Tag Archive: counselling


Well, I am very happy to report, it is going well.

I am feeling back to my old self again, finally! Well, in fact better then my old self. To be honest, I actually really appreciate that I had PND. Yes, I know that seems crazy, but I will explain.

I’m sure some of you may very well being thinking, “why would someone be happy to have had PND?!” Why, well because it has forced me to do a lot of exploring, growing and sorting out of so many areas of my life. If I’d not gotten PND, I would stayed the same as I always had, probably had bouts of depression and felt just blurgh on and off.

Because my PND was so abrupt and severe and just hit me for a six, I was forced to acknowledge it and start dealing with it a.s.a.p. Plus, I had a really awesome midwife who keeped a close eye on me and watched for the signs and go onto MMH really fast once PND had developed. There was no chance for me to try and hide it or put on a mask, or a brave face like so many do. I am a true Pisces and I wear my heart on my sleeve and I mostly have trouble hiding my emotions, when they are that intense. So yeah, this abrupt development of PND forced me to seek help earlier. I didn’t help things though by refusing to consider anti-d’s for 8 months of that hell called PND. And it took awhile to wake my ideas up and grow up and swallow my pride and do what I needed to get better. Joining a PND support group most definitely helped. As did taking in what I learnt in those groups and applying it. As well as starting anti-d’s and counselling and even the parenting course. The combination of all these things, helped me feel more in control of my life. As I was finally actively doing something to fix all the areas of my life that were causing my stress and/or distress.

Most importantly, I made sure I connected with many people, actively got into creating coffee groups and getting out there an being social. As a big thing for me and my mental wellness is being social, talking things out, sharing, seeing people, getting out of the house. And actually, sitting on my arse some of the time, on my computer, actually helped with that. As many new people I now have in my life, I’ve come to know through online parenting forums. As, I have tried to join PIN groups, succeeded and then they’ve just stopped. This has happened twice! So I definitely know it’s not me, it’s them! To clarify I mean, I am doing all I can to attend them, but it is others who lack in making it happen. I used to be very much, poor me and I used to take everything so personally. I used to care so much what others thought of me or how they reacted to me and those things defined how I felt about myself. Common problem among many women too I would think.

These days, I’ve decided, why don’t I just dye my hair pink and not care what you all think! HAHA! That’s kind of a piss take actually. But somewhat literal. As I have dyed at least some of my hair pink and I don’t care as much what others think. Strangely enough, my hair has a big affect on my confidence. So, when my hair looks dull and boring and un-maintained, I feel kind of crappy. And when it has a fresh colour or cut or is just a bit funky like it is now, I feel awesome!

The only area that still makes me feel a tad depressed is my body. I really hate the way it looks presently! But I AM working on it!

A HUGE shout out to my counsellor Jason Breenan at Thinkwell! (Don’t worry, he doesn’t read my blog) But he is awesome! The counselling I have done and continue to do with him, has had a huge affect on me and how I have grown and where I am now. He does his job very well! He really challenges me and my think and that is good. Though of course, at times I resist, but that’s human nature! As change is scary and having you long time thinking and ideas/ideals challenged is hard to take. But it needs to be done.

And well, the decision to come off anti-d’s, which I toyed with for at least a few months before deciding to stop taking them, that had a big bearing on where I am now. So those damn shitty side effects worked in my favor. I just got SO damn sick of the stupid side effects, I was forced to go, now how can I improve things, so I can enable myself to be able to cope without them.

So, why did I stop taking them abruptly? Well that’s just me! I am a very black or white person, with the occasional shape of grey in there, but mostly, very black or white in my thinking and decisions. So it’s pretty much, I’m on them or I’m not. No in betweens. That’s just my personality. Also, I am stubborn and I don’t like being told what to do, even though, it may have just been advice, that I have taken out of context…I do that a bit LOL! So, when I talked with my counsellor about stopping them and he agreed and said to chat to my doctor about it, I was like, ok, I’ll do that. The doctor pretty much listened to me, said “well those side effects are common, there’s nothing we can do about it. And no, I don’t want you to stop taking them at this time”. He wasn’t even open to trying a different anti-d! I did ask. Of course I was not impressed he was totally against the idea of coming off them. It’s like my crap side effects didn’t even matter! So eventually, after about another month, I decided, I wanted to stop taking them definitely. So there started my journey to change and to enable living without the anti-d’s.

