Category: borderline personality disorder


My life, my life is a mess right now.

I had the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review this Tuesday.  I did manage to remain calm and composed throughout it.  Though at times I really did want to bite back at some of the criticisms from my oldest daughters fathers side of the family.

I made the choice in the days prior to the meeting that it would be in my daughters best interests to allow her to move back to Wellington permanently.  As the issues between her and my husband were too big.  And I felt it would be very detrimental to her staying in the home environment with this in mind.

I hate that thing’s got so bad between them that I really did not have any other choice.

I am angry that my husband failed to improve enough.

He was pretty relieved with the outcome.  It seems that was what he wanted.  But I am unsure how loving his motive was.

I had the WAVES group on Tuesday evening as well.  Which is an 8 week group for people bereaved by the suicide of a loved one.  I felt anxious as hell throughout the 2 hour group and felt close to vomiting due to the high anxiety.

After the group finished I sat in my car for half an hour and bawled my eyes out.

On Friday afternoon after picking my oldest daughter up from school, her and my husband were arguing again. It stopped for a short while and then started again.  He ended up getting so enraged that he threatened to hit her.  I went off at him and as we were driving, he observed some of my driving behaviour that he considered purposely provoking and then started verbally abusing me.  I told him that crap was not okay and that you do not talk to your wife like that.  I also told him how I have my mental health to contend with and I am barely keeping that under control and that these tensions between him and my oldest daughter and this verbal abuse is really causing me to struggle so much more.  He ended up going off his nut and attempting to open his door and jump out of the moving vehicle in a 70km zone.  I yelled at him and told him don’t you dare do that!  As his children are in the car too and they do not need to be observing such an act and being potentially traumatized to witnessing such a thing and that he better stop and think about them.  As they do not need to be emotionally and mentally scarred by such a thing.

It was all too much for me.  I seriously wanted to kill myself for a brief moment and I also just wanted to go get a knife and cut my wrists.

Instead of acting on these impulses I instead decided I needed to get away from the home environment with my oldest daughter for a bit.  So we went to stay at my parents for the night.  And when I told my husband of these plans he seemed to think there was no reason for it.  He just likes to pretend like all that shit didn’t just happen and hope the problem goes away.

So we came back yesterday afternoon.  And at dinner time he was giving my oldest daughter an intimidating look, so I told him off and then he starts verbally abusing me again!  I brought up with him that he never apologizes for his outbursts and he said he doesn’t need to, because he is not in the wrong.  He just continues to blame it on her!

At this point I am feeling very hurt by him and his actions and in all honestly I do not know if I want to keep trying at this marriage.  As what I am getting from him is not support.  And I am seeing a side of him I really do not like.

While at my parents house on Saturday my oldest daughter asked if I would ever not suicide myself (that’s her language for commit suicide) and all I could say is I hope I won’t.  And my Mum asked me if I could promise not to do such a thing in the future and I honestly could not promise that.  Which in itself is very concerning.

My oldest daughter said last night when my husband was being agro, that when he gets angry she wants to suicide herself. And that statement is extremely concerning to me.

My oldest daughter does not move to Wellington until the 17th January 2016.  But I am worried about how the home environment is going to be until then.  As I feel like my husband is no longer trying to be accountable for his actions, no longer trying to be the adult and no longer caring about the consequences of his actions.  And I honestly can not take much more of all this.

I am already experiencing more anxiety then usual and persistent bouts of depression.

I feel like my limits mentally are pretty close to becoming exhausted.

So yeah, my life is a bit much for me presently and I am not enjoying what I am having to endure.

That is all for now.  Thankx for reading.

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Finally I have found some motivation to blog and put aside some time.

I am feeling a bit low today and a bit stressed. My WOF(warranty of fitness) has expired, went for a WOF and failed.  Car needs 2 tyres and I have no money.  Our other car has a WOF, but no registration or petrol. I don’t even know when I’ll be able to afford to get tyres. So I will be driving illegally until I can put registration and petrol in the other car.  And I have less than half a tank of petrol in my car.

I have a lot of wedding stuff on Trade Me, but not having any success selling even though I am not asking much for what I’m trying to sell.

I have been married for just over a month.  The wedding did go well and I managed to stay calm throughout the day.  And the cake was awesome.  I will add a photo of it.

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And here’s a photo of the Wedding Day.

