Tag Archive: therapy

So, today has been a mix of a day.

Tonight, about an hour ago, I decided to deactivate my Facebook profile.  As I feel I can be quite preoccupied by it and I would say I am a tad obsessed/addicted to it.  And when you are feeling a sense of anxiety about keeping up with all the newsfeeds and get annoyed when the page feed crashes, it is becoming a problem.

Also tonight, I stood on the scales.  And let’s just say, the number was a wake up call.  I have in all honesty, been eating a lot of junk food and just not caring about the consequences.  Though in the back of my mind, I did have this nagging thought about the fact there will be consequences.  I mean just looking at the size of my stomach should have been a big wake up call. But I just tried not to pay attention.  As paying attention meant acknowledging the problem, therefore prompting me to make changes.  I knew the scales would possibly not be so kind.  But I did not expect my weight gain to be as much as it was.  So I really need to stop making excuses and start eating healthy again.  You see the problem is this.  I know I can lose weight and I know I can lose all that I have gained.  But, that fact is part of my excuse.  As I have this attitude that I can lose the weight if I am strict with myself and persist with it.  So I just put off taking the appropriate action. It is actual quite arrogant of me.  And if I am to be brutally honest, the size of my stomach is nearly overtaking the size of my boobs.  Granted I do have small boobs, but still.

I had my first appointment with my Psychologist today and I actually got a lot out of it.  Which I did not expect.  She gave me a handout on worrying which was quite helpful.  And she has given me some printouts for keeping a DBT(dialectical behaviour therapy) mood diary.  So I have to fill that out each day.  These 6 sessions I have been given will be working on the DBT technique called ‘Emotional Regulation’.

I do not know what was going on with me earlier today, but I found myself feeling quite shaky and possibly anxious.

Oh and guess what?!  The FGC(family group conference) review that was meant to be definitely booked for Friday 31st October, is not now.  In fact it had been changed to Friday 7th November without me being in any way informed.  But it turns out that date does not suit my oldest daughters carers.  So it is now this date next month.  So Friday 21st November. I only found this all out for sure this afternoon.  As since the Wellington CYFS(child, youth and family) social worker had not been very forthcoming with contact or replying to my emails, I made a point of emailing the FGC coordinator.  They had not even thought about the issue of how I would get there.  As clearly we do not have the income to fund the flights there and back.  So now I have talked with the coordinator, I know what is going on for sure now.  So I know the date, time and location.  Initially I was not too impressed about the change of date.  As I knew from my email yesterday from the FGC coordinator, that they were looking at Friday 7th November, but that did not suit my oldest daughters carers.  But I was initially annoyed about other things too.  Such as not knowing the time or location or anything about travel arrangements. Now that I have been completely informed about all this, I am quite happy with the changes.  You see, when the previous FGC coordinator handed over to the current one, she gave the new one the same date for a whole bunch of FGC reviews. Which seems pretty unfair on the new FGC coordinator.  I actually know they new FGC coordinator.  She used to be our CYFS social worker back when my 2nd daughter was a baby.  I really like her and have a lot of respect for her.

My good friend got some good news yesterday.  He has been given a new Psychologist and by the sounds of their first meeting, she is exactly the right therapist for him.  So I am really happy and relieved to hear that.  As having the right therapist does a great deal for recovery.

Hmm.  I do not think having a coffee this evening was particularly helpful for the preparation for bedtime.  As I am feeling still quite alert and it is nearly 11pm.  So I really need to stop having coffee’s in the evening I feel.  I need to find some way to wind down.

Anyway, that is all for tonight.  Thanks for reading.

So I don’t know if what I’m going to write is something I have written about before. The downside to having a crap short term memory. But anyway, I will write about it either way. As it is on my mind a lot.

I personally do not want my suffering to be for nothing. So, no matter how unpleasant, how uncomfortable, how scary, how unfair and how horrible this journey has been or is, regarding my mental health. I will always try to turn it into something positive, useful and purposeful. So that way my suffering has a purpose.

I will always be honest and open about my suffering and not be ashamed of it. I will always share my experience and blog about it. As I want others to know the real me, I want others who are suffering to know they are not alone in their suffering and I want to encourage others to share and be open about their suffering, if they feel they can be. And I want to help give others the strength to reach out, ask for help, hopefully inspire others and help reduce the stigma of mental illness, as well as any shame felt.

So, even though at times I may feel broken, no matter what, this journey will not break me.

Now I want to touch on a really good DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) technique called ‘Radical Acceptance’. It is a technique I learnt about last year some time, but have only really put it into practice since mid-December. And more so lately.

