June 2014

Wow, it’s June already! The moving date seems to be approaching faster now. I find initially the time drags, once you have decided on a date. But once it gets closer to the time, suddenly time seems to speed up and before you know it, it’s time to move. I have certainly found that to be true in the last 2 weeks. As it is now just over 3 weeks til moving day.

There was a story on NZ TV on a show called ‘3rd Degree’ last night, which was a story I was very interested in watching. Here is the link: http://www.3news.co.nz/Husband-forgives-wife-for-cutting-babys-throat/tabid/1771/articleID/347108/Default.aspx

It was about an event that happened last year I think. I recall sending a letter of support to the lady who was in this story. It is about a lady who had PPP/PNS(postpartum psychosis/postnatal psychosis) and in her psychosis she cut her babies throat and then was in the process of cutting her own wrists when her husband found her. And they had sought help just 24 hours prior to this incident. With the doctor at the local hospital responding with “oh, she just has PND(postnatal depression), just take her to your GP”. Despite the fact that she was exhibiting very obvious symptoms of PPP/PNP.

Of course after the incident occurred the diagnosis was made and she was sent for a stay in a psychiatric facility. But I feel and many others feel, this incident could have been avoided if a doctor had really listened to her and given her the appropriate help.

But, oh my goodness, the comments I have been seeing on just FB alone about this story! Some people are just so quick to judge and persecute this women! They do not look at the fact that she had a traumatic birth and for some, this factor alone can trigger PPP/PNP and they do not look at the fact she sought help and was effectively fobbed off. They just judge her.

I personally have a lot of compassion for this women and her situation. As I know how hugely mental health, hospitals and/or the medical profession can fail so many people.

I mean, gosh, you do the right thing and try and get help and you get fobbed off and next minute, these horrific headlines happen, which honestly could have been avoided.

There is this whole push and encouragement to seek help. Yet often people do and they are not given the help they so desperately need. And people wonder why some just don’t bother to reach out…

And maybe it doesn’t make me a whole lot of friend’s disagreeing with these judgemental types. But hey, I don’t know them, they don’t know me and I am going to support someone if I believe in them.

Unless you have experienced this level of psychosis, I feel it is not fair to judge. But people will have their own opinions and stance on this and they are entitled to that, as am I.

I cried many times through the story when I watched it last night. I cried about her seeking help and being fobbed off, I cried about her getting to such a point that she took the actions she took, I cried about her not being allowed to see her baby, I cried watching her respond to her husbands recollection of the events on that day when this incident occurred and then I cried when the not guilty verdict came in and she finally was allowed her daughter home again.

People moan about, how can they give her baby back, when she did what she did. But they forget, she is never ever allowed to be left alone with her daughter and she does have to live with what she did for the rest of her life.

I am glad though, she got the help and she is now doing so well. Back to her former self.

Right, onto another subject.

So I did end up mentioning to my CMH(community mental health) nurse about how I really felt the need for respite last week, but was unable to talk to her about it, due to her visit being cut short. And I said to her I did manage to get through the week, via self-medicating with a fair bit of chocolate LOL! And she asked me if I would still like to have some respite, before it gets too close to the moving date. And I said yes, that would be good. So she has arranged it and I get to have 2 nights in respite. Which will be tomorrow afternoon until Sunday. Which should be good, to just get me away for a little bit from my everyday life, responsibilities and stress for a short time, before it’s full steam ahead with moving duties. So I hope those few days are beneficial. As I seem to be getting more stress thrown my way lately. As it seems you sort out 1 stress and then before I know it, I am presented with yet another stress and then another.

As, money stress seems to be it presently. As we are on a payment holiday with the finance company and then suddenly they try and take a payment out, without informing us that they plan to do this and now we are in debit of $165! And then someone from a different part of their team calls us today and says the payment starts in 2 weeks and then another person says, yesterday. Argh! Stress!

And we are like, ok, this is not ideal. And then I go and pick my 10 month old up from daycare and I am told we owe the childcare place nearly $700! And I am like, how?! As WINZ(work & income) pay the subsidy and we pay the remainder, so how is there an arrears? I said to the admin lady, in theory I think CYFS(child, youth & family) should have to pay for any stuff up, as it was them who imposed this compulsory childcare on us. And we have paid exactly what the remainder not covered by the WINZ subsidy is, so it is in no way our stuff up. I just do not need anymore stress.

As I always quietly in the back of my mind, start blaming myself for all of this. I know I shouldn’t, but I do.

