Tag Archive: disrupted sleep

So bored!!!

So here I am, stuck at home.  As the car is on empty.  i’ve put a message on fb, hoping someone will take me up on the offer to come visit.  if not, well, I will be bored as hell!

But, today I feel good and my mood is good.  The weekend just been on the other hand.  I was in a foul mood!  Mainly due to disrupted sleep.  As Annabelle seems to be waking a few hours after going to bed for the night, around 12:30am or 1am or 2am.  So being I’ve been the one getting up to her, that’s been seriously disrupting my sleep.  And if it’s not her, it’s Max(the cat), meowing and scratching at the door.  Grr to him!  But I love him, despite him waking me.  But yeah, not getting a decent, undisrupted sleep is really not good, for anyone.  So yup, been a moody bitch this weekend passed.

Braiden and I have had a couple of arguments.  Which makes me quite upset.  First time, he’d had 1 9% RTD and kicked Sophie off my computer, due it it making his precious game lag.  So I told her he was sulking.  He then went nuts at me, telling me I spend all his money and when I told him it’s not acceptable talking to me like that, he says, “why don’t you just leave then”.  I just told him to stop being such a prick and stop being so disrespectful.  He calmed down eventually.  As I just stopped talking and went and kept myself busy.  And then yesterday, I got in a mood, due to hitting my ankle with the vacuum cleaner and then started going off at Braiden for not helping with the housework ever.  Then off course, he’s like “go do my job then!” and I’m like, “no!  You need to appreciate all that I do, do at home and you never do!” and he’s like, “you only do housework on the weekend”, which is not true, I do it everyday!  And I kept saying, “no, I do it everyday!” and he kept saying “no you don’t!”.  So that went back and forth for a few mins and then he lost it.  Hit his computer table a few times, threw something and kicked a bucket and slammed the door and went upstairs.  Eventually he fell asleep and cooled down.  But I did say, all I want is some appreciation and it’s important that I am on some occasions acknowledged, as Annabelle needs to see her dad, being kind to her mum or she’ll not know, for when she’s an adult, what a decent man looks like.  As he is her role model in that area.   All that stuff, about him being a role model and such and showing and expressing affection, was told to him by the relationship counsellor.  So I was expressing my frustration, at it seemingly going in one ear and out the other, when I was telling him all this.  And I do know all that stuff to be very true.  As my dad died when I was 2 yrs old and therefore, I had no male role model, to show me how I should be treated or to protect me and to tell me I’m worthy and help my self esteem.  So I did end up making many bad choices, relationship wise, was rather promiscuous, due to looking for any kind of male affection or acceptance.  And my self esteem and confidence was really low growing up.  I’ve only become more confident in the last few years.  I did apologise to him for doing my nut at him, like I did.  As he had just looked after the kids for 2 hrs, while I slept in.  Sorry I told him, it was not fair for me to not acknowledge that firstly.  So hopefully he’s over that crap from yesterday.  I did tell him, that my mood does get pretty shocking when I’m tired and haven’t had a good nights sleep.

For those of you who go on PND thread on OB, you’d have read this. But for those who haven’t, I just copied and pasted what I wrote on there.

I find depression comes in waves. And it can be, calm, calm, calm and then the storm. That rocks you and then eventually it’s becomes calm again. But it’s hard to ride through the storms.

I think a big problem with PND, is we get lost in life, the day to day and trying to manage everything. And we really, really need time, either just alone or with a good friend, but only a good friend who really get’s it.

I just find sometimes, when it’s all feeling a bit much, I just want to be alone and maybe as I’m calming down, but still fragile, I need to be around a good friend. As DP’s/DF’s/DH’s are great and all, but they don’t have the same connection as good friends. And that’s ok. It’s ok if they are you ‘best friend’ and lover in life and it’s ok that they can’t be everything to us all of the time. They do plenty as our partner in life, but I think, they can’t be it all. That is why we have friends and need friends. My friends are invaluable. I would be lost without them.

Also, though your relationship maybe awesome with the man in your life, that doesn’t necessarily mean everything else sound be perfect of fall into place, even if that area lacks nothing. As it really is hard, when you either become a 1st time parent or 2nd or 3rd and have to manage either, just you, your relationship and a new baby or you, your relationship, other children and yourself.

We get really stretched with all those things we have to manage. Then thrown in there can be, financial stress, un-settled baby, feeling out of our depth, lack of sleep/disrupted sleep, traumatic birth or simply one that didn’t going according to ‘the plan’, managing and maintaining the household and losing who ‘we’ are in all this.

I feel this big shift of things, can cause us to have a major identity crisis and get so lost amongst it all.

We asking things like:

Who am I in all this?
Where do I fit in all of this?
Who am I now, really, after being a mother and a lover?
Where is the meaning in life?
What about me?
Do I even matter? Do I even factor?
Am I invisible? …as it sure as hell can feel like that sometimes!
Why is no-one acknowledging me and all I do?
Am I just a failure?

And maybe you catch yourself thinking. Surely I must be some kind of failure, as all these others women I see are managing, coping, calm and it all seems so effortless with them. I must be a failure. I ‘should’ be happy.

‘Should’ is a very punishing word. It makes you feel like a failure if you think, speak in ‘should’s’ often. It’s like the lady who took the PND support group I went to said, “the word ‘should’, is like someone standing there cracking the whip at you”.

Simply, sometimes the day to day running of the household, simply is too much for us, in our periods of PND. Even the simple tasks are a chore and an effort. And if you try and force yourself to keep the household running perfectly and as you expect it should be run, you can just dig yourself into a hole and put too many expectations on yourself and when you’re not really at a place where you are coping, this makes things worse, as it causes more stress. I did, literally as advised, leave the dishes and the housework, as it’ll still be there later and there are at least ‘some’ supportive and helpful people in our lives who will help us out with those things. As, I am important, you are important. You do need to come first! But with PND and the big shift it many areas of your life, everyone else comes first and we come last and there lies the problem. Not surprising if you look at it like that, that we do get depressed.

Medication does help a lot of people, not all, but most people. Sometimes it’s just all you need to get the wheels in motion and once things are in motion and much more balanced, then you really must, work on getting to the core of the problem. Because, it’s never as simple and as straight forward as, having a baby and chemicals and hormones getting imbalanced. Medication alone, is never enough. I can testify to that. Counseling to me, in my life was vital and a huge factor in getting to where I am today. And I still have a fair way to go, but I’m on the way forward.

Diet for me, does help, as does exercise, as does knowing I am supported and have support. Having friends who really, really ‘get’ me helps, so, so very much!

Having a helpful, supportive man in your life is great. Though I’ll admit, sometimes I don’t really appreciate him like I should and I do bitch and moan at him a bit and go off at him in times of stress.

I know those of you who have unhelpful men, must have it a whole heap harder. And I’m so proud of you for being strong and sticking around and living through this crap, even if it is that you are barely holding on. Fact is, that you are holding on and you are still here, so you are strong. Same goes for those of you who do have great men in your life, but still have this struggle. You are all awesome and strong and I love knowing you all and I love sharing with you all and supporting you all.