Tag Archive: Mirtazapine


It’s been a few weeks since I posted last and not much has changed regarding stress, lack of support and my mental health. Except my mental health is worse.

I can’t pinpoint exactly when it started getting even worse. But worse is what it got. I self-harmed more harshly then usual and started self-harming on my inner arm, which is somewhere I have not self-harmed before. Just a few days ago, I wanted to slash my arm open. But I did not act on that.

Some time in the last 2 weeks I started going extremely downhill. And it got to it’s worse last Friday. I just woke up in despair and I can’t recall if that was the day I self-harmed or whether it was earlier last week. I had taken an overdose of my old antidepressants(Mirtazapine) and Lorazepam on the previous Sunday night. Not caring about the outcome. So it was partially a possible suicide attempt. I took 6 Mirtazapine and 2 Lorazepam. And the next night, I took 8 Mirtazapine and a few nights later 4 Mirtazapine.

I knew I was in a really bad place, as when I was extremely drunk last Thursday night, I was drawing very dark things and words. Things like ‘RAGE’, ‘I want to be loved, but I don’t deserve to be loved’ and pictures showing I’m really not ok. I was also being really mean to my fiance that night. Calling him a loser and being nasty. Though I did apologize and was totally honest with him about where I am at with my mental health and explained my motivation for calling him a loser.

I knew I needed to seek help a.s.a.p when I had a fleeting thought, that maybe I should go sit in the corner of the yard and kill myself. This was a flashing red light and warning sign to me, that I was really not ok. So, being that I’d not been taken seriously by mental health, even with them knowing about the overdose, I called the hospital and asked to talk to the CATT(crisis assessment treatment team) and told them everything. They asked me to come into the ED(emergency department) and get assessed by them. Which I did and they offered me respite. They wanted me to be there for 5 days, but unfortunately I could only stay 2 nights, due to appointments my fiance needed to be at this week and me being the one with the full license.

I found it upsetting that when I came home to get some stuff for my stay in respite, that he insinuated he didn’t see the point in me going to respite and made me feel like it wasn’t ok by him, for me to go. And I responded by crying and saying “I finally do the right thing, after trying to remain strong for SO long and I need to put my mental health first and I feel like you are telling me that’s not ok”. And he responded by saying, it’s not like I told him when I left for the assessment I might end up going to respite. And I told him, I didn’t know I would be offered that option, as I was so used to not being taken seriously and not being offered the help I need.

The staff from the CATT team and respite were really supportive and compassionate, which was good. I did feel at a loss of things to do to occupy my time there, especially during the day. So I baked a cake and then organized all the magazines into what magazine they were, how good the magazine was, week, month and year order. And then which was most relevant and helpful. I did similar with the books.

I have still been struggling since I came home. I feel like my fiance’s parents really don’t care. As when I told my fiance’s mum I had just come home from respite, she didn’t respond by offering more support.

Things haven’t been overly good with my relationship since coming home. A few days ago, when I was expressing my enthusiasm about moving to Nelson at some point and how that will help at least a little with my mental health and be really good, because I will have my family around me. And reminding my fiance, that just because I am at home, it doesn’t mean I’m all better and that I didn’t have the choice to stay in respite for as long as was needed and how I was unhappy about the afternoon I got home from respite, that he pretty much abandoned me. Left me in the lounge with my youngest daughter and his mum and her friend and he spent the rest of the day gaming. And he responded by saying “maybe you should just move to Nelson then, as that will be better for everyone. I(my fiance) could be a single Dad and financially I’d be better off. And you(me) could go get your head right and maybe even get a job”.

This really upset me. And started affecting my sleep, as significant stresses tend to do. As I would be worrying at night, if he wanted me gone and also worrying about our lack of money. Part of me being extremely distressed last Friday, was also about the money issues and me being consumed with worry about not having enough money for food and it just overwhelmed me so much, that I could not cope any more.

What I hate, is how a few days later, he acts as if all that didn’t happen and doesn’t seem to get how upsetting it was for me, him saying all that and how that effects me. He’s like “I’ve already forgotten about it, it’s in the past”.

