It has been just over a month since I blogged last.  There have been ups and downs.

There was a point last month when I felt dangerously suicidal.  To the point that I had it thought out thoroughly in my head.  I was going to wander off and use the bait knife to cut my wrists.  The only reason I didn’t is because my new partner would have noticed me leave and would have followed.  So instead I did something that is quite unfamiliar, scary and new to me.  I actually allowed myself to cry and be vulnerable in front of him.  I know I can trust him in those circumstances and I know he genuinely cares and also gets such feelings, regarding the suicidal desires.  So he just sat with me and lay with me and hugged me and supported me.  He really is a gem.

I am totally transparent with him regarding the real me and all my faults and imperfections.  It is the best way to start a relationship I feel and even friendship.  As no-one gains anything from putting on an act.  And eventually any facade you present will drop and the real you will shine through.

How comforting and reassuring it is to have someone I can just be myself with and vice versa.  And knowing he has experienced his own depression, suicidal desires and anxiety, helps to make me feel okay about letting him know when I am having bad days.  I can also support him when he is struggling and we can both tell if either of us is struggling.  As we pick up on the silent cues others would likely miss.

Regarding his parents, I get on well with his Mum.  His Father I have yet to meet, so he is still forming his own judgments and ideas about me and my character and intentions. None of them correct.  But hey, there plenty of time to prove him wrong.

I had my younger 2 kid’s over for the day a few weeks back, around my new partner and they loved him and really enjoyed his company.  They only know him as Mummies Friend at this stage. My 6 year old daughter went home to her Dad raving about how awesome my new partner is and well, he did not take that well.  He is now refusing to let me see the children at all!  The only way he says that I can see them is if there is someone he knows and trusts there the whole time or someone from Barnardos.  And he may be the full time carer, but legally he has no right to keep me from seeing the kid’s.  He is letting his anger and bitterness cloud his judgment.

My ex is being very unreasonable about a lot of thing’s.  He has all the furniture and furnishings I bought last year and bedding and bed’s.  I was only able to leave with my oldest daughters king single bed and my drawers and clothes.  I do also have my printer, laminator and coffee machine(the cheaper one).  While he has the Lexus I bought so he had a car for when he went back to work, all the whiteware, beds, bedding, lounge suite, dining suite, TV, speaker system, home appliances, kitchen stuff, bikes, bathroom linen and other things.

I contacted him via text a few days ago to ask for just 2 duvet sets, 2 sheet sets and the newest duvet inner.  As he still has plenty of queen size bed linen from before I purchased those particular thing’s last year.  He was unwilling for me to come over and get them if he was going to be out at some point.  As I was trying to be considerate of the fact that he does not want to see me.  He absolutely shoot down that idea, saying I can not be trusted. Which is based in nothing.  I am trusting him with pretty much all my possessions except what I do have with me currently.  And I trust him to keep paying the power which is under my name.  And the internet, which is now disconnected and unable to be paid, resulting in my credit being screwed again.  He is only willing to give me 1 set of sheets, claiming that taking 2 sets would leave him with hardly any.  And he thinks it is only fair that he gets to keep 1 set, since they were the expensive 2 sets.  Ridiculous!  I know for a fact he has at least 3 or 4 sets.

He was not liking me asserting myself and my rights via the text message exchanges and made a point of telling me how much he hates me, insulting my intelligence and at some point telling me to “fuck off already”.

Anyway, enough about that.

My new partner and I have had our fair share of ups and downs in the last few weeks. On the positive side, we got offered the apartment we applied to rent.  Which is perfect, as it is fully furnished and in a great location.  Then we had to apply for the bond and rent advance and were declined, because my new partner needed to be added to my benefit for us to be able to apply for that.  So we got all the relevant paperwork for that.  Though we did have to change the moving date.  So we got another appointment with WINZ and got a few more things sorted, but still could not apply for the bond and rent advance yet.  Then our next appointment was not until the moving date, which was a stress, as things would not be processed until the day after, when the property manager is closed.  So again we had to change the move in date.  Then we went to our appointment and the case manager we got was not very friendly or helpful and was quite rude to us.  She made us both quite stressed out and anxious, not that she cared.  She said there was no way that my application for half of the bond and rent advance would be granted.  Though she was proven wrong when she inquired with someone higher up and my half was granted.  She then basically very rudely told us we were done and it was time to leave.  We were trying to establish what would happen about the other half, but she just gave us no answer and hurried us up.  So we left WINZ feeling really stressed, worried and anxious.  Freaking out, because we didn’t know what was happening and if we would even be able to move in on the date we had agreed upon.  Thankfully my new partner and I managed to talk to someone really good from the WINZ call centre, who was really helpful and polite.  He got all the process on the go and approved.  So, yay!  No more worries about the new place.

My Quetiapine is kicking in big time, so I must end my post here and hope it is spell checked well enough and making sense.

Ciao.  Thankx for reading.