Tag Archive: hormones


Yes, my title does have undertones of sarcasm in it, if you were wondering.

So it has been 9 days since my last significant post. Apart from the one earlier today about Postpartum Anxiety.

A few things have been happening since 9 days ago. The Gateway Assessment for my 2 younger kids was mostly ok. Though they 2 people doing the assessment did mention that they felt my 4 year old may be delayed. Not significantly, but still, she is not where she is expected to be in certain areas. They would like to do a baseline assessment on her. Which is around hearing and eye sight.

Last weekend, my fiance tried to make me feel stupid at the supermarket, due to something that was actually not my fault, it was the checkout operators mistake. And my 4 year old was being difficult, as while I’d been out that day, my fiance had let her play on the PS3(playstation 3) the whole time. And once we all got out of the house, she was all hypo and misbehaving. We were trying to leave the mall, but she wouldn’t get off the electronic rides there. My fiance decided to walk off and be of no help, leaving me there to deal with her. And due to the fact I have been experiencing a lot of stresses in my life lately and I was experiencing PMS, I could only handle so much stress, before I ended up just sitting on a seat having a quiet cry. This made me feel really unsupported, him leaving me there to deal with my 4 year old. And then my insensitive and overreacting fiance said “well you’re clearly not coping if you have a breakdown at the mall”. Hmm, I would hardly call having a little cry, because I felt stressed and unsupported, not coping. I would call that, being hormonal, having a lot of stresses in life and having emotions. I mean I had dealt pretty well with it all I felt. As, after my fiance embarrassed me at the supermarket and was being a bit of a dick to me, I did feel like kicking a few things out of frustration. But decided that wouldn’t be a good idea, as it would draw negative attention to me, would scare my child and might result in getting in trouble with the mall security. Not to mention, it’s kind of acting like a child and having a public tantrum.

Then as we were driving home, I said to my fiance, that I felt it was his fault that she was behaving that way and said to him, has he not learned from this whole situation of having involvement with CYFS(child, youth & family). As we are supposed to take on-board their observations and concerns and change our behaviour and parenting as a result. As that is something I have whole heartedly done. I have taken away exactly what I was supposed to from this experience and become a better and more involved parent as a result. And he responded by yelling at me and saying “I’m the only one here supporting you! And you repay me by insulting me!” and then punched the dashboard a few times. Which I, with having violent relationships in the past, felt very intimidated and scared by.

Eventually once he calmed down he talked to me. And he told me something interesting about his parents and why they appear to not like me so much. He said it’s because I am opinionated, confident and intelligent and they prefer people who are push overs, who they can control and who don’t challenge their ideas. As they think they know it all and are always right.

Regarding our intention to move to Nelson at some point. I do get annoyed with the fact that his parents always talk like they expect we will leave here long term. Which is not the reality. But my fiance doesn’t do much to tell them otherwise. And I find many people involved with us, think it’s all my idea, not a joint decision. When in fact it is a joint decision. But my fiance doesn’t tend to speak up much, which doesn’t help.

The latest stress I have had is receiving several letters from IRD(inland revenue department) saying I am expected to pay child support for my oldest daughter and they have already given me a bill for this month and are expecting me to pay $73 a month. Which I found a real slap in the face. As my oldest daughter not living with me is a temporary thing, not a permanent thing and I already feel punished enough in so many other ways, for becoming so unwell with my mental health last August. And, not to mention the fact I have brought her up for the past 10 years and we are struggling so much financially, that it is impossible to contribute anything. I feel they should be seeking child support from her father. As he doesn’t have my expenses and 2 young kids at home. And neither my fiance or myself are working. So I have sent a Notice of objection to the IRD regarding that.

I am also finding it hard, that she spends more of her weekends with her Dad’s parents or her Dad, then she does with me. As I am supposed to see her weekly and that is not often happening. And it has a bigger effect on my family, not seeing her very often. Especially with regards to her younger sister.

So, we managed to have sorted things a little to improve our financial situation. I have finally convinced my fiance to change internet and phone provider. Though it took our phone being disconnected for him to agree. And we now have a debt of nearly $500 to Telecom. We found out the company who my fiance has the loan with, has a clause for financial hardship, so we applied for that help and were approved mid this week. So that means no payments needed for a couple of months.

We went to WINZ(work and income) to apply for help with the Telecom bill, but they will only pay the phone portion of it and we applied for assistance for buying a car seat and they declined that too.

The frustrating thing is, it all gets left up to me organizing the majority of this stuff. And relationships involve 2 people, so I get annoyed at how much of this is put on me.