Radical Acceptance, as I would describe it is, accepting your reality, feelings and emotions, no matter how unpleasant those feelings and experiences are. It’s about saying to yourself “hey, this feeling, situation or emotion might suck and may be unfair, but I will accept that this is where I am at and how I feel and that’s ok. And I don’t have to like what this feels like and that is ok too.”

Using this technique has been a life saver, literally and has helped me get through everything I have been through since August last year.

And another part of DBT is accepting your emotions and letting them come and sit with you and eventually pass. As emotions ARE healthy and are definitely necessary. I believe this technique is referred to in DBT as ‘Emotional Regulation’.

I found this website, which covers the DBT techniques and explains them more: http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/dbt_lessons.html

‘Distress Tolerance’ is another DBT technique that I know a small amount about and will being learning more about in the next 5 weeks. As I am attending a DBT based Resiliency course through Lower Hutt Community Mental Health, that goes for 6 weeks and covers the technique of ‘Distress Tolerance’. Last week was the 1st week of this course.

I definitely acknowledge my need for one to one therapy though. As it is really difficult having been through what I have been through and am going through without having any therapy at all. And I really do need something that is just for me and about me, where I can go and be totally honest and start to work through things. This reality was making me feel quite upset last night and I was crying for some time about it. As I desperately need some therapy. And I definitely do feel frustrated that only half the fix has been addressed. That being the chemical imbalance component, which is managed with antidepressants.

Pretty sure that’s all I had on my mind to share today. If not, I’ll come back and write another post.

Good news

Right, so I decided to be really honest about some stuff on my Facebook profile. About how I am aware that sometimes people can take my quietness and antisocial behavior the wrong way. And how that can be misinterpreted by some as me being rude, snobby, antisocial and that in fact I am not being any of those thing’s on purpose. But if I am acting that way, it’s because I am feeling highly anxious and not doing so well with my mental health.

I also said that sometimes I don’t ask for help and support, because I have been let down in the past when I have asked for those thing’s. And also, sometimes I may put on a front of being more OK then I am, because I don’t like that I’m still suffering and it’s hard to admit that I still am.

Well, clearly that admission, feeling listened to and taken seriously by CATT(crisis assessment treatment team) and Lower Hutt CMH(community mental health) and knowing I’ll be starting a 6 week DBT(dialectal behavioural therapy) group this Wednesday, has been a big positive.

As since I wrote that last week, my mood has been really good.

Also, I have been feeling really good about my bond with my baby boy and I have a strong desire to fight to be able to be around my 2 youngest kids unsupervised, at the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) 3 month review next month.

So I will be discussing this desire with all the professionals I am involved with, so they can advocate and support me in this.

I will also be bringing up the FGC plans negative effects on my 4 year old, how hard all this has been on her. Especially the not having her older sister living with us. And the negative effects of all this on my mental health. And I will be expressing my desire to have my oldest daughter back with me full time.

All these big decisions are making me feel really motivated and positive.

My oldest daughter spent 4 1/2 hours over here yesterday, which was awesome. Her little sister loved it too. And I made them both some bracelets.

The hard bit though, was how distraught my younger daughter got when her sister had to leave. She was extremely upset for nearly an hour afterwards. And as you could imagine, that tears me up inside.

I am feeling really happy my mood has improved. Finally I am getting a break from all the suffering.

Right, so since my last post, I have only had one major down. Which was I think a few days after the last post.

It came about over the whole car seat business again, with my toddler. See we were trying the full booster seat with the normal seat belt and that went ok for a few days. But then she started being difficult and trying to get out of the seat belt or just not sit in her seat properly, which is dangerous. I explained to her this is not safe, but she doesn’t listen…but how many strong-willed toddlers do? Anyway, I had to stop the car at least once to put her back in her seat properly and she continued the business of not sitting properly again to Kindy. That stressed me out. I had issues several times this particular day with her and the car seat. Not fun. Anyway, bribery worked a few times regarding getting her to comply. But when it came time to go pick my fiance up from work, she just wasn’t behaving and I could not get her to stay in the seat, though I tried several times. I just lost it and yelled, slammed the car door, yelled some more. Took both the children inside and went upstairs while losing it and had a big panic attack. Which hasn’t happened for ages. I called my fiance and asked if he could get a ride home. Little did I know he couldn’t and I didn’t get to the phone in time to answer, when he had called. So after 90 minutes, I was wondering why he wasn’t home. Turns out, he couldn’t find a ride and had to walk home. I offered to go get him from where he had walked to so far, but he said no. I was really not in a condition to drive soon after my panic attack. So, he came home, pretty annoyed, went upstairs and slept for the next 90 minutes. Which of course left me feeling pretty miserable.

On that particular day, I was just so very over everything, that I wished I could be committed to a mental institution for the duration of my pregnancy. As I could no longer handle the stress of my everyday life and all that was thrown my way. I did call my Mum and had a chat, which was good.

