Tag Archive: vertigo


So, there was an earthquake on Monday I think it was. It was a 6.2 and centred somewhere up north. It was quite a shake. And me, like usual, froze and didn’t react by moving to somewhere safe, like you are supposed to. I feel like when these things happen, a certain amount of disconnect. Like it’s just a really bad dream and like it’s not really happening. I think, oh it will stop soon. And even when it doesn’t, I continue to not move until my fiancé tells me to. I’m just like, nah, it’ll stop soon, I don’t need to go anywhere. So of course, my vertigo has been a problem since then. Which is always the case for a few weeks after a big shake.

I have been feeling quite easily startled and on edge. And very jumpy. Little noises makes me jump in fright. Which is since the earthquake.

My daughter(the nearly 4 yr old) was stressing me out again tonight. She’s been doing that a lot lately. It’s partly her age and partly attention seeking, knowing I am more stressed. And I nearly had to lock myself outside again. I didn’t feel any desire to hurt her. I just wanted away from the immediate stress.

I keep going over in my mind, how I can self-harm and different methods. I know this is not a good sign.

I still feel somewhat unsupported by my fiancé and yet again disappointed with his family. As they as I thought, have no intention of helping us out with the kids this week. And when my fiancé asked his Mum about them looking after our daughter, his Mum made some excuse about getting used to being back at work again. Which is just that, an excuse. As she only works 3 days a week. They are just being selfish again and putting themselves first. No surprised there! His Mum asked about if my mental health was any better and I told her that it’s not and is in fact worse. Her response “oh, well maybe this will always be how you feel and you just have to get used to it”. Argh! Hate it when people give me that attitude!

My fiancé yet again disrespected me and in front of his mother and her friend, by suggesting he has been the full time parent all this time. And I was like, “excuse me?! That is not true!”.

My cats are still being naughty. One of them pee’d and poo’d in our bedroom today. And I am so over it.

Today I have been feeling distressed again and like I don’t want to be a mother to our baby. And I hate this feeling. And I hate how easily I go from having positive and good feelings towards him, to rejecting him. When will this end?!

I felt like running away again.

I am finding it really upsetting and distressing not having my older daughter living with us and I am finding it really hard that she has been away from me since just after Xmas and I haven’t seen her for weeks. I get distressed, anxious and panicked about this every night before I fall asleep.

My computer has been driving me nuts. As I brought a really awesome graphics card for my fiancés old computer, which is better then my own computer. So I am planning to swap to that. But my hard drive won’t start up in his computer and I have been trying for about 3 days now to resolve this issue. Which I now believe I have worked out. I think it’s an error with my copy of XP. So tomorrow I will format my hard drive and reinstall windows and hopefully this fixes the problem.

You see, I don’t like to pay someone to fix my computer issues. I like to try my hardest to fix things myself. Even if that means seeking advice from IT professionals and googling the issue. As that doesn’t cost a thing 🙂

I am trying to lose weight at the moment. As I am simply over my smaller clothes being stored and not being able to wear them. And I am over being disgusted at my body and shamed. I have been using having a baby and my mental health as excuses not to put in the effort. And when I have lost any weight in the past, I have self-sabotaged it, by eating more and then gaining what I’ve lost. My weight loss is the one thing I can control at least.

I’ve been finding myself quite obsessive about things lately. Fixated by imperfections. Stupid things like, windows that don’t shut properly, my imperfections, household cleanliness, things being in what I consider ‘the right place’, any issues with this house that need fixing and I’m pretty sure a whole bunch of other things. I have been fixated on having dishes done and away in their proper places and hate mess and anything dirty. So when my toddler decides to make a mess in her room, just playing, as toddlers do. It drives me nuts and I can’t handle it and get really annoyed and ‘must’ tidy it. And I’m quite obsessive and particular about where things go. My fiancé thinks that’s quite funny, but of course I don’t.

My fiancé thinks I should try and laugh more. He just doesn’t get that when my mental health is bad, nothing is funny and I have zero sense of humour.

Tonight I felt like going on facebook and posting on my profile how I was feeling at the time. Something along the lines of “nobody in Wellington genuinely cares that I’m not ok, except 1 friend and people I only know through the PND facebook group”. But I couldn’t be bothered getting the tablet or my mobile to log on to facebook and vent. Probably not such a bad thing…

I still feel like there’s something I am forgetting to post about. But yeah, my memory is still failing me and I still can’t remember what it was.