The FGC(family group conference) review is in a few days. On Monday 31st March. So the CYFS social worker came over yesterday afternoon to discuss the upcoming review with us. I think she got a bit of a shock from all that I had to say. And was stuck at times for an appropriate answer to my many questions. I made her explain all their concerns and expressed that I felt frustrated that so little of the focus is on how I can get back to having more of the day to day care of my children and how the younger 2 being in childcare makes it extremely difficult to prove my capabilities and the lack of visits to observe me with my child, by them, makes it hard for them to see how I have improved and how capable I am. Eventually she softened her approach and agreed that I can have more opportunities to be with my younger 2 unsupervised. I also brought up, that it doesn’t help, me not being able to actually do things with my baby by myself and that we as Mother and Son, miss out on a lot of opportunities due to these restrictions put on me by CYFS. I also talked to her about how I felt the original FGC did not go by the exact protocol that it is supposed to and that I am quite sure there were some breaches of how FGC’s are supposed to be run, on that occasion. She had some trouble explaining her way out of that one. My approach and attitude and confidence has changed a lot from the original FGC, which likely came as a shock to her. As when the original FGC happened, I was still struggling and felt quite defeated and wasn’t as prepared as I would like to have been. Plus, I do agree, it was the right decision at that time the plan that was formulated. I just felt quite disrespected in the fact that CYFS still seemed to view me as too mentally unwell, even after the fact and all my improvements. And it really sucks how hard it is to get your role back due to all of this process. I said to her, it is actually a trauma in itself, my role been taken so significantly and that it has not helped the bonding process with my baby, how much of my role was taken away. I felt, I could have had started developing my bond with him sooner, if part of the original FGC plan, had something in there to support this and some tasks for me that helped me regain my bond with him. Rather then the only task being “get therapy when offered”.

I had week 5, or the 6 weeks of DBT Resiliency ‘Distress Tolerance’ course, this Wednesday. Next week will be the last one. I shared some pretty personal stuff about what I go through when I am quite distressed, which wasn’t easy, but at least I was real about it and myself. I talked about a distressing situation and having feelings of rage and wanting to self-harm. As the subject for the homework was to give examples of pro’s and con’s to either not tolerating or tolerating distress in a situation. So my view was, not tolerating the distress, would have meant the consequences could have been, me self-harming and therefore having a scar to remind me, acting on the feelings of rage, would have meant, potentially getting in trouble with the law, drawing negative attention to myself, scaring my children and those are definite con’s. And there are of course no pro’s to not tolerating distress, nor are there any con’s to tolerating distress. The pro’s of tolerating distress were, not harming myself, therefore not having a scar to remind me, not scaring my children or getting in trouble with the law. The last week is on ‘Radical Acceptance’. Which I already practice. All these tools are drawn from DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy).

The quetiapine has been helping with sleep, so that’s good.

I’m pretty sure that all I wanted to post about today. Thanks for reading.

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For me, PMS and mental illness are not a good combination. And I don’t know if there is any way around this, being I am a female and haven’t experienced menopause.

I do know this. Every month, in the 7-10 days before getting my period, my hormones go nuts. And this is not a good thing. Especially being that my mental health is still not good. It goes and makes an already not so stable and not so mentally well me, even worse.

It makes me more easily angered, more intense with whatever mood it is I am experiencing at any given time, more easily stressed and overwhelmed, more depressed and more mentally unwell. And it makes my fuse(patience) very short.

I really hate it! And there’s really not a thing I can do about it.

As I’ve already accepted I can never be on any hormonal contraception, because of how hormones effect my mental health. And let’s just say, it’s not good! Thus, being why I will being getting my tubes tied asap. Also, I don’t want any more children. And unfortunately, due to my weird body, any other contraception option that is reliable, my body doesn’t agree with. Oh except condoms, which I am making sure we ALWAYS use!

Regarding PMS and it’s effect on me. It also messes with my diet and weight loss. So I have to try and remember this every month, before I start experiencing PMS or I end up undoing all my good work diet wise and usually end up putting on weight I’ve lost, due to an overwhelming desire to eat crap(junk food) during this time. And the bloating doesn’t help either.

I am kind enough to myself though, to allow myself a little treat during this time. And I make sure it’s dark chocolate, with a high percentage of cocoa(70%). As that type, is not only healthier for you and high in antioxidants, but due to it being of a higher percentage of cocoa, it sorts those cravings out, is more healthy and you don’t need to eat as much to satisfy the craving. It’s just pretty much your body craving a sugar hit, because of the blood loss you get during your period I believe. And the thing with ordinary chocolate is, you have to eat more of it to satisfy this craving and it’s unhealthier. And also it spikes your blood sugars levels fast, but they drop more rapidly soon after. Thus being why you feel the need to eat more. And that fast release and rapid blood sugar drop is not healthy.

