My moods. They have been kind of all over the place this week. I do not know what the hell is up with them.  I don’t know if it’s hormones or stress.

Like twice this week, I have just felt overly annoyed by who knows what and have stormed off after swearing at my fiancé and gone and proceeded to bawl my eyes out on one occasion and on another occasion felt like doing that. And I don’t even remember what over.

I know some of my crying has been over missing my oldest daughter and also the effect her not living here has on my youngest daughter and also the lack of bond my older daughter has with her baby brother. It hurts me seeing how my youngest daughter is struggling. She is obsessed with all things related to her older sister. She sleeps in her sisters bed, wears her slippers and wants to be just like her. And she also asks nearly every day to see her. This hurts me a lot seeing her struggle so much.

I have been crying again tonight about all this plus some other stuff.

I had both of my younger children crying earlier this evening. My younger daughter was crying, because she purposely spilled her water on the table and her Dad(my fiancé) reacted way too harshly and pulled her off her chair, hurting her and shut her in her room. And because she found this really distressing she was getting very worked up and it was horrible. I told my fiancé his treatment of her was not OK and he told me to go away and finish my dinner and I said “no! She is my daughter too and I do not agree with how you treated her!” And my baby started crying, as he gets upset if his sister is upset. So I was sitting on the stairs trying to comfort them both and help them calm down.

The reason she misbehaved is because my fiancé let her play on the PS3 for too long and this is what happens if you over expose her to technology. I wish he would just learn this already and stop using technology as an automatic child minder.

To add stress and upset, my older daughter was over here this afternoon and with her granddad and he said he wanted to have a talk to me about ideas he thinks I have put on her. Which I actually haven’t and he was pretty much telling me off and not to put ideas in her head. I told him all the things he is accusing me of, are not things I have been saying to her. Such as, the fact she is apparently worrying about money being taken off me for her. She must have overhead me talking to her carer about that I explained to him. Then he told me she is saying CYFS(child, youth & family) take children away from their family. Which I explained to him is something she thinks, not something I told her. He also accused me of putting ideas in her head about moving to Nelson. Which I told him is not entirely correct. I simply talked to her about us, as in my fiancé and I and her brother and sister moving there and would she like to come live in Nelson once that is allowed. And explained that it is up to the CYFS social worker to decide on that. He still continued to tell me I should not be saying these things. I told him how her not living with us is really hurting her little sister and is making me fee quite depressed. And he keeps on and on about what’s best for her and how much good living with the carers has done for her. Which I acknowledge how positively this has effected her. But that he has to remember I am her mother and these are her siblings and I have to consider how that effects them too.

I really do not appreciate it when people use that “what is best for the child” line on me, like as if they are suggesting they know best and that I am somehow detrimental to her wellbeing in some way. It is not only disrespectful, but extremely hurtful to me.

Forgive my language, but for fuck sake! A child having a more privileged life, due to others being more wealthy then me and her having more opportunities, does not mean that it is justified keeping her from her most immediate family! Money does not buy happiness. Having a loving, caring, nurturing family is more important I feel, then these opportunities she is able to have away from me. It actually does great things for character building, empathy and compassion, not having a privileged life. I am proof of that. I consider myself to be a really good, kind, empathic and compassionate person and I like who I am and I was never privileged and I know what poor looks like.

On another subject. I am excited about moving to Nelson. Though I do not like that all the preparation for this big move seems to have fallen on me yet again. It causes more stress having it all on me. My fiancé seems quite happy to waste his time on the computer, instead of helping and supporting me. I am going to miss the new friends I have made here in Wainuiomata. And yes, I know I will make new friends in Nelson. I guess on the plus side, my friends here get to have me here as a support and unbiased and nonjudgmental person in their life, which is definitely a win for them, until I move. Plus, if I come back to visit, I have people to visit. I just get a bit anxious and sometimes stressed with a big change and not having help with the preparation adds to that.

The good thing about me decluttering in preparation is, that the household stuff I don’t need, I can give to people in need, which is nice.

OK, it is now just past midnight, so I’d better try get some sleep.

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