So I had my oldest daughter down for 4 days from last Friday til this Monday and that was mostly pretty good. But I did have 1 day that was quite hard, due to her going on and on about money, being rich and making it quite clear to me what her carer and Granddad having been feeding to her since I moved down here. It is quite apparent that her Granddad(on her Fathers side) is trying to set me up for failure, by giving her 4 extra curricular activities, which he pays for and knowing there is no way I could afford to keep them all up if she moves back. He has her doing Violin, French, Girl Guides and Gymnastics. And he seems to be doing a lot of activities with her which require ongoing money spending. As well as pushing the fact she will miss out on seeing her cousins if she moves, what, all 6 of them? When she in fact has more family down here. She has my 2 cousins and their 3 kids, my 2 sisters and their 7 kids and my parents will be moving back next year. Plus Nelson is a lovely place to live. The things that have been being taught/fed to her are, you must save up a lot of money, have 1-2 jobs(a supermarket job is not a real job apparently) and travel lots of places before having kids and you must save up before you have children. She gets $20 is she loses a tooth and was given $40 spending money for 4 days here! Also, while the too much technology exposure was something my fiance and I were persecuted on by CYFS(child, youth and family), it seems that she gets more technology time then ever before and she wants to save up for an xbox 360 and that is being encouraged. I mean wtf?! So yeah, anyway, it wasn’t all that pleasant her going on and on about money related things and she even went as far as asking, if I would ever be homeless, to which I responded, I have never or will never be homeless and something you do not know about your Father, who pretends he is wealthy, is that he in fact lived on the streets for 2 years. I am not about badmouthing him, so I have never told her of his very shady past. I must say, I am pretty damn disgusted at the lengths her Granddad is going to, to undermine me and try and set me up for failure.

This whole CYFS business is doing my head in! I am so over their input in my life. And one thing that is quite a major issue for me, if I am to be completely honest, is how they have my oldest sister, who is also my landlord and lives in the flat just below me, as an observer for them, who they use to report things back relating to me, my kids and my parenting. And this does not do great things for our bond as sisters, I in fact think it is quite detrimental to our relationship as sisters. As I often do not know her motive or agenda, such as, I do not know if she is being genuine or information gathering, which makes spending time with her quite awkward.

I met the Nelson CYFS people on Wednesday. It was pretty much like being integrated for nearly an hour. With the lady asking me why I chose not to put my youngest into daycare and suggesting I should need a break during the week from looking after him, to which I replied I do not need a break, I get that when he has his nap and when my fiance gets home. Also, I said, what is it you are expecting that I would do with all that free time? As any potential therapy I may be offered would only be once a week for 1 hour. I find it incredibly frustrating that they base their judgements of me on what is in the notes from the Wellington CYFS. As that is really unfair, I should be observed as to how I am now and how I am coping now, not have the past being such a focus and also, there is much written in those transfer notes that is not fact, but hearsay. Like I have always maintained and stand by, I told them a lot of the decline in my mental health and the level of unwellness, was the negligence of Porirua Community Mental Health and how their portrayal of me is not one I respect, as they were an epic failure in nearly all regards. And I reminded them that I have not in fact had any formal one to one therapy as yet and it is nearly a year on and that all things considered I am doing extremely well for how far I have progressed considering that. Also, I told them there was quite a significant period of time when I was not on suitable antidepressants and being chemical imbalance is part of the factor, that the time it took to improve was also stunted by this. They said they want Wellington CYFS to still be involved in some way in the next FGC review regarding my 2 youngest children. Gosh, I thought I had seen the back of that lot with regards to my youngest children!

I was visiting a good friend of mine today and talking to her friend, who happens to be a social worker for the Nelson DHB and by what I was discussing with her, he actually thought I was a trained social worker or someone who was trained in Mental Health. That is a pretty huge compliment. I told him, no, I actually am in fact not trained in anything, I have just had Depression since I was 17 and I have done a bit of reading and research on Mental Health, as well as my experiences of Mental Illness in my own life. He said that just by what huge amount I seem to know about that area, all I would need is the qualification on paper, as I have a pretty good grasp on the subject. The interesting thing he said about CYFS was, their social workers, well the fair majority, are on a huge power trip and that they actually put to shame the profession of social work. As like I was expressing, that a person should be taken as is, not based on notes, he said that is what they should do, but sadly do not, but the DHB social workers do work from that basis, meaning, taking you as you are now, not as you used to be. Interestingly, about him, is he also experiences Mental Illness and has done much of his life also.

I have been a tad more social this week, which has been good.

I am feeling very comfortable and confident with my renewed role as Stay at Home Mum. Which I am very proud of.

I met my Nelson Community Mental Health psychiatrist last week. He was really nice. And I will have a CMH social worker under this team too, which is great. So I am feeling quite happy so far with the Nelson team. I discussed with him whether there is any need for the Propranolol, considering it essentially has no use to me and he agreed I should discontinue it. I also discussed how the 100mgs of Quetiapine is now too much for me at night and is causing me to have trouble waking in the morning, so he has agreed with me dropping that back to 50mgs. Which I had already done. I discussed with him about the contents of my dreams often disturbing me also. That is still a very real problem unfortunately.

Well I better go to bed now. Thanks for reading.

Advertisements