Well I have definitely been struggling. I am not sure if the fact that I am not really under the mental health team here yet has any bearing on that. Possibly.

I know it’s always going to be hard moving somewhere new, well newish, as I haven’t lived in Nelson for nearly 11 years. And I have only managed to properly reconnect with 1 old friend. And being how vital social contact is to my well being, it is understandable that with the lack of social contact, I feel somewhat lonely and isolated.

Due to the changes in my ability to cope since last August, things do effect me more easily and I am therefore more susceptible to more regular bouts of depression and more easily distressed.

I do acknowledge though, I have learned some useful tools from the DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Distress Tolerance workshop I did earlier this year. And I do believe I have definitely developed some resiliency.

I guess maybe I expect too much from myself at times and I need to be more kind to myself and not see bouts of depression as me lacking in any way. I need to remember I have had no formal therapy, so that has some bearing on things too.

I have lost someone close to me recently and I tend to flip between denial that this person is no longer and wishing it was all a big mistake and that they aren’t really gone. And then I grieve for this person’s family.

I have been going between feeling numb lately and feeling like I want to just not be in reality right now. Like I would rather just sleep all day and every day until my mood improves. Of course that is not in any way helpful. Plus my fiance does not allow me to sleep the whole day either. And yes, I do see that is a big signal I am definitely experiencing a bout of depression at present. There is that symptom and also not wanting to leave the house and delaying it as long as possible. And yes, I know this is not helpful or healthy.

I have a really hard time when friend’s of mine ask questions on my facebook photo’s, as to why my oldest daughter is not in them and where she is. And naturally I do not really want to make it extremely public knowledge among my every facebook friend, about the involvement of CYFS(child, youth & family) and why my daughter does not live with me.

I find also, the reminder by such questions about her not being here tends to make me feel down and upset.

I do not like to be more regularly reminded then I already am, that she is not here. As I already struggle with it and find it upsetting, without more reminders.

I must admit, I have been quite irresponsible with money. Sometimes I tend to do this unintentionally as a response to financial stress. I don’t know why really, as it makes things worse. I guess it is just that part of my personality that tends to want to live in a fantasy and live in a bit of a dream world and not be in the unpleasantness of my reality. It is really very irresponsible.

I guess sometimes I just want to escape my reality and that is why I do such things.

The reality is, we have accumulated a fair bit of debt since last August. Especially since my fiance resigned back in November last year. Our debt has got so bad that the budget advisor here has suggested we get an SIO(summary installment order). But that may very well mean we have to give the car back to the finance company.

So when my fiance found out we had very little money left from the bond refund, he got quite angry and I of course felt really guilty. So I went to the room and cried for a good while. And of course I start blaming myself for all the financial stress. Then I get to thinking, why does he not just find someone else. As I am sick of feeling like a burden, being a burden and I feel to blame for all this and so much guilt and I just do not want anyone else being dragged down by this. But clearly he loves me. Even if I struggle to understand why and how anyone still could after all this.

Hmm, my older sister. She still does seem to have quite unreasonable mood swings. As one minute she is asking a favour and then I check in with her and ask how things are, I try to express concern and empathy and she bites my head off. And that is upsetting and that is hard to deal with. As I am only trying to let her know I care and I want to support her if I can. I just wish she would stop throwing this back in my face or any of our families face who tries to do the same. I will not be so blunt as to tell her I feel she needs to get therapy and start to resolve some issues, so she can start to experience some joy again in her life. As I know her well enough to know that would not be taken as it is meant and that there would be a huge backlash to expressing such things. I wish she could be more reasonable.

You know honestly, sometimes I take more of my sleep medication then I should, not because I can’t get to sleep, but because I want to sleep for longer and not deal with reality or the day ahead. But I fear if I admitted that to any of the mental health team here, once I am under them, that they will limit my medication and switch back to more regular pick ups again. I know I shouldn’t do this.

Sometimes I think about trying to get to sleep without my medication and then I worry that if I try that, I may not get to sleep or I will undo any ability my body does have to get me to sleep naturally, by being too anxious about it. I guess I just need to again, stop being so hard on myself and just take time to recover and not try to hurry the process. As I know the last thing I need is to become deprived of sleep and I do not want to risk that.

Ok, I can’t think of anything else I wanted to write about, so I’ll just leave it there.

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