I finally met my CMH(community mental health) nurse and social worker yesterday. But their visit was purely to get my background. Not an appointment of any help regarding my current mental health state. So that was an hour or so of questions and next week I have my first appointment with the CMH Psychiatrist, which also involves the social worker and community nurse and that’s 90 minutes long. I’m hoping in this assessment I can discuss a possible assessment of whether I have PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) But on the progress side of things, they want me to attend a 6 week, CBT(cognative behavioural therapy) and DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) group therapy. Which starts next week. And once that is finished, they will assess whether there is still a need for one to one therapy.

I’m still suffering from hyper vigilance, hyper arousal, anxiety and panic.

I have been having issues with my not so great trait, of picking at my skin and my arms are really sore, sensitive and inflamed because of this. My poor skin.

The Open Home Foundation lady who works with us came over yesterday. It seems someone has been telling on me to CYFS(child, youth and family) and not always telling an accurate portrayal of facts. Such as, the time I went to Nelson for a few days to visit my family. Which was totally planned and I kept everyone informed about it. And someone has passed on that I have been to Nelson, but passed it on insinuating I bolted to Nelson, without informing anyone or without planning. Which is so the opposite to the truth. Someone has also told on me, about last month, when I actually tried to bolt to Nelson, with my youngest daughter. That I acknowledged as true, as it was. But I informed the Open Home Foundation lady, that the facts were very wrong about when I visited Nelson in December.

So, she has talked to my fiance’s family and they have responded, with what I see, as excuse after excuse. His sister saying, she has her own life and a teenage son at home now and money issues. Which I am fine with, as she has kept us informed and helped when she could. His Mum’s excuses were petrol(which didn’t need to be an issue, as we could drop the kids there and pick them up), apparent sickness and a claim that I don’t like her, as well as a few other excuses. To me, it’s just excuses. As I don’t see why she would say I don’t get along with her, when I actually talk openly with her and tell her if I’m not doing so well. But gee, knowing I am having such a hard time, I would think that would encourage more support, not less. I think that my fiance’s parents just take things out of context. So, for example, if I’m being particularly quiet and anti-social, they take that to mean I don’t like them or don’t want them there. When in fact, it’s because I am not coping well, am severely depressed and feeling quite anxious.

All these recent facts, as well as feeling distressed, stressed, worried about my relationship and feeling unsupported and unwell mentally, is contributing to my mental health getting worse. And is making me miss my family even more.

It’s really hard to stay strong all of the time. I have put on a brave face, tried my best to hold it together, tried so hard to stay strong. But there is only so much I can handle without the support I need and no therapy at all. So it’s not all that surprising I get to a point eventually where I’m just broken.

My fiance insinuated about 10 minutes ago, that I’m selfish, because I wanted to finish writing in here, instead of making tea. I responded by saying “man, I just can’t do anything right. No matter what I say or do, I’m always apparently in the wrong”. Fact is, he can make tea and I do all the housework and he, unlike me, has had a huge nap today during the day, whereas I haven’t.

Anyway, that’s all I have to write for today. So yeah, that’s where I am at and thank you for reading 🙂

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Update

So, it’s been a few weeks since my last entry.

I can’t remember if I mentioned in my last post about me telling my case manager at Community Mental Health that I was really unimpressed by their lack of action/ help as I was declining, previous to that Friday when I could no longer cope. And how shocked I was that they suggested going straight back home, considering my dark thoughts and desires.

At my review this week, which included my case manager and the psychiatrist, they said they have taken on board my complaints. I expressed that I don’t have much faith in them anymore.

I had mentioned to my case manager before I left respite, that based on what my Mum had told her psychiatrist about what has been going on with me, that he thought I may have some kind of personality disorder and that some support workers at the respite had suggested I may be suffering some post traumatic stress disorder. At my review, my psychiatrist agreed I do have many of the characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder. And yes, possibly post traumatic stress disorder. But that would be explored later (the PTSD)

From what I have read, it seems to explain what has been going on with me.

My Venlafaxine(effexor) has been increased from 2 x 37.5mg tablets to 2 x 75mg tablets.

I’ll admit I have been struggling a lot with the desire to self harm and have given in once since I’ve been home. But that’s more because with my fiancĂ© being at home, I don’t get the opportunity. And have also felt like running away, a lot.