Hmm…kind of went off on a huge tangent about chocolate… But hey, it was relevant and related to the subject at hand.

You might have worked out by now, possibly, that I currently have my period. This being why this is relevant and fresh in my mind. Sorry if it’s kind of over-sharing. But I thought it was worth mentioning and posting about, in case other women go through the same thing. Which I am sure other women likely do.

Today I have behaved with my diet and kept within my calorie goal. So I am happy with myself about that. As I’ve only just started using the food diary again on MFP(myfitnesspal.com). And usually this time of month, I stuff up diet wise. So good on me for not misbehaving today. But I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy, as it’s not. And giving in to the junk can happen so fast and then the excuses come in, like “I’ll start eating healthy after my period” or “I’ll just have a few naughty things and behave tomorrow and/or the rest of the week” or “I’ve been good mostly, so it’s ok to eat what a want briefly”. The problem with these excuses are, they are just avoiding change and putting off the chance to work towards your goal and tomorrow never comes and there’s never a ‘right’ time. So, instead I choose every time I open the cupboard or fridge, to grab the healthy food and if there’s nothing in there that interests me, I’m probably just in there out of boredom, so I go find something to distract myself.

I have to go to the GP in the morning. So hopefully I remember all the things I am seeing him or her about. As I usually forgot some of the important things on my list.

That’s all for today. Should probably get to bed.

14th March 2013

No significance to that date. I’m just not big on ideas for a title LOL!

I’m doing ok. Though today feeling a bit low and no motivation.

It gets like that when I’ve not managed to socialize for a bit. But it’s fine, as I know I will get to hang out with at least 1 friend next week.

Next week I have the odd few things happening. Monday 18th, have a midwife appointment. Yay! Always enjoy them, as my midwife is awesome and I love getting to hearing babies heartbeat. Tuesday 19th is my birthday, I’ll be 34. Also have an appointment with the lady at Community Mental Health. Wednesday 20th, Marmite is back! And well, I and many others are damn happy about that! And 21st I have my 20 week scan and FINALLY will get to find out whether I am having a boy or girl! So impatiently waiting for that!

So, it seems Community Mental Health have decided to step up and not just try and fob me off and medicate me. As that was their initial plan. But being I’m pregnant and prone to getting quite sick with medication, they have decided against that. And instead are just going to work with me on helping to find strategies to cope with my lows. Which is good.

Feeling better about pregnancy. I’m now 19 weeks. And usually feel movements from baby a few times a day. Which definitely helps with things.

Knowing I am able to access some support from the mental health sector is making me feel more hopeful about coping once baby is here.

Community Mental Health did make a referral to CYFS(child, youth & family) as a result of me telling them a month or so back, that I felt overwhelmed and smacked my toddler on the leg a couple of times. Yes I did think a referral over that was a bit over the top. But I understand their reasons. Reasons being, I was not coping and they wanted me to get any help and support early, so it doesn’t escalate. Which is fair enough.

Like I have explained to them and CYFS when they visited. The getting to that point of not coping, was a result and lacking proper sleep, being sick regularly and not keeping food down. All this amounting to, low energy and lacking good nutrition and causing me to not cope, as I was on edge, due to being so unwell. I also told them, I did say sorry to my toddler and explain to her, that’s it’s not a nice thing Mummy did and Mummy shouldn’t have done that and I was very sorry I had hurt her and upset her. As soon as I had done it, I went from the angry feelings, to instantly balling my eyes out and feeling like utter crap. As I don’t want to be that person and I don’t like that I was not coping and I smacked her.

I am glad the law got put in place about smacking being illegal. As it discourages you from feeling the desire to do that and think before you act. Well it does for me. Knowing there is a law that says it’s not ok, makes me feel on occasion when I have smacked, that it is not ok and not something I should be doing.

These days, with all the hormones and emotions, I tend to go from anger to crying uncontrollably. Which is better then smacking either of my children I figure.

I remember the CYFS person asking me, do I feel isolated. To which I answered yes, though I try my best to get out there and not isolate myself, but also, I can’t control if my friends are unavailable.

It’s hard, as I try my best not to isolate myself and I practice self-care as much as possible, in hopes of avoiding depressive periods too often. But I can’t control other people and the fact they are not always available. So when this happens, it is hard and sometimes as a result, yeah, I do feel less motivated and do somewhat isolate myself. Like this week, I wanted to go a few places yesterday, but was sick of leaving the house without a friend or another adult with me. So I just stayed home nearly all day and only went out once to the supermarket and the warehouse.