So, I have kind of fixed the car seat issue, by putting the full harness back on the seat. You see it’s a convertible full booster seat. Which is suitable from about 2 1/2 years old. So you have the harness at first, then later move to the seat belt on the full booster and then when they are school age, you can remove the back to make it a 1/2 booster. Very clever and great investment! Anyway, I figured, yes I may get some resistance from little miss stubborn and I may have to force her into being clipped in, but at least I know she is safe! So we have our good and not so good times with putting the harness back on. But I can relax at knowing she is at least safe.

Ok, so things have been better since last weeks dramas. Only thing I wasn’t so happy about was, I sold our old bed, which is nearly 2 years old, on Trade Me. It had several watchers and interest and someone used the Buy Now, to buy it after it being only listed for about 4 hours. But, when I saw the persons feedback, I was like, hmm, not sure how I feel about that. As they have 26 negative feedbacks and that’s about every 3rd or 4th feedback on purchases. Purchases they never completed or picked up. They tend to muck around most traders and then get annoyed at the negative feedback, which they deserve. Who knows why they do this. Clearly they have no conscience. So, I was surprised that they replied to my email straight away and organized pick up for Saturday at 3pm. Well, that’s the last I heard from them. Saturday came and went, they made no contact, they aren’t replying to emails. Leaving me pretty pissed off, as our car was on empty and we only had 80 cents. Totally stuffed us up this trade not going through. As it kind of sucks when you really want to leave the house, but you can’t, due to no money or petrol. And waiting around for a no show, yeah, not cool! So I was stressing about how I would get my fiance to work, my toddler to Kindy and my older daughter to school.

Saturday wasn’t the best day, as I asked my fiance nicely, to vacuum. He got shitty and got up and did, while banging and crashing the vacuum around. Which I found quite upsetting. I talked to him about all this later. Simply explaining how his actions made me feel. How it’s good that I communicate my feelings and needs when they come up, rather then not and them bottling up and me ending up snapping and being irrational and insulting. He’s like, whose telling you all this crap? I said, some of it is just what I know and have learned over the years through therapy and he’s like, you’re not qualified, stop psychologying me. Had to laugh at that. I just continued to explain, why me talking calmly and asking for what I need and communicating my feelings is the best thing to do and why. So he listened, as he does, giving no feedback, as he does. I also explained why I had lost the plot a bit earlier in the week and how his actions or lack of, left me feeling and how I want some reassurance he actually cares about me and loves me. His response, “I don’t have feeling or emotions. Let alone talk about them”. I’m like, “yeah, you do. Frustration and anger are both feelings”. Anyway, he heard me, all seems fine now. He’s not much one for big time communication. But hey, he chilled out and all seems good. I also said, how I feel it is not helpful to us or our relationship, the fact his parents don’t offer support and how I feel that is really important and that area lacking, is not good for us. I feel I get more support from my Mum who lives in Australia. And when I chatted to her the other day, like I mentioned above, I told her how I appreciate her support and how much I respect her.

So, Sunday, it was going fine. But my toddler had an allergic reaction to some drinking chocolate. We had to call Healthline, who then called the ambulance. As within 15 minutes of her drinking it, she got an itchy head and face, her eyes went gunky, she developed a rash on her face and chest and then after 30 minutes, fell asleep and we couldn’t wake her properly. My fiance(her Dad) went with her in the ambulance and once they were seen, they gave her antihistamine and sent them home and said that I should take her to the GP today. She was ok after all this and slept well. Though she woke this morning with her eyes unable to open, due to the gunk in her eyes. This is apparently where the body tries to expel the toxins. GP has referred her to Pediatric outpatients, so hopefully we don’t have to wait ages for an appointment. The likely allergen is Tapioca we think. So I was a bit stuck with how to get them home from the hospital last night. And I tried to find someone to get them home, with no success, as it did end up being quite late by the time they were finished. So I had to risk running out of petrol to go pick them up. But at least I knew I had Roadside Rescue if the car did run out of petrol. But surprisingly, with the gauge on ‘E’ and fuel light flashing on and off most of the drive there and back, I got there and back. I thank God for that and yes I did have a pray before I left to venture out. She’s doing well today, fell asleep while playing on her sister’s tablet. I had to pick her sister up from school an hour early, as her poor sister had been vomiting at school.

Well, at least I feel needed. So I think I am doing pretty well since my last breakdown in mental health. I requested a refund for my success fee, from the auction that didn’t get completed, blacklisted that buyer and sent a fixed price offer to those who had been watching the auction before it closed. And to my delight, 20 minutes after doing this, someone accepted the fixed price offer, someone with all positive feedback and contacted me straight away. So yay for that!