Tag Archive: Propanolol


So I had my oldest daughter down for 4 days from last Friday til this Monday and that was mostly pretty good. But I did have 1 day that was quite hard, due to her going on and on about money, being rich and making it quite clear to me what her carer and Granddad having been feeding to her since I moved down here. It is quite apparent that her Granddad(on her Fathers side) is trying to set me up for failure, by giving her 4 extra curricular activities, which he pays for and knowing there is no way I could afford to keep them all up if she moves back. He has her doing Violin, French, Girl Guides and Gymnastics. And he seems to be doing a lot of activities with her which require ongoing money spending. As well as pushing the fact she will miss out on seeing her cousins if she moves, what, all 6 of them? When she in fact has more family down here. She has my 2 cousins and their 3 kids, my 2 sisters and their 7 kids and my parents will be moving back next year. Plus Nelson is a lovely place to live. The things that have been being taught/fed to her are, you must save up a lot of money, have 1-2 jobs(a supermarket job is not a real job apparently) and travel lots of places before having kids and you must save up before you have children. She gets $20 is she loses a tooth and was given $40 spending money for 4 days here! Also, while the too much technology exposure was something my fiance and I were persecuted on by CYFS(child, youth and family), it seems that she gets more technology time then ever before and she wants to save up for an xbox 360 and that is being encouraged. I mean wtf?! So yeah, anyway, it wasn’t all that pleasant her going on and on about money related things and she even went as far as asking, if I would ever be homeless, to which I responded, I have never or will never be homeless and something you do not know about your Father, who pretends he is wealthy, is that he in fact lived on the streets for 2 years. I am not about badmouthing him, so I have never told her of his very shady past. I must say, I am pretty damn disgusted at the lengths her Granddad is going to, to undermine me and try and set me up for failure.

This whole CYFS business is doing my head in! I am so over their input in my life. And one thing that is quite a major issue for me, if I am to be completely honest, is how they have my oldest sister, who is also my landlord and lives in the flat just below me, as an observer for them, who they use to report things back relating to me, my kids and my parenting. And this does not do great things for our bond as sisters, I in fact think it is quite detrimental to our relationship as sisters. As I often do not know her motive or agenda, such as, I do not know if she is being genuine or information gathering, which makes spending time with her quite awkward.

I met the Nelson CYFS people on Wednesday. It was pretty much like being integrated for nearly an hour. With the lady asking me why I chose not to put my youngest into daycare and suggesting I should need a break during the week from looking after him, to which I replied I do not need a break, I get that when he has his nap and when my fiance gets home. Also, I said, what is it you are expecting that I would do with all that free time? As any potential therapy I may be offered would only be once a week for 1 hour. I find it incredibly frustrating that they base their judgements of me on what is in the notes from the Wellington CYFS. As that is really unfair, I should be observed as to how I am now and how I am coping now, not have the past being such a focus and also, there is much written in those transfer notes that is not fact, but hearsay. Like I have always maintained and stand by, I told them a lot of the decline in my mental health and the level of unwellness, was the negligence of Porirua Community Mental Health and how their portrayal of me is not one I respect, as they were an epic failure in nearly all regards. And I reminded them that I have not in fact had any formal one to one therapy as yet and it is nearly a year on and that all things considered I am doing extremely well for how far I have progressed considering that. Also, I told them there was quite a significant period of time when I was not on suitable antidepressants and being chemical imbalance is part of the factor, that the time it took to improve was also stunted by this. They said they want Wellington CYFS to still be involved in some way in the next FGC review regarding my 2 youngest children. Gosh, I thought I had seen the back of that lot with regards to my youngest children!

I was visiting a good friend of mine today and talking to her friend, who happens to be a social worker for the Nelson DHB and by what I was discussing with her, he actually thought I was a trained social worker or someone who was trained in Mental Health. That is a pretty huge compliment. I told him, no, I actually am in fact not trained in anything, I have just had Depression since I was 17 and I have done a bit of reading and research on Mental Health, as well as my experiences of Mental Illness in my own life. He said that just by what huge amount I seem to know about that area, all I would need is the qualification on paper, as I have a pretty good grasp on the subject. The interesting thing he said about CYFS was, their social workers, well the fair majority, are on a huge power trip and that they actually put to shame the profession of social work. As like I was expressing, that a person should be taken as is, not based on notes, he said that is what they should do, but sadly do not, but the DHB social workers do work from that basis, meaning, taking you as you are now, not as you used to be. Interestingly, about him, is he also experiences Mental Illness and has done much of his life also.

