I knew I had something on my mind to blog about the other day, but it was too late at night and I never got around to posting. Annoying thing, of course I have forgotten what I was planning to post about the other day. Ah well. Got to love my unreliable short term memory aye…

Since I haven’t posted for over a week, I’ll just try and give an update on anything that has been happening in that time.

So, last week we didn’t have enough money for food or petrol, so we had to miss our loan payment in order to feed ourselves and get a tiny amount of petrol. The budget adviser we saw a few weeks ago was really no help out all. Just agreed we were in a terrible place with lack of money and a deficit of $90 per week. And I am damn sure budget advisers are supposed to help come up with solutions, not tell us what we already know.

I don’t find it particularly helpful when people like WINZ and other agencies ask me what we are going to do about this lack of money. Um, gee, if I knew how to fix the situation, do you not think I would be fixing it already. Plus, thinking about being in a position with money that you have no way to fix, isn’t very fruitful and is quite overwhelming and distressing. As it’s not like you can ignore the situation.

I find it very hard that I feel my fiance expects me to come up with all the solutions to our every problem. I remind him, I can only suggest so much and it’s solutions we as a couple have to talk about together to try and find a solution. As saying, “what are we going to do about this situation?” and getting all paranoid and thinking the car will be repossessed and our property will be taken to pay our debts, is kind of thinking worse case scenario and catastrophizing. And I thought I was the one who worried too much! I wasn’t even worried about those things. As I reminded him, we have missed only 1 loan payment and because it’s the first time ever, we may even be in credit for that amount, so just talk to the finance company about it. As they are more likely to try work with you to find a solution if you communicate with them. It’s when you don’t talk with them and miss many payments and are unwilling to find a solution, when they would repossess your vehicle. But they certainly wouldn’t take our property. I mean talking him into missing that 1 payment was hard enough. I reminded him of the reality that we have no money for food, so it is the only option.

I have been trying to convince him to change to a cheaper plan with the internet provider, to save us more money. As wherever we can save money, we should be. But with his love of his computer, the internet and online games, he’s being pretty stubborn there. But reality is, neither of us work, so being on a $108 a month, 150GB is a luxury, not a necessity.

I was being a bit sarcastic to him about him computer the other day. Saying about it and his attachment to it “my precious, I love you my precious” hehe! I mean choosing to go back on the computer instead of having fun times(sex) is a bit sad. And he complains about the lack of action in that department. And I keep reminding him, to be fair, it’s his computer and addiction to it that makes that area of our relationship lack. He has no-one to blame but himself.

Right, now onto the children. The CYFS(child, youth and family) social worker said to me when she rang the other week, that she was a bit concerned about how many times I have had my oldest daughter stay the night. I was like, um what, 3 times since December, that’s hardly a lot! And she was going on about how I am allowed to be alone with her, but only if my fiance is home. I was like, excuse me?! No, there was never any worries about me being alone with her and there was nothing in the FGC(family group conference) plan that stated that either.

I have been feeling a little worried about my youngest daughter and Kindy, she’s 4. She never wants to go or be left there and she is always desperate to leave. Also, she wears pull-ups training pants, as we are trying to encourage her to try using the toilet. And she has come home several times, from a 10 hour day at Kindy, in a pull up that has not been changed all day and has been rather red and sore down below. I also worry with some of the things she says, that she might be getting bullied. I have also noticed that every day she comes home from Kindy she has new bruises or scrapes and she is not a clumsy kid. I mean every day, that is a lot. I get concerned with the behaviour from some of the other children at the Kindy and the fact the Kindy teachers are not seeing some of these things. As I noticed 2 boys, hitting each other very hard in the stomach and not in a playful way and it seemed like for them, that kind of thing was normal. Also my daughter has started pushing other children, which is something she never used to do. I mean, when someone else is caring for your child, you shouldn’t have all these things to worry about. They are responsible for the care and safety of your child while the child is in their care.

My 2 youngest have their Gateway Assessment tomorrow and we were only told on Monday, which is only 5 days notice. It’s to assess how they are doing in all areas and observe how we all interact together as a family. I am rather unimpressed that the CYFS social worker gave us so little notice. And they hadn’t even given us a date for the FGC review and weren’t planning to, til tomorrow. But I chased her up about that, as I need to try get my support people along to it and they need sufficient notice. And so far, we only have CMH coming as our support people. And it seems CYFS aren’t being very helpful in accommodating anyone else’s schedule, except their own. Making it harder for us to get all our support people along on the date. We still haven’t been given the location or time either. 11 days notice is not a lot of notice for people who work. I feel CYFS think because it’s a review, it will all be a very fast process. But what they want, is not the same as what they want. They want to keep things as they are and what my support people and my family want, is for me to have my role back as a Mum. It is very evident by the FGC outcome ‘plan’ that CYFS see me as too mentally unstable to function at all. Quite a disrespectful attitude and so inaccurate. And they don’t like to acknowledge all my progress. I mean the only thing for Kelly to do in the plan is “get therapy when offered” and that is not at all geared towards me having my role back. I fully acknowledge at the time of the FGC I was not coping and that the decision that was made, was the right decision at the time. But it is no longer the right decision. All those who know me and support me, acknowledge and agree, I have come a damn long way and made huge progress, considering everything I have been through, the fact I have had zero therapy and all I have on-board is antidepressants, which we all know is not a total fix and it’s just the chemical imbalance being addressed.

It was my birthday yesterday. I’m now 35. It wasn’t a very exciting birthday. I didn’t get any presents. But my Mum has brought me a book that I wanted and will be sending it over for my present. It’s this book: http://www.amazon.com/Freedom-Selfharm-Overcoming-Self-Injury-Treatments/dp/1572246162
And my grandma gave me some money. So I brought some jeans, a hoody and some togs for $30. My fiance cooked dinner, which was a plus and we brought a birthday cake from the supermarket.

I had a few things on yesterday. I had the Open Home Foundation lady come over to observe us in the morning with the kids. Then I had an appointment with CMH(community mental health), with the nurse, social worker and psychiatrist. I talked to them about the whole CYFS situation and my desire to have my role back as a Mum and they are fully behind recommending that. So if they are all available on the date of the FGC review, they will be there to state that to CYFS. Which is awesome. They fully acknowledge my progress and capabilities and actually feel I am coping better then my fiance. Also, because they work as a team at CMH and with the family, they will be checking in with my fiance regularly and seeing how he is doing and seeing if they can support him in any way. As they acknowledge how much is put on him as the primary caregiver and they see that no-one else is looking out for him and how he might be doing, except me. So they want to be of a support for him too. Which is excellent. Psychiatrist has prescribed me Quetiapine to help with sleep. So I can finally come off the Zopiclone. Which is great. I had the 4th of 6 DBT(dialectal behaviour therapy) Resiliency Distress Tolerance group yesterday as well. Only 2 left! I will miss that group! Though I talked to the psychiatrist and psychologist about the possibility of PTSD(post-traumatic stress disorder) and they agreed I may possibly have it and have recommended when the next Anxiety Support Group starts, that I go to that. Just as at least something, until I can have one to one therapy. As the waiting list is still quite long for the therapy.

I am finding the DBT group and all I am learning extremely helpful. I highly recommend DBT.

Advertisements