Life, oh life. It is so testing and challenging sometimes.

Last night I had a huge cry. I guess every so often things just get to the point, even if life is mostly good, where I need a good cry. It was over stuff like, money stress, not being able to sleep with significant noise in the background, not even with the aid of sleeping tablets, my need for therapy, being somewhat isolated due to no petrol, both my younger kids being home sick, feeling I can not really talk to my fiance honestly sometimes and missing my family.

I sent my Mum a nice text last night telling her how much I appreciate her. She responded by thanking me and then saying “you’re not planning on killing yourself are you?”. To which I responded “of course not! I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate you”. I guess it is understandable when you have a child who has suffered with severe depression and been suicidal at times, to worry when you get such an emotional and meaningful text.

On the weekend my fiance was quite annoyed at me and said I don’t appreciate all that he has done. I reassured him I do and I tell people regularly how much he has done and how I am amazed he is still here after all I have put him through. He said I use my mental illness as an excuse. I asked him how exactly he thinks I do that, as I feel I don’t and he wouldn’t respond and gave me the silent treatment for the next 90 minutes. Eventually he decided to talk, though still not telling me how I apparently use my mental illness as an excuse. But he did open up enough to tell me a lot about himself that I didn’t know. He got annoyed at me yesterday for asking him to cook dinner. Which upsets me. As I feel like he doesn’t appreciate that I do ALL the housework and cook dinner every day. I should be able to ask him to cook dinner, just once without having a backlash from him.

Last week I picked my younger daughter up from Kindy twice by myself, which according to the CYFS(child, youth & family) FGC(family group conference) plan, I am not allowed to do. But I only did because my baby was sick at home with my fiance and we wanted to avoid taking him out of the house too much to give him the chance to get better. Well, it seemed fine by the Kindy the first time I did it. But on Friday, I feel I was treated like some kind of criminal. I had picked up my daughter and just got to the car and one of the carers there asked me if I could wait a few minutes while she called the head teacher. So I did. The head teacher talked to me on the phone and mentioned how I am not supposed to pick my daughter up without my fiance there, according to the CYFS FGC plan. And I said “yes, I do acknowledge that and usually I wouldn’t, but my son is really unwell and that is the only reason why I have picked my daughter up alone”. And then, to make me feel like even more of a criminal, the carer followed me home in her car. I found that really upsetting. As I am not a criminal, I am a loving, caring and nurturing mother and I do not hurt or neglect my children.

I find it extremely upsetting how some of these agencies treat me like I’m a bad person and parent. When the matter of the fact is, I am not and I know I am not and many others agree I am a good Mum. Like the Open Home Foundation lady referring to my parenting regarding my oldest. And boy, how she misunderstands the situation. As I asked her what she was talking about and she replied with “well there is obviously something wrong there if she is not allowed to live with you”. So I had to inform her she has this wrong and the reason she can not live with me presently is actually nothing to do with me or my parenting and it is due to her relationship with my fiance and the fact that needs to be worked on and improved.

We are still in a bad place with money. We went to see the budget adviser last week and he didn’t really tell us anything we don’t already know and didn’t offer any suggestions to improve our money situation. He just said, if we were to work with what we actually need to spend each week on food and petrol, we would be in deficit of nearly $100. He did arrange a food parcel though, so that at least helped a little. But here we are again, the week that the bank loan comes out and we lack terribly in money and we have no food grants left and all we have for food and petrol is $74.94. As soon as I looked at that figure, I started bawling my eyes out. As petrol is $24 at least and $50 is not enough for nappies, formula and food for our whole family. I don’t know what to do.

So, no matter how things might be improving in regards to my mood and mental health, it simply doesn’t help the lack of money situation and things are not helped in my recovery, with the lack of therapy.

I am hoping at the CYFS FGC review at the end of this month, there will be acknowledgement of all the improvements I have made and that will have a positive outcome and I will be allowed the opportunity to be around my younger 2 kids unsupervised.

I have done a couple of significant and helpful things for myself over the weekend. I made a walking group and coffee group for others in my suburb. And last week I met someone new who lives in my area and have made a new friend. So those are all really positive things.

Well, that is all for now. I’m going to go talk to my fiance about the money situation this week and see if he has any suggestions.