I have been a tad more social this week, which has been good.

I am feeling very comfortable and confident with my renewed role as Stay at Home Mum. Which I am very proud of.

I met my Nelson Community Mental Health psychiatrist last week. He was really nice. And I will have a CMH social worker under this team too, which is great. So I am feeling quite happy so far with the Nelson team. I discussed with him whether there is any need for the Propranolol, considering it essentially has no use to me and he agreed I should discontinue it. I also discussed how the 100mgs of Quetiapine is now too much for me at night and is causing me to have trouble waking in the morning, so he has agreed with me dropping that back to 50mgs. Which I had already done. I discussed with him about the contents of my dreams often disturbing me also. That is still a very real problem unfortunately.

Well I better go to bed now. Thanks for reading.

It has been about a week since I posted last. But boy, what a week it has been.

So I called my CMH(Community Mental Health) Nurse and told her of how I have been struggling lately and how my dreams are really disturbing me and that I therefore do not go to bed at an appropriate time due to this. So she made an appointment with my Psychiatrist for the next day. I saw him, explained what was going on. So he suggested trying another medication on top of the current ones and doing some mediation, which I’ll be honest, I have forgotten to do. The new medication is called Propanolol. It helps with Anxiety and is a Beta Blocker, so keeps the heart rate down. I am finding it definitely is helping me keep calmer and I am not as emotional as I was. Though I do still have a lot going on in my life.

So, financial stress is still very much an issue. And now it seems for some reason that has not been explained to me, I am getting $7 less per week on my benefit. Just last week, I was literally minutes away from having the power disconnected. And while I was at WINZ(work and income) for the 2nd time, my fiance called to tell me the power guy was at our home to disconnect the power and did I have an answer yet from WINZ about whether they would help us with this debt. Being told we were about to be disconnected was upsetting enough and I started crying, there at my appointment. And then the service manager there comes over and tells me I am rude for answering the phone and I am wasting valuable time. Even though I told her the phone call was actually relevant to the appointment. Yeah, way to add to my stress! So I was made to see their budget person the next day and come in for a 3rd appointment. Thankfully they decided to approve the grant. Though the service manager made a point of stressing me out more on that 3rd appointment.

Then, lately I have come to see that my older daughters Dad’s side of the family are not who I thought they were and they do not support me, like I thought they did. And it now seems, they are the driving force behind CYFS(child, youth and family) ‘serious concerns’. And I said to the CYFS social worker, there are things that you do not know about that family, which should really be of concern to you. But she did not seem to care or want to know. It feels like, CYFS pay a lot of attention to what my old daughters grandfather has to say, as he has history with CYFS. As all of his children are adopted and 2 of them are CYFS kids, who were taken off their mother’s due to CYFS. And also, one of them has had all 3 of her children taken off her by CYFS.

It is becoming apparent that my older daughters granddad is trying to find things to use as evidence against me, in support of his plight to keep her in Wellington. It feels like, he thinks just because someone suffers from mental illness, this therefore makes them an unfit parent. He suggested I had not given her lunch the other weekend. Which is untrue. He just misunderstood my daughter. She said she had breakfast at lunch time and by that she meant, she had breakfast cereal for lunch. Honestly, he treats me like I’m a bloody child!

I am also feeling, that both her carer and her granddad are pushing their ideals and values on her. Which is unfair, as she is my child and if anyone is raising her for a period of time, that is not me, then they should be raising her with my ideals and values and not their own.

It seems like, from both of them, there is a lot of emphasis on the importance of money. And that it seems to be more important to them, for her to be with whoever has more money, which therefore means more opportunities. And even CYFS seems to support this way of thinking. I mean for goodness sake, the CYFS social worker even suggested it could be best for my mental health for her to just see me in the holidays!

I was like, you have got to be kidding me! How would it be in any way, shape or form good for my mental health to not have my daughter living with me?! Not to mention the effect on her and her siblings.

