It has been ages since I last posted. The whole not having internet at home has played a huge role in this.  And we also had to move.  So when we would go to the library to use the internet it was usually to look for rental properties.

So we have now moved house.  We are still in Nelson.  We moved from Stoke to Washington Valley which is in town.  It’s a really nice house.  4 bedrooms, not attached to any other houses and it is right next to a big reserve.  We really like it.

Something really bad happened recently.  My best friend who lives in Nelson committed suicide a week ago.  It is really hard to deal with to be honest and it hurts like hell.  It has effected me a lot and it is definitely impacting on my own mental health. But that is to be expected.  I have never had this kind of thing happen to me before.  And for it to be someone I was so close to and who I cared about deeply makes it SO hard to deal with.  I will often to think of him and telling him something or involving him in our life in some way and then I’ll remember he’s gone and hell that hurts!  And being in town now, I will often go places or walk past places I’d been with him and again it will hit me.  I have his funeral to go to tomorrow afternoon and I know that will not be easy.

Regarding my Grandma passing away in January, that still hurts also.  I do see that I do at times intentionally push back the reality that she is gone and I do not like acknowledging that she isn’t around anymore.  It just hurts so bad.

I now have the money for the tattoo I wanted to get in honour of my family member on my father’s side whom I have lost.  I just haven’t plucked up the courage to book anything in.  I also want to get something in honour of my best friend I have just lost also.

Man how I hate how much loss I have had in my life and especially more recently.

The hardest thing about my best friend dying is the fact that I could be completely real and transparent with him.  I could tell him my innermost thoughts.  And I knew that he understood, as he often experienced all the things I was describing.  And it is not that often you find someone who you can be that real with.  I always had the reassurance that he would never judge me and that he would always get me.

I am planning on getting married, maybe this year.  I was thinking July when my Mum would be over here.  But that seems too soon and that would probably cause me too much stress and I do not cope well with stress.  And also the Wedding Show isn’t until October.  So I thought it would be more sensible to attend that show and get a realistic idea of what needs to be organised for a wedding.  I do have the dress, shoes, jewellery, the garter and a cute little suit for my son who will be 2 in August. So at least I have a few important things sorted.

My oldest daughter has been being quite a madam lately.  She has been being quite disrespectful and rude.  This seems to be a theme with her every time she is getting close to going up to Wellington for a holiday.

My older sister currently hates me and wants nothing to do with me.  Which really sux, but there’s not much I can do.