These pregnancy emotions…they make me so emotional! I was reading someone’s post about their PND and was nearly crying. 1. Because I hate that they are feeling that way. 2. Because I so get how they feel and it sucks others have to feel like that too.

And writing about my emotions nearly brings me to tears too. As do nice gestures. Like someone offering me some free maternity clothes or to take me to the movies.

I guess I’m kind of not used to people doing kind things for me. I’m used to being the giver, not the receiver.

Oh man, now I’m nearly crying again.

I’m trying not feel bothered too much about everything expanding. I guess the fact I weigh only 1kg more then I did at the start of my pregnancy with my youngest, is something to be happy about. It’s just hard to look in the mirror and see the fat on my thighs and butt and my arms getting bigger. I can accept the bigger belly. It’s just hard dealing with the changes pregnancy cause. And knowing I have to lose all that weight again. But I know it can be done at least. As I did lose it all eventually the last time. Just took 18 months.

One cute thing with this baby, is it likes jelly. Which suits me, as so do I. Loves to wiggle around when I’m eating jelly.

Oh and here is a picture on my baby bump, from last week. It’s at 18 weeks.

18 weeks

2013

Yes, it is a New Year. To be fair, it has been a New Year for about 2 wks now.

I’ve not been blogging for awhile. Due to the nastiness they call morning sickness. From about 5wks til 9wks it’s was at it’s worst. Vomiting every single day, several times a day, except 1 day. It seemed to improve at 9 wks and I was like, yay, it’s getting better. But the last week, it’s been a problem again. Especially the last few days.

I had a scan at 6wks and all was good. Baby had a heartbeat of 120bpm. I have another scan at the end of this week. Which I am looking forward to. It’s just reassuring seeing baby and knowing all is fine. As, obviously at this stage, all I have to show for it, is a rounder belly, food aversion, nausea and sometimes vomiting. And to other people, they’ll still be thinking, is she a little chubby or pregnant?

It’s definitely easier to feel excited and more positive about being pregnant when I am not ill. The being ill takes it’s toll and some days I spend a bit of time in tears. Usually also very irritable due to lack of nutrients.

So, my mental health, I think is ok. It does get low when I am isolated and has got low at times in the last few months. More so last week. As I had only seen 2 friends since I found out I was pregnant. One I saw about 8 wks ago and the other about 6 wks ago. So I was feeling pretty lonely and down. And frustrated, as it’s school holidays, so the kids are both at home. And though I love my fiance, seeing your immediate family every day and no friends, does get old.

At points I was very behind with the housework and feeling very frustrated that my fiance was on holiday for 3 wks and he only helped once and he slept in every day and I never got to. That would annoy anyone non-pregnant. So it bugged me even more being pregnant and hormonal. Got so over the amount of time he spent on his computer. I did well though, only actually bitched about it once in 3 wks.

I was watching some good video’s clips on mental health, on the TED website. I’ll go see if I can find the links.

This one was quite good: http://www.ted.com/talks/ruby_wax_what_s_so_funny_about_mental_illness.html

As was this one: http://www.ted.com/talks/vikram_patel_mental_health_for_all_by_involving_all.html

And also this one: http://www.ted.com/talks/elyn_saks_seeing_mental_illness.html

There’s a lot of really good talks on there on all sorts of subjects.

I’ve found some of the posts on facebook on the mental health type groups quite helpful and inspiring and encouraging. There are some good one’s on The Nutter’s Club. Here’s there page: https://www.facebook.com/THENUTTERSCLUB?fref=ts

And a couple of others on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/pages/A-Helping-Hand-Living-with-Depression/172009349507581

https://www.facebook.com/Dailyinspirationandmotivation

Ok, enough links I think. I find them quite helpful anyway.

Right, feeling a bit tired. That will be all for today.

Oh forgot to add, my thyroid is now over-active, which is resulted in the being more sick. But on the plus side, only 2.5kgs gained at 10wks + 4 days pregnant is pretty good.

Oh and if anyone is interested, here’s pic of my expanding belly.

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Surprise!!!

Yes this certainly is a surprise!

To me, as well as others.

I’m pregnant.

Why is this a surprise. Well, because I was supposed to be getting my tubes tied last week. So this was not planned at all. But clearly this means I am now not getting my tubes tied.

I’ve not really had the energy to come blog since I found out. Which was a few weeks ago.

I’m currently 6wks + 4 days. And all is well with baby. As I had a scan last week and got to see what will resemble a baby more so in weeks to come. Looks more like a bean LOL! And it has a good heartbeat of 120bpm.

