October. It is a month that has a few significant things going on.

Presently my oldest daughter is here for 10 days of the school holidays and she goes back to Wellington on the 7th. And as she will be in Wellington for her 11th birthday, we are celebrating it tomorrow, since she is here. So she turns 11 on the 20th and sadly she will not be here for that, which is hard and then on the 31st I have the CYFS(child, youth and family) FGC(family group conference) review and it is the big one. As it is the one that decides where she will be living long term. And naturally that fact has been playing on my mind a lot.

It does keep me awake at night, so I am having to take more Quetiapine.

What is concerning me and playing on my mind the most is, that I will not have anyone physically there with me who supports me and that is worrying me a lot.

As who will be there if it doesn’t go my way, to support me, comfort me and calm me down.

I was thinking tonight about how close the 7th and how my daughters time down here is going so fast. And I felt quite saddened by that. As I was aware that it will be the last time I see her before the FGC review. So it will be extra hard saying goodbye to her at the airport. But, her time here and gone really well, almost effortlessly. Though honestly, her and my 1 year old are the easier of my 3 kids. But it is reassuring looking at how well it has all been going. And she has even made a new friend her age. As my 4 year old has a best friend who has an older brother and he is my older daughters new friend. And if she does come down to live soon, he will be at the same intermediate.

Ok, I am really sleepy, as my 3 Quetiapine have kicked in. So I will need to finish this post tomorrow.

Right, had a good sleep. Back to finish my post.

Today went well. We had my daughters early birthday party and we had a few people over. The cake turned out really well. She liked her presents.

I had a friend in need of my support yesterday afternoon. He was having quite a severe panic attack, so needed a good friend with him. When I went and saw him, I saw how he was in quite a panicked state and remembered having that same feeling of panic and being that overwhelmed myself last year.

The friends I have either reconnected with or made here in Nelson are really great. Though I miss my 2 good friends in Wellington.

I have a really good social worker at Mental Health here, which is great. And the Nelson CYFS social worker I have been assigned is really lovely and her, as well as my Family Start worker both are happy with my parenting and have no concerns, which is great news.

I have requested my files from both Porirua and Lower Hutt Community Mental Health. So hopefully I receive then before the FGC review.

My medical certificate for WINZ(work and income) says I have Emotional Dysfunction and BPD(borderline personality disorder) So it will be interesting to see what all my files say.

I love how normal and pleasant it feels to have all my kids here. Even my dreams seem to normalise. So it is hard when my older daughter goes back to Wellington.

I recently got my lip pierced on the right of my mouth. I find the long barbel or whatever it’s called, rather annoying. But it apparently has to be longer to allow for swelling, which I haven’t had a lot of. I’m hoping to put a small ring in once I’m allowed to change it. I figure it will be more snug and avoid issues with eating and such. I also changed my hair colour. It is a Live XXL Ultra Brights Purple. It actually looks really good.

Being the Ed Hardy addict I am. When I saw an awesome pink Ed Hardy singlet in a preloved clothing store, I had to go in. And it was my size and only $10. So naturally I brought it.

I watch ‘Malificent’ last night. Loved it!

It’s my favourite day of the week for my favourite TV programme ‘The Block NZ’. As on Friday they do the room reveal.

I’m sure there was actually plenty I had to blog amount, but have since forgotten.

I have sorted things out with my older sister and apologised for some hurtful things I had written. I think it was a long overdue and needed conversation. As we have not always got on wonderfully. But it gave us the opportunity to have a really good chat. So I am hoping things will be better between us from now on. I feel some of my issue was mostly around the CYFS business. Also we haven’t been very close for a lot of our adult lives and hadn’t had many opportunities to grow our relationship.

I will try post a photo of the cake I made if I can from my mobile.