Tag Archive: understanding

I was thinking on this subject especially on the weekend. Due to how I was feeling within my relationship and was considering how depression effects relationships or maybe just mental illness in general.

So, pretty much, I was rather down and exhausted. Both physically and mentally. Due to getting sick(I have the flu now) and it’s toll on my energy as well as mental health. I find getting sick has a follow on effect with me of my mental health declining soon after. Which makes sense really. As when you are not feeling 100% everything becomes a chore and your tolerance for everything goes down, big time.

Anyway. I was feeling very unsupported by my fiance and was over getting no help when I needed it, with what I needed help with. Being housework. As I do ask him, when I am unwell, if he can just help me with at least 1 household chore. And in saying that, I try and be easy on him and don’t ask too much. As in, just doing half of the dishes. Like if one of us wash them, the other can dry. And I think this is not much to ask and it’s not a big task. But yeah, still he won’t help. No matter how I explain about my lack of energy, due to being sick and lack of motivation. Does he show me any compassion or sympathy? No he doesn’t.

It’s funny how he won’t acknowledge all the housework I do or anything I do. Yet he gets pissed off if it’s not done and has a whinge.

I feel that he manipulates/plays on my emotions. As he knows I love him and I care about him and his opinion and I feel he plays on this fact.

It all just got a bit much for me on the weekend.

What happened was, my older daughter(from a previous relationship), her Dad wanted to see her and that’s fine. But I had told my fiance I wouldn’t be going anywhere else during the weekend on Friday. As I went to the latest Twilight movie and to try make him feel less sulky about that, I assured him I had no plans to go anywhere during the weekend. But, I didn’t know til Saturday, that my daughters Dad wanted to see her. So when he asked to see her, I arranged that with him. My fiance then got in a foul mood due to this. And I explained to him, that I didn’t have plans to go anywhere, but this has come up and I’m not going to deny my daughter the chance to see her Dad. And he was like, “well what if we had plans? I bet you wouldn’t have said no to him and would’ve canceled our plans”. And I reassured him that, no, if we had plans already, I would not have taken my daughter to see her Dad.

So, I left to take her to see her Dad and my fiance wouldn’t even acknowledge me and wouldn’t even give me a kiss before I left and just looked pretty pissed off.

This resulted in my pretty much crying most of the way to my daughters Dad’s house and I was quite an emotional wreck by the time I got there. Thankfully, he himself struggles with mental health issues too and we know each other quite well and he was sympathetic and compassionate.

So we all had a nice time out Ten Pin Bowling and it was nice to vent to my daughters Dad and feel heard and understood.

I got home and told my fiance how I was feeling. Which was, that I feel unsupported, I feel I don’t get enough affection, I feel like, I can’t leave the house without him being annoyed at me for leaving and how this is not good for my mental health, as I do need time away and that, I end up therefore, due to his lack of support, staying out for longer, as I dread coming home to him in a mood. I also told him, I don’t feel appreciated at all for all that I do during the week, with looking after the kids and doing the housework and just once, it would be great to just have some acknowledgement in that area. His response was “I’m not that kind of person. I don’t say things like good job or well done” and I said, “well that’s no excuse. I at least acknowledge everything you do and to have some acknowledgement in return would help me not feel so unsupported and unappreciated and therefore, less anti you”. I also went on to say, that it should not be my problem that he has no social life and therefore is jealous that I get to go out and do things and I do have to get out and see others, for the sake of my mental health, as, if I don’t, my mental health declines. I feel like, he punishes me, with his sulking, due to him not having friends. But really, I am my own person, I am in charge of me and that is really his problem and should not be put on me and I should not be made to feel guilt for having friends and some social interaction. I feel like, I have to spend as much time at home as possible, to keep him happy and this often ends up making me isolated and therefore makes my mental health decline. I explained to him, the lack of affection is really hard for me. As it shows me he cares and when I’m clearly upset and he can see that, it would be really comforting if he could hug me. That, I shouldn’t have to get hugs from other people, who I don’t even know that well.

So, he didn’t respond at all. He just sat there and said not a thing. I said that pretty much, that makes me feel like you don’t care about me or our relationship and maybe I should just leave. As his behaviour is making me want to push him away and that I don’t want to despise him, but it’s heading that way.

Still, no response. So, me being me, was not willing to drop it. So I just followed him over to the computer and insisted he give me a response.

He gave me plenty of excuses and said he felt like I have this whole other family(with my daughter and her Dad) when I go hang out with them for several hours. Anyway, things seem better at the moment.

But it makes it really apparent how important support is. Especially by your partner, when you have mental illness or just even if you don’t.

I often feel angry at him. For all the time he spends on his computer, with headphones on, ignoring his surroundings. It is very hard having a gamer for a partner/fiance/husband. I sympathize with any women who has to deal with this and I know I am not alone in this frustration.

But, he is a great Dad to our daughter. Just lacks interest and compassion towards my older daughter. Which I don’t like at all. Which was another thing I mentioned in my talk to him the other day.

See, I was very kind about my talk with him the other day. I made sure I did not raise my voice, did not get angry, did not attack him with words, did not say anything insulting. So I felt quite frustrated that I still got no response for about 45 minutes. As I was very controlled. Seems with him, no approach works any better then another. I used I feel statements and made sure I wasn’t using blaming words.

So, yeah, been crying a fair bit over the weekend. Well actually, been crying a lot lately in general.

