Right, I am wide awake now LOL! So no risk of me feeling a strong desire to sleep midway through my post like last night.

I made a point of reading last nights post, to see where I left off.

So, as I was saying, night time/bedtime can be a frustrating time of day. So the other night, it started with the word ‘abortion’ popping into my head and then all the emotions that come with that word and therefore the reminder of that decision in my past and all the feelings that come along with that. Such as, guilt, a sense of loss and the internal struggle I still have to this day with that decision. That was 8 years ago and I have still not really moved on from it.

So it started with that and the upset of that and then continued on with various other things.

I had a big low earlier this week at night, where I felt like taking a bunch of tablets, not caring about the consequences. Thankfully I did not try to act on that unsafe thought.

Most nights at bedtime I have thoughts and worries about plans and actions required pre-moving. Gah! I wish these thoughts would come up at a more practical time of day. Such as during the day. As usually by the morning I have already forgotten all those things that were on my mind.

What has been upsetting me most lately, at night and sometimes during the day. Is the reality of leaving my oldest daughter behind in Wellington. That is upsetting me hugely. I know I will still be able to see her in holidays. But being in a completely different island is huge. I just hope all goes well with the next CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) review and that they(cyfs) allow her to be allowed to move to Nelson and live with us again at the end of the school year.

Something that upset me yesterday was, seeing her carers name on documents related to her. That is a hard thing for me to see.

I want to spend as much time with her as possible before we move at the end of June.

My fiancés family have not surprised me at all, with their lack of response to when we plan to move. I guess they are still being immature and having a sulk and staying away. A bit petty really. You would think they would want to see our youngest 2 kids as much as possible before we move. But no, clearly that is not on their agenda.

I have had my oldest daughter staying since yesterday. She goes back to her carers tomorrow night.

My clever little baby has been learning heaps of new things lately. He has gone from mastering commando crawling, to mastering proper crawling and has now been pulling himself up on furniture. Gosh, slowdown young man!

I am still struggling with the total lack of therapy since my downhill spiral back in August last year. I feel it hinders my recovery to some degree.

I sometimes have thought lately about letting my CMH(community mental health) team know I have been struggling a lot lately and like I feel like I need some respite. But what is stopping me are a few things. Such as, the upcoming move and all that needs to be organized, the fact my fiancé would have no help or support if I were away and the paranoia that my admission of my need for help, will get back to CYFS and be used against me.

I think I always have a hard time when there is an impending big move coming up. There is the stress of all the organizing pre-move, the in between place of leaving this new area behind and starting afresh in a totally different part of New Zealand and the anxiety in between.

OK, I think it’s time to go find my kids some entertainment. As my toddler was just trying to yank my tablet off me.