Last week, my stressed was nearly added to, after my sister’s ex went and told her I was worried about living in her flat(the one we will be renting) and about her taking her moods out on me. And she very nearly was going to tell us to find somewhere else to live. Thankfully my Mum talked her out of this. And she asked me about this and I reassured her, this was actually quite some time ago that I had said this and I no longer have those concerns and I was quite stressed myself at the time and I tend to over worry and get over sensitive and over-react at times like this. So thankfully she appreciated my honesty and thanked me for it and has stopped stressing.

A few days ago, my fiance’s computer monitor died. So he took over my computer, then took over my tablet and then ended up taking over the TV, by using it as a monitor! And I was like, really?! You are THAT addicted to your computer?! I was so damn bored yesterday with no source of technology, I was nearly desperate enough to do housework, simply to occupy my boredom! Thankfully my friend came and saved the day and visited at that time. And thankfully I remembered another friend has a husband who works in I.T and I asked her if they had a spare monitor, which they do, so yay, crisis averted 🙂

Ok. So I am done with my blog entry for today and I will post again at some point. I must say, I am really looking to tomorrow afternoon and my stay in respite. I really need it right now!

Stuff

I have been wanting to make the time to blog a few times in the last week, but I either get distracting wasting time on good old Facebook or by the time I find the time, it is usually very late at night and I need to sleep.

I have gotten into a bit of a bad habit lately of going to bed quite late.

So since my last post, my fiancé has started talking to me again. But still hasn’t explained what is up with his sensitivity and mood lately. And when I asked him why he isn’t trying to get sex from me, he doesn’t respond. As to me, it is a bit strange he is not trying to get any. As usually he is. So of course it naturally makes me wonder.

I had a big blow up at him last week some time. I can’t even recall what provoked it. There was probably some mention in there from me about the importance of communication, as well as my frustration that he does not appear to notice if I am sad, upset or depressed and how it hurts that he doesn’t ask me how I am anymore. I can’t recall if there was anything else that I bought up in my big blow up. Though I think I mentioned that why I end up blowing up is partly because I do not feel I can really communicate with him or express how I feel, without him taking it as some kind of attack or insult. And that it is simply me expressing my feelings and not me in any way suggesting anything is his fault. I do recall mentioning to him that other people have observed something that he does, which is actually something that bothers me a lot too. Which is that he watches my every move when we are out and that he also likes to act like he does absolutely everything for our youngest 2 kids and like I do nothing. And he never acknowledges all that I do for both children. I am treated like I am expected to do all of the housework with no help from him and like it is unreasonable for me to every so often, ask him to cook dinner, just once in 1 week. And then I’m sure I probably just went to our room and had a big cry.

I have enjoyed spending more of the weekends with my older daughter here. It just feels natural and normal and it is just a time where I can enjoy life and feel something good. But once she has gone back to her carer, my mood drops again.

Not having her here has such a huge effect on not only me, but my younger daughter too. My younger daughters behaviour has been really all over the place due to how she is affected by not having her sister here.

I often feel like, certain people either in my life or involved in my life do not understand or appear to give me permission to be so hugely effected by all that has happened since last August and especially regarding my oldest daughter. I felt like I had to defend myself and argue the point the other day with my CMH(community mental health) nurse. As she did not seem to think that it was healthy or productive that I had been crying a lot over the fact that moving means leaving my oldest daughter behind. And I was explaining to her, that all that has happened since last August has had a huge effect on me and that I feel it is vital for any attempt at really recovering from all this, that I have one to one therapy, so I can deal with all that has happened.

Because we were pressed for time when she was over, my CMH nurse, I did not get the opportunity to talk to her about how my mental health has been lately and ask about the possibility of some time in respite.

Also, there is always that paranoia that CYFS(child, youth & family) might find out and try and use it against me. As somehow they always find out! And I do not know how. As surely it is some breach of confidentiality or my privacy, this information being passed on. As it is not meant to be!

The reason I feel that I need a little time in respite, is because I have been really struggling a lot lately, with stress, depression, grief, feelings of anger, wanting to yell at my fiancé, increased irritability and low mood. I feel some time in respite could benefit me, by giving me a break from my daily routine and the stresses I am having to deal with lately and allowing me some time to just be, with no responsibility or expectations on me. As I am not feeling so strong at the moment and I feel I really need some time out to have an opportunity to renew my strength and to continue fighting on and trying to get through this time of great stress.

I keep trying to convince myself that, no, I will be ok and that maybe I can just keep trying and get through it. But then, I am aware that I may not get an opportunity to take up any respite before we move and do I want to risk being exposed to more stress leading up to the move and potentially getting worse and more distressed. It is hard to know what the right and appropriate thing to do is sometimes.

