Tag Archive: sleep


Well I have definitely been struggling. I am not sure if the fact that I am not really under the mental health team here yet has any bearing on that. Possibly.

I know it’s always going to be hard moving somewhere new, well newish, as I haven’t lived in Nelson for nearly 11 years. And I have only managed to properly reconnect with 1 old friend. And being how vital social contact is to my well being, it is understandable that with the lack of social contact, I feel somewhat lonely and isolated.

Due to the changes in my ability to cope since last August, things do effect me more easily and I am therefore more susceptible to more regular bouts of depression and more easily distressed.

I do acknowledge though, I have learned some useful tools from the DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Distress Tolerance workshop I did earlier this year. And I do believe I have definitely developed some resiliency.

I guess maybe I expect too much from myself at times and I need to be more kind to myself and not see bouts of depression as me lacking in any way. I need to remember I have had no formal therapy, so that has some bearing on things too.

I have lost someone close to me recently and I tend to flip between denial that this person is no longer and wishing it was all a big mistake and that they aren’t really gone. And then I grieve for this person’s family.

I have been going between feeling numb lately and feeling like I want to just not be in reality right now. Like I would rather just sleep all day and every day until my mood improves. Of course that is not in any way helpful. Plus my fiance does not allow me to sleep the whole day either. And yes, I do see that is a big signal I am definitely experiencing a bout of depression at present. There is that symptom and also not wanting to leave the house and delaying it as long as possible. And yes, I know this is not helpful or healthy.

I have a really hard time when friend’s of mine ask questions on my facebook photo’s, as to why my oldest daughter is not in them and where she is. And naturally I do not really want to make it extremely public knowledge among my every facebook friend, about the involvement of CYFS(child, youth & family) and why my daughter does not live with me.

I find also, the reminder by such questions about her not being here tends to make me feel down and upset.

I do not like to be more regularly reminded then I already am, that she is not here. As I already struggle with it and find it upsetting, without more reminders.

I must admit, I have been quite irresponsible with money. Sometimes I tend to do this unintentionally as a response to financial stress. I don’t know why really, as it makes things worse. I guess it is just that part of my personality that tends to want to live in a fantasy and live in a bit of a dream world and not be in the unpleasantness of my reality. It is really very irresponsible.

I guess sometimes I just want to escape my reality and that is why I do such things.

The reality is, we have accumulated a fair bit of debt since last August. Especially since my fiance resigned back in November last year. Our debt has got so bad that the budget advisor here has suggested we get an SIO(summary installment order). But that may very well mean we have to give the car back to the finance company.

So when my fiance found out we had very little money left from the bond refund, he got quite angry and I of course felt really guilty. So I went to the room and cried for a good while. And of course I start blaming myself for all the financial stress. Then I get to thinking, why does he not just find someone else. As I am sick of feeling like a burden, being a burden and I feel to blame for all this and so much guilt and I just do not want anyone else being dragged down by this. But clearly he loves me. Even if I struggle to understand why and how anyone still could after all this.

Hmm, my older sister. She still does seem to have quite unreasonable mood swings. As one minute she is asking a favour and then I check in with her and ask how things are, I try to express concern and empathy and she bites my head off. And that is upsetting and that is hard to deal with. As I am only trying to let her know I care and I want to support her if I can. I just wish she would stop throwing this back in my face or any of our families face who tries to do the same. I will not be so blunt as to tell her I feel she needs to get therapy and start to resolve some issues, so she can start to experience some joy again in her life. As I know her well enough to know that would not be taken as it is meant and that there would be a huge backlash to expressing such things. I wish she could be more reasonable.

You know honestly, sometimes I take more of my sleep medication then I should, not because I can’t get to sleep, but because I want to sleep for longer and not deal with reality or the day ahead. But I fear if I admitted that to any of the mental health team here, once I am under them, that they will limit my medication and switch back to more regular pick ups again. I know I shouldn’t do this.

