I have been wanting to make the time to blog a few times in the last week, but I either get distracting wasting time on good old Facebook or by the time I find the time, it is usually very late at night and I need to sleep.

I have gotten into a bit of a bad habit lately of going to bed quite late.

So since my last post, my fiancé has started talking to me again. But still hasn’t explained what is up with his sensitivity and mood lately. And when I asked him why he isn’t trying to get sex from me, he doesn’t respond. As to me, it is a bit strange he is not trying to get any. As usually he is. So of course it naturally makes me wonder.

I had a big blow up at him last week some time. I can’t even recall what provoked it. There was probably some mention in there from me about the importance of communication, as well as my frustration that he does not appear to notice if I am sad, upset or depressed and how it hurts that he doesn’t ask me how I am anymore. I can’t recall if there was anything else that I bought up in my big blow up. Though I think I mentioned that why I end up blowing up is partly because I do not feel I can really communicate with him or express how I feel, without him taking it as some kind of attack or insult. And that it is simply me expressing my feelings and not me in any way suggesting anything is his fault. I do recall mentioning to him that other people have observed something that he does, which is actually something that bothers me a lot too. Which is that he watches my every move when we are out and that he also likes to act like he does absolutely everything for our youngest 2 kids and like I do nothing. And he never acknowledges all that I do for both children. I am treated like I am expected to do all of the housework with no help from him and like it is unreasonable for me to every so often, ask him to cook dinner, just once in 1 week. And then I’m sure I probably just went to our room and had a big cry.

I have enjoyed spending more of the weekends with my older daughter here. It just feels natural and normal and it is just a time where I can enjoy life and feel something good. But once she has gone back to her carer, my mood drops again.

Not having her here has such a huge effect on not only me, but my younger daughter too. My younger daughters behaviour has been really all over the place due to how she is affected by not having her sister here.

I often feel like, certain people either in my life or involved in my life do not understand or appear to give me permission to be so hugely effected by all that has happened since last August and especially regarding my oldest daughter. I felt like I had to defend myself and argue the point the other day with my CMH(community mental health) nurse. As she did not seem to think that it was healthy or productive that I had been crying a lot over the fact that moving means leaving my oldest daughter behind. And I was explaining to her, that all that has happened since last August has had a huge effect on me and that I feel it is vital for any attempt at really recovering from all this, that I have one to one therapy, so I can deal with all that has happened.

Because we were pressed for time when she was over, my CMH nurse, I did not get the opportunity to talk to her about how my mental health has been lately and ask about the possibility of some time in respite.

Also, there is always that paranoia that CYFS(child, youth & family) might find out and try and use it against me. As somehow they always find out! And I do not know how. As surely it is some breach of confidentiality or my privacy, this information being passed on. As it is not meant to be!

The reason I feel that I need a little time in respite, is because I have been really struggling a lot lately, with stress, depression, grief, feelings of anger, wanting to yell at my fiancé, increased irritability and low mood. I feel some time in respite could benefit me, by giving me a break from my daily routine and the stresses I am having to deal with lately and allowing me some time to just be, with no responsibility or expectations on me. As I am not feeling so strong at the moment and I feel I really need some time out to have an opportunity to renew my strength and to continue fighting on and trying to get through this time of great stress.

I keep trying to convince myself that, no, I will be ok and that maybe I can just keep trying and get through it. But then, I am aware that I may not get an opportunity to take up any respite before we move and do I want to risk being exposed to more stress leading up to the move and potentially getting worse and more distressed. It is hard to know what the right and appropriate thing to do is sometimes.

All I know is this, I feel sad, I am crying right now just writing all this, I am anxious about what might happen if I don’t ask for help and I am grieving a lot and struggling a lot with not having my older daughter living with me and moving so far away from her and seeing her way less.

She makes me happy, her just being here. Seeing her happy really brings me joy.

I hate what has happened and how CYFS came along and ruined my life for the time being. Just because I suffer from a mental illness and had what is termed a Major Depressive Episode. A Major Depressive Episode is the medical term for what happened to me, which resulted in my brief hospitalization.

All this shit has had a huge effect on so many aspects of my life. It has not only affected my immediate family, as in my fiancé and kids. But it has also effected my parents, my sisters, my finances and my older daughters Dads side of the family.

So yeah, I do kind of have some anger over all this.