I know as much as, I am sad about not having a father. He died when I was 2 1/2 in a motorbike accident.

I am getting so damn annoyed with people suggesting I go back to work. Why do people not seem to get that I’m not ok and I need therapy first. Or at least some start on therapy and resolving issues.

I am quite stressed about how finances. As being I have told IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) that my oldest daughter no longer lives with us. They have dropped our money by $90 per week. I don’t know how, even if my fiancé goes back to work and we get some subsidy on full time day care for the 2 younger kids, we will afford that.

I am keep stressing about money and need to make a budget. So nothing gets missed out bills wise. I will have to go to WINZ next week and ask for a food grant, as due to my using all the money in our account to try bolt to Nelson the other day, we are down nearly $200.

I have to go to the GP next week and see if they can getting me on the waiting list for getting my tubal ligation(tubes tied) over at Hutt hospital. As I can’t afford to go to Kapiti to the mobile theatre like planned. And also, I can’t handle the stress.

I’ve also been quite paranoid. Like I won’t leave the pegs hanging on the clothesline cause I think someone will steal them and I won’t hang my Ed Hardy clothes on the clothesline, as I am paranoid they’ll get stolen. I know all this is irrational and really no one is going to steal these things. But I can’t seem to convince myself of this fact.

So much going on for me lately. It’s not surprising I want to run away at times.

Hmm, it’s like 1:12am. I think maybe I should go to bed aye.

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Argh!!!

I know I really should be trying to sleep. But I’m having an issue with very lucid dreams. Which makes me partly not want to sleep. But I know sleep is vital, so I shouldn’t avoid it.

I’m finding it really horrible and scary, how my dreams feel real and like they are actually reality, when in fact they are not. Apparently this can be an side effect with sleep medication. But unfortunately now is not the time to try wean off it. As with all the stress of moving house in just under 3 days, I need my sleep.

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed when I came upstairs to go to bed about an hour ago. I was a mess emotionally. Panicked, anxious as hell, distressed, nauseous and my heart was going mental. I was also experiencing vertigo, hyper vigilance and hyper arousal/alertness and it felt like the bed was moving and the sounds of the house, due to the wind making it creek, made me on edge and convinced there was going to be a big earthquake. That would be what they term ‘catastraphizing’. Where you feel a sense of imminent danger and/or impending doom. I hate my minds ability to go to that place.

Pretty much, I’ve been holding a lot in emotionally and trying to keep it together and remain strong and just get through this period of the upcoming move. But I am finding the closer the move of house date gets, the more anxious, overwhelmed, stressed and panicked I get.

It did not help that last night my fiancé was not coping well with the fact that our baby woke when he shouldn’t have. My fiancé was frustrated and swearing and expressing this frustration and annoyance and the baby clearly picked up on that and was crying very urgently and in a distressed manner. Which I couldn’t cope with, so I went and cuddled him until my fiancé had got him a bottle. It was really distressing seeing my fiancé like that and it’s effect on my baby.

Unfortunately, as seems to be the case with my mental health and interactions and bond with my baby, the more I am exposed to any upset of my baby, the more I seem to get distressed and go from having a bond and warm feeling, to feeling distressed and stressed and wanting to get as far away from him as possible.

With all this stress, I have been feeling so desperate and wanting to runaway and leave my fiancé and baby behind and my home and sometimes even wanting to run and leave my whole family. I am finding these feelings incredibly distressing.

Part of me keeping stuff in, is partly as a result of the Cyfs(child youth & family) family group conference last month. Knowing information was shared about me, which I considered confidential. Such as things said by me to my psychiatrist and community mental health team.

It has caused me to feel I can’t truly express and talk about things anymore. As I am paranoid now about it being used against me potentially in the future.

Because the Cyfs social worker expressed that I was guaranteed to relapse again with my mental health, I’ve tried to keep it together and hold everything in to try and prove her wrong. As my pride gets in the way and I don’t want there to be any possibility of her being right. But I am feeling myself go downhill.

Ok, so not surprising I guess, as a result of the stress of moving and all that has happened since August. But I just hate my mental health declining, especially because it had been improving.