So I’m due next year, 8th August 2013.

This baby is making me rather ill though. I’ve had to get some pretty hard out anti-nausea medication to help. As I was being so sick, regularly and feeling pretty miserable. Ending up in tears several times a day. Simply due to being SO drained and feeling weak and really unwell.

With my 1st I only had nausea and no other crappy symptoms and with my 2nd I had nausea and vomiting, but not like this. It was bearable.

Yeah, as you can imagine I have had the good old swings of hormones and emotions. That’s always fun…

Today I have still been particularly unwell, even with taking the anti-nausea tablets.

Hopefully this won’t last all of the first 3 months. As I’d like to actually feel excited, instead of miserable.

The morning sickness and vomiting starting early, at 5 weeks.

I was in shock when I took the test and it was positive. As was my fiance. He tried to blame me, for him not using condoms. Hmm, ok…

He asked what I planned to do. To which I told him, that I’m not willing to screw up my life and mental health and risk losing the plot over something I will forever regret, so we’ll cope. The short story of that, is in reference to the fact that in my late 20’s, when I was single, I had an abortion and that messed up my mental health and has continued to plague me with guilt on and off for years and mental health problems. So yeah, I was not willing to go down that path ever again. The fact I ever went down the path is hard enough, as I was always anti-abortion and I am a Christian. Though, granted, not the best one.

I got suicidal back then. And when I was trying to conceive my youngest, I had to stop trying for a while, due to the guilt and shame and feeling like I didn’t deserve to have another baby, due to that choice back then. And I got pretty depressed back then too.

My reasons for having an abortion years ago were, my mental health, total lack of support, the fact I’d been drinking heavy and taking party pills and knowing my daughter(I only had 1 child back then), whom I was a solo Mum to, would lose out and not have a good time, due to me as her parent, losing the plot and not being able to cope with my situation.

Anyway, enough about that, it’s depressing.

My fiance is no longer in shock. Yay! And has accepted that we are having another baby. And seems to be happy about it.

Still feeling yuck today. So will try take it easy and do as little as possible.

This week

This week, I am most definitely over the school holidays. My threshold for dealing with both children is not very high. And when boredom sets in for my older girl, well that makes my days particularly unpleasant. I wish I knew why I find school holidays so stress-inducing. I mean for goodness sake, they are only 2 wks long! It’s not like the December ones, which are in my opinion, way too long.

I’m feeling quite down this week and I really have no idea why. But then again if I delve into the possibilities of why I’m sure I’ll find a reason. And I’m thinking some of it is lack of social contact, tiredness and hormones adjusting.

I am feeling sad that so far this week, no-one has attempted to contact me. I seem to be the one putting in the effort. And that tends to lack on my end when I’m feeling down. Though I have been trying.

Sometimes I think it’s me being slack with contact. But now I think about it, I think I slack off in response to no contact from friends. As it’s kind of de-motivating not having people contact you. And yeah, you do just give up on putting in too much effort. Though it’s not like this all the time, just this week it seems to have been the case.

I get that people have their own lives and get busy sometimes. It’s just, too much time alone and out of touch with others and I isolate.

Wish there was someone available to hang out with. I’m sure there is, but I’m too over everything to put in the effort. And I’m sure that doesn’t help any.

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I just was not coping for some reason. My toddler just won’t listen to me when it comes to being nice to the kittens and I end up yelling and stressed out. And as a response I went around kicking a few walls and doors. With the intention of putting holes in them. And yeah I seem to have put a decent dent in at least one. I know it’s not good to act on anger like that. But it kind of feels good. And I figure, at least I’m not taking it out of the kids or hurting them. It’s a release, even if it’s not positive.

Ok, so right now I am sitting here writing and bawling my little eyes out.

What’s frustrating is, I have reached out to my doctor regarding trying to find some anti-depressant that is suitable and nothing has happened. It’s been 2 wks! It’s not cool. I am friggen important too, as is my mental health and I can’t afford to go into the doctor and I don’t think it’s good for me to go on without something to help. As despite my good intentions and my self care, sometimes it’s not enough. That is why I am so angry/upset/annoyed/frustrated about it.

So I went to a meetup, one through the Anxiety Group(which is for people with mental health issues in general, not just anxiety) and though I talked a lot, I wasn’t really there so to speak. I was just talking because I feel anxious with silence and while, yes, I do like to talk to others and get to know them, some of the time, I’d just keep talking so there wasn’t an awkward silence. As I can’t handle the silence. It makes me feel a little less anxious(the talking), as being somewhere public that has so many people there, it does make me quite anxious. Not the people in the group I mean, the other people at the cafe.