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Again there is a CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review coming up. So I have that stress coming up.  They are again looking at possibility of sending my oldest daughter to Wellington.  So naturally that is making me feel quite worried and down.  But it is more about how my husband and her get on.  I really hope they allow us to at least go counselling with them both to help work through their issues together.  As if they allow that and then review again next year and it is still not working with them relating, then I can at least say we have try our very best and accept her living elsewhere.  But if they do not allow us to try that option and push to have her live elsewhere, I will find it really hard to accept.

It is really depressing still having this CYFS stuff dragging out.  It feels like we get so far and thing’s seem to be improving and then, bamn!  Here we go again.  It is so draining emotionallyand mentally and disheartening.

I am still also dealing with the loss of my close friend to suicide in March and  the grief that comes with that.  I often feel like it isn’t reality and think he is still alive, even though I know he is not.  I miss him so much and it really still hurts really badly.  A WAVES group, which is for people bereaved by the suicide of friend or family member, starts next week, which I will be going to. It is run by Primary Health Services I think it is called.  It runs for 6 weeks I think.  I found out about it through the SPINZ(suicide prevention nz) website.  So hopefully the group helps me process thing’s better.

I have been having a fair bit of anxiety at night and having some trouble falling asleep quite a lot.

I have been trying to encourage my oldest daughter to really consider choosing to stay living with us.   As she will be asked by the CYFS social worker where she would prefer.  I do feel being with her Mum and siblings is best for her long term and I strongly advocate for counselling between her and my husband.  I so hope we will get this result.  As I will be really distraught if I lose her.  I do know I have done my best as her Mum and that my parenting is good enough.  I want these battles to be over and my daughter with me long term.

This all has me feeling quite on edge emotionally and feeling fragile and worried.

My best friend is working nights, so I hardly ever see her which is hard.  As I really miss seeing her.

I am feeling pretty crap about my body.  I have not been eating healthy and I’ve been gaining weight.  I wish I could stop sabotaging my weight loss and I wish I would stop emotional eating.

I’m feeling quite anxious at the moment.

I’m sure these was more I wanted to blog about,  but can’t recall what.

Thankx for reading and following.

National suicide prevention information service | MHF Suicide Prevention – New Zealand.

Social Buzz | The Campaign to Change Direction.

For some reason, even though I probably only fell asleep around 2am, I woke up about 6:30am this morning and could not get back to sleep. Now, an hour later, I am sitting in the lounge feeling really tired.

The last couple of days have not been great for me. I have been feeling quite low. I think that is somewhat attributed to my Grandma’s health deteriorating more and more, especially over the last few weeks. I am glad however, that she made it to the new year.

Monday I felt really low and depressed and I had quite a hard time getting to sleep. As my older sister had told me later in the day that our Grandma had gone very downhill, was no longer talking and that 2 of our cousins from Australia were flying over that night, as she would likely not make it another day. Then yesterday morning at 7:24am, my Aunty called to tell me that she had passed away in the early hours of the morning(Tuesday), about 1:15am I think she said. So I think much of yesterday I was in shock and still processing the reality of what had happened. But once I received a text from my Aunty telling me that her funeral will be this Friday, the reality really sunk in.

You see this Grandma is very special to me. I have always had a close bond with her. She is my Fathers Mum. And I have had a bit of loss on that side of the family. As my Dad died when I was 1 1/2 years old, his Dad, who I also had a special bond with, died when I was 12 years old. And losing them was hard enough. Of course I knew no one can live forever, but I never wanted to accept the reality that someday my Grandma would pass away. She means so much to me and now she is gone.

But on the positive side, she had moved up to Tauranga at the end of last year, due to her health deteriorating, to live with her daughter(my Aunty). So at least at this end of her life she was not alone and was surrounded by family who love and cherish her. At that I take comfort in.

My Aunty told me she was not in distress or any pain when she passed away, so that’s good. And the message I had asked her to pass on the previous she had got and she responded by opening her eyes and smiling. It was just a simple, heartfelt message. Which was that I love her, I miss her and I am thinking of her.

I know life must go on without her. But I know that will not be easy and it is really going to hurt.

Losing family that are so special to you is never easy.

I do not know how I will cope with her funeral. I suspect I will likely be quite a mess emotionally.

Going by last night and this morning, I suspect I may encounter some trouble with getting to sleep and staying asleep.

