Made a bad decision based on being overwhelmed.

You see, I was trying to get baby to sleep and my toddler kept demanding a bottle. So I got her one. Then later she was demanding food and I explained I would get her food once baby was asleep. So she kept on and on and had a tantrum and kept screaming. Anyway, I ended up having to put him down, she was screaming outside my door, which had woken him up, just after I’d got him down. I did lots of yelling all through out this time. Went out my door, kicked the shit out of several doors around me and the safety gate, luckily breaking nothing. Got her some food and went upstairs to re-settle baby. I was pretty upset by this point, so I took 2 lorazepam, and still I was distraught, so I took 2 more and 2 of my antidepressants.

See, I was just over feeling depressed and I wanted to feel happy and calm. That was my reason. Though I must admit earlier I felt like I wanted to sit in the corner and slash my wrists, but really I knew I wouldn’t do that.

Anyway, my GP called to check in on me and see how meds were going, as my antidepressant has been increased to 1 tablet, instead of 1/2 a tablet and asked how I was, so I told her about taking those tablets and why I had done that.

So, I’m sitting upstairs relaxing for once, yes, maybe feeling a bit drowsy and chilled and next thing I hear loud knocking on my front door(which is downstairs) and again, so I went downstairs and I see an ambulance officer at the door and one in the yard and an ambulance and one ambulance officer climbing towards my roof(I assume that’s in case I didn’t answer the door) I opened the door and they were like, you need to come with us, your GP called us and told us you’ve taken a few tablets. And I was like yes, but I wasn’t trying to overdose, I was just wanting to feel happy and calm.

So I had to get my fiance home to look after the kids.

They considered it a small overdose and took me to A & E and did obs on me and then sent me to short stay to wait for CATT team to come assess me.

So, oops! I wasn’t even trying to do anything stupid and ended up being sent to hospital and oh, how mean, they didn’t give my antidepressants back!

Note to self…don’t self medicate!

As a result of my misuse of meds, they have now limited it to me having to pick up my daily dose of Lorazepam and Phenagan from the pharmacy. And if I don’t get to the pharmacy at all, I don’t get that day’s meds, as in even if I come the next day, I only get the meds for that day, not any day I can’t get to pharmacy.

While I understand why they have done this, it causes me more stress. As some day I just want to stay home and also, it’s using up more petrol.

And I thought, ok, that sucks, but I understand the reasons.

And in other news, yesterday I was having a really bad day, where I was crying a lot and had tears streaming down my face a lot. As baby was being difficult and only had 1 sleep during the day and I was just feeling down in general, before having this issue.

Then things got worse. I was informed lady from Open Home Foundation has emailed CYFS(Child Youth & Family Service). As I had said I smacked my youngest daughter’s butt. And when I say smack, it was more like a tap on her butt, not an actual smack. But here’s where it gets bad, my case manager from CMH(Community Mental Health) has told a straight out lie and said to her(Open Home Foundation lady) that I said I wanted to shut my toddler in the cupboard. So that and the smack on the butt apparently is why CYFS have been contacted. I found this out because she called my fiance and told him last night and when he told me what she said, I was in shock and became quite distraught. As I don’t consider smacking my toddler 2 times in 3 1/2 years child abuse. Plus the smack, was more like a tap. I understand due to the changes in the law, even an innocent smack/tap has to be reported by people in these agencies, as the 1 other time I had smacked her, which was twice on the leg, I had told the Psychiatrist at CMH and they put in a referral to CYFS, but they told me they had done that and that is why Open Home Foundation became involved, to help us as a family get more support. But I am like WTF, about the lie my case manager told. And my fiance was shocked too, not about the innocent tap on the butt, as I admitted to that and had obviously mentioned it to Open Home Foundation lady. But about the cupboard, as he knows I would never do such a thing or even think of it. I don’t know why such a lie would be told. And yeah, based on what Open Home Foundation lady was told, even though it’s not true, I understand why she would be making a referral. Fact is, it is not true at all.

Why would someone tell such a lie? And such a damaging and concerning lie.

You see, if you ever admit to smacking your child, even if it’s not abuse and you tell a government funded agency, like CMH(Community Mental Health), MMH(Maternal Mental Health) or Open Home Foundation worker, say like a case manager, counsellor, support worker, psychologist or psychiatrist. They are obligated to report it to CYFS.

So yeah, things have been pretty challenging for me this week.