Tag Archive: resentment

Man, I am experiencing so many different emotions lately, especially today.

Such as, grief, trauma, despair, anger, irritability, paranoia, stress, depression and anxiety.

I kind of feel like I want to numb my emotions right now. I was lying in bed before thinking, I wonder how many of my antidepressants it would take to get my mood into a good place. Maybe 4 or 5. Yeah, not healthy thinking. I just hate feeling so low and distraught.

I don’t know if my paranoia and sensitivity is coming from stress, grief or recent events.

I do know my stress is coming from recent events. Where I feel a few people are taking their stress out on me. And plus there is financial stress in there too.

I feel quite on edge and anxious. And I find myself getting easily irritated and angry. Again, I am unsure specifically where this comes from. Maybe stress and recent events of being judged and feeling picked on and bullied.

The grief and trauma is coming from the upcoming move and having to leave my oldest daughter behind until CYFS(child, youth & family) hopefully let her return to my care at the end of the school year. There is a HUGE amount of grief and trauma surrounding that. And especially surrounding her and how she was not allowed to return to my care after I came out of hospital last August. It effects me hugely this reality. And the trauma also comes from how my life got turned upside down after the onset of my extremely severe depression last August and CYFS becoming involved and how I nearly had my younger 2 taken off me and was not allowed to have my oldest living at home. CYFS well and truly came along and tore my family apart and for what?! Because I had an extremely low point last August. How does that make me an unfit mother? Mental Illness does not equal inadequate or incapable parent. The birth of my son was a trauma and then all this upheaval from CYFS created yet another trauma.

Yes, it was extremely traumatic for me having them come into my life and absolutely pulling it apart. Not just with regards to my family, but also it totally screwed us over financially. And then they have the cheek to question our ability to provide our children with enough food. Even though, there involvement has caused us to be in the worst financial hardship ever! They even went as far as to suggest I see my older daughter less, due to lacking in petrol, due to our low income. Yet, not once have they tried to help us remedy this mess that they have created. And I know for a fact they have funds and access to such help. And just to clarify, no matter how poor we have been, our children have never gone without. I am the one who chooses to go without to ensure they are all well fed.

And there are so many red lights signaling to me the huge effect all this has had on my 4 year old. She seems to be displaying a high level of anxiety, needs reassurance, is quite clingy and her behaviour has been effected greatly, as has her confidence and reluctance to interact socially. She used to sleep in her sister’s bed before we got bunks. Now, she either wants to sleep with the light on or wants to sleep in our bed. She has started showing what I would observe as anxiety and insecurity, by chewing on her clothes or sucking them and chewing on her necklace. She sometimes lashes out at kids at Kindy, due to being quite sensitive and/or angry. She tends to keep to herself a lot at Kindy. When her sister is here, she totally opens up and she is happy, chatty and is exactly how she used to be. It upsets me greatly how all of this has effected it.

Regarding my paranoia. I am feeling like some people are bullying or picking on me, with either private messages on Facebook or posts. And I don’t know if some of these posts are about me or directed at me or whether I am just being over-sensitive and paranoid. Though I suspect considering who is doing the posting and being they are all in the same family, it is quite possible I am not actually being paranoid.

Gosh, I was reading a post on PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and just reading the signs made me feel a sense of dis-ease.

I was reading a post on a Facebook group I am in last night and what the person posting described I could so totally relate to. And I wasn’t the only one. Like, we all appreciate that we are not alone in those feelings, while still wishing the others didn’t have to go through it too. It really touched me that post.

Sometimes when I am just lying on my bed, just having a quiet moment, my emotions just hit me like a train. Just, boom and they are all consuming. Such as tonight, I was lying in bed with my 4 year old, while I waited for her to fall asleep and I am hit with feelings of grief, trauma, despair and sadness over the upcoming move and leaving my oldest daughter and also, over how my 4 year old has been effected. And I was just in tears and absolutely consumed with sadness.

I know I am definitely depressed at the moment, as I don’t want to go anywhere, I have no motivation, I want to avoid people, I feel depressed and I’m feeling alone and isolated.

I was thinking tonight, I don’t know how much of my perception of my fiance and our relationship is down to the effect of my mental health and how much is based on fact. As sometimes I truly appreciate him and feel good about us and other times I feel anger and resentment. And I don’t know what to think or feel about all this. It is all very confusing.

I feel really tired, but then again, I did an hour ago when I went up to bed, yet boom, I lie down for a bit and I’m wide awake! So I really don’t trust my bodies ability to fall asleep without my sleep medication(Quetiapine) with this fact considered.

So, what have I been upto lately. I mean that’s a good question, simply because I’m so forgetful, half the time I can’t answer that question! Man, I want my memory back!

I’m really tired today. Don’t know why, as Annabelle slept from bedtime last night til morning. Probably is because one of our cats kept waking me up. I was feeling like I could so easily just fall asleep at the parenting course I went to this morning.

Sophie, hmm, I love her. But I have moments when she is being super naughty and defiant that make me wish I only had 1 child. I’ll get thinks sorted one day. This parenting course I just started should help. Plus she’s going to go to a health camp at some point, which are really good for helping sort things out. Braiden’s needs to step up and start being a decent parent to Sophie. I get she’s not his, but he used to be fine with her before her behaviour went downhill and he got much, much worse after Annabelle came along. Though having to have a severely depressed partner mustn’t have been easy. And then there is financial stress. I can’t even start to understand how things feel as a step parent. But still, sux he has changed, for the worse. I feel quite resentful towards him sometimes when he’s being a jerk to Sophie. I know she’s not easy and she’s hard work, but rejecting her just makes matters worse!

I hate it when Braiden gets pissed off at me and won’t talk to me, respond or anything. Especially when he doesn’t have a valid reason and he’s just sulking! Hate the way him doing that makes me feel! Why do men have to suck so much with communication! And why are the only affectionate when they want, you know what?! Friggen brains in their pants!

I still feel like, though I know some new people, I don’t really, really have many friends. But I get new friendships don’t just happen and gaining a real friendship takes a lot of work.

I got rather frustrated with my hair a few weeks ago and was sick of it looking untidy, so cut it, myself. It looks ok though, thank goodness!

Oh and all these natural disasters. ARGH!!! So scary! It just makes you think, when is it our turn?… And what they hell would we do?! As we only have some water and 3 cans and that’s not a real survival kit!

Gosh, sometimes I really feel like my days are so repetitive. You know, same shit different day. Like some parts of the day change, but mostly it’s the same. It’s such a boring existence. Like I feel like something needs to change but I don’t know what it is.

I dunno, it just seems like something is just not been right since getting PND all those months ago. Or maybe something is missing.

I guess I feel a bit nonchalant and a tad melancholy at times.

Ok, so stuck for what to write about. So I’m off to find something else to do.