Tag Archive: distraction

Oh my gosh, stress!

Ok. So I updated with IRD(inland revenue department) and WINZ(work and income) last week, that my oldest daughter has not been living with my since the FGC(family group conference). And updates have been made and adjustments have been made to our entitlements. And we have lost $90 per week of entitlements. And due to the stupid choice of spending $195 to try bolt to Nelson last week, we were in -$135 this week. So we had no money for food or petrol. So I had to go to WINZ today and apply for a food grant. I had to explain to the receptionist where the money had gone and why and she was really rude to me and gave me the 3rd degree. But once she had heard my whole story, she wasn’t so rude and said “has the GP checked your hormones and maybe you have some PND(postnatal depression). And that is pretty shocking CMH(community mental health) has not given you any counselling yet”. I said “yes my hormones have been checked and yes, I do have PND, among the list of other things, like severe depression, anxiety and panic disorder and aspects of BPD(borderline personality disorder) And being I was at reception, all the people waiting behind me heard my history too. Thankfully I don’t care what others think. And once I was seen by a case manager there, I had to explain to him about all this as well.

On the plus side, a lady there complimented me on my lovely pink hair colour, as did the case manager. So that’s a plus to a not so great week so far.

Anyway, a food grant was approved, which is great. So we have groceries this week. And the Bluebridge ferry boss agreed to give a refund for the $195. As I explained all the circumstances. Though because it’s a week we pay our loan, even once that refund goes in, we still wouldn’t have had any money for food or petrol.

I did a budget last night, taking into consideration all our bills and we are left with only about $78 for food and petrol per week and that is nowhere near enough. So yeah, this reality is weighing on my mind now.

WINZ suggest my fiance going back to work. Which doesn’t necessarily mean we would be better off. As then we would have to pay for childcare and you only get a subsidy on some of that price, not the full amount, so you are still paying out of your own pocket. And when my fiance was working and we were getting our entitlements from IRD and WINZ for having 3 kids at home, we were struggling.

So yeah, feeling quite anxious and stressed about all this and I don’t know what to do or what can be done.

I know everything is effecting me mentally, as I find myself less focused when driving and my attention is not there like it should be and I’ve nearly pulled out in front of oncoming traffic so many times in the last week, as I just haven’t been paying enough attention and this really concerns me. And I’m clearly so preoccupied with things going on and I didn’t realize til nearly 1pm today, that I hadn’t even eaten yet today. And that’s definitely not good. I had only had a coffee in the morning and that was it. Because I was so preoccupied with the fact I had to go to WINZ and apply for a food grant and had the concerns and worries in the back of my mind about our bad financial position. And I didn’t hear my alarm this morning and missed my appointment with the GP and only woke up 5 minutes after my appointment. And due to how busy that medical centre is, I couldn’t get another appointment til this Friday.

Anyway, I am really tired. Not surprising, with all that’s going on and going around in my head. It’s pretty draining mentally. So I will head to bed now.


So far, the one technique I can find for at least some of the day, to keep myself from being overwhelmed by my over-active brain and it’s ability to get me into panic mode, is distraction.

In the last few days I’ve been doing jigsaws online or on my tablet. As it keeps me distracted while I’m focusing on it and it’s free and not messy, like an actual jigsaw.

So pretty much, I try and keep myself distracted by something, to keep my boredom and thoughts in check. As, if I’m reading, watching tv, a movie, doing a puzzle or doing housework, then I can just focus on that. Though at night, I hate the time before I fall asleep, as that’s when I have no distractions and my thoughts can start driving my nuts. I love sleep, as that is the one place I can go to get a total break from my illness and thoughts.

When I’m not distracted enough, I go between, feeling ok, to wanting to run, to feeling like a failure, feelings of guilt, panic and anxiety.

I feel like shit about the fact my fiancé had to resign so he could take over the role of looking after our baby. I stress about how things will be financially due to this. I worry about whether we will be able to afford food, petrol and be able to keep bills paid. I feel like my fiancé and baby deserve better then me and like they’d be better off if I left. I feel like I’ve screwed up my finance’s life. And feel like, things would be better for everyone if I left and just had my 2 girls with me. I just feel like, it’s such a big ask, being in a relationship with me, when I am really unwell mentally and that my family deserve better.

I get distressed when my fiancé is feeling frustrated by our baby.

I tried to interact with my baby on the weekend. I managed about 1/2 an hour maybe before he got whingy and I felt distressed. So I had to walk away and let my fiancé take care of him.

I look forward to any chance to leave the house, even if that means taking my toddler out with me. But that is only when I don’t have my baby with me. I can kind of handle going out, if it’s all of us. As I know my fiancé is there to take care of our baby. But I get very anxious and panicked if the baby starts to whinge or gets unsettled.

I’m trying to be soft on myself and just accept these feelings aren’t what I am expected to feel as a Mum to a young baby and this is my reality and this is how I am feeling at present. It’s so hard not to judge myself and beat myself up about these feelings.

It’s so hard the range of emotions I feel in each day. As my emotions are so all over the place and it sucks!

It’s good at least knowing, every fortnight I can go to the casual PND group and talk and vent.

People often thank me for my honesty and being so open about my not so pleasant experiences and feelings. And compliment me on reaching out and asking for help. Which is a positive. But it’s so hard going through what I have gone through and go through much of the time. But I figure, why pretend all is ok, when it really is not?… As, if I am authentic and real about all this, then others who experience similar will feel some relief, knowing they are not alone with regards to such thoughts and so on. And maybe that might give them the strength to reach out as well. And even if they can’t manage that, they can at least know they are not abnormal and they are not alone.

Just one last thing before I finish this post. I am finding the song ‘The Monster’ by Eminem ft Rihanna, quite good and I kind of relate to some of the lyrics. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDXXi19_7iE

Thanks for reading. That’s all for today.