I’m feeling very lonely today. So very lonely.

I really don’t know what to do with myself today. I’d like to get out of the house, but I don’t know where to go and it’s hard with the 2 kids. And being school holidays. As most places that are options are quite busy and crowded and I just can’t deal with busy or crowded places right now.

What I’d like most is some company. But I don’t think anyone is available. They all seem to be busy. Except one friend, who might not be, but I really don’t have the energy to drive for just over an hour to go see her or I would.

What’s been happening lately. Hmm, well I got the Jadelle out last week, so am now contraception free and hopefully that will improve several areas of my life. Such as, weight, moods, monthly cycle and my skin. That nearly didn’t happen though. Which would’ve kind of pushed me over the edge a tad. What annoyed me was, I decided to make an appointment at my doctor, so I didn’t have to wait 2-3 weeks for an appointment at FPA. So I was willing to accept the higher price by going to my doctor. As I was desperate to get it out. So when they rang me the day of my appointment and cancelled my appointment, I was about to just lose it. As I was just so over letdowns and I just could not handle another. I just pretty much said to the nurse, I’m so over being let down and disappointed and explained how I’d just recently been dealing with the muck up over the operation that wasn’t in fact happening and that if I wanted to wait another 2-3 weeks, I’d have gone to FPA and saved $30, but I was desperate to get the Jadelle out and explained all the side effects and eventually she had some compassion and found an emergency appointment for me. But while I was on hold, I will admit I was having a little cry. As at that point, my appointment was still cancelled with no hope of a sooner one.

I was just kind of very over so much in general. As my tooth had been causing me agony more regularly last week and then another tooth broke. Plus my iron was too low, due to having my monthly twice in 2 weeks, not to mention 2 bouts of PMS. So I was really, really over shit. Admittedly I did quite desperately want to self-harm at least twice, but thankfully I didn’t. Which I am proud of. As feeling so low and desperate is a place I do not like to be in.

Went to an Anxiety and other Mental Illnesses meet up last weekend. That was really good. I made a point of organizing it myself, as I’d not found one to go to for months and I was desperate to be around more like-minded people. So it was nice chatting away with everyone there and connecting.

Of late, I have really been making a point of speaking my mind about things. But in a totally positive way.

It’s school holidays at the moment. And if anyone follows my blog, they will know I don’t really enjoy this period. As I can usually cope the first week, but by the 2nd week, I’m kind of losing the plot. Though I do my best to make sure I get out and socialize or at least have people over to visit. As if I don’t, I’d kind of lose it I think. It’s harder these days to keep cool, as my toddler is very, very testing now, more so then usual. And that’s not a fun stage. And my older girl tends to get bored and ask for food continually. When will she work out the damn difference between boredom and hunger?! Grr! At least I have something to do some of the the mornings this week. Though not fun things really. Yesterday I had to go to dentist and get a quote. So that’ll be $755 I have to go ask Winz for. Today I have an appointment with my Psychologist, the last of my 6 free sessions. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Winz to apply for help with dentist bill. Here’s hoping my toddler behaves and that the appointment is as fast as possible. As it’s never a fun process going to Winz with her. As she just won’t stay put. And on Thursday there in the Annual October Buggy Walk, which should be fun. Hopefully someone will go with me. As it’s kind of lame by yourself. On Saturday I have a 1 year old birthday to go to. So it’s just a matter of filling in the afternoons.

I actually like not having too much structure in my weeks. As it leaves me free to have a life. As I find some people have expectations that, because I have a toddler, I should be going to all these things… but these things, they all cost money. Plus, I like to avoid anywhere that has potential cliques. As I hate them with a vengeance and as a Mum, you see a lot of cliques. Don’t have time for that crap. I find it highly immature and what’s so laughable about it, is the age of these cliquey Mums. Let’s just say, they are old enough to know better. Usually in the 20’s or mid-30’s or even 40’s. It’s like, shit, we’re back in high school! That’s why it’s laughable. As I’m 33 and I will never be in a clique or be in the slightest bit cliquey. I am proud to say I’m a quality person like that and I am proud that I would never stoop to that. But I guess, I never have, even in high school. I was the type to be hassled by the cliquey types. Why can’t we all just get along?! In an ideal world we world. Status, income, popularity and all that other crap wouldn’t matter. But oh well, there are clearly some screwed up people out there, who weren’t taught to treat others as they wish to be treated. Who build themselves up by tearing others down. Who see differences as a negative, instead of something to embrace. Oh I feel so sorry for those sad individuals. How fun it must be to be them…not! I am very proud, that despite what shit I may have been through in my life, I still have remained relatively the same, morals wise and ideals wise.