But, at least on a different positive. I’m 1 kg away from my goal weight. Which is 55 kgs. So, currently 56 kgs.

It’s taken ages to get below 57-58 kgs. But finally, I am getting there.

That song “Don’t you worry child” by Swedish House Mafia, though, makes me cry nearly every time I hear it. Not sure why. But it’s in my “Emotions Playlist”. Which is pretty much a playlist of any song that evokes emotion in me. I feel it’s quite good to feel emotions. So I do listen to it quite a bit lately.

Ok, think that’s all I have to say. Thankx for reading.

Honestly. I have been going through a bit of a period of not coping.

Usually these periods pass, but this one has not as yet. 

It generally takes a certain period of time for me to realize it’s one of those periods that is not a passing one. As I usually give myself the grace of a week and generally this feeling does pass.

It is saddening the feeling of being overwhelmed by life and not coping.

Feeling like you are starting to lose the plot and like there is no demise.

Often, I do just want to runaway. But I know I have responsibilities and that is not a reality I can embrace.

Feeling so angry, so sensitive, so easily upset.

I don’t ask for help much. But I did ask for help today and I’m glad my darling fiancee came through for me and could come home and at least just be here with me.

So yes, I may have trouble asking for help when I need it the most. But please, don’t follow this example and do ask for help. Like from me, I am more then happy to help and be there for you. I am better at that, then practicing what I preach on myself.

I don’t think I have been very good at looking after myself, as I usually do. I just feel burnt out emotionally. I have been way too anti-social. 

I am not wanting advice on how to improve my situation. I am doing my best. I have been

practicing ways to look after myself mostly. But sometimes, life is a bit much and we are allowed to have these down times and not be persecuted for them, like it’s our doing, our attitude or some area we are lacking in, that is the reason for this. Some of us are just more emotional beings then others and that is why this can be our experience, not because we lack in any way. Attitude, outlook or otherwise.
I did in fact post all of that above on my facebook profile.  As I wanted to share where I have been at honestly.  
Sometimes I can be a bit of a closed book about my struggles, down times and emotional state. While other times I am an open book.  
I try to be an open book as much as possible.  Though at the same time, making sure I protect myself from anyone taking advantage of my kindness or fragile state.
I like to encourage people to be honest about similar things.  As I know how much it can help to let all this out.  And I must admit, I do like being that person others can turn to.  It’s makes me feel privileged and significant.
I have found the lack of social interaction did catch up with me and bite me in the ass.  
I thought I was ok with my own company.  And to an extent I was.  But then, I spent too long in my own company and as a result got a bit isolated and my emotional state ended up suffering.
It’s been hard not having an Anxiety Group meet up that suited, to go to for quite some time.  I think it’s been a few months.
But I have appreciated having my new friendship with Sarah and being able to chat with her and hang out with her and I love how we both really get what each other is going through.  And seem to be at similar places in our lives.  
She is the only person I reached out to, with all my honesty about my feelings lately and how I really honestly have felt.  And I really appreciate that I have her in my life and she is someone I can share these things with, in the knowledge I am totally accepted and understood.
People like her are real gems.  And in this life, they are few.  So I feel blessed to know her.
So, I went to the doctor today.  And me being me.  I only go when I have pretty much lost feelings of hope and am feeling rather in despair and feeling unable to suck it up and cope.
The doctor was really good.  He listened intently.  He acknowledged every concern I had.  He was just very good and compassionate.  Which are qualities that way too often lack in many doctors.
He gave me some Vitamin D, which should help.  Gave me some great advice.  Validated my concerns.  And asked if I minded taking a test, to determine the severity of my depression.  And I answered it happily and honestly.  I was actually expecting a result of maybe moderate depression. As I guess I play it down, how badly I think I am suffering.  But I actually got a result of severe depression.  Which I guess makes sense.  Considering how low I have been feeling and the feelings of despair.  And the passing desire to self-harm yesterday, I always know that’s not a good symptom.
He had another doctor or something sitting in on his consultation with me.  Which I had okayed anyway.  As I think maybe he is a new doctor.  As in, this is his first job after qualifying possibly. She just pretty much listened to his response and recommendations for me and what I had to say and at the end, suggested anything he should maybe re-think or suggest.  Which was quite good. She also has a lot of knowledge on the subject of Vitamin D and was more then happy for me to be given a supplement for that.
I came away from the doctor actually feeling quite satisfied for once.  And heard and validated.  As often I go away from consultations thinking, why did I even bother?!  
I think the sign of a good and professional doctor is empathy, compassion and a doctor who has the ability  to alleviate your concerns and work with you to come up with solutions.
The doctor suggested coming back in a few weeks, after I’ve had the tubal ligation and see where things are at with me.
It’s been hard for me not seeing my Psychologist for nearly a month.  Unfortunately due to the days and times I can get my youngest daughter looked after, I have not been able to find a time slot available at Psychologist lately.  So I don’t have another appointment til next week. 
I am feeling quite a bit happier after taking the Vitamin D tablet.  So clearly that was an area I was lacking in.
Hopefully my energy levels increase soon and I start feeling happier.
I think I may be a little more sensitive emotionally at the moment due to the PMS recently while I had my monthly visitor(period) and because I am getting the tubal ligation next week.  I mean shit, it is a very final, permanent procedure.  It’s normal to feel a bit apprehensive about it.
Right, I think that is all for now.  Off to bed now.