Sometimes I think about trying to get to sleep without my medication and then I worry that if I try that, I may not get to sleep or I will undo any ability my body does have to get me to sleep naturally, by being too anxious about it. I guess I just need to again, stop being so hard on myself and just take time to recover and not try to hurry the process. As I know the last thing I need is to become deprived of sleep and I do not want to risk that.

Ok, I can’t think of anything else I wanted to write about, so I’ll just leave it there.

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Ok, I am going to admit to something that has being going on with me for some time. Possibly since last August.

It is related to sleep and dreams.

I actually slightly dread going to sleep and feel a certain degree of anxiety about falling asleep. And we all know how important sleep is.

My problem is this. My dreams are so vivid and they actually feel extremely real. I find this really concerning and it actually makes me feel quite fearful of being asleep. As I know I will dream. And because of the content of my dreams and how vivid they are, I don’t know they are actually dreams until I wake up.

On Saturday night/Sunday morning, I was having a horrible dream. It was like I was trapped somewhere and this place was kind of like a prison, yet also kind of like a psych ward. And I was so desperate to escape this place where I was trapped.

I actually find dreaming kind of traumatic and depending on the content of the dream. I can still be haunted the next day or so. It’s really horrible.

I have no idea what I can do about this. As sleep is necessary and dreams are inevitable.

I really hate feeling so fearful of my dreams and it’s like torture to me at times.

I just wish I could get some peace from this horror. It is really unpleasant.

Anyway, it’s 1:30am now, so I better take my medication and sleep, even if I fear my dreams.

Argh!!!

I know I really should be trying to sleep. But I’m having an issue with very lucid dreams. Which makes me partly not want to sleep. But I know sleep is vital, so I shouldn’t avoid it.

I’m finding it really horrible and scary, how my dreams feel real and like they are actually reality, when in fact they are not. Apparently this can be an side effect with sleep medication. But unfortunately now is not the time to try wean off it. As with all the stress of moving house in just under 3 days, I need my sleep.

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed when I came upstairs to go to bed about an hour ago. I was a mess emotionally. Panicked, anxious as hell, distressed, nauseous and my heart was going mental. I was also experiencing vertigo, hyper vigilance and hyper arousal/alertness and it felt like the bed was moving and the sounds of the house, due to the wind making it creek, made me on edge and convinced there was going to be a big earthquake. That would be what they term ‘catastraphizing’. Where you feel a sense of imminent danger and/or impending doom. I hate my minds ability to go to that place.

Pretty much, I’ve been holding a lot in emotionally and trying to keep it together and remain strong and just get through this period of the upcoming move. But I am finding the closer the move of house date gets, the more anxious, overwhelmed, stressed and panicked I get.

It did not help that last night my fiancé was not coping well with the fact that our baby woke when he shouldn’t have. My fiancé was frustrated and swearing and expressing this frustration and annoyance and the baby clearly picked up on that and was crying very urgently and in a distressed manner. Which I couldn’t cope with, so I went and cuddled him until my fiancé had got him a bottle. It was really distressing seeing my fiancé like that and it’s effect on my baby.

Unfortunately, as seems to be the case with my mental health and interactions and bond with my baby, the more I am exposed to any upset of my baby, the more I seem to get distressed and go from having a bond and warm feeling, to feeling distressed and stressed and wanting to get as far away from him as possible.

With all this stress, I have been feeling so desperate and wanting to runaway and leave my fiancé and baby behind and my home and sometimes even wanting to run and leave my whole family. I am finding these feelings incredibly distressing.

Part of me keeping stuff in, is partly as a result of the Cyfs(child youth & family) family group conference last month. Knowing information was shared about me, which I considered confidential. Such as things said by me to my psychiatrist and community mental health team.

It has caused me to feel I can’t truly express and talk about things anymore. As I am paranoid now about it being used against me potentially in the future.

Because the Cyfs social worker expressed that I was guaranteed to relapse again with my mental health, I’ve tried to keep it together and hold everything in to try and prove her wrong. As my pride gets in the way and I don’t want there to be any possibility of her being right. But I am feeling myself go downhill.