At some point, I just got so over being overweight and not fitting anything and well, recently when my 1 pair of jeans that fit comfortably developed a hole in the inner thigh, I just got SO over my extra weight. It is damn depressing being this size and considered overweight! Especially because, for years I was a size 8 and at most 10. Even after having Sophie I got down to a 6! Not that I advise being a 6, that’s too tiny for me! And well, those damn magazines don’t help! Neither do all those slim mummies at Churton Park School! I’m just like, how?! How do they do it?! Cause I couldn’t.

So I decided, we’ve sorted the budget, so even if finances are tight, at least we know where we stand. I’m sorting my depression and issues and the further I go with that, the better I get all the time. Also, on the money side of things, getting babysitting worked helped, as finally I am able to earn some money for once! And then, due to my major hate of my body and limited wardrobe, I decided to change my diet.

I reckon it was destiny that I got bored last week and happened to just randomly look a the documentary section in the video store and find ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd. Oh yes and while I was at it, I hired out some ‘Anthony Robbins’ dvds too, have yet to watch those.

While I was watching ‘The New Glucose Revolution’ dvd, I had some of those ‘a ha’ moments or ‘lightbulb’ moments that Dr Phil and/or Oprah talk about. I was like, ‘oh, that makes so much sense!’

There are just SO many benefits to eating Low G.I! After watching that, I was like, how can I NOT change my eating?!

So, Anastasia and I have decided to try keep each other accountable and support each other on our diets and with our exercise and make a point of getting out and doing some exercise together regularly. Having someone else to do this with, the losing weight and exercise is a great motivation.

Hmm, I’m hoping I haven’t gone off on any or many tangents in this blog entry…

I ‘think’ I’ve explained what I’ve set out to.

Anyway, for those of you who are reading and supporting me, thanks so much! You are awesome for doing that for me!

And for those of you still struggling with PND or depression. There actually is a light at the end of the tunnel and things can and will get better! And most importantly, you are capable and you are strong! And, there is always hope, even if life seems hopeless and all hope seems lost.

Such a difference to how I used to think! I used to see, no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, just dread, fear, anxiety, misery and I thought, that was to be my life forever. How wrong I was! SO happy I could cry!

Ok, it’s nearing midnight…night all and thanks for reading!

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Well going to try a couple of new things.

Firstly, and yes, against my doctors advice…though I thought he was really being closed-minded anyway. I have decided to stop taking anti-depressants. They have too many negative side effects and I’m sick of not feeling, totally me. At first they were fine, but it seems the higher the dose and the longer I am on them, the more blunted I feel and I feel, like myself, but not totally, if that makes sense. I am sick of having no sex drive, as really, I am totally attracted to my partner, but I just don’t have any desire for sex, just the desire to actually have that desire! Also, they make me so, so nauseous! To the point were I nearly throw up every morning ūüė¶
The there is this weird feeling they give me, not sure if it’s vertigo or not. But often when I am sitting, I feel like either my body is shaking, or the earth is moving and same with when I am lying down, often I think there’s an earthquake and there’s not! Also, they seem to increase my anxiety somewhat, the higher the dose. Plus, when I am in rooms with fluorescent lighting, it is highly distracting and I can’t focus. The also make me really tired!

So, I am going to try the natural approach. Which is eating well, exercising, socializing and counselling. I really hope this works. I’d like to feel totally me again and in control as well.