I’m feeling this weird detachment from my baby, like he’s not mine and I didn’t give birth to him. Clearly I need to get some therapy and work through this. Though honestly, right now, I’d rather be in the psych ward or in a respite house. I don’t want to be living, this that is my life. I am forcing myself daily to stay put and not run. Though it’s very hard. I have almost no interest in my baby and don’t want to deal with him, so I’m not. My fiancĂ© is doing everything for him.

I was watching a video on YouTube earlier explaining reasons why people self harm and so much of it rang true.

At times I feel fearful of going out in public, paranoid about what people from my daughters school and kindy might be thinking about me or what they might know about my situation.

I also feel fearful and anxious about going home and take my time getting home. I’m constantly trying to distract myself with reading or TV, to avoid my thoughts and panic. Though it’s always there much of the day.

I felt pretty freaked out and overwhelmed about the diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder.

That’s all I have to post about for now.

Another update on things

So, like I mentioned in the previous entry, I had a review coming up. And I must admit I was very panicked and anxious about that. I found it very overwhelming with all the people in the room, talking about my situation and formulating some kind of plan. I just wanted to curl up on my seat and cry. Though by the end of it, I felt a bit more calm.

I don’t think it helped that my antidepressant had made me quite sick that day and therefore I was feeling in general unwell and on edge.

I told the doctor in the review that the current antidepressant just doesn’t suit. So I have been put back on Mirtazapine at a lower dose and that one helps me sleep thankfully and doesn’t make me sick.

I am supposed to be going home for the weekend to see how that goes. I was finding the thought of that daunting and feeling quite panicked this morning, so I had to ask for a Lorazepam to calm my panic.

It’s just scary when you have been away from home and that whole routine for just over a week and remembering how things went before I ended up in here. Oh, thought I should mention, I am back at the ward, while they try this antidepressant on me again. The Mirtazapine.

The confidence you lose in yourself doesn’t help at all. So I am hoping I can give it a try and it will go fine and that my mind can begin to understand that I am capable.

I guess I will update again after the weekend or maybe during the weekend.

I did feel as a result of that review and a conversation I had with my older girls granddad, that there was pressure from him to sort myself out asap, which I felt was unfair and putting unnecessary pressure on me.

Though she will be fine. She is going to respite care and staying with a really lovely lady who has been involved with her at her school. Whom I personally love as a person and totally trust and I know it will be a positive experience for her. So that’s good.

Hopefully I won’t need another Lorazepam before I go home tomorrow. Though I might ask for one. It just helps ease my panic.

Something positive that has come out of being here, is meeting a few women, who I consider friends on some level. Who I would love to keep in touch with outside of here. 1 whom I knew already from outside of here and another in the same situation with the panic and anxiety and stress over the whole new baby thing. So it’s really refreshing having some people to chat to in here.

That is all for now. Thanks for reading 🙂

So, they gave me an antidepressant last night, only 1/2 a tablet, but it’s so not good for me. It’s called Mirtazapine. Yes it helped me sleep, but unfortunately it’s too sedative. As in, 12 hours after taking it I still felt sedated and I couldn’t get myself alert enough to function til nearly lunch time. Which is not good. As I had been hungry since 7am. It actually made me feel more depressed and hopeless. As I can’t function as I need to. And not being awake enough to eat for 1/2 the day is really bad. So I have asked to try another type.

My fiancĂ© visited yesterday and today. He brought baby and our toddler yesterday and yesterday went ok. I actually felt more positive. Though I still get panicked about getting baby settled. And my older sister came up from Nelson to help for a week. She visited yesterday afternoon. And today my fiancĂ© and sister came in with the baby. Though today I haven’t been feeling so great.

I have been more open today though and actually talked to other patients here. I’ve found that good. As interaction with others here is a good distraction. Plus there are some women here who have kids too, so they understand how I am feeling. Especially the lady with postnatal psychosis.

I felt really sad when my family left after their visit. As I really miss them. I went back to my room and cried after they left.

But when I try think about being at home and doing what I need to, I still feel panicked a bit.

I was shown by a lactation consultant how to express with an electric pump, so I might try that again later. Though it’s hard just sitting there attached to that for what seems like ages.

So that’s how things are. I hope the new antidepressant I am being offered suits me better.