I did however seek some legal advice from a Family Lawyer and she is going to gather some information regarding these CYFS matters and find out what CYFS have on file about my children and I. Which is done through the Official Information Act. So once those files come in, I will meet with her again to discuss the findings. And I may have to continue to pursue things via Legal Aid once I get to Nelson, if she feels I have a case.

I have been having the issues again with regards to my dreams and not enjoying the prospect of sleep and therefore dreaming because of this. And I have been having such late nights mostly because of this. When will this torture end!

Argh! I just wish I could go back to having normal dreams! And I think this issue is not going to truly resolve itself in all honesty, until I have had some therapy. As I feel it is likely an indicator of underlying issues that need to be resolved.

Something really sad happened last week in Wainuiomata. A young guy, who was only 32, committed suicide. Which makes me feel sad. Sad that he felt so hopeless that he felt that was the only option he had left.

What I find interesting is, murders, crimes and disasters make the news. Yet in New Zealand, which by the way has the highest Suicide rate in the world! If someone commits suicide, it is never mentioned. Why?! Why is that persons loss of life any less important then anyone else losing their life in a tragic way?! Ok, if it is someone famous it makes the news. But hell, how are we supposed to reduce the stigma around, mental illness, self harm and suicide, if these people’s loss of life is ignored?!

I was in Lambton Quay in Wellington CBD a few years back, only hours after a horrific suicide there. In which members of the public witnessed this suicide. A women ended her life by jumping from a very high level of a high building. Yet, no mention of this very public suicide at all in the news.

A car crashes and causes traffic jams, it’s news, the weather goes nuts, it’s news. Yet a person commits suicide and it is not even acknowledged. Does this make it feel anymore ok to talk about suicide or suicidal feeling? Does this make it easier to ask for help? I really think not.

Suicide effects a lot more people then society thinks.

Don’t worry, all this talk about suicide doesn’t have a hidden message. I am not contemplating it or anything. I am just upset that such a huge thing goes relatively unnoticed in society in New Zealand.

Something I was thinking about the other day, which is something I have to be proud of, is, that I have not self-harmed since maybe February if I am correct. Which is quite huge for me. As awhile back it was quite a regular habit for me.

Lately, I have felt quite isolated. As I have not had many opportunities to socialize and I really need social contact to have a chance at being in a slightly better place with my mental health.

There is one thing I feel some guilt over and I do feel some sense of responsibility for. Which is how me going so downhill last August has caused so many unpleasant things to happen. Like, for example, when I was at the budget advisor with my fiancé last week and the budget was being discussed, I am sitting there blaming myself, thinking, this is my fault. If I didn’t get so unwell my fiancé wouldn’t have had to resign and we wouldn’t be in this position financially. And CYFS wouldn’t have intervened and forced us to move here and my older daughter would still be with us and we wouldn’t have lost the entitlement with IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work & income) and we wouldn’t be having to pay child support. And we wouldn’t have been forced to put both younger kids into child care. And I wouldn’t have gone through this internal hell. I know I shouldn’t blame myself and it was all sorts of contributing factors that caused my severe mental health. But I still honestly do blame myself on some level and feel somewhat responsible for the repercussions.

On another subject. Yup, me and my random, totally unrelated tangents LOL! I was thinking about tattoos. Potentially ones that could replace those not so nice scars on my wrist, with some nice, meaningful art. But alias, nice tattoos are not cheap and I am extremely poor! So that venture will have to wait for some time. But I do like the idea.

Back to moving. While I am sad and grieving and struggling with the part about leaving my older daughter behind. I am also excited about this big move and being close to my family. Though nervous about being somewhere I haven’t lived in just over 10 years.

Oh and totally random fact, I have gone back to blonde. Though some of the pink still remains, as the lightener didn’t manage to remove a small amount. I did this because my older daughter asked me to. As she said she feels like the odd one out in our family, with her very light blonde hair. Her younger sister has blonde hair, as does her younger brother, but both are a tad darker. So I said, ok for you I will do this, even though I really like pink hair 😀

Also very random, I really want chocolate!

I am still unsure about the respite thing. So I will ask you, my followers, what do you personally think? As I do not know what to do there.

Ok, that is all for today. I will post again when I have something to post about.

Thank you for reading and following, I do really appreciate it and it really encourages me 🙂

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