Tag Archive: Dermatillomania

Sorry for the language. That’s just how I am feeling right now.

OMG! I just got handed a whole lot of stress in the last 24 hours

Amongst my thinking, thinking, thinking at night, when I should be trying to sleep, at just after 1am, after cleaning the bathroom til nearly 1am. I came to the realization at nearly 2am that I paid 1 weeks rent that I didn’t need to, so I need to get that back tomorrow! As we are meant to be moving on Tuesday and we need that money to pay the moving company. So on the plus side to my not sleeping and thinking obsessively, I have realized this stuff up.

I have been stressed out as hell, anxious, panicked and often in despair a lot this week and wanting to run away. Guess that’s only natural considering the stress of last year, the recent family group conference and the moving VERY soon.

I had been keeping so much in emotionally and not letting on to anyone really that I was not coping so well mentally. I’ve ended up in streams of tears and despair several times this week and agitated, panicking, anxious, overwhelmed, stressed and picking quite badly and obsessively. And some time in the last week or so, I self-harmed and engraved the word ‘help’ on my wrist, to the point of bleeding. I also feel like the picking is partly stress and anxiety and partly self-harm.

Then I wake up this morning with a huge headache and receive a text from the new landlord telling me WINZ has not put the bond or rent advance in their account! And I saw WINZ and had that approved over 2 weeks ago. So WINZ have clearly made a HUGE stuff up. As even with the holiday period, that money should have been in there by now, as we have received our benefit payments each week from them, so clearly their payment system works.

So right now I am in a HUGE panic



I know I really should be trying to sleep. But I’m having an issue with very lucid dreams. Which makes me partly not want to sleep. But I know sleep is vital, so I shouldn’t avoid it.

I’m finding it really horrible and scary, how my dreams feel real and like they are actually reality, when in fact they are not. Apparently this can be an side effect with sleep medication. But unfortunately now is not the time to try wean off it. As with all the stress of moving house in just under 3 days, I need my sleep.

I was feeling extremely overwhelmed when I came upstairs to go to bed about an hour ago. I was a mess emotionally. Panicked, anxious as hell, distressed, nauseous and my heart was going mental. I was also experiencing vertigo, hyper vigilance and hyper arousal/alertness and it felt like the bed was moving and the sounds of the house, due to the wind making it creek, made me on edge and convinced there was going to be a big earthquake. That would be what they term ‘catastraphizing’. Where you feel a sense of imminent danger and/or impending doom. I hate my minds ability to go to that place.

Pretty much, I’ve been holding a lot in emotionally and trying to keep it together and remain strong and just get through this period of the upcoming move. But I am finding the closer the move of house date gets, the more anxious, overwhelmed, stressed and panicked I get.

It did not help that last night my fiancé was not coping well with the fact that our baby woke when he shouldn’t have. My fiancé was frustrated and swearing and expressing this frustration and annoyance and the baby clearly picked up on that and was crying very urgently and in a distressed manner. Which I couldn’t cope with, so I went and cuddled him until my fiancé had got him a bottle. It was really distressing seeing my fiancé like that and it’s effect on my baby.

Unfortunately, as seems to be the case with my mental health and interactions and bond with my baby, the more I am exposed to any upset of my baby, the more I seem to get distressed and go from having a bond and warm feeling, to feeling distressed and stressed and wanting to get as far away from him as possible.

With all this stress, I have been feeling so desperate and wanting to runaway and leave my fiancé and baby behind and my home and sometimes even wanting to run and leave my whole family. I am finding these feelings incredibly distressing.

Part of me keeping stuff in, is partly as a result of the Cyfs(child youth & family) family group conference last month. Knowing information was shared about me, which I considered confidential. Such as things said by me to my psychiatrist and community mental health team.

It has caused me to feel I can’t truly express and talk about things anymore. As I am paranoid now about it being used against me potentially in the future.

Because the Cyfs social worker expressed that I was guaranteed to relapse again with my mental health, I’ve tried to keep it together and hold everything in to try and prove her wrong. As my pride gets in the way and I don’t want there to be any possibility of her being right. But I am feeling myself go downhill.

Ok, so not surprising I guess, as a result of the stress of moving and all that has happened since August. But I just hate my mental health declining, especially because it had been improving.

I just need to try and take things slow.

I am just feeling a bit concerned because of how the closer the moving date gets, the worse I get mentally.

I at least did one good thing for myself though. I called the mental health crisis line and talked to them about how I have been feeling.

My dermatillomania(as referred to and explained in a previous post) got pretty bad earlier too, when I came upstairs. I was picking more rapidly and pulling out loose bits of hair and peeling dry skin on my nose and feeling agitated, anxious and stressed and was rocking back and forth while doing so.

Ok, better go to bed, it’s nearly 1am!


Big, strange word to many I suspect. But I have discovered, as a result of sharing my problem with skin picking quite obsessively, as a result of increased stress and/or anxiety. That what I do is quite common and then I found out there is a name for it. Which is ‘Dermatillomania’

If you have no idea what this is, here’s a link to Wikipedia, which describes it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dermatillomania

Reading it, I was just like, OMG! That is exactly what I do! And there’s a sense of relief, even with such a damaging disorder, that there’s a name for it and it’s not that uncommon. It seems to be about 15% of people who suffer from this and mostly women. But men suffer from it too.

Because I have been quite stressed and anxious lately, I have been picking, picking, picking and my poor skin, it looks terrible! I feel so self-conscious when I wear anything short sleeved, as it’s most noticeable on my arms. So in the heat of summer I often wear a jacket and end up rather overheated at times, trying to hide this evidence.

The areas I tend to pick at, are anywhere there are spots or imperfections or dry skin. Generally my arms, chest, face and scalp. I do also sometimes, somewhat obsessively pull out hair, but only the loose bits, not from the follicle.

It’s particularly bad if I’m doing it at night, in bed. As I will feel some dry skin or what feels like a spot and I’ll keep picking at it. And being I can’t see what I’m doing, I often go a bit overboard and then see the results in the morning.

I’m pretty sure I will have many scars because of this. As, when things scab over, I don’t give them enough time to heal and pick the scab off. Yeah, pretty gross. But it seems to be quite an obsessive and sometimes uncontrollable urge. So, this is how it goes, the less stressed and anxious I am, the more controlled I can be and the more stressed and anxious I am, I just can’t stop myself and do this picking countless times a day. Also, the less busy I am, the more I do it.

I often do it so bad that it bleeds and therefore I have to have numerous band aids over my wounds.

I’d kind of tend to categorize at as self-harm as well.

So, there you go. Just one of my many faults. But hey, at least I’m not the only person out there with this fault.

I’ve added some pictures to show the result.

Dermatillomania 001

Dermatillomania 003