, to stop taking them. As I can not be a danger on the road, to myself or anyone else and I need to be able to focus and be alert, to drive for nearly 2 hours up there and then back.

My doctor and the lady from Compass Health, have both put a recommendation through for me to be assessed by a Psychiatrist, so I can find a better antidepressant for me. And they have both recommended seeing a Counsellor or Psychologist who deals in CBT(Cognative Behaviour Therapy) and DBT(Dialectical Behaviour Therapy). Which are both proven to be great techniques for people suffering with Anxiety Disorders.

Feeling good about that plan. As I have a lot of respect for CBT based therapy.

On the subject of all these things. I felt very good about one of my answers on that K10 assessment. Which was to the questions: “how often do you feel worthless?” and I responded “not at all”. So that makes it clear to me, a lot of my issues are just my brain and the way it’s wired. As it’s clearly not my attitude or self talk or any kind of negative self image.

I was also quite happy to hear from the lady who assessed me, that she feels I am very self-aware and quite good at picking up on my warning signs, regarding my mental health. Yay me 😀

I was thinking on something else today. I was thinking, I am probably lacking the spiritual parts of me being nourished. As I’ve not been to church for a while.

I just get put off, when it’s about subjects I am not exactly obeying and then I feel guilty, as I don’t plan to obey them and therefore I stay away from church.

Anyway, that’s all from me.