The other area I have decided to make a change is my eating. Not a diet, just a change in the food I eat. Because, let’s face it, diet’s don’t work long term. They get the weight off, but it nearly always goes back on. So I am going to try eating the Low G.I way. As it’s said to be great for you and your energy and it’s not lacking anything essential. So I will start at some point today. I only say that, as I have Lindt Lindor chocolate, which I must finish, as it’s divine!

I am so thankful for my friends. The one’s I have online and offline. I am so thankful for my family and the supports I know have in place. Things are most definitely looking better, even if money is tight. And I am so happy, yet surprised to be able to say this. Because in the depths and despair of my PND, I saw no light at the end of the tunnel and no hope and only misery and unhappiness. I just felt like, that was my life from then on and it would never get better. So, though I may be predisposed to getting bouts of depression, I know, I can get through it.

The main thing that has been making me sad lately, is bad stuff going on in people’s lives, whom I care about deeply. I am quite empathetic(I think that’s the word) and I really feel for others through their hard times. So when things aren’t going well in their life and they are unhappy, I am saddened. But it’s a good way to be. But one thing I can guarantee is, I will never, ever be one of those insensitive people, who word things wrong, have no tact and tell people to harden up or snap out of it! That is one thing, I personally hated people doing to me. And I always live by ‘do unto others, as you would have them do unto you”. Also, you will never here me bitching and back-stabbing about people who share their emotions online. Where others usually say stuff like “I’m so sick of the whole, poor me attitude, I’m so sick of those status updates that are always moaning and negative”. Those are things I would never say or think. So if you are wondering where got such words from, go on ohbaby and look at either ‘the vent thread’ or ‘the cryptic thread’. So sick of some of the things that are said on there. There are some real bitches on there! Oh and I had to laugh, when I created a positive thread and was ripped apart for that and told “isn’t a thread where only one person posts called a blog”. To which I replied something like “correction, now you 2 have posted, it’s a total of 3 people posting and I’ve got a blog thank you and quite happy with it”.

LOVE & BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL!!!

…today

Today, I went to my counsellor. I might have 2 more sessions left if Compass Health will give me another 2 fully funded visits. I may apply for winz to help me, but I’m not sure yet if they help out with childcare costs, so I could attend counselling.

So, I had 2 re-assessments today, regarding my depression, one that is required by Compass Health and another which is just an assessment of the scale of depression. The first one, I’ve gone from 38 to 28, so that’s good and the other one, I’ve gone from 35(severe to moderate depression), to 32 (borderline to moderate depression) so slowly they are both going down.

I really enjoy having something just for me. So I’m thankful I have been able to get some counselling. I hope to get some more. I need to work on a few areas some more. I’d like to be confident, less worrisome, less anxious, more content and I’d love to not care so much what others think.

It was a good visit. Though I found myself feeling a little down later on, afterwards. I guess I just have my low moments sometimes.

It’d be nice to say I’m over this depression, but I’m not, yet. But hopefully I will be some time soon or at least some time this year.

don’t have much to say

But I haven’t posted for a little bit, so I thought I would.

Sophie has some good days and some really naughty days. ¬†But my memory is such a blur, if you asked me why she is grounded, which usually is for a damn good reason, I can’t remember why. ¬†All I do know, is she can be very rude and¬†defiant.

I wish my memory wasn’t such a blur.

Counselling is going well. ¬†I think I have about 3 or 4 sessions left. ¬†Not sure if I’ll need more right now. ¬†But they are helping.

Braiden was being a dick last night, as I’d gone and visited me friend, with Sophie and left him at home with Annabelle. ¬†He was texting me while I was there, once I texted, due to him not texting yet. ¬†Which was fine. ¬†But then he’s like, ‘when are you coming home?’ and getting annoyed I’d been away for so long and even got Annabelle on the phone, when he rung me, saying “mum, mum, mum” and using this to try guilt trip me into coming home. ¬†Eventually he sent a few pissed off texts and then refused to reply to me, or answer the home phone or his mobile and was still sulking when I got home for like nearly an hour and wasn’t talking to anyone who tried to talk to him, not even our friend, her son or anyone, except Annabelle.