All I know is this, I feel sad, I am crying right now just writing all this, I am anxious about what might happen if I don’t ask for help and I am grieving a lot and struggling a lot with not having my older daughter living with me and moving so far away from her and seeing her way less.

She makes me happy, her just being here. Seeing her happy really brings me joy.

I hate what has happened and how CYFS came along and ruined my life for the time being. Just because I suffer from a mental illness and had what is termed a Major Depressive Episode. A Major Depressive Episode is the medical term for what happened to me, which resulted in my brief hospitalization.

All this shit has had a huge effect on so many aspects of my life. It has not only affected my immediate family, as in my fiancé and kids. But it has also effected my parents, my sisters, my finances and my older daughters Dads side of the family.

So yeah, I do kind of have some anger over all this.

I did however seek some legal advice from a Family Lawyer and she is going to gather some information regarding these CYFS matters and find out what CYFS have on file about my children and I. Which is done through the Official Information Act. So once those files come in, I will meet with her again to discuss the findings. And I may have to continue to pursue things via Legal Aid once I get to Nelson, if she feels I have a case.

I have been having the issues again with regards to my dreams and not enjoying the prospect of sleep and therefore dreaming because of this. And I have been having such late nights mostly because of this. When will this torture end!

Argh! I just wish I could go back to having normal dreams! And I think this issue is not going to truly resolve itself in all honesty, until I have had some therapy. As I feel it is likely an indicator of underlying issues that need to be resolved.

Something really sad happened last week in Wainuiomata. A young guy, who was only 32, committed suicide. Which makes me feel sad. Sad that he felt so hopeless that he felt that was the only option he had left.

What I find interesting is, murders, crimes and disasters make the news. Yet in New Zealand, which by the way has the highest Suicide rate in the world! If someone commits suicide, it is never mentioned. Why?! Why is that persons loss of life any less important then anyone else losing their life in a tragic way?! Ok, if it is someone famous it makes the news. But hell, how are we supposed to reduce the stigma around, mental illness, self harm and suicide, if these people’s loss of life is ignored?!

I was in Lambton Quay in Wellington CBD a few years back, only hours after a horrific suicide there. In which members of the public witnessed this suicide. A women ended her life by jumping from a very high level of a high building. Yet, no mention of this very public suicide at all in the news.

A car crashes and causes traffic jams, it’s news, the weather goes nuts, it’s news. Yet a person commits suicide and it is not even acknowledged. Does this make it feel anymore ok to talk about suicide or suicidal feeling? Does this make it easier to ask for help? I really think not.

Suicide effects a lot more people then society thinks.

Don’t worry, all this talk about suicide doesn’t have a hidden message. I am not contemplating it or anything. I am just upset that such a huge thing goes relatively unnoticed in society in New Zealand.

Something I was thinking about the other day, which is something I have to be proud of, is, that I have not self-harmed since maybe February if I am correct. Which is quite huge for me. As awhile back it was quite a regular habit for me.

Lately, I have felt quite isolated. As I have not had many opportunities to socialize and I really need social contact to have a chance at being in a slightly better place with my mental health.

There is one thing I feel some guilt over and I do feel some sense of responsibility for. Which is how me going so downhill last August has caused so many unpleasant things to happen. Like, for example, when I was at the budget advisor with my fiancé last week and the budget was being discussed, I am sitting there blaming myself, thinking, this is my fault. If I didn’t get so unwell my fiancé wouldn’t have had to resign and we wouldn’t be in this position financially. And CYFS wouldn’t have intervened and forced us to move here and my older daughter would still be with us and we wouldn’t have lost the entitlement with IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work & income) and we wouldn’t be having to pay child support. And we wouldn’t have been forced to put both younger kids into child care. And I wouldn’t have gone through this internal hell. I know I shouldn’t blame myself and it was all sorts of contributing factors that caused my severe mental health. But I still honestly do blame myself on some level and feel somewhat responsible for the repercussions.

On another subject. Yup, me and my random, totally unrelated tangents LOL! I was thinking about tattoos. Potentially ones that could replace those not so nice scars on my wrist, with some nice, meaningful art. But alias, nice tattoos are not cheap and I am extremely poor! So that venture will have to wait for some time. But I do like the idea.

Back to moving. While I am sad and grieving and struggling with the part about leaving my older daughter behind. I am also excited about this big move and being close to my family. Though nervous about being somewhere I haven’t lived in just over 10 years.