On a totally different subject. Damn my cats kittens are cute!

Do you ever just feel really bored with your life? Like it’s the same shit different day? I must admit I do a lot. Especially on the weekends and in the evening. Find myself at a loss as to what to do. Everything just gets so boring. I’ll just be sitting there going, what to do, what to do. Part of the problem might be my fianc√©. He seems to not get that maybe I am a bit over looking after the kids all week and that eventually that wears you down and you need to get out of the house. He’s too busy thinking poor me about being left home with the kids and how he works so hard and deserves a break. Yeah sure, he works hard and deserves a break. But so do I! It’s like, what I do, doesn’t seem significant to him and it’s like my duty as the Mum is SO easy. I often stay around home just to keep him from having a sulk. And yeah, sometimes when I leave the house, I don’t come back for hours. Which often isn’t my intention, to be out for that long, but sometimes time flys. And it sux to be out somewhere, not being able to relax properly, cause you know he’s sulking. It’s not my fault he has no social life! It’s not my responsibility! If you want to have a social life, you need to put yourself in positions to meet new people. That’s what I did. I had to. If I didn’t I’d have lost the plot long ago and be much worse off mental health wise. I had to make new friends and put in the effort to maintain my friendships for my sanity. And recently, it became evident how little he thinks I do. He was having a whinge at me for cleaning up a little in the morning, instead of helping out with Annabelle(our toddler) and was going on about how I never help in the morning and I was like, what?! I helped the day before. And then he’s going on about, well how do I know you do anything for her during the day? I was like, are you serious?! Clearly I do, she is feed, nappy changed, happy. And he’s like, well how do I know if you don’t tell me? I’m like, well you don’t come home to a starving child with a nappy that’s never been changed now do you?! I was like seriously, you really don’t get how much I do! And the day before, he was telling me I was being a bad Mum to my older daughter because I couldn’t go make her dinner. Which was because I had major stomach pain and was tired as hell and he was like, stop lying to get out of things. I friggen wasn’t! I think it was him just being a jerk because I was upset he’d not made her some dinner before or after her school production, as I didn’t have time. So he turned it on me instead. Those couple of things is why I went a bit downhill mood wise last week. And over the weekend he was driving me to near insanity with his moaning and whinging and bitching while doing his online gaming. So wanted to go turn the power off! He just doesn’t get how annoying it is to listen to that crap for hours!

I rang the Mental Health Crisis Line last week, due to how desperate and in despair I had been feeling and had a good chat and they told me to ask my doctor to call them and arrange with a Psychiatrist there to have a phone consult and find some options for me anti-depressant wise. But I have heard nothing from my doctor, so don’t know if that has been actioned yet. I kind of get over asking for something to happen, time after time and still not getting any results. I have mentioned this 2 other times since to other doctors to try hurry it up. But it seems to just keep getting forgotten. Shit! Shouldn’t my mental health be important! I thought it should be high on the to do list.

Have lost a little bit of weight since getting the Jadelle out. About 1.4 kgs I think. Have been behaving on with my diet. And when I say diet, I’m not on a diet. It just means the way in which I am eating. As in, healthy diet and not eating crap.

I guess I’d better go, as I have my appointment in 35 minutes.

For those of you who go on PND thread on OB, you’d have read this. But for those who haven’t, I just copied and pasted what I wrote on there.

I find depression comes in waves. And it can be, calm, calm, calm and then the storm. That rocks you and then eventually it’s becomes calm again. But it’s hard to ride through the storms.

I think a big problem with PND, is we get lost in life, the day to day and trying to manage everything. And we really, really need time, either just alone or with a good friend, but only a good friend who really get’s it.

I just find sometimes, when it’s all feeling a bit much, I just want to be alone and maybe as I’m calming down, but still fragile, I need to be around a good friend. As DP’s/DF’s/DH’s are great and all, but they don’t have the same connection as good friends. And that’s ok. It’s ok if they are you ‘best friend’ and lover in life and it’s ok that they can’t be everything to us all of the time. They do plenty as our partner in life, but I think, they can’t be it all. That is why we have friends and need friends. My friends are invaluable. I would be lost without them.

Also, though your relationship maybe awesome with the man in your life, that doesn’t necessarily mean everything else sound be perfect of fall into place, even if that area lacks nothing. As it really is hard, when you either become a 1st time parent or 2nd or 3rd and have to manage either, just you, your relationship and a new baby or you, your relationship, other children and yourself.