Some part of me knew each time I was given news on my Grandma, that she really was not going to last much longer. And when I was told she would likely not make it another day, I knew that was the reality. On Monday night I made a point of praying for her more so then usual. I simply asked God that when she did pass, that she would be at peace, with no pain, not suffering and surrounded by family and I take comfort in knowing that prayer was answered.

I knew when my phone rung early yesterday morning, even before I had looked at it, that it was my Aunty and I knew what the news would be.

I am feeling the pain of her loss even more so today.

I found a lovely image about loss of a Grandma, so I will add it to my post.

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It is currently the 1st day of the New Year. It is 2015.

I did not realise I have not blogged since my oldest daughter moved back with us.

So the first day back, my oldest daughter was quite upset. As coming back to live with us full time was not what she had wanted outcome wise. And from what she has said to me, she has been given the impression that I was the only person who wanted her to come back to live with us. And that all the other people at the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC( family group conference) review last month did not want the same thing. So I had to explain to her, that they all had to agree to her coming back to live with us for that to happen. The first night was hard for her and she was quite upset and said some hurtful things. Such as, she wished her former carer was her real Mum and she wished she had been her baby, who came out of her tummy. That naturally really hurt. Once I had composed myself and become less upset, I talked to her and explained how she felt was quite normal considering everything and that if I were in her position, I would have likely felt the same way. That helped a lot. Naturally there have been ups and downs with this huge change in our family dynamics. But slowly we are getting things sorted.

I do find at some times my fiancé does not help things regarding how he bonds with my oldest daughter and I often need to remind him of how his tone or approach needs to change. Often he will take that the wrong way and he will try and suggest I am not disciplining her when he thinks I should or he just comes up with some defence. I remind him I am helping him do some actual parenting of her. He seems to think I am making him the enemy. When what I am doing is encouraging him to be a parent to her. There can not be this separation that used to exist in parenting my daughter. As she notices when he is putting it all on me and that can make her feel rejected and like our younger 2 children are more important to him. I do tend to find he can be all keen and persistent at first with these things and then things get hard or stressful and he reverts back to his past behaviour. It is extremely frustrating. I said to him tonight he needs to show her some empathy. As he does not show much, if any. And this is why he tends to think I am not disciplining her, because I can do both discipline and compassion. Gee, I am just ok with emotions and in touch with them, so that puts me in a better place to approach times when my daughter is feeling sensitive or emotional.

I have been reading a really good book lately. It is called ‘Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified’ by Robert O Friedel.

Gosh, I had the most nasty, vivid dream last night. It felt so damn real! It went basically like this, I had gone downhill big time for some reason and the mental health people from the Psych Ward in Nelson were coming to get me to take me to the ward. Weird! Damn vivid dreams! They really screw with me head.

Last week was a really hard week for me. I had run out of my antidepressants and had not had any for 2 days, I was under a whole bunch of stress, money wise big time and then I got bad news about my grandma and her health. So I was a huge mess emotionally. My distress tolerance was just not there. It just goes to show how fast I can go downhill and just how essential it is that I never miss my medication.

So now I am in PMS mode. So also not a great person to be around this week. Last week when I was without medication, I had bad road rage and I was not even driving! I was the passenger and this lady was tailgating us really dangerously. So I was facing her direction, giving her the middle finger and the punching gesture. Oh I was worked up! That is quite extreme even for me.

The last day or so, with good old PMS, I have naturally really not been in the mood for having my buttons pushed. I told my fiancé if he dares to shave our sons hair, I will punch him seriously, my fiancé I mean. As he did say today he was going to and I said “no way are you doing that!” So I gave him a haircut. So he had better not undermine me and try shaving his hair. As that would be the ultimate slap in the face. To be fair, my usual tolerance and filter kind of lacks when I have PMS. Anyway, enough about that.

Oh, that origami I mentioned in my last post. Well I did try it again and success!

We are still looking for a place. It was not looking so great for us recently, as most houses are through real estate agents and they rejected us due to our bad credit. So that meant looking through only private rentals. But we looked through a private rental this week, which looks perfect. So here’s hoping we have success with our application.

Right, getting tired. Better go. Thank you for reading 🙂

This song I think is an awesome song to inspire anyone struggling. To remind us we are someone special and we have something special and unique to offer the word. And that despite our current struggles, they will pass and it will get better.

I personally love this song and crank the volume right up whenever I hear it.

I just finished reading this.  And boy oh boy can I relate to most of what she wrote in here.

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/fiona-kennedy/mental-illness-and-parenting_b_5898578.html