I am an extremely intelligent person, with a great personality and I know I have a lot of positive things to contribute to the world. And I was brought up in a low income household and I have never really had a lot of money and look how well I turned out as a person. I mean, just because I suffer from mental illness, it does not make me any less of a person or any less valuable!

I am really quite worried, due to all the facts that have come to light lately, that once I leave Wellington and am away from my older daughter so significantly. This time may be used by her Dad’s family, to manipulate her into thinking what is best for her, is not to live with me. It is already apparent they have done a damn good job of brainwashing her as to how adult life should be! Which is, you find a boyfriend, you are both very well educated, you earn a lot of money, you then save a lot of money, buy a house and then have children. And that, Mum is poor and that Mum has done things the wrong way. That you have less opportunities because Mum is poor. Her Dad has said to her “you don’t live with Mummy because she is lazy and doesn’t work”. OMG!

She has said to me, that she does not want to live with Daddy, as he is very angry and she wants him to fix his anger, as it scares her.

Would you like to know some other interesting things about her Dad’s side of the family. Which is why I would not want her living with any of them?…

Well, her Aunty, when my daughter was only 2 and was staying with her Dad’s family up in Waiheke. She left her strapped into the pram for 2 hours screaming.

Her Dad, tried to commit suicide 4 years ago and nearly suicided, due to flashbacks from his childhood with his adopted parents(my older daughters grandparents). Some of the things that happened to her Dad as a child with them, were the following. He was made to lick an egg off the floor because he dropped it, he was made to collect the firewood naked because he misbehaved and he was held under the bath water til he lost consciousness by his adopted mother(who passed away in 2007 I think).

Also, I was behind her granddad when he picked her up a few weeks ago and he made dangerous lane changes and was driving 20km/ph over the speed limit!

So, as you can tell, these people are clearly not appropriate people to even try to bring her up.

I do not want to use these facts against them. But if they do try and prevent me from having her back, I will use these facts. I just would prefer not to let things get that nasty and I would like to at least have the next FGC(family group conference) review and see if things can go my way.

I will be honest. I do have a lot of anger at the moment. I have anger about it coming to light the truth about my older daughters Dad’s family and how they are the driving force behind all these ‘serious concerns’. I am angry that my midwife did not do her job properly and was negligent, leading to a traumatic labour and all the negative side effects that came of that. I am angry that the previous CMH team I was under, did not look out for my mental health and that they were part of the reason why CYFS felt the need to screw with my life so royally. I am angry that it has been about 9 months since my ‘major depressive episode’ and I have still had ZERO therapy. I am angry about how this CYFS involvement and all they have forced us to do, has made us struggle so much financially that we have now accumulated a whole lot of debt. And I am angry, that CYFS can come along and mess with a families life in such a huge way and that there is no therapy for any of the family involved and effected by their decisions. And it is especially upsetting that they do not seem to care about how it effects any of my family, especially my 2 younger children. And, I am angry that, no matter how many times we seem to finally have some improvements, that something always seems to come along to knock us down, over and over.

I know I have not done anything to deserve all this. I am simply just so over how much shit we have had to deal with.

While I am looking forward to moving to Nelson, which we now have a date for, which is Monday 30th June. And the fact I will be in the same city as my family. I am very nervous about leaving and being so far away from my older daughter. I have been struggling A LOT with this and often become quite upset about the idea of leaving her. Though I know, moving to Nelson and getting settled there is a good thing. I just so hope things go our way and she can come and live with us from mid-December. I am just so fearful that her Dad’s family will do all they can to try and prevent this and I worry, what if they succeed. I worry that they might find a way to make her think living in Wellington is what is best for her. I so hope I am wrong.

When she is here with us on the weekends, it feels so normal and natural and my mood is always lifted by having her here. And everyone feels happier. And when she is not here, I do feel more down and my younger daughters behaviour goes downhill and it effects her greatly.

I just want my family back together. I want things to be how they should be. But even better. As due to all this, I have most definitely learnt from this experience and I have become a much more involved and better parent due to all this. I just wish the agencies that have the final say would acknowledge this.

Oh crap! It’s just past midnight! I better go to bed. Thanks for reading 🙂