We get really stretched with all those things we have to manage. Then thrown in there can be, financial stress, un-settled baby, feeling out of our depth, lack of sleep/disrupted sleep, traumatic birth or simply one that didn’t going according to ‘the plan’, managing and maintaining the household and losing who ‘we’ are in all this.

I feel this big shift of things, can cause us to have a major identity crisis and get so lost amongst it all.

We asking things like:

Who am I in all this?
Where do I fit in all of this?
Who am I now, really, after being a mother and a lover?
Where is the meaning in life?
What about me?
Do I even matter? Do I even factor?
Am I invisible? …as it sure as hell can feel like that sometimes!
Why is no-one acknowledging me and all I do?
Am I just a failure?

And maybe you catch yourself thinking. Surely I must be some kind of failure, as all these others women I see are managing, coping, calm and it all seems so effortless with them. I must be a failure. I ‘should’ be happy.

‘Should’ is a very punishing word. It makes you feel like a failure if you think, speak in ‘should’s’ often. It’s like the lady who took the PND support group I went to said, “the word ‘should’, is like someone standing there cracking the whip at you”.

Simply, sometimes the day to day running of the household, simply is too much for us, in our periods of PND. Even the simple tasks are a chore and an effort. And if you try and force yourself to keep the household running perfectly and as you expect it should be run, you can just dig yourself into a hole and put too many expectations on yourself and when you’re not really at a place where you are coping, this makes things worse, as it causes more stress. I did, literally as advised, leave the dishes and the housework, as it’ll still be there later and there are at least ‘some’ supportive and helpful people in our lives who will help us out with those things. As, I am important, you are important. You do need to come first! But with PND and the big shift it many areas of your life, everyone else comes first and we come last and there lies the problem. Not surprising if you look at it like that, that we do get depressed.

Medication does help a lot of people, not all, but most people. Sometimes it’s just all you need to get the wheels in motion and once things are in motion and much more balanced, then you really must, work on getting to the core of the problem. Because, it’s never as simple and as straight forward as, having a baby and chemicals and hormones getting imbalanced. Medication alone, is never enough. I can testify to that. Counseling to me, in my life was vital and a huge factor in getting to where I am today. And I still have a fair way to go, but I’m on the way forward.

Diet for me, does help, as does exercise, as does knowing I am supported and have support. Having friends who really, really ‘get’ me helps, so, so very much!

Having a helpful, supportive man in your life is great. Though I’ll admit, sometimes I don’t really appreciate him like I should and I do bitch and moan at him a bit and go off at him in times of stress.

I know those of you who have unhelpful men, must have it a whole heap harder. And I’m so proud of you for being strong and sticking around and living through this crap, even if it is that you are barely holding on. Fact is, that you are holding on and you are still here, so you are strong. Same goes for those of you who do have great men in your life, but still have this struggle. You are all awesome and strong and I love knowing you all and I love sharing with you all and supporting you all.

I’m rather pissed off

Why? Because someone who I consider to be important and whom I should be important too, or so I thought, totally forgot about my birthday! Because this someone seems to be way too self-involved to realize that other people exist and forgets about important things, like someone’s birthday. I mean my birthday was pretty crap as I got no pressies. I understand my partner couldn’t afford one and that’s fine, as he does plenty for me, so that’s ok. But it sux that no-one else bothers. But that’s getting older I guess. Birthdays just become less important.

This person whom I’m pissed off at, wants me to do something for them soon and I don’t feel like they deserve my help, but I’ll help, because I’m nice like that.

Ok enough about that now.

Missed out on going to my counsellor today, which rather pissed me off. As the lady who looks after Annabelle when I go, seemed to think she wasn’t needed, so booked in to look after someone else’s baby. Though I told her last week, if I don’t call you, then I still need you to come and I will call you, if you’re not needed. So yeah, that annoyed me, as I could have really have done with some counselling this week.

I’ve been quite tired and moody the last week. I think it’s partly spotting/bleeding due to the Jadelle implant and partly the initial amount of hormonal changes at the start of having the Jadelle. Hate lacking in energy so much, it makes me super irritable and not fun to be around. And sometimes when I’m down, I turn into a hermit and want to avoid people, which isn’t so healthy. Was feeling really grumpy today. I think having the ladies screw up regarding the childcare made me pretty moody. And I guess partly I’m still pissed off at someone forgetting my birthday and still not remembering. And I feel quite shaky today, like my nerves are going nuts. I needed to have a sleep this morning by 10am. I was feeling real icky and sick and not with it mentally and kinda spaced out.

Picking up Zumba dvds tomorrow, yay! I’m looking forward to having a fun time with that.

That’s all from me today.