Oh and totally random fact, I have gone back to blonde. Though some of the pink still remains, as the lightener didn’t manage to remove a small amount. I did this because my older daughter asked me to. As she said she feels like the odd one out in our family, with her very light blonde hair. Her younger sister has blonde hair, as does her younger brother, but both are a tad darker. So I said, ok for you I will do this, even though I really like pink hair 😀

Also very random, I really want chocolate!

I am still unsure about the respite thing. So I will ask you, my followers, what do you personally think? As I do not know what to do there.

Ok, that is all for today. I will post again when I have something to post about.

Thank you for reading and following, I do really appreciate it and it really encourages me 🙂

Hmm, wish things were better then they are

It’s been a few weeks since I posted last and not much has changed regarding stress, lack of support and my mental health. Except my mental health is worse.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started getting even worse. But worse is what it got. I self-harmed more harshly then usual and started self-harming on my inner arm, which is somewhere I have not self-harmed before. Just a few days ago, I wanted to slash my arm open. But I did not act on that.

Some time in the last 2 weeks I started going extremely downhill. And it got to it’s worse last Friday. I just woke up in despair and I can’t recall if that was the day I self-harmed or whether it was earlier last week. I had taken an overdose of my old antidepressants(Mirtazapine) and Lorazepam on the previous Sunday night. Not caring about the outcome. So it was partially a possible suicide attempt. I took 6 Mirtazapine and 2 Lorazepam. And the next night, I took 8 Mirtazapine and a few nights later 4 Mirtazapine.

I knew I was in a really bad place, as when I was extremely drunk last Thursday night, I was drawing very dark things and words. Things like ‘RAGE’, ‘I want to be loved, but I don’t deserve to be loved’ and pictures showing I’m really not ok. I was also being really mean to my fiance that night. Calling him a loser and being nasty. Though I did apologize and was totally honest with him about where I am at with my mental health and explained my motivation for calling him a loser.

I knew I needed to seek help a.s.a.p when I had a fleeting thought, that maybe I should go sit in the corner of the yard and kill myself. This was a flashing red light and warning sign to me, that I was really not ok. So, being that I’d not been taken seriously by mental health, even with them knowing about the overdose, I called the hospital and asked to talk to the CATT(crisis assessment treatment team) and told them everything. They asked me to come into the ED(emergency department) and get assessed by them. Which I did and they offered me respite. They wanted me to be there for 5 days, but unfortunately I could only stay 2 nights, due to appointments my fiance needed to be at this week and me being the one with the full license.

I found it upsetting that when I came home to get some stuff for my stay in respite, that he insinuated he didn’t see the point in me going to respite and made me feel like it wasn’t ok by him, for me to go. And I responded by crying and saying “I finally do the right thing, after trying to remain strong for SO long and I need to put my mental health first and I feel like you are telling me that’s not ok”. And he responded by saying, it’s not like I told him when I left for the assessment I might end up going to respite. And I told him, I didn’t know I would be offered that option, as I was so used to not being taken seriously and not being offered the help I need.

The staff from the CATT team and respite were really supportive and compassionate, which was good. I did feel at a loss of things to do to occupy my time there, especially during the day. So I baked a cake and then organized all the magazines into what magazine they were, how good the magazine was, week, month and year order. And then which was most relevant and helpful. I did similar with the books.

I have still been struggling since I came home. I feel like my fiance’s parents really don’t care. As when I told my fiance’s mum I had just come home from respite, she didn’t respond by offering more support.

Things haven’t been overly good with my relationship since coming home. A few days ago, when I was expressing my enthusiasm about moving to Nelson at some point and how that will help at least a little with my mental health and be really good, because I will have my family around me. And reminding my fiance, that just because I am at home, it doesn’t mean I’m all better and that I didn’t have the choice to stay in respite for as long as was needed and how I was unhappy about the afternoon I got home from respite, that he pretty much abandoned me. Left me in the lounge with my youngest daughter and his mum and her friend and he spent the rest of the day gaming. And he responded by saying “maybe you should just move to Nelson then, as that will be better for everyone. I(my fiance) could be a single Dad and financially I’d be better off. And you(me) could go get your head right and maybe even get a job”.

This really upset me. And started affecting my sleep, as significant stresses tend to do. As I would be worrying at night, if he wanted me gone and also worrying about our lack of money. Part of me being extremely distressed last Friday, was also about the money issues and me being consumed with worry about not having enough money for food and it just overwhelmed me so much, that I could not cope any more.

What I hate, is how a few days later, he acts as if all that didn’t happen and doesn’t seem to get how upsetting it was for me, him saying all that and how that effects me. He’s like “I’ve already forgotten about it, it’s in the past”.