Ok, so not surprising I guess, as a result of the stress of moving and all that has happened since August. But I just hate my mental health declining, especially because it had been improving.

I just need to try and take things slow.

I am just feeling a bit concerned because of how the closer the moving date gets, the worse I get mentally.

I at least did one good thing for myself though. I called the mental health crisis line and talked to them about how I have been feeling.

My dermatillomania(as referred to and explained in a previous post) got pretty bad earlier too, when I came upstairs. I was picking more rapidly and pulling out loose bits of hair and peeling dry skin on my nose and feeling agitated, anxious and stressed and was rocking back and forth while doing so.

Ok, better go to bed, it’s nearly 1am!

Why oh why?!

Why oh why, does my depression fool me into thinking it’s improving and then, bam, the next day it’s back with a vengeance!

Sunday, was doing well.

Monday, was falling apart.

But that was due to it being the 32nd anniversary of my Dad’s death. Though my downward spiral mental health wise made it an even harder day I feel.

I was on the edge of tears all day yesterday. If not in tears.

My sleep has been pretty crap for a while and I think this is a contributing factor too and I feel stress is contributing to that. It’s not the getting to sleep that is so much of an issue, as Lavender Oil helps with that, it’s the staying asleep. I wake several times a night and take ages, sometimes an hour to get back to sleep and it’s not even like my mind is ticking over, it’s just being awake and not being able to just get back to sleep. And the end result, waking up tired every day and feeling like I need more sleep and suffering through out the day with the subsequent fatigue.

I have invested in some ‘Clinicians REM sleep’ tablets though. Though they weren’t cheap! I am hoping they help.

I feel, this long cycle of depression could’ve been avoided if I had managed to get an appointment with Community Mental Health sooner. I don’t have that appointment til the 29th of November.

I feel like I have been screaming out for help for over 6 months at various health professionals and just not been heard. And I always go when I am at my worst(though I should probably go before that) and still, seems like banging my head against a brick wall. I feel pretty frustrated at the length of time this appointment has taken to get. I do not like suffering for long periods like this. It’s very draining and hard to snap out of.

I feel this lack of support and help has been some of the reason behind why I have been having such an extended period of depression. As usually, it’s 2-3 weeks. Though like I think I said in an earlier thread, I have had a long period of depression of this length one other time this year.

So over it aye.

I was so stressed by my lovely toddler today, due to her continually running off at the supermarket this afternoon. I wanted to go back to the car and literally pull my hair out. I just wanted to bloody scream!

I had started off so well this morning I had thought.

I spent the whole time at home, before I had to go pick up my older daughter from school, just hanging out with her, trying to find ways to get her to comply, with no stress and it WAS working.

So I thought, cool, I’ve got it sorted.

I even let her have the freedom to go into a few shops without putting her in the pram and that went ok.

But after school, it all changed.

She wouldn’t go in the pram, so I had to hold her down to strap her in. She screamed the whole walk from the car to the classroom and continued while I waited for my older daughter and kept it up all the way back to the car. Get back to the car and she won’t get in her car seat. So I was like, well, stuff it, I give up and sat in the back seat til she was ready to comply. Which worked via bribe. As I had something she wanted.

So yeah, pretty drained today.

I’m hoping better sleep will help things a little or significantly.

And off in a completely different tangent, here’s just a few words on honesty.

I think my honesty does make people unsure what to think of me. But hey. I am me and that’s just how I roll.

Being so honest, it does of course upset me when people don’t take my word for things and don’t think I’m being truthful. As honesty is a big strength of mine.

…well, I dunno if everyone likes that strength, but hey.

Could be worse, I could be a compulsive liar.

Quite glad I’m honest. But never honest in a negative way.

Ok, getting tired now and hoping I did a good job of proofreading. As sometimes I think I have and come back, re-read my blog and see more mistakes.