So I was rather upset by him doing this. ¬†I tried to talk to him, said my piece and then just said “fuck it, I don’t need this shit!” and went upstairs. ¬†Had a cry, felt like utter crap and decided to take either 5 or 6 anti-depressants. ¬†I’d had my 1 1/2 for the day in the morning, 15mgs, so in total yesterday, I’d had about 65mgs or so. ¬†And I didn’t care about the consequences at the time. ¬†Thankfully though, all it did was make me feel a little spaced out and then rather calm and at ease. ¬†Thank goodness I didn’t take 10 tablets, like I was considering. ¬†I also really wanted to self harm, but was too tired to get off my arse and do anything about it.

I’m ok today, just been really tired all day.

I’d like some more genuine friends in real life. ¬†I like though, the support I have online from others with PND, that really helps.

I really enjoying seeing other people aye. ¬†But this coming week, I’m ok with having a day or two with nothing on. ¬†As I’m so tired, I just want to rest and sleep.

today, has been a good day :-)

Finally, I can sit here and say, that today has been a good day!

I may have had the odd grumpy moment, but that hasn’t fazed me.

I get to see my parents tomorrow, who live in Australia. ¬†They’re in¬†Wellington for the day. ¬†I do really miss them. ¬†I am so glad to be seeing them tomorrow. ¬†I just wish it could’ve been for longer.

Went to my counsellor for the 2nd time today. ¬†That was really good. ¬†Didn’t feel as anxious this time. ¬†Felt a lot more at ease and comfortable. ¬†Talked over a good few things that are bothering me.

Finally I think I see a light at the end of this long, dark tunnel I’ve been trapped in for nearly a year! ¬†Hope is in sight. ¬†The way I’ve been feeling for nearly a year, I was starting to think I’d never get over this period of depression. ¬†That I was just permanently stuck with it and it would be my life from then on. ¬†It’s a pleasant, yet weird sensation feeling some joy and happiness. ¬†So not used to it.

I’m slightly clucky. ¬†But no, I’m not going to go about doing anything about that. ¬†I think it’s just due to some mums from my due date forum being¬†pregnant and having a few friends and family who are expecting. ¬†I’ll just borrow their babies once they arrive. ¬†That should keep the cluckiness at bay. ¬†And simply, the fear of doing it all again one day, is scary. ¬†Just due to this really bad PND that I have suffered for so long. ¬†I’m just so damn scared it would happen again and worse. ¬†But now I know what to do differently.

I think if we ever got our financial situation sorted, that too would lift a HUGE weight of our shoulders and that would help alleviate a lot of stress.

I sent my older sister an email last week, in response to the email she sent, which I posted on here. ¬†I thought I’d been quite honest, yet considerate with¬†my response, but it seems I hurt her feelings. ¬†So it appears I’m wrong about her being insensitive. ¬†Apparently she is sensitive too. ¬†I guess it’s just that it manifests differently in her, so I wouldn’t have¬†recognized¬†it. ¬†And gee, shit, who’d have known that something I could say would actually get to her so much. ¬†I wasn’t meaning to attack her, that was not my intention, yet she felt attacked. ¬†I just thought she was quite confident and sure of herself and didn’t think she could/would be effected by anything I said.

I am coping better with Sophie these days, even if she does still have some¬†misbehaviour and Annabelle is awesome, but cheeky! ¬†She knowingly does stuff while she knows she’s not supposed to and gets rather amused by that fact. ¬†She’s so cute! ¬†Such a darling little girl! ¬†So is Sophie. ¬†Sophie’s a little darling. ¬†And I’m really happy she has a new friend in our neighborhood. ¬†It’s good to see her enjoying another¬†child’s¬†company and vice¬†versa.

…..even if they do go about making her room look like a bomb site!

