It has been about a week since I posted last. But boy, what a week it has been.

So I called my CMH(Community Mental Health) Nurse and told her of how I have been struggling lately and how my dreams are really disturbing me and that I therefore do not go to bed at an appropriate time due to this. So she made an appointment with my Psychiatrist for the next day. I saw him, explained what was going on. So he suggested trying another medication on top of the current ones and doing some mediation, which I’ll be honest, I have forgotten to do. The new medication is called Propanolol. It helps with Anxiety and is a Beta Blocker, so keeps the heart rate down. I am finding it definitely is helping me keep calmer and I am not as emotional as I was. Though I do still have a lot going on in my life.

So, financial stress is still very much an issue. And now it seems for some reason that has not been explained to me, I am getting $7 less per week on my benefit. Just last week, I was literally minutes away from having the power disconnected. And while I was at WINZ(work and income) for the 2nd time, my fiance called to tell me the power guy was at our home to disconnect the power and did I have an answer yet from WINZ about whether they would help us with this debt. Being told we were about to be disconnected was upsetting enough and I started crying, there at my appointment. And then the service manager there comes over and tells me I am rude for answering the phone and I am wasting valuable time. Even though I told her the phone call was actually relevant to the appointment. Yeah, way to add to my stress! So I was made to see their budget person the next day and come in for a 3rd appointment. Thankfully they decided to approve the grant. Though the service manager made a point of stressing me out more on that 3rd appointment.

Then, lately I have come to see that my older daughters Dad’s side of the family are not who I thought they were and they do not support me, like I thought they did. And it now seems, they are the driving force behind CYFS(child, youth and family) ‘serious concerns’. And I said to the CYFS social worker, there are things that you do not know about that family, which should really be of concern to you. But she did not seem to care or want to know. It feels like, CYFS pay a lot of attention to what my old daughters grandfather has to say, as he has history with CYFS. As all of his children are adopted and 2 of them are CYFS kids, who were taken off their mother’s due to CYFS. And also, one of them has had all 3 of her children taken off her by CYFS.

It is becoming apparent that my older daughters granddad is trying to find things to use as evidence against me, in support of his plight to keep her in Wellington. It feels like, he thinks just because someone suffers from mental illness, this therefore makes them an unfit parent. He suggested I had not given her lunch the other weekend. Which is untrue. He just misunderstood my daughter. She said she had breakfast at lunch time and by that she meant, she had breakfast cereal for lunch. Honestly, he treats me like I’m a bloody child!

I am also feeling, that both her carer and her granddad are pushing their ideals and values on her. Which is unfair, as she is my child and if anyone is raising her for a period of time, that is not me, then they should be raising her with my ideals and values and not their own.

It seems like, from both of them, there is a lot of emphasis on the importance of money. And that it seems to be more important to them, for her to be with whoever has more money, which therefore means more opportunities. And even CYFS seems to support this way of thinking. I mean for goodness sake, the CYFS social worker even suggested it could be best for my mental health for her to just see me in the holidays!

I was like, you have got to be kidding me! How would it be in any way, shape or form good for my mental health to not have my daughter living with me?! Not to mention the effect on her and her siblings.

I am an extremely intelligent person, with a great personality and I know I have a lot of positive things to contribute to the world. And I was brought up in a low income household and I have never really had a lot of money and look how well I turned out as a person. I mean, just because I suffer from mental illness, it does not make me any less of a person or any less valuable!

I am really quite worried, due to all the facts that have come to light lately, that once I leave Wellington and am away from my older daughter so significantly. This time may be used by her Dad’s family, to manipulate her into thinking what is best for her, is not to live with me. It is already apparent they have done a damn good job of brainwashing her as to how adult life should be! Which is, you find a boyfriend, you are both very well educated, you earn a lot of money, you then save a lot of money, buy a house and then have children. And that, Mum is poor and that Mum has done things the wrong way. That you have less opportunities because Mum is poor. Her Dad has said to her “you don’t live with Mummy because she is lazy and doesn’t work”. OMG!

She has said to me, that she does not want to live with Daddy, as he is very angry and she wants him to fix his anger, as it scares her.

Would you like to know some other interesting things about her Dad’s side of the family. Which is why I would not want her living with any of them?…

Well, her Aunty, when my daughter was only 2 and was staying with her Dad’s family up in Waiheke. She left her strapped into the pram for 2 hours screaming.

Her Dad, tried to commit suicide 4 years ago and nearly suicided, due to flashbacks from his childhood with his adopted parents(my older daughters grandparents). Some of the things that happened to her Dad as a child with them, were the following. He was made to lick an egg off the floor because he dropped it, he was made to collect the firewood naked because he misbehaved and he was held under the bath water til he lost consciousness by his adopted mother(who passed away in 2007 I think).

Also, I was behind her granddad when he picked her up a few weeks ago and he made dangerous lane changes and was driving 20km/ph over the speed limit!

So, as you can tell, these people are clearly not appropriate people to even try to bring her up.

I do not want to use these facts against them. But if they do try and prevent me from having her back, I will use these facts. I just would prefer not to let things get that nasty and I would like to at least have the next FGC(family group conference) review and see if things can go my way.

I will be honest. I do have a lot of anger at the moment. I have anger about it coming to light the truth about my older daughters Dad’s family and how they are the driving force behind all these ‘serious concerns’. I am angry that my midwife did not do her job properly and was negligent, leading to a traumatic labour and all the negative side effects that came of that. I am angry that the previous CMH team I was under, did not look out for my mental health and that they were part of the reason why CYFS felt the need to screw with my life so royally. I am angry that it has been about 9 months since my ‘major depressive episode’ and I have still had ZERO therapy. I am angry about how this CYFS involvement and all they have forced us to do, has made us struggle so much financially that we have now accumulated a whole lot of debt. And I am angry, that CYFS can come along and mess with a families life in such a huge way and that there is no therapy for any of the family involved and effected by their decisions. And it is especially upsetting that they do not seem to care about how it effects any of my family, especially my 2 younger children. And, I am angry that, no matter how many times we seem to finally have some improvements, that something always seems to come along to knock us down, over and over.

I know I have not done anything to deserve all this. I am simply just so over how much shit we have had to deal with.

While I am looking forward to moving to Nelson, which we now have a date for, which is Monday 30th June. And the fact I will be in the same city as my family. I am very nervous about leaving and being so far away from my older daughter. I have been struggling A LOT with this and often become quite upset about the idea of leaving her. Though I know, moving to Nelson and getting settled there is a good thing. I just so hope things go our way and she can come and live with us from mid-December. I am just so fearful that her Dad’s family will do all they can to try and prevent this and I worry, what if they succeed. I worry that they might find a way to make her think living in Wellington is what is best for her. I so hope I am wrong.

When she is here with us on the weekends, it feels so normal and natural and my mood is always lifted by having her here. And everyone feels happier. And when she is not here, I do feel more down and my younger daughters behaviour goes downhill and it effects her greatly.

I just want my family back together. I want things to be how they should be. But even better. As due to all this, I have most definitely learnt from this experience and I have become a much more involved and better parent due to all this. I just wish the agencies that have the final say would acknowledge this.

Oh crap! It’s just past midnight! I better go to bed. Thanks for reading 🙂