I finally met my CMH(community mental health) nurse and social worker yesterday. But their visit was purely to get my background. Not an appointment of any help regarding my current mental health state. So that was an hour or so of questions and next week I have my first appointment with the CMH Psychiatrist, which also involves the social worker and community nurse and that’s 90 minutes long. I’m hoping in this assessment I can discuss a possible assessment of whether I have PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) But on the progress side of things, they want me to attend a 6 week, CBT(cognative behavioural therapy) and DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) group therapy. Which starts next week. And once that is finished, they will assess whether there is still a need for one to one therapy.

I’m still suffering from hyper vigilance, hyper arousal, anxiety and panic.

I have been having issues with my not so great trait, of picking at my skin and my arms are really sore, sensitive and inflamed because of this. My poor skin.

The Open Home Foundation lady who works with us came over yesterday. It seems someone has been telling on me to CYFS(child, youth and family) and not always telling an accurate portrayal of facts. Such as, the time I went to Nelson for a few days to visit my family. Which was totally planned and I kept everyone informed about it. And someone has passed on that I have been to Nelson, but passed it on insinuating I bolted to Nelson, without informing anyone or without planning. Which is so the opposite to the truth. Someone has also told on me, about last month, when I actually tried to bolt to Nelson, with my youngest daughter. That I acknowledged as true, as it was. But I informed the Open Home Foundation lady, that the facts were very wrong about when I visited Nelson in December.

So, she has talked to my fiance’s family and they have responded, with what I see, as excuse after excuse. His sister saying, she has her own life and a teenage son at home now and money issues. Which I am fine with, as she has kept us informed and helped when she could. His Mum’s excuses were petrol(which didn’t need to be an issue, as we could drop the kids there and pick them up), apparent sickness and a claim that I don’t like her, as well as a few other excuses. To me, it’s just excuses. As I don’t see why she would say I don’t get along with her, when I actually talk openly with her and tell her if I’m not doing so well. But gee, knowing I am having such a hard time, I would think that would encourage more support, not less. I think that my fiance’s parents just take things out of context. So, for example, if I’m being particularly quiet and anti-social, they take that to mean I don’t like them or don’t want them there. When in fact, it’s because I am not coping well, am severely depressed and feeling quite anxious.

All these recent facts, as well as feeling distressed, stressed, worried about my relationship and feeling unsupported and unwell mentally, is contributing to my mental health getting worse. And is making me miss my family even more.

It’s really hard to stay strong all of the time. I have put on a brave face, tried my best to hold it together, tried so hard to stay strong. But there is only so much I can handle without the support I need and no therapy at all. So it’s not all that surprising I get to a point eventually where I’m just broken.

My fiance insinuated about 10 minutes ago, that I’m selfish, because I wanted to finish writing in here, instead of making tea. I responded by saying “man, I just can’t do anything right. No matter what I say or do, I’m always apparently in the wrong”. Fact is, he can make tea and I do all the housework and he, unlike me, has had a huge nap today during the day, whereas I haven’t.

Anyway, that’s all I have to write for today. So yeah, that’s where I am at and thank you for reading 🙂

My mental health presently

What I feel like I am experiencing, is hypervigilance, hyper arousal, panic disorder, PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder), social phobia and depression.

I feel like I’m broken. And this antidepressant is just horrible, I struggle not to throw up and feel on the verge of being sick most of the day, I feel unmotivated and depressed and I still suffer from panic and panic attacks and I feel tired all the time, yet I’m not able to sleep properly.

Yesterday they got me to leave the Psych ward and I am now in a respite house. I kind of felt like I didn’t have a choice in whether to come here or stay in the ward. They pretty much worded it like someone else needs your room urgently, so this is what is happening.

I feel fearful and panicked most of the time. And all I want is to just feel normal again. I want my life back. I just feel so very broken.

I have developed all these intense levels of mental illness that I have never experienced before. This current state and that of the last week, is very severe.

I don’t know the why or how of how this all came to be. But I hate it. I don’t feel like ME anymore. I feel like who I was is gone and I feel like a shell of myself.

I miss my family and I feel like I’ve somewhat abandoned them, even though I see them once a day. Though I haven’t seen my oldest daughter since last Wednesday afternoon.

I’m scared and worried nearly all the time about the future or even the day ahead. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep or rest all the time. But that gets me nowhere.

I have a review tomorrow and that is worrying me.

I can’t sleep properly, I can’t eat properly and I have hardly got an appetite.