So, I have a FGC(family group conference) coming up through CYFS(child, youth & family) this Thursday. I am pretty anxious about it. As when I talked to the social worker from there last week, she said they want to take our youngest 2 off us and send them to live with my sister. Which they are not allowed to say, as the FGC is to get together and make a plan regarding all the children. So it’s against the whole meaning of the meeting to suggest that. A few people have suggested they might just be trying to scare us.

As you could probably imagine, being told this has me feeling really upset and is tearing me to pieces. My children are my reason for living and they reason I have sought help, instead of ending my life when I felt suicidal. Calling for help was about caring for and protecting my children. And CYFS are ultimately about care and protection of the children.

They are using my mental health against me and any past mistakes against me. They don’t seem to be acknowledging all the positive things. They are suggesting that I have been neglecting my oldest daughter since she was 2. Which is just so far from the truth. They are suggesting her developmental delay, which was due to glue ear, is only partly that and that I am half the reason. They are saying things that are just not true! Like that she was exposed to too much technology growing up. Which is untrue. She never used a computer until she was 6 and she on occasion watched dvds. It’s hard enough they don’t want her living with me full time and I can’t imagine she feels too happy about that either. Her Dad wants to have her full time, but CYFS will not consider that until he has over time proven himself to be a capable parent. They are using his mental health against him too.

The shitty thing is, why are they focusing on us, who are loving and caring parents and nit picking about trivial things, when there are kids out there actually being abused or neglected?! As our kids are neither. It’s like, due to their failings in the past and kids being neglected, abused and killed and CYFS not taking action in those circumstances, they have tightened the reins way too much and are overreacting. As if you based declines in mental health, dark thoughts and imperfect parenting as a reason for taking people’s children away, so many of us would not have our children. As no parent is perfect and we learn as we go and yes, we do makes mistakes. We are human and humans are imperfect.

They want us to move to Nelson, to be closer to my family, which means more support with our parenting. And that is a huge thing to do. But for the sake of our children we will do that. But the hard part is, that I would have to leave my oldest here in Wellington. Though she has her Dad and his family and great support here. Which is great. But she is my first child and was my only child for 6 years. It is tearing me up the thought of leaving her and how she will feel about it. As she just wants to live with a parent, either her Dad or I. But CYFS say no and want her remaining with the carer she is living with currently. It will leave a huge hole in my heart leaving her behind. Though I will see her in the holidays. My youngest daughter finds it very upsetting that her big sister isn’t here and is really sad when she visits and then has to go again. She misses her big sister.

Moving to Nelson means leaving all my friends behind and it’s not cheap either. Not only is there the cost of moving the furniture, but there’s the cost of actually getting us there and then there is the how of finding somewhere to live.

I’ll be honest, I have self-harmed once since talking to the social worker last week and I having been struggling with the desire to do it again, but thankfully I have not. As I feel to blame for all this, like it’s all my fault and the self-harm was about punishing myself and an outlet for my intense emotions. As I feel like, if I hadn’t got so sick mentally, this wouldn’t all be happening. I have been having panic attacks nearly every night and am having trouble getting to sleep, due to all the thoughts going around in my head. I feel very anxious about this big change. It scares the crap out of me. I haven’t moved islands since 2004. Except for a brief 3 weeks back in 2006. All this is very distressing. The social worker seems convinced I will have a relapse in my mental health, though there is no evidence to support that. I have been getting better, not getting worse. She is using my unwellness and my lack of being able to be as emotionally connected as would be ideal and my inability to do practical things for my toddler, back when I was really unwell against me. I mean come on, I was not functioning back then and it’s not abnormal for these issues when someone is distressed that severely. But I think I have done pretty well considering I have had no therapy at all. And that is vital to my recovery. I have done pretty well in the ways I have improved with antidepressants. And we know that alone is not a fix. I am doing really well with regards to my baby. I actually have a bond with him now and interact with him. Which is a huge improvement from last month.

So yeah, that’s where things are at currently. I am just trying to keep myself as calm as possible. As I had been quite distraught and crying a lot after what the social worker said last week.