I just need to try and take things slow.

I am just feeling a bit concerned because of how the closer the moving date gets, the worse I get mentally.

I at least did one good thing for myself though. I called the mental health crisis line and talked to them about how I have been feeling.

My dermatillomania(as referred to and explained in a previous post) got pretty bad earlier too, when I came upstairs. I was picking more rapidly and pulling out loose bits of hair and peeling dry skin on my nose and feeling agitated, anxious and stressed and was rocking back and forth while doing so.

Ok, better go to bed, it’s nearly 1am!

Ok, so note to self, make sure you NEVER run out of anti-depressants again!  Well to be honest, I did my best to avoid this.  I ordered the repeat online the day I ran out, so that the pills would be there for the next day and chemist was supposed to contact me and let me know when they were there.  So I had none yesterday…not a good plan!  I rang them this morning…”oh yes, we have them here on the shelf, sorry we forgot to contact you”.  I was like “ok, but I really needed them yesterday, as now I am really not coping”.

So yesterday, I was already starting to go downhill due to not having them.  Had lost my temper a few times and was experiencing some vertigo.

But today, well I lost the plot for about an hour or more.  I was getting super angry at the baby, because she was making changing her nappy absolute hell and then she was making getting her skirt on, just as much of a stress, if not more.  And then each time I’d attempt to feed her to get her to bed for her morning sleep, my older daughter kept yelling up the stairs or coming in and distracting her.  So I was really losing my tolerance.  I was just so mad!!!  I wanted to punch a hole in the wall and kick the shit out of parts of the house.  And when my older daughters was angering me, I wanted to throw my water bottle at her.  I just kept going between major anger and feeling really depressed.  I did look at my wrist at some point and thing…hmm..(I’m a self-harmer you see), but thankfully that desire passed.  I rang my partner at work to ask him to come home, as I was losing it and he could hear that, due to me yelling at the children.  But he said he can’t come home, as we can’t afford it.  Which, so didn’t help.  But what can you do.  He heard me calling my older daughter a bitch and swearing at her and told me to stop it and stop taking it out on her.  I was like, “ok, but I’m not coping”.  And was expressing how it pisses me off that his Mum nannies other people’s kids and only visits us if she’s over this way and never actually makes a special trip.  Which sux, as she lives like 15 mins away!  So eventually I had to get off the phone and let him go back to work.  After that, I went between anger and wanting to lash out and very depressive moods.  Ok, so not having breakfast, did not help, but I hadn’t had time.  I had to give my children breakfast and then attempt to get the baby to bed, so my energy was nearly non-existent.  My partner kept telling me on the phone to go eat and get my medication, but I was like, “no, my frame of mind is not good and I have no energy and I shouldn’t drive in this state”.  I simply had no motivation or energy to do anything but cry and lay on the bed.  I got quite worked up and when that happens I have a little bit of an anxiety attack and start coughing and feeling like I’m going to be sick.  I was like, yes, I need to ask for help, but I don’t have the guts and I don’t want to let anyone who can help, know I’m not coping.  I have a LOT of trouble asking for support and help in my most desperate times and that is not good.  The only person I trust enough to ask for help is my partner and due to our finances, he can’t afford to leave work.  Which sux, as like I said to him, I’m important too.  But yeah, we simply can’t afford for him not to do his hours.

Can I just say “Thank GOD for coffee!”.  If I didn’t have a coffee right now, I’d still be feelings super crap.

I really wanted to call someone and tell them I’m not coping and don’t want to move an inch and can they please go get my medication, but yeah, as I said, no energy or motivation to move, even out of my bedroom.

To be honest, the ladies from my first PND group, they were all like, we are all here to support each other and if you need to talk or anything, let us know.  And I would tell them when I wasn’t coping and that I needed company and they’d never have the time for me!  I think they are rude, well-off, snobby, clique bitches to be honest!  And because I am not well off and haven’t had their traumatic pregnancies, labours or births, they all seem to clique and relate and exclude me.  That is total fuck’n bull shit if you ask me!

Anyway, that’s my morning so far.  Helped to share.  I hope my day gets better, though I still have no motivation to leave the house.  And urgh, I have to get groceries today, which I hate!  Stresses me the hell out!