The lady from mental health crisis line was asking me about it. As in, do I have much support.

Well, honestly, if it’s support I can access, honestly and fearing non-judgement. No I do not have any such support close by anyway.

I have a supportive few people at a distance, as in, other parts of NZ or at least an hour or so away.

But I don’t feel I have support that is there whenever I might need to call on it.

Only such thing is those helplines you can call.

Not an actual person I can go see.

I have friends who are supportive. But their lives have become quite busy more recently and they are not always available or in a position to be there for me.

There are people I can text or chat to online when they are available. I have 1 friend who lives a good hour away. And the other, well she lives in Christchurch and I can only call in the evenings.

I do not feel that supported at home. I feel I am expected to do too much. Though I do get some support. As in, my fiance helps gets the kids up and fed in the morning and cooks dinner at night. But on the weekend, when I’d love to just try relax, I am expected to do everything still.

He makes me feel, by his attitude that he thinks my role is easy. And because he works hard, I need to appreciate that, which I do by the way and I tell him that.

He thinks I have it easy. Though I tell him, no, it’s not just physically draining, but mentally draining too.

People say, tell him how you feel. Which I do. Doesn’t change anything.

I tell him, if just once, I could get some appreciation or acknowledgement for what I do, do, that would be great.

I don’t need to hear it often. But I do need to hear it. I do need to feel appreciated and I need it to be acknowledged. Instead of brushed off like it’s nothing. Like it’s so easy.

Clearly, it’s not SO easy.

If it were, I wouldn’t lose the plot several times a year.

It is draining going between, anger, depression, despair, discontent and frustration. Getting through it all and then going through it again and again.

I’m not like every bloody, body else!

I don’t cope, where others might. I can’t just snap my fingers and be all better and just snap out of these down times.

I do need support. Practical support, emotional support. I need to feel supported!

I don’t have family anywhere near me and that leaves a big gap/void.

I do all I can to try access support and put myself in positions to gain support, but it’s still lacking.

It has been very hard for me recently. As I had been sick and drained and in pain for near 2 weeks. And that has taken it’s toll on my mental health. Which is understandable. I mean, when you are less then 100% health wise for a significant period, it will take it’s toll.

I haven’t had social interaction in 2 weeks or more. And that has been bloody hard. But I was tired and unwell, so I wasn’t exactly up to going and visiting anyway. Though a visit would’ve been nice.

As you will know if you read my blog. Too little social interaction = Kelly getting depressed.

Today, I was so over everything.

I may be anti self harm and discourage that option. But in all honestly, that thought did cross my mind. Only reason I didn’t act on it, was lack of energy and thankfully that means lack of motivation. Which meant, I couldn’t be bothered getting anything sharp to inflict pain.

I was feeling frustrated and angry and so over everything and wanted to go around and kick walls and such. But my fiance was home and I didn’t want him hassling me/judging me for losing the plot.

I want to get away. I want time out. I want time away. But, I actually have no-where I could go to escape anyway.

As in, I usually like to go to a friends. But in the evenings, that’s not really a possibility. Because my friends have kids too and are generally having family time. Lucky them, they have happy family lives.

And I end up isolated, due to feeling like, if I do leave the house too often or for a bit, my fiance is going to have a sulk about it.

Now that’s not very supportive, is it?!

That’s all I have to say tonight. Need sleep.