I have really been enjoying my new medicine. ¬†Which is laughter. ¬†It’s free and natural and awesome! ¬†I’ve been watching a bit of comedy lately and it’s been doing me a world of good, just relaxing and laughing out loud. ¬†I think I¬†should keep comedy/humour in my life. ¬†It’s so good for me.

Ok, it’s now 2 mins past midnight and I have to be up by 7:30am. ¬†So I best get to bed.

So, I went to the counsellor for the first time last week. ¬†It was good. ¬†Though I felt quite anxious, being all attention was directed at me. ¬†Which of course is a good thing, as it is about ME after all. ¬†I’m just not used to being the centre of attention, so I tend to feel a bit weird at first. ¬†I felt quite anxious walking to appointment. ¬†Not because of where I was going, just because it’s Wellington CBD and a very busy area and lots of well-dressed career people and I just felt self-conscious walking down there with my depressed look.

My counsellor I used to work with about 4 yrs ago.  So it was good I was able to get him again.  He does some CBT(cognative behavioural therapy) and TA(transactional analysis), which are both very good methods.  It was reassuring to be told the way I feel in many areas, is very common and normal.

I wish my appointment with MMH(maternal mental health) lady went better. ¬†I kind of feel like she gets annoyed or frustrated with me. ¬†Like she thinks a lot of my depression is my doing, due to not taking action and my attitude. ¬†I feel like she talks over me sometimes, to stop me from moaning or going on. ¬†And she’s yet another person telling me I should look at going back to work. ¬†I am very happy being a stay at ¬†home mum. ¬†I just wish certain people in my life could just accept that and be ok with that, as I am ok with it. ¬†MMH lady even appeared to be giving me shit for playing Sims 3. ¬†Suggesting it is rather addictive and it needs to be played at appropriate times, like when the kids are in bed and such. ¬†I was like, that is exactly when I play it. ¬†I don’t even bother trying to play it when my girls are up, as it just isn’t practical. ¬†MMH lady says I seem to blame everyone but myself for my problems and depression. ¬†Which I don’t! ¬†What is true, is I am very affected by others people’s opinions, approval, who are important to me. ¬†And I do give other people too much power in my life. ¬†But I don’t blame them for my depression! ¬†Anyway, sometimes the visits with MMH lady just don’t go well. ¬†I have been pissed off after the visits at least a couple of times.

Gosh, when will they ever make an anti-depressant that doesn’t make me majorly nauseous! ¬†I hate feel so nauseous so much of the day!

So I have been doing things to help myself.  I have managed to organize a coffee group for tomorrow, I have a counsellor, I join social groups, I exercise and I try get out of the house much more.

Some days lately I have actually been waking up happy and feeling happy more often. ¬†Though I still tend to have a good portion of down feeling time. ¬†Just not so much fun feeling low. ¬†Had a nice swim yesterday. ¬†Very refreshing. ¬†Oh I’ve been enjoying doing baking a couple of times last week. ¬†Gives a sense of achievement and pride when the baking turns out and others enjoy it. ¬†Though I must confess, I ate a fair few of the 12 muffins I baked on the weekend…maybe half ¬†:-0

I’m quite sure I came on here to post something specific, but I’m lost as to what it was. ¬†Silly wandering mind! ¬†Still sitting here in silence wondering what it was! ¬†Grr! ¬†Hate it when that happens!

I am planning on working on not caring so much what others think and letting others affect me so much.

Oh, I have been having this weird thing happening. ¬†I’m not sure if it is a side effect of my anti-depressants or not. ¬†I am assuming it is. ¬†I am often sitting still or lying down and I feel like there’s an earthquake and like what I’m sitting/lying on is shaking. ¬†Very weird! ¬†And sometimes I am just sitting quietly and I feel quite spaced out.

I find watching comedies quite good for me.  They do say laughter is the best medicine after all.

Right well that is all I have to share for now. ¬†Maybe one day I’ll remember the original thoughts I came on to share…I hope.