It is getting harder. It is getting hard to keep the walls up and put on the front. The facade that I am really ok. When the reality is, I am not.

I am hurt, I am hurting, I am feeling more easily distressed, I am sad, I am anxious and I am worried. The FGC(family group conference) review date is getting closer. So I am making more of an effort to keep myself distracted and keep myself occupied. But at night, when I am tired and ready to sleep. That is when it hits me. Especially tonight. Tonight the walls are crumbling, the cracks are showing.

All this, all the less then ideal events and/or circumstances that have come to past since August lady year are starting to really crush me. They are making me feel broken and cracked.

It hurts! It just hurts so damn much! I hate this! I miss my daughter like crazy
and it tearing me apart! It is so cruel how I have been treated by CYFS(child, youth and family) I am NOT this terrible and inadequate parent that they have painted me as. I have never been and never was that! So it really fucking hurts so much! My poor family and especially my children. It is not fair on them. It is hurting us, not helping us.

And you know what else sucks?! I had an assessment with the clinical psychologist at the Nelson Community Mental Health and in that interview they make you pretty much have to sell yourself and your reasons for needing therapy and you have to justify it to them and give specific reasons why you need it. And then they take this assessment to their ‘team’ and come back with an answer. And this is the outcome. Yes we will offer you 3 sessions and we will be working on Emotional Regulation and you will have to do tasks/homework and if they do not think you are achieving these tasks, then they will stop at 3 sessions and you will only get the whole 6 sessions if they feel you are achieving said tasks. To me, that is kind of shit to be honest. As I honestly have a lot of things I need to work through and resolve and 3-6 sessions is not going to achieve that. So I am feeling quite upset about this. As I really do feel I need some quite thorough and in depth therapy to work through a lot of things. I feel this is what I need to have a decent chance at recovering significantly. And the time frame kind of sucks to be honest. As the therapy starts next week and the following week is the FGC review. So having the deadline of 3 sessions to prove myself as actively practising these brags new skills and/or strategies. I feel is somewhat unfair and ill judgement on their part, if they considered what is going on for me in these coming weeks.

I do not want to be all poor me about it. But I feel quite let down actually. I actually expected more out of this Nelson team. And I do feel they are not treating me in a holistic way or a case by case basis. As you really can not expect to help someone work through such intense issues within 3-6 sessions. Especially when the sessions are only concentrating on teaching a skill/technique and not on resolving and working through deeper issues.

Speaking of my walls. I actually have them built quite solidly and I only let them down when I am alone. I can not bring myself to being that vulnerable with anyone honestly. It is quite difficult for me and always has been.

I keep telling people I am ok considering. As I want to be ok and I want them to believe I am ok. I do not want to expose my cracks and fears. I am just trying to keep strong.

Truth is, I am shit scared if this upcoming review. I am really worried and I just wish I could hit pause on my life. So that date could stop moving closer and closer. It is freaking me the fuck out and provokes a sense of fear, anxiety and panic in me.

Things are a struggle at the moment. And no one really knows in my real life where I am truly at.

I should probably end this post here, as it is very late